going out with a guy who is nine years younger than you - can it ever work out in the long term?

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He's 22, I'm 31, we've been together for just under a year. We've gone through the crazily in love phase and now we're just happily in love. There are really no problems apart from the age gap. Which is no problem at all at the moment. But I know most of my friends and family think I'm just setting myself up for a fall - that in a couple of years' time I'll want to have a child or something but he'll be too young for it... that I'll wait and wait until he's ready then it'll all go messy when I'm getting too old... although I can't really think in these terms at all at the moment, I'm too much in love.

Anyone thoughts or useful experiences to recount?

― exlurker, Tuesday, 5 October 2004 11:12 (twenty-one years ago)

My friend is with a lad who is about 7 years younger than her (22 in a few weeks) & he is so mature. They are due to go travelling next year & when they come back, they've planned to buy their own place & have kids. I don't really think age comes into it, if you're both happily in love. Have you spoken to him about what these ppl are saying?

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 11:16 (twenty-one years ago)

My dad's 12 1/2 years younger than my mum, and they've been happily married for over 25 years. So, it doesn't have to be a problem.

(they were about your ages when they first got together, I think)

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 11:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm 33, my boi is 21. We've been together over a year and friends 2 years before that - and I'm perfectly happy. The age diff means absolutely nothing. And aside from the occasional joke from friends or family, no hassles! :)

But I've always liked the younger ones.. ;)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 11:18 (twenty-one years ago)

You may find some useful thoughts on this thread:

Older women

― Alba (Alba), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 11:20 (twenty-one years ago)

It's a shame this is still a one-way issue - how often do you hear men fretting about whether having a girlfriend nine years younger is a bad thing? I think if the younger person doesn't seem hopelessly immature to the older one, there isn't a problem.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

A girl nine years younger than me would be 16. I'd fret a bit about that one...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Men die younger anyway, right? So you might as well get them young.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

women into younger men are HOT

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I married a woman six years older. It has worked out for 20 years now. What matters most is a good match to start out and your both being utterly determined to make it work. All else fades in comparison.

― Aimless (Aimless), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:37 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm 25, my girlfriend is 33. i never feel the age difference; she does occassionally. she and i don't have problems with it, but her friends took some time to get used to the idea. my friends all thought she was my age cuz she's fucking beautiful and hardly looks her age. the only concern is that we will need to get married/make babies faster than we might have if we were both the same age. but with this woman it's well worth it. 22, however, does sound very young. a lot of growing up will happen in the next couple of years; i would be slightly concerned about him -- ironic i know -- outgrowing the relationship a bit. my girl has been worried about that with us, and i don't see it, but i also understand what she means.

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:40 (twenty-one years ago)

my mom is at least 5 years older than my dad. they've been married for more than 30 years, and are disgustingly happy.

i often crush on younger boys, and i'm often less ready to 'settle down' than they are. i'm highly immature.

as long as you guys are happy (and have talked about at least some of the key issues for you, whether that's kids, marriage, etc), go for it.

your friends are probably just jealous that you have a hot young thing while they've settled down with father-clones.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:41 (twenty-one years ago)

My girlfriend is five years older. There's been some issues every now and then relating to marriage and general maturity (maturity = keeping the apartment clean), but things have largely been pretty great for the past four years.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I dunno, Martin, I'd be *extremely* cautious about getting involved with someone nine years younger than me, to the extent of probably not even considering it as a possibility.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:48 (twenty-one years ago)

My wife is ten years younger. To the day.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

What about a woman nine years older than you, Rick?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

My mother is nine years older than my step-father. When I think about him at 25 marrying a 34 year-old with two kids, my head still spins. They've been married for twenty years.

It is a little different having a parent who's only fifteen years older. The further along in years we get, the more him and I become more like peers. Right now, I'm in my early thirties and he's in his mid-forties. Not as big of a difference there as it was when I was eleven and he was 26.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

To sound a negative note... my first serious girlfriend was 6 years older - me in my early 20s, she in her late 20s. Ultimately, age did become the problem - essentially, she wanted to get married, I kept putting her off, I just wasn't ready... all sorts of resentments on both sides developed and there was an exceptionally messy endgame that I still look back on with regret, years later. I don't think the age thing is necessarily a problem, but it certainly can be if not handled right.

― Meursault (Meursault), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 14:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I've never met a 22 year old who didn't have A LOT of growing up to do. Not necessarily a problem, but it does mean that you can't be sure that the person you're in love with will remain that person with the same interestes, dreams and goals. Just take care.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:00 (twenty-one years ago)

9 years older = more likely, on the basis that a given difference in age is less significant the older you get. Most of the few twenty year olds I ever meet seem to live on a completely different planet to me. This is not so true of people in their late thirties.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, kind of what Mark says, except s/22/20/.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Fair enough, Rick - I think every year at 19 or so makes a big difference. I've had relationships with bigger gaps, but I'd have been very wary of someone nine years younger when I was still in my 20s too.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:14 (twenty-one years ago)

What if your girlfriend doesn't know that that's Aretha Franklin? If she don't remember the Queen of Soul?

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Weirdest disconnect for me was going out with someone who had never so much as heard of Tommy Cooper - but this was because she wasn't English rather than because of age.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:25 (twenty-one years ago)

My girlfriend is 7 years old and we've never really had any problems with it. We're both really immature anyway.

― Jeff-PTTL (Jeff), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Wow, she's only 7?!!!?!!?!?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 16:49 (twenty-one years ago)

She looked 19, I swear officer.

older, I meant.

― Jeff-PTTL (Jeff), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I tried this and it didn't work. Turned out he wasn't ready for me. It was lucky for me in the end, cuz now I've got Scott instead of some snot-nosed playa.

― Maria D. (Maria D.), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

My husband is eight years younger than me, and we've been married 18 years. I like to think we're still pretty much disgustingly happy, and have a sane, well-adjusted 16-year-old to show for it. :)

― Hey Jude, Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:39 (twenty-one years ago)

My friend is 10 years older than me (I'm 25) and that is lovely.

― isadora (isadora), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 00:06 (twenty-one years ago)

The male is always doing it for fetishy reasons so you can never really get past that and have a real relationship. The cachet of fucking a non-traditional person supersedes the significance of the actual person.

― f, Wednesday, 6 October 2004 01:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Sounds great. Where do I get one?

― what katie didn't do, Wednesday, 6 October 2004 09:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Of course a 22 year old has growing up to do, but we all mature in some way as time passes. I don't imagine I'll be the same next year as I was last year. You grow together (or apart in certain circumstances) or at least, that's the way I see it. I dated a guy who was 19 when i was 25 & i knew that he was far too immature, i guess it's a case of just knowing & being honest with yourself.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 10:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Ed was 22 when I started seeing him. If you've got enough in common on all the other levels age becomes less and less of a consideration.

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 10:43 (twenty-one years ago)

What the difference between you & ed if you don't mind me asking Suzy?

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 10:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Ed's more of a hippy.

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 10:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Suzy probably doesn't know how to cut the head off a goat.

(argh, xpost hive mind)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 10:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Give me a goat, a knife and about five minutes and I could probably figure it out, DC.

Pink, it's about a decade, give/take a few months. I am about 10 inches shorter than him, though...funnily, my parents are exactly ONE DAY apart and are an advertisement for staying the fuck away from those who are exactly your age that you meet at school dances.

Haha N, he's far too much of a design and tech head - and far too annoyed with lazy sods in general - to be a real hippy. He would not cut it as a vegetarian either. Hovwever, he occasionally goes camping with some. You are just confused by the dredz.

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 11:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Hippies can be very enterprising. Look at Ben & Jerry, or Charles Manson.

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 11:04 (twenty-one years ago)

age doesn't mean squat if your heads are connected

― kephm, Wednesday, 6 October 2004 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Siamese twins to thread

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

"The male is always doing it for fetishy reasons so you can never really get past that and have a real relationship"

This is completely not true

― isadora (isadora), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 18:34 (twenty-one years ago)

My folks have been together 30 years. When they got together she was 16 and he was 25.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 18:43 (twenty-one years ago)

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