Teacher Clichés

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This is the thread where we post all of the stupid hackneyed things teachers say to kids in class.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 26 September 2004 11:31 (twenty-one years ago)

1. It's your own time you're wasting!

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 26 September 2004 11:31 (twenty-one years ago)

'Harris, as you know so much, maybe you'd like to teach this class!'

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Sunday, 26 September 2004 12:19 (twenty-one years ago)

3. If it's that funny, you can get up and tell the whole class!

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 26 September 2004 12:22 (twenty-one years ago)

4. The bell is a signal for me, not for you.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Sunday, 26 September 2004 12:22 (twenty-one years ago)

The one and only time a teacher nominated a know-it-all to teach the class at my school, five kids ganged up on him: 'are you HIRING me?'/'okay, just give us one-sixth of your paycheck, then'.

― suzy (suzy), Sunday, 26 September 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Writing one, solitary, cryptic word on the blackboard at the beginning of class...only to allude to it vaguely later during proceedings.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 26 September 2004 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

6. "You're only cheating yourself."

― Cathy (Cathy), Sunday, 26 September 2004 14:55 (twenty-one years ago)

7. "You think this is funny, do you?"

― caitlin (caitlin), Sunday, 26 September 2004 15:09 (twenty-one years ago)

8. (following a student's yawn) "I'm sorry, am I BORING you?"

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 26 September 2004 15:30 (twenty-one years ago)

9. You've let the school down, you've let your parents down but, more importantly, you've let yourself down

― Jedermann sein eigener Fussball (Dada), Sunday, 26 September 2004 15:35 (twenty-one years ago)

10. "Is that gum? Gum? Are YOU chewing gum in my class? Spit it out! You know the rules."

― {Sand in the [vaseline} on the lens] (x Jeremy), Sunday, 26 September 2004 15:59 (twenty-one years ago)

11. You'll all suffer if you don't tell me who did it.

― Dave B (daveb), Sunday, 26 September 2004 16:35 (twenty-one years ago)

12. That is not official school uniform, is it?

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

13. get your bags and baggage and move up the front
14. I can stay here all day!

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:11 (twenty-one years ago)

15. That wasn't very clever was it?

― Dave B (daveb), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

16. I'm sure your parents will find it equally amusing when they read my letter about why you have failed your exam.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:30 (twenty-one years ago)

17. Don't all put your hands up at once ( said with sarcastic sigh ).

18. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

17. You'll won't be laughing when you're working in a kebab shop.

― Dave B (daveb), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:35 (twenty-one years ago)

18. Sit there where I can keep an eye on you

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

19. It's not that I think this is bad, it's just that I think you can do it better.

― {Sand in the [vaseline} on the lens] (x Jeremy), Sunday, 26 September 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

20. Ohhhh... Now rub my other nipple... I have to get out of this bra...

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Sunday, 26 September 2004 19:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I KNOW YOUR SECRET DAN "PAME SMART" PERRY!

― {Sand in the [vaseline} on the lens] (x Jeremy), Sunday, 26 September 2004 19:05 (twenty-one years ago)

What else did you expect from Dan "Professor Bootyflakes" Perry?

23. (To a student eating something or chewing gum) I hope you brought enough for the whole class.

― j.lu (j.lu), Sunday, 26 September 2004 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

24. "You can't talk and listen at the same time."

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:06 (twenty-one years ago)

25. "we're just preparing you for [middle school/high school/college]; it will be way more work there!!!!" (it never was.)

― Ian c=====8 (orion), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:18 (twenty-one years ago)

26. at beginning of 1st year "now you may have been told last year was difficult. well it wasn't, it was a joke, this year, THIS YEAR is when the real work starts."

repeat every year.

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:28 (twenty-one years ago)

27. Try!

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:30 (twenty-one years ago)

28. "how long does it have to be? how long is a piece of string"

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:31 (twenty-one years ago)

29. "That's just yopur problem, you never try"

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

30. School Report:

"X is very quiet, could do better"

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:33 (twenty-one years ago)

31. School Report

Lara would be an excellent student if she would just apply herself. Grade: A

(can someone explain the logic here??)

― Lara (Lara), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:38 (twenty-one years ago)

32. Half of the hoework is to bring it in. If you didn't bring it in, you haven't done it.

― lupine lupin (lupinelupin), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Homework*

― lupine lupin (lupinelupin), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Ha ha - did you go to the school of hard knock(s)ing?

― Lara (Lara), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:53 (twenty-one years ago)

33. *Silently and ominously flick the lights off and on*

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:55 (twenty-one years ago)

It's as if they're saying: "I wish I could still beat you little shits, but now I just have to settle for messing with this switch over here."

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:57 (twenty-one years ago)

And of course as a wee kid it provokes immediate silence and terror, but by like fifth grade everyone totally ignores it and keeps talking.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 26 September 2004 20:58 (twenty-one years ago)

"If you spent a little more time working, and a little less time yapping, maybe we could see some results"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Sunday, 26 September 2004 21:15 (twenty-one years ago)

"Half of the hoework is to bring it in. If you didn't bring it in, you haven't done it. "

Oooh, that's a good one. I'm gonna use that.

― supercub, Sunday, 26 September 2004 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

'Right. I'm seperating you two.'

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 21:49 (twenty-one years ago)

'Would you [insert crime here] at home?'

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 26 September 2004 21:50 (twenty-one years ago)

oooh, i got that one all the time. it was especially in regard to having feet up on other chairs or desks. and yes, i do rest my feet on other chairs when i'm at home, thank you very much.

― Ian c=====8 (orion), Sunday, 26 September 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

"it's fine by me, we don't get paid by results, that's why we're in the public sector"

several lecturers use this a lot at my college.

― darragh.mac (darragh.mac), Sunday, 26 September 2004 22:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"Are you going to share that gum with the rest of the class, young man/lady?"

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Sunday, 26 September 2004 22:31 (twenty-one years ago)

"I can't tell if you're listening if you're not facing me."

"You're supposed to laugh. It was a joke. Don't you get it?" (teachers never have funny jokes)

― Aja (aja), Sunday, 26 September 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

"Wrong, do it again!"
"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you
have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"
"You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddy!"

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 26 September 2004 23:05 (twenty-one years ago)

To a student who turns up ten minutes late: "Evening."

― Wooden (Wooden), Sunday, 26 September 2004 23:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I've only heard:

"Where's your tardy slip?"

― Aja (aja), Sunday, 26 September 2004 23:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I've had teachers with funny jokes, Aja. Particularly a Mr. Christopher Plante at Toll Gate High School in Warwick, Rhode Island. He taught astronomy when I was in tenth grade; what a cool guy.

― Ian c=====8 (orion), Sunday, 26 September 2004 23:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 9 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

my personal favourite blatant lie

"success is 90% perspiration, 10% inspiration"

which explains why oxen are now highly prized as executives and are the main driving force in self-owned enterprises, one would assume.

― darragh.mac (darragh.mac), Monday, 27 September 2004 02:23 (twenty-one years ago)

This was a real one from Mr Brodie my history teacher.

' Sandra Payne, your hearing would doubtless be improved if you removed the cotton wool from your ears. However, even if you bothered to do so - which seems to me to be unlikely, as you can barely be bothered to dress yourself in the mornings - another lot of cotton wool would doubtless seep into your ears again from the hollow space between them'.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Monday, 27 September 2004 08:08 (twenty-one years ago)

He had another nice put down I once heard him use, when a boy said he was 'too exhausted by his sex life to write another essay', Mr. Brodie suggested he 'used his other hand'

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Monday, 27 September 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I have a elderly teacher friend who teaches in rough liverpool schools.

He relates the following exchange:

Kids: Sir, sir can you still get it up sir?
Teacher: What are you selling? Viagra or your arse?

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 27 September 2004 08:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I was taught RE for a term by a bloke who thought he was the whole Monty Python team rolled into one (but was actually much less funny than David Brent). Every secone class at least, he would find some pretext for quoting that verse in the Bible which mentions 'things of stone and wood', and then 'ad-lib'in something like, 'which reminds me, Adams, how's your head today?' or 'and on the subject of things of stone and wood, you all need to get your head around this....'.

Well after my time there, one student at this school, who became a musician, remembered all these refs to 'Things Of Stone And Wood' and gave his band that name. The band was one of Melbourne's most high-profile on the scene in the early-mid 90s.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 27 September 2004 08:37 (twenty-one years ago)

"This is not Grange Hill, you know"
"I once knew a girl who swung on her chair and she fell back and cracked her head open"

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:03 (twenty-one years ago)

"You might think you're big and clever now, but next year you'll be the youngest in your new school and then you'd better watch out"

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

"Before today's lesson, we're going to listen to Trout Mask Replica by Captain Beefheart." My history teacher was a bit odd.

― Adam Faithless (Adam Faithless), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

My elderly biology teacher had a bizarre phrase he used occasionally. We would randomly shout it back at him for years later:

"Look at the clock!"
(pause 10 seconds or so)
"Someone's just DIED of malaria!"

― caitlin (caitlin), Monday, 27 September 2004 10:48 (twenty-one years ago)

'Yes, I know you are studying A level Tudor History but instead I am going to show you this film about Auschwitz. Then walk around the classroom pretending to be a Nazi and decising which of you look Aryan and healthy enough to be spared the gas chamber. Then I will tell 3 people in the class that they would defimitely be gassed because they are 'defective' ( 'Bad acne', 'dark skin', 'deaf in on ear').'

Sick fuck. He's still teaching. In fact, he's been promoted.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Monday, 27 September 2004 10:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I had a geography teacher who used to say, when the class was nattering away and not working, "I am talking, you are not." After he'd said this, oooh, twice, we always used to correct him, mid-sentence, so it became "I am talking"-"SO ARE WE."

― Rasputin Kitten (Nick Southall), Monday, 27 September 2004 11:51 (twenty-one years ago)

"Sit down! The pips don't decide when you go, I do."

― Wooden (Wooden), Monday, 27 September 2004 13:43 (twenty-one years ago)

"If you do that one more time I'll fuck you up, you snivelling little homosexual."

― Rasputin Kitten (Nick Southall), Monday, 27 September 2004 14:08 (twenty-one years ago)

"If you do that one more time I'll fuck you up, you snivelling little homosexual."

Oh you went to my school too? We seem so incredibly similar.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Monday, 27 September 2004 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I was just telling my wife about a psycho PE teacher we had. There were rumours that he used to be a gifted teacher til he had some kind of accident playing rugby and now he had a plate in his head and was slightly mental. This may well be true because he really shouldn't have been allowed to teach.

When I was 12 we were practising shooting baskets when another kid stole my ball off me (we each had our own ball and were just taking shots), and me being 12 years old and a bit bad-tempered hit the kid on the arm and took the ball back off him. At this the teacher sent me to his office. He came in to the office smiling then without warning tipped over the chair I was sitting in so I fell on my back and stood over me shaking me by the collar shouting "You violent little shit!" The irony of this situation was not lost on me.

The same teacher also throttled one of my friends for not doing his homework and went to punch another kid in the middle of a lesson but managed to restrain himself. I really don't know how he kept his job, but looking at some of the other teachers at my school it's not that surprising. The cunt.

― Colonel Poo (Colonel Poo), Monday, 27 September 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

'Stop fidgeting. Stop scratching. Do you need to see the Nit Nurse?'

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Monday, 27 September 2004 15:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Best blanket answer to all those questions they ask:

'Would that be a rhetorical question?'

Also, what is it with people with 'amusing' surnames gravitating towards teacherdom?

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 27 September 2004 15:24 (twenty-one years ago)

My sister teaches with someone called Mr Noblet.

― Adam Faithless (Adam Faithless), Monday, 27 September 2004 15:58 (twenty-one years ago)

OK. My former teachers include Roger DeClercq, Dick Koch, Gordon Weirauch, Mr. Ringsrud, Mr. Bom, Miss Smigala (aka Smegma), Miss Sickles, Mrs Storm (tiny, loud, aka 'in a teacup'), Miss Hooley. There was also a morbidly obese TA caled Henry Miller ('Tropic of Cancer: Actual Size').

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 27 September 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

We had a substitute named Mrs. Cocaine. Amazing but true.

My friend who's a teacher, has a principal named Mr. Dilbone.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 27 September 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

We had a substitute teacher, a district regular, who was the cousin of Dynasty's Linda Evans, who subbed English classes. Having told us about her cousin, by the end of the class she'd be fuming because a certain group of mean girls kept asking her if she as a substitute teacher resented her cousin's fame, success, beauty, or whatever other attribute that came to mind.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 27 September 2004 16:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I had a PE teacher named Mr. Ashit.

― n/a (Nick A.), Monday, 27 September 2004 17:24 (twenty-one years ago)

"Take your headphones out of your ears before I strangle you with them."

It's one I use.

I don't really strangle the poor, deaf dears, even though they take out their headphones.

― SRH (Skrik), Monday, 27 September 2004 18:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Me/anyone late. "Oh there you are Ms Penelope, so you've decided to join us?"

1st period gobshite to latecomers EVERY FUCKING TIME. "Good afternine"

Dick.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Monday, 27 September 2004 18:23 (twenty-one years ago)

David Attenborough's daughter was my sister's first teacher. She ran the nature club at our school.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 07:53 (twenty-one years ago)

We had a young games teacher called Miss Lovett-Standing.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"If brains were a disease you'd be healthy!"

― Jasper Milvain, Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:15 (twenty-one years ago)

"If wit was shit you'd be constipated."

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:21 (twenty-one years ago)

"oh, X told you to do it, did he? if X told you to put your hand in a fire, would you do it? hm?"

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:29 (twenty-one years ago)

I had a short spell as a temporary teacher and met the full range of tactics used by adolescent girls to humiliate and embarrass young male teachers. My then girlfriend taught at the same school, which made things even easier for them.

One time I was teaching a short story meant to start a discussion about smoking. The following exchange with angel-faced girl of about 13 or 14 ensued:

"Sir, you know Miss C don't you. She's very pretty"
"Yes, she is a friend, but we are talking about smoking"
Pause
"Sir, does Miss C smoke?"
"No"
Pause
"(sotto voce) Does she smoke the beef?" (Not an expression I've heard before or since. But cue class of giggling girls, one red-faced and speechless teacher).

― frankiemachine, Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Today one of my students told me that I was the best teacher she has ever had. Ever in life.

I think my heart actually grew two sizes larger.

Is being a sucker for feeling like you "make a difference" a teacher cliche?

― Laura E (laurae55), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 15:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't see why you need quote marks there, and I don't think you're a sucker for thinking it.

frankiesmachine story is superb. I don't know if I have the wit to be a teacher i.e. a rapid-fire response to heckling. I think it matters much less what you actually say in these situations than that you say something at all, with some appreciable level of authority. Being a teacher sounds like really good training for a stand-up comedy career.

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 16:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I actually wrote it initially without quotes, but it all felt too Very Special Episode of Boston Public to me.

I also have trouble taking myself too seriously, I suppose.

― Laura E (laurae55), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 16:57 (twenty-one years ago)

"Can I use the bathroom?"

"Well, I sure hope that you CAN!"

Hahaha, never gets old, Mrs. Brunvald.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 17:01 (twenty-one years ago)

six months pass...

"Show us your non-centimetre finger!" [My Environmental Science teacher discovered that the width...not the circumference...of one's pinky finger measures about a centimetre. So when we were asked to show our non-centimetre finger, the whole class gave the middle finger and he'd give it, too.]

"We're going to watch -- Dante's Peak!"
"We're going to watch -- Twister!"
[Same teacher as above. On days he didn't feel like teaching he'd show those two movies.]

"I've got news for you. (lengthy pause) WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
"I've got a film here about sex and bondage. (plays video about mating arachnids)"
[An Environmental Science teacher I did not have but most everyone I knew had. Every March he'd open one of his units with that first caption, and with the latter caption he'd say it to every class period before showing the film.]

"I am the dictator of this classroom! I'm an egotistical bastard; pay attention to me!" (My 12th grade English teacher)

"Cheating is bad." (My 9th grade English teacher would say dryly every day, purposefully.)

"No excuses!" (To which I always responded, "It's not an excuse, it's an explanation!" 1up!)

― Ian Riese-Moraine. To Hell with you and your gradual evolution! (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:03 (twenty-one years ago)

"I can't believe this. You're (grade)ers and you're acting like (younger grade)ers."

― Aja (aja), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Agh, I think I heard that in every class I've ever been in from sixth grade on.

― Ian Riese-Moraine. To Hell with you and your gradual evolution! (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"Now, apologize to him/her and you better mean it!"

"Now, I need a volunteer... (everyone raises hand in hopes of getting out of class) You don't even know what I'm going to ask. (Hands still in the air)...To jump out the window."

― Aja (aja), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:06 (twenty-one years ago)

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Classic!

― Ian Riese-Moraine. To Hell with you and your gradual evolution! (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:32 (twenty-one years ago)

It's not that funny, to me at least.

― Aja (aja), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, I've never heard it before and I can picture some of my teachers using it to great effect.

― Ian Riese-Moraine. To Hell with you and your gradual evolution! (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:59 (twenty-one years ago)

How could you have not heard it? They said that to my class every year until about fifth grade. My fourth grade teacher used it the most, and she was a sister!

― Aja (aja), Saturday, 9 April 2005 23:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know, Aja...I don't know. But I got away with it.

― Ian Riese-Moraine. To Hell with you and your gradual evolution! (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 9 April 2005 23:16 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/graphics/art3/1203041inside1.jpg

"Fuck me."

― happy fun ball (kenan), Saturday, 9 April 2005 23:26 (twenty-one years ago)

One teacher I had in the past: "You know, the difference between you and me is that I've actually graduated from [current grade we were in]." I had her for more than one year and she was actually really great.

Another teacher I had: "You are all mentally retarded and will amount to nothing, you pond scum." (Nice fucking bastard, right?)

Yet another teacher: "Okay class, get out your notebooks. We're going to write an essay today about [current topic being covered]." (She loved essays.)

In general: "You may hate me now, but you'll wind up loving me later." (This was true most of the time. Note: I said MOST, not ALL.)

― I am that unhip, naive nobody you always avoid. (Dee the Lurker), Sunday, 10 April 2005 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

three years pass...

17. You'll won't be laughing when you're working in a kebab shop.

― Abbott, Monday, 13 October 2008 22:33 (seventeen years ago)

you'll be laughing with delight at the free CHIPS AND MEAT

― Local Garda, Monday, 13 October 2008 22:44 (seventeen years ago)

18. Now clahyuss, can ya picture this? Cassius is sitting on top of the hill, right, and he thinks he sees his boy Titinius go down in battle, ya see? But it's just a flesh wound! He's not dead, but Cassius thinks he is! Cassius is overtaken with grief and he says OH TITINIUS and he FALLS on his SWORD! And Titinius he doesn't know this is going on, he's down at the bottom of the hill dodging arrows and swords and he WINS the day and he goes back up to the top of the hill to celebrate with Cassius but Cassius is DEAD, he's RUN THROUGH on his own sword! And Titinius says OH CASSIUS and he falls on HIS sword! And then Brutus wins the battle the next day but he's so WRACKED with guilt over taking out his Emperor that he falls on his sword, and now we've got bodies all over the stage and this sticky swamp of blood and dry British acting but that's basically the end of Julius Caesar, class, if you catch my meaning. Who's got questions?

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 13 October 2008 23:15 (seventeen years ago)

^ this guy is why i want to teach english btw

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 13 October 2008 23:16 (seventeen years ago)

you know those hard-ass gym teachers you see in movies? that's what my p.e. teacher was like.

― cameron carr, Monday, 13 October 2008 23:18 (seventeen years ago)

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