Battle of the cutlery

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What is the finest dining utensil of them all? Spoon? Knife? Fork? Spork? Chopstick? Etc.?

I vote FORK. You can stab stuff with it to pick things up, cut things with the side sometimes, and while you can eat soupy things (ie, soup) with it, you can just pick up the bowl and slurp as far as I'm concerned. But perhaps I'm wrong?

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:24 (twenty-one years ago)

"can't eat soupy things" duh.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Dammit, I posted about the SPOONS, man!!!

I am all about the spoons!

Don't eat my posts, ILX, I am singing the song of spoons!

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:27 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.kk.org/cooltools/archives/spork.jpg

― Nemo (JND), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:31 (twenty-one years ago)

You would think that the functionality of the spork would make it a contender, but it's a jack of all trades, master of none. It's trying too hard, and everyone can see right through its desparate attempt to be popular.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Sporks are like the bisexuals of the cuttlery world. Everybody hates them!

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:33 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't hate bisexuals! But I do hate sporks and also skorts. FUCK YOU SKORTS!!!

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:33 (twenty-one years ago)

The only thing worse than skorts is JEANS AND A DRESS!!! FUCK OFF BACK TO CAMDEN, YOU CUNT!

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Are skorts supposed to be a simple trompe-l'ouiel or a rape-prevention tactic?

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:36 (twenty-one years ago)

jeans and a dress? why on earth would someone wear that?

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Because they took so many drugs and forgot they got dressed already, and got dressed twice? That's the only explanation I've ever come up with...

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:39 (twenty-one years ago)

to look lumpier and indecisive.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:40 (twenty-one years ago)

oh, and i vote spoons.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Rape prevention, people: they've got a diaper and a chastity belt under there too.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

I choose chopsticks, because the simple knowledge of how to eat with them makes me look like some kind of international man of mystery to Kentucky yokels, apparently.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

What the heck's a l'ouiel? Sorry, excess pedantry release valve just blew there.

Without the knife what's the point to life?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Spoons, man. They are the best cuttlery. You can play them as a musical instrument and everything!

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:42 (twenty-one years ago)

I couldn't really remember how to spell that 'ouiel' thing so I just threw all the vowels I could think of in the middle there.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean, THAT IS THE CORRECT SPELLING OF THAT WORD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, I AM A GENIUS AT LA FRANCAIS.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

OUI OUI ICI LE FRANGLAIS!!!

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

B-b-but you can cut things with the side of a spoon, eat soupy things with it, AND pick up solid things with it. (though sometimes you'll need the aid of a friendly finger or two)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Ooh, fingers is another good option. I might have to vote for fingers, because they are a better sexual aid than most other cutlery (unless the dildo counts as cutlery).

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

(I'm pretty sure the penis isn't cutlery.)

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Fingers are not cutlery.

― Danger Whore (kate), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

My spork vibrates.

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh ok.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

i especially love those deep plastic or porcelain spoons you get at japanese restaurants for miso soup. they have such a great shape!

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

But the question is "What's the FINEST" - and the answer to that is Fork. Spoons are cool, but clumsy. Knives are fucking great - especially when you're hiking - and you cut off a piece of cheese and eat it, holding it between your thumb and the knifeblade. But forks, ahh forks .. now that's a refined tool there. Yet you can use it to kill someone if you have to. It's the James Bond of cutlery.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh no nick, you've just made me think of Edwaed Pen!shands.
(I am following your new rule above)
Forks: Two tines or three? And why did it shift?

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I've never actually done it myself, but I'm pretty sure you can kill someone with a knife, too.

― Nemo (JND), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

yes but can you twirl pasta with that knife? after you clean the blood off, of course.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

You can kill someone with a knife, but it aint genteel.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Sharp knives.

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:54 (twenty-one years ago)

well, the spoon wins for finest on the "born with a silver spoon in your mouth" level. and can you not remember ever being threatened to have your "heart cut out with a spoon"? SPOONS WIN!!!

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

THREE TINES!!! TINE INFLATION IS SIGN OF TEH APOCALYPSE!

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

killing someone with a fork is genteel? a spoon maybe, but not a fork.

― Peter Watts (peterw), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I like potato peelers best, maybe they spoons with holes in.

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

A spoon is like the fat kid of cutlery.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Genteel people have their servants kill people and they don't bother to inquire as to what cutlery was used provided it wasn't the good silver.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Forks: Two tines or three? And why did it shift?

This is discussed in the Harold Petroski book about the design of everyday things. Basically, his theory is that it shifted because three tines work better. There have been fork designs with various numbers of tines, from 2 on up to ridiculous numbers, but the best has to balance effectiveness with utilitarian value (things like size, weight, etc.). It's an interesting book, I recommend it.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I will say that a spoon is cooler than a threek. (Three-tined fork.)

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Once I got really mad at my sister while we were eating dinner, and I grabbed a utensil to threaten her with. Unfortunately, I didn't look at what I grabbed, so I was brandishing a spoon at her. She laughed at me.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Funniest thread all week. Momentum *killed* by server problems.

http://www.sackville.ednet.ns.ca/art/gallery/exhibit/design/werkstatte/Hoffmann_Josef-Part_of_the_Flat_Model_cutlery_set-c.1903-1904-m.jpg

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 16:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Knife throwers have flashy showgirl assistants, unlike spoon, fork, or spork throwers.

― Nemo (JND), Friday, 24 September 2004 16:49 (twenty-one years ago)

The fork is the devil's tool, hence it wins.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

REVIVE!

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 18:52 (twenty-one years ago)

You can PLAY the spoons. Spoons win!

― Dale Panopticalis (cprek), Friday, 24 September 2004 18:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Not much support for chopsticks around here... dumb old Chinese.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 24 September 2004 18:57 (twenty-one years ago)

You can also play knifey-spoony.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 18:58 (twenty-one years ago)

It's fun to play drums with chopsticks.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 24 September 2004 19:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, the washboard is played with a SPOON. The spoon is indispensable to the jug band. Sppon wins again!

― Dale Panopticalis (cprek), Friday, 24 September 2004 19:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Why are there so many verbs formed from cutlery? Not other kitchen things so much, but I've heard of people knifing hobos and whatnot. Forked. Knifed. Spooning.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Friday, 24 September 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

"Spoon" is the most twee utensil-as-verb EVAH.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 24 September 2004 19:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Totally knife.
(I almost just posted over on the "irrational dislikes" thread about my hatred of cheap, lightweight cutlery. Weird. But yeah, heavy butter knives with round ends. I don't like three tined forks either - four all the way.)

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 24 September 2004 19:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Bah, why all the wearing-jeans-and-a-dress hate?

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:11 (twenty-one years ago)

because it's pointless and gauche?

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:13 (twenty-one years ago)

And takes away from the point of wearing a skirt to begin with.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:17 (twenty-one years ago)

CAKE FORK!

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:21 (twenty-one years ago)

So what *is* the point of wearing a skirt, then?

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I still say knife. One can't very well play mumbledypeg with a spoon or a fork.

So what *is* the point of wearing a skirt, then?

*blushes*

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Some points of skirts which are negated by jeans:
Presumably nice and breezy and light to wear.
Show off ones legs if so inclined.

What is the point of wearing jeans with skirts?

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

To fit in with the other pseudo-hippy skanks on Haight Street?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:28 (twenty-one years ago)

to lengthen foreplay?

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't understand how clothing works?

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

(We are mean. I feel guilty.)

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

B b but. Better to be frank (and be perceived as mean) than to let the girls walk around in their greasy jeans and flimsy cotton skirts with their hair all bleached and dreaded, smelling of skunk and patchouli and thinking (assuming facts not in evidence) that they won't be mortified that they thought this was cool ten years from now.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever happened to people wearing shorts over sweatpants? I picture a lot of older brothers from 80s movies rocking this look.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I think you just answered your own question.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 24 September 2004 20:38 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Spoons are my favorite, they are just so much more sexy than a fork. I'll bow to the fork's utilitarian nature through, but sometimes, I want plain ole cutlery aesthtics.

― Jeff. (Jeff), Sunday, 14 May 2006 20:55 (nineteen years ago)

You can find more cool old silver-plate spoons in the thrift shop than you can forks or knives for some reason. Sometimes the silverplate knives have stainless blades, which is just wrong.
Sometimes I eat more of my meal than I probably should with my bare hands. Asparagus I always pick up, but I read somewhere that that's allowed.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 14 May 2006 21:07 (nineteen years ago)

i really hate it when you have 10000 spoons but all you need is a knife.

― ken c (ken c), Sunday, 14 May 2006 21:58 (nineteen years ago)

Spoon+concrete cell floor=knife!

hell yeah!

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Sunday, 14 May 2006 23:27 (nineteen years ago)

http://images.auctionworks.com/hi/72/71622/s228r.jpg

― naus (Robert T), Monday, 15 May 2006 08:00 (nineteen years ago)

I am secretly in awe of people who can hang spoons on their face. How does that work, anyway? Can anybody let me in on the secret magical trickery involved? I want to learn to do it.

― C J (C J), Monday, 15 May 2006 08:07 (nineteen years ago)

You just put it there and it stays

― beanz (beanz), Monday, 15 May 2006 08:14 (nineteen years ago)

Er, by which I mean years and years of hardcore practice to refine innate talent.

― beanz (beanz), Monday, 15 May 2006 08:15 (nineteen years ago)

Do you warm them up first or anything? There has to be more to it than just grabbing a handful of spoons out of the cutlery drawer and sticking them on yer boat-race.

― C J (C J), Monday, 15 May 2006 08:17 (nineteen years ago)

You eat a lot of meat first - so your pores are oozing with sticky fat.

Anyway, the answer is still fork. You can cut food with the side of a fork. (knife - OBSOLETE!) You can eat almost anything with a fork, except soup. Soup you can drink right out of the bowl, if you must have it. (spoon - SAYONARA!) And the can opener is not really cutlery. (Swiss-army knife thing - DISQUALIFIED!)

― dave's good arm (facsimile) (dave225.3), Monday, 15 May 2006 11:05 (nineteen years ago)

you get the spoons hot first cj.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 15 May 2006 11:20 (nineteen years ago)

That sounds a bit ouch ouch.

I'm tempted to vote for spoon anyway, because it's the best for eating any sloppy or messy food - rice pudding, custard, trifle, ice-cream, chili con carne, soup, gravy, curry, scooping out the fluffy insides of a baked potato etc etc. I'm sure anything which needed to be sliced (such as cheese, or roast chicken) could just have chunks ripped off it with your bare hands, or nibbled at, if you didn't have a knife.

Have you ever seen the cutlery they give to prisoners in police cells? It's black rubber, so that they can't be used to stab anyone (and consequently it's impossible to cut anything with the wibbly wobbly knife, or spear anything with the springy/boingy fork).

― C J (C J), Monday, 15 May 2006 13:30 (nineteen years ago)

all about the spork all the benefits of both the lead contenders the fork and spoon in one convient package, its evolution in progress

one day all cutlery will be combined into one all useful implement

or summin

― secondhandnews (secondhandnews), Monday, 15 May 2006 14:49 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, man. A spork? You are a sucker. Can I interest you in a new product? It's a cell phone that is also a steam iron! Now you need one less thing!

― dave's good arm (facsimile) (dave225.3), Monday, 15 May 2006 15:05 (nineteen years ago)

You do need some good burns cream for your ear, though

― beanz (beanz), Monday, 15 May 2006 15:06 (nineteen years ago)

But the burn cream can also be used as a ladder. Two products in one! yay!

― dave's good arm (facsimile) (dave225.3), Monday, 15 May 2006 15:08 (nineteen years ago)

Ingenious. It's like swiss army cream.

― beanz (beanz), Monday, 15 May 2006 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.bowlmill.com/bowlmill/images/products/lghoneydipper3.jpg

― chrisco (chrisco), Monday, 15 May 2006 15:40 (nineteen years ago)

i love chopsticks, although i still haven't figured out how to eat rice with them.

― only children bleed (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 21 May 2006 13:08 (nineteen years ago)

Pick up the bowl and scoop close to your face. It's not bad manners in Asia to do this. Plus cook sticky rice.

― Treblekicker (treblekicker), Sunday, 21 May 2006 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

three years pass...

yes but which are tastiest?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1223563/The-woman-knife--swallowing-entire-canteen-cutlery.html

― Tracer Hand, Monday, 2 November 2009 11:01 (sixteen years ago)

one year passes...

I would like to have a discussion about this.

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 09:33 (fourteen years ago)

http://images.chron.com/blogs/askacat/hatcat.JPGy

― J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 November 2010 09:33 (fourteen years ago)

perfect time for a revive ^_^

― J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 November 2010 09:33 (fourteen years ago)

oh what?!?! no wai :(

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 09:35 (fourteen years ago)

how am I going to have my discussion about http://images.chron.com/blogs/askacat/hatcat.JPGy now

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 09:36 (fourteen years ago)

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

― Mr. Snrub, Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:02 (fourteen years ago)

Ah, we may resume the http://images.chron.com/blogs/askacat/hatcat.JPGy discussion.

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:42 (fourteen years ago)

Nay!

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:42 (fourteen years ago)

Damnit, I will have my cutIery!

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:44 (fourteen years ago)

Damnit, I will have my cutIery!

― pro EVOO sucker (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:44 (19 seconds ago)

― calpolaris (nakhchivan), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 10:45 (fourteen years ago)

i have important opinions re http://images.chron.com/blogs/askacat/hatcat.JPGy imo

― ice cr?m, Tuesday, 23 November 2010 16:09 (fourteen years ago)

what the fuck is going on?

― The Great Cool Lulu who sleeps in Riley... (dog latin), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 17:19 (fourteen years ago)

something... wonderful

― ali-baba-boob-job-bomb.jpg (DJP), Tuesday, 23 November 2010 17:20 (fourteen years ago)

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