Have you ever been in prison?

i'd still be pretty scared if i was locked up for something i did do...

i have never been in a prison, although two lads i know have been locked up...

It is a scary thought, you're right. I have fair confidence in my toughness when walking rough London streets late at night, but being in jail would be another matter entirely, and I can't imagine how I'd cope.

I know its wrong to think this, but that really is funny.

should be OMG, surely!

I have never been in or to even a British prison, though. Hope that remains the case to be honest. My best friend had to visit a rapist in Broadmoor in her capacity as an assistant psychologist and it was pretty traumatic.

Also, something that terrifies me even more is being banged up in foreign country. I'm talking about the sort of place where it really is not advisable to investigate local prison conditions (this is what really stopped me from trying any dodgy substances in Morocco, for example).

I've been locked up overnight for disorderly conduct, not fun.

The visiting room looked kinda like a small community hall or school canteen - there was even an area at the end for children and a little cafe type place to buy sweets, tea, coffee, sandwiches. You sat next to who you were visiting at a table with a very discreet divider thing underneath to stopping you passing things underneath.

The prison officers were actually pretty decent, most visitors looked like frightened rabbits and they tried their best to put us at ease.

The waiting around before the visit with other folk who you are too embarrassed or frightened to talk to - that's hard, and the security searches and measures are pretty humbling.

Seeing your bloke with all the life knocked out of him, looking like a scared little boy but both of you trying to pretend that you are OK, coz you only get an hour once a week and it's too precious to waste on tears, that's the worst part.

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:AHyD7ku9lvAJ:http://loyalty.org/~schoen/jail.jpg

i had a friend who spent a few years away for assaulting an officer. the conditions he described sounded absolutely fucked and i never want to experience that firsthand.

xpost

There's always a way of humanising these kinds of situations. I spend most of the time reading, writing and drawing. It was nice to have so much free time within a fairly structured environment. This is something I've never told anyone, but I started writing my first (awful teenage) novel in jail - before I always used to just tell stories to my friends. In jail, I had to write it down.

There wasn't that much tension with the other prisoners. At least, not after they discovered that I could draw - then I became really popular, because I used to do sketches of everyone for them to send to their boyfriends or families.

All the shit that is awful, the fear of violence, fear of abuse from guards (petty people with small power), the lack of sleep, the dehumanisation - you realise that you can actually survive anything. The human will can adapt.

Anyway, I've said too much already, so I'll stop now. This will probably come back to haunt me.

I know that I'm sugarcoating the true prison experience. Maybe someone will be anonymously post some tales that realistically depict what inside the bars is really like.

Because they're all fraudsters and the like and therefore safe enough to let out and about but too slippery to be given free rein?

so OTM.

my father's sentencing is tomorrow and i'm terrified. the best possible outcome would be 5-7 years, but worst case scenario is ~25. does anyone have any experience/advice dealing with the particular hell of having a family member go to prison? i mean, it could be worse, it's not like he's dying, and it's not as bad for me as it will be for him, or my mom.

he also, in my opinion, didn't do anything that doesn't happen in every accounting department ever, and is innocent, which doesn't make it any easier to accept. what the fuck do i do?

sheesh, how old is he?

xpost...

First, find a prisoner support group in your area, if one exists. if not, look into a more national-level group (I assume you are US) for information on writing letters, sending stuff, and visitor lists. These laws vary from state to state and can be capricious and comfusing.

I have never been in prison, but unfortunately I have a number of friends who are now doing time for various ill-advised acts of political ars0n. so I know more about the system than I would like to.

I hope your dad has a good lawyer, the closing statements can make a big difference to the judge if they demonstrate sufficient remorse and/or desire to "make things right" or some other variety of judicial boot-licking on the part of the sentencee.

he also, in my opinion, didn't do anything that doesn't happen in every accounting department ever, and is innocent, which doesn't make it any easier to accept.

i suggest not mentioning this at the sentencing.

Can you appeal?

yeah, that too.

quick googling gets me:

www.prisontalk.com
www.prisonactivist.org/psd.htm
www.prisonerlife.com/links.cfm

strangely, most of the family/help sites seem to be UK-based.

x-post hstencil - of course not, that's just my own opinion.

xx-post heave ho - he is nearly 60

x-post thanks for the advice sleeve, i am sure my dad's lawyer is doing everything possible to minimize the sentence, but i never thought he'd be found guilty to begin with.

i'm told that there are not really grounds for an appeal but i don't know enough about how it works.

Wow, really sorry to hear this. :(

my dad took a deal yesterday for 9.5 years which means he can't appeal, but it seems to have been the best option.

i am told that with w/ good behavior the sentence would be 8 years, but everyone seems to think it should be even less than that, but it's a federal case so i'm not sure if parole works differently...

he'll probably end up in a camp, minimum security. i don't know what to expect. has anyone been to one of these places?

does anyone have any experience/advice dealing with the particular hell of having a family member go to prison?

My father received 20 years. He will get out next year.

It was hard on my family in the beginning as my mother wasn't working. However he deserves to be there and I wish they'd keep him longer. Different from your situation, Bell, I know.

My grandparents have been greatly affected by this. I know they've been part of family support groups and often give rides to families of other prisoners when they trek out to see them. They are also very religious and my grandfather has gone to the prison to minister.

I would just recommend the obvious, lots and lots of letters. If his prison is the type that will allow you to deposit cash for him to use in the commisary, do this as well. Both things will make his stay a lot more comfortable.

I hope he gets out soon.

thank you ms. misery

A good friend of mine is serving 7 years for holding up a store at knifepoint. The last time, it was only jail, and I wrote a lot of letters, sent a book (which was returned by officials because it had a glue spine), and tried to be supportive. This time, though, I'm really pissed off at him for not getting his shit together and for doing something that stupid. He was gonna get time off for good behavior, but he got caught with "contraband" in his cell -- I've no idea what it was -- so he's doing the full 7 years. I just don't think he's gonna be able to fix himself this time, so it's difficult for me to let myself get any more emotionally involved in him than I already am. But he still breaks my heart. Each time I sit down to write him, I can't do it.

I have one friend, a bona-fide alcoholic, who did some time (6 months?) in a county facility for multiple DUI's. He hasn't had a drink since (coming up on three years) and has done a complete about-face in his personal life. He has a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing.

I know two guys from high school who spent time in Parchm3nt (the for-real prison in MS) for drugs. I was/ am friends with one. He's a bright guy who ended up landing a scholarship to M1llsaps when he got out, but I can't say that his lifestyle has changed all that much. At least he doesn't carry enough on him to get charged with intent to distribute these days.

The other was a friend's older brother who beat up a cop while carrying (and tripping on) copious amounts of lsd. He crazy.

Someone who committed a crime against me getting out in three weeks. After 20 years.

What he went for was bad and I wish he would stay forever. I was a young teen when he went so didn't know all the details. Looking at his public offender information now, I see that he was convicted for three counts of his crime, 20 years each, served concurrently. That last really angers me. He should have done the full 60. If he had been convicted today he probably would be.

I've made it clear to his family that I want no contact with him and I don't want him to know anything about me. But over the years, even behind bars he's done everything he can to get in touch with me. Including sweet-talking a clueless family member into giving him my cell number, breaking into a priest's office and calling me. I told them that we're moving and I've changed my number. Although I live in a different city I know eventually he will come to seek me out.

I'm not really afraid per se b/c I'm a grown woman and he's an old, instititionalized man now. But I am getting more and more freaked out the closer his release date gets. When you're young 20 years is a long time. I never really imagined this day would come and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel once I know he's out in the world.

I really intended to not share personal stuff on Ilx anymore but I think I've talked out everyone around me about this and the internet is always a great place for ruminating. Maybe someone else here has had a similar experience.

similar, yes. Things I did/have done, sometimes consciously and sometimes, in retrospect, not: restraining orders, found myself in a job where I had access to some personnel records on this individual and kept copies of pertinent info, bought a handgun and learned how to use it well, changed my name, moved within the state, moved out of the state, cut off all contact with people who had continuing contact or expressed interest in having contact with this individual. Was any of it necessary? Did any of it do any good? I don't know. At times I've felt safe and have forgotten about this person; generally, and only now that I'm so much older, I realize I'm the only one giving him any power over me and that I can take it away. Sometimes I think maybe it's better to face old demons, to demystify them, but there's no way I would ever seek this person out.

Man, tough situation. Is this guy likely to get back in touch with you out of revenge or because he's bugfuck "aw I know she really likes me" crazy?

I worry about when my brother finally gets out. He's going to be unemployable, and I worry about the grudges he might carry towards the family that he thinks never did enough to help him.

Thanks Jaq, good to think over. .

not: restraining orders,

I have thought of this but was told I couldn't get one pre-emptively, that I have to wait until he actually tries to contact me. Could this be wrong info?

bought a handgun and learned how to use it well

Thought about this but felt for me it was too much of a giving up of my beliefs, thereby giving him more power over me. Does that make sense?

off all contact with people who had continuing contact or expressed interest in having contact with this individual.

The only person I haven't done so with and really don't want to is my brother. I understand (as much as possible) why he's going to be open to contact with him and trust him completely to respect my wishes. From his point of view he sees it as also a way to protect me by being able keep an eye on him and know what he's up to.

Is this guy likely to get back in touch with you out of revenge or because he's bugfuck "aw I know she really likes me" crazy?

Not really revenge but a sense of entitlement and a touch of obsession. He doesn't really get it when it comes to why people want nothing to do with him. He seems to think everyone owes him and that he his the right to have me in his life. He is delusional and I know despite being "saved" and convincing others he has changed, he hasn't.

*sigh* thanks for the input. Rational discussion has made me feel better.

Could this be wrong info?
It probably depends on your state laws. See if there's a victims advocacy group - they can be helpful with info.

I eventually recognized the gun idea as completely not right for me. Short-term, it was interesting but ultimately it felt like over-reaction and not part of the person I was or wanted to be. I can see your brother's point of view on staying in contact, in a keep your friends close but your enemies closer kind of way.

I was never in prison, but I was a PoW in Vietnam. Man, that was tough, but it made me the ideal candidate for high office that I am today.

can you life your arms above your shoulders?

life=lift, duh

There's a guy who's in prison until 2011 for something he did to me and I'm not enjoying the idea that he'll be out again. It's hard to imagine that prison does anything except make people even tougher and meaner and more paranoid and fucked up. Sorry I guess that doesn't help but I can empathize with what you're going through. It sucks when this person is from your neighborhood, or you know they'll be around.

I had to visit my Mom in prison on Christmas Eve last year. She and her boyfriend got into a domestic dispute, both were jailed, his family could afford bail, mine could not. It was pretty scary and I was extremely nervous going in, so thrilled to see my Mom (albeit through a window, on a phone, just like the movies) and such a complete wreck afterwards. I cried for about 45 minutes of the drive home. She told me that as you stay longer and longer you get bumped to the "better rooms" and as she had been in about 3-4 weeks at this point, she had finally been moved to a room that was heated. (in December in Canada.)

does anyone have any experience/advice dealing with the particular hell of having a family member go to prison?

:/ older brother arrested last week, waiting to be charged on four counts of possession tomorrow - moron was caught with meth, weed, and ecstasy on him. my family has decided not to post bail, not because we can't afford it but because we didn't want to, as difficult as that decision was to make. He'd been using since his teens, started pushing a few years ago, swore to us he'd stop and go to rehab but I don't think he ever did for any extended period of time. amazingly this is the first time he's been arrested in nearly 20 years of drug use (he's 35 now).

Btw this is Malaysia where we have some of the strictest, most draconian drug laws in the world (let's not start on the prisons, i mean i don't even...) and I swear to god, there is nothing quite like the pain and terror of wondering whether a family member will be hanged for something so fucking stupid - big relief finding out he wasn't caught with large amounts so only possession. but still, so fucking pissed. plus since it's his first offense, he'll probably get his sentence reduced - according to our lawyer, most likely a two-year stint in prison/court-ordered rehab and a RM10,000 (~USD3,000) fine. i wouldn't have minded a little more time to be honest for all the crap he's put my parents, who are good people, through.

they're completely broken up. mum keeps blaming my dad and herself for all they did/didn't do to fuck up my brother's life even though I keep telling her it's not their fault, and dad can't stop crying about the fact that he wasn't just using but selling as well.

i don't know why i'm telling a bunch of strangers any of this when I haven't even told any of my friends or anyone else apart from my boyfriend, my boss and closest relatives. just... shit be fucked right now.

dude that sucks; I hope for the best possible outcome for you and your family

Good luck to your brother. Sounds like my and my parents' experience with my brother.

thanks guys. right now, he's going to be so upset when he figures out we're not going to bail him out - we haven't told him in case he calls one of his associates to bail him out instead. he's still hopeful that we're going to come get him but we decided it was for the best.

even if he doesn't get sent to prison, just rehab, he'll still have to be in jail for at least the next 2-3 months - due to all the red tape, we won't get back the results of the chemical analysis for another 8 to 10 weeks. the hope is that the detox plus the shock of being left in a literal hellhole will knock some sense into him. or he could just come out even angrier with us. :/

hey roz, really sorry to hear this, and best wishes.

thank you lex.

I seriously feel so so so sad for your parents. :-(

Sending my best, that sounds pretty awful.

echoing the others here i hope everything works out for the best. that sounds really painful for everyone involved, sorry...

thank you all, I really appreciate it. i dunno, in some ways, I think it's kind of a blessing. I just hate seeing what my parents are going through right now.

Seeing your bloke with all the life knocked out of him, looking like a scared little boy but both of you trying to pretend that you are OK, coz you only get an hour once a week and it's too precious to waste on tears

so this, basically. the first visit with the parents was tough especially since we could only see him through the window, with the phone and all. my dad refused to speak to my brother because he knew he would break down. Neither could bear to even look at each other. But it was good to get more than just 10 minutes alone to speak with him - we hadn't had a full conversation since before he got arrested.

Bailing him out early next week and sending him straight to a secure rehab centre - my parents couldn't bear allowing him to stay in jail for now. he's been pretty ill for about a week now - I'd say mostly due to the withdrawal (including from tobacco), but also his recurring ear infection which has flared up since he's been in.

and rather than placed in cells, remanded prisoners are placed in this big dorm/hall with about 80 others where the inmates range from petty thieves and junkies to actual murderers and rapists so we're not sure it's actually safe for him to be in there. Our lawyer told us that a lot of guys who have been through the system would rather plead guilty to a crime they didn't commit and go to "proper" prison, rather than spend months in remand to fight the case. It's a horrible system.