Why are new car names so lame?

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When did Detroit get all wuss?

Instead of badass names like Barracuda, Javelin, and Duster, we're given bogus, esoteric names like "Kia Serus" and "the 2005 Dodge Profia" or "Subaru Quexiss" (OK, I made those up.). Most of the names aren't even real words.

There's still plenty of evil model names for cars, aren't there?

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:17 (twenty-one years ago)

It's lowest common denominator, isn't it? They have to make sure the word's not going to mean something crap or offensive in any potential market, plus most good words have been used already for other products (which doesn't mean they can't use them, but it dilutes the brand somewhat).

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:20 (twenty-one years ago)

So no Chevy Anthrax, then?

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:21 (twenty-one years ago)

KIA SOPHIA
KIA SPORTAGE

― brock (brock), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I've worked with a bunch of naming consultants, and while I respect what they do and am impressed by their methodologies and rationalizations, it really must be the most absurd profession ever.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I've heard that part of the problem is that they're running out of names.

― Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

They should drop the polite bullshit and give the cars XXX names

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

From the first day Ferruccio Lamborghini decided to establish his own sports car factory, the only idea in his
mind was: knock down Ferrari ! Within 3 years, he did that with Miura, a mid-engined V12 supercar with beautiful look and incomparable speed.

Having fulfilled the original goal, his next dream was to create an all-time greatest supercar. That car should be
unbounded by any existing rules, should be so outstanding that no word could describe its excellence. Therefore he named this car "Countach", an Italian word simply meaning "Wow ! Look at this !".

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I do not respect what they do, and I don't think you really do either, Spencer.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I want to see an Aston Wow Look At This

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:24 (twenty-one years ago)

The New BMW Labiuss?

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:24 (twenty-one years ago)

No no, I was actually pretty impressed with a couple good ones (there are of course the lame ones as in any profession). They can actually save alot of time and needless political wrangling in many situations.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:26 (twenty-one years ago)

The Ford Fuckmebaby
The Dodge Domyass
The Toyota Twelveinchcock

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:27 (twenty-one years ago)

The Buick Buttfucker

― Smokin' funk by the boxes (kenan), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe you're right, Spencer. Can it really be possible to simultaneously find something absurd and respect it? Perhaps that is the essence of anti-rockism.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Can't you just reuse an old name, as long as it's your intellectual property? I'd rather buy a car called a "Manta" than a "Scoby" or something.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:29 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost, if you bring a good one in they can say "No No, I'm sorry Mr. CTO, we can't name it the X because". Most people, even really smart ones, are incapable of really spelling out why. Naming consultants really cut through "pet" names and stubborness.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

The worst are made up words that combine to other words, i.e. Cadillac's Escalade (Escapade + Escalate?)

― Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Andy - there's nothing stopping you changing the name of your own car to whatever you want. Commission a metal insignia, or just write it on with a marker pen if you're strapped for cash.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I propose:
Mazda Wellfayre (working class 2-door)
Honda Rival (nothing, at all, like a Toyota)
Dodge Beater (0-60 in a 6-pack of Coors Lite)

― Remy (x Jeremy), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:33 (twenty-one years ago)

There's still alot of fast, sinister creatures under the sea that they haven't touched yet. The Mako? the Nautilus? I think there might have been a marlin already... maybe a dodge?

And you can always fall back on astronomical constellations and things... they sound grand but aren't fake, made-up words.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:35 (twenty-one years ago)

An Escalade would be like a 'climb' in French. So it's a car for pretentious climbers. Persoanlly, I think there's some commendable honesty to this moniker.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Taking a page from David Foster Wallace, I'd like to name a car the Plymouth Nadir.

― Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Why isn't there a 4X4 called the Berzerker, for instance? Or the Lincoln Visigoth? Those are pretty sinister.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:36 (twenty-one years ago)

They could use a few more superlatives

Toyota Amazing
Renault Fantastic
Ford Wicked

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Or you know how they used to name women after qualities... Hope, Faith, Grace, etc?

The 2005 Jeep Grand Chastity!

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:38 (twenty-one years ago)

I am very fond of the Probe.

― aimurchie, Monday, 11 October 2004 21:39 (twenty-one years ago)

We should work harder to reinforce prescribed gender roles.

Little cars should have cute, little names like the Hoochie or the Slapper.

Midlevel sports cars should be called the Surly or the Tude.

Big SUVS should have names like the Smackdown or the Fortress.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 11 October 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

was annoyed today by the Electra. I wouldn't drive an Oedipus.

― autovac (autovac), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:03 (twenty-one years ago)

They have to make sure the word's not going to mean something crap or offensive in any potential market

They should drop the polite bullshit and give the cars XXX names

Honda Jazz was originally supposed to be called Honda Fitta, until it was discovered that "Fitta" means "(The) Cunt" in Norwegian and Swedish. Allegedly, one of the slogans dreamt up by the publicity people before this was revealed was

Honda Fitta is small on the outside -- but large when you get inside.

― OleM (OleM), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Doesn't jazz derive from either jezebel or some slang related to carnal ardor?

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

No one really knows. There are theories.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:16 (twenty-one years ago)

So it's only a matter of time before we get a two-seater Subaru called the Shag?

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

DIdn't Dodge make the Swinger?

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 22:29 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.houstonmopars.org/70dart.jpg

Yes they did! 1970 Dodge Swinger

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 22:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Why are new cars so lame full stop? I can't drive, and don't imagine I ever will, but if I did I would get oe of these, or something a bit more 30s-ish.

http://www.autowire.net/morris.jpg

Bits of it are made of wood! Which is part of what I like. And it just looks cool.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:36 (twenty-one years ago)

You have to drive a Woodie to really understand what it's all about.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 11 October 2004 22:42 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.studebaker-packardclub.nl/images/2001%20zondag/Mvc-173s.jpg

The Studebaker Avanti is the most beautiful, most advanced car ever made. And I don't want to argue about it.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 22:58 (twenty-one years ago)

See, that's what I don't like about new cars: the pretense of being aerodynamic. You don't have to go that fast that it matters, a nice design is much more important. Sleekness is everything that's wrong with the future.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Fuck, there's a limitless supply of numbers. Works for Porsche. Maybe slap a "GT" in the general vicinity of it, or some enigmatic initials after it (a-la "240Z"). And acronyms: GTO, SST, GTX, AMX, XKE. Enough focus-group portmanteau bullshit pls.

Relatively recent car name that actually does kick ass: The Mitsubishi Lancer Evo [insert roman numeral here].

― alfalfa romeo (natepatrin), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Why doesn't International make consumer models anymore? I know they still make big hauling trucks, but they had some cool pickups and SUV's years ago, including the Scout and Travelall. I guess the marketing on commercial vehicles is a fraction of what you'd spend on consumer models.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 23:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Does anybody remember the INTEGRA?

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:33 (twenty-one years ago)

i always wanted a CORRUPTA

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:33 (twenty-one years ago)

and can anyone tell me if it's true that you used to be able to tell the year a car came out by looking into its brakelights? i seem to remember doing that.

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Most car horns are F#. I don't know why. If some horns were F#, some were A, and some were D, why, traffic jams would be downright harmonious.

― andy, Monday, 11 October 2004 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

My best friend's dad used to have an Avanti. Actually he had two of them, one of them before I was around. It was all black and looked hella meaner than that photo. Definitely turned heads, but it wasn't much of a car really. I was so disappointed when I first looked under the hood and saw a Chevy engine. I thought it'd be exotic n shit.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 11 October 2004 23:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes tracer, you could look at tail light lenses up until maybe the early seventies and read the vehicle's year of manufacture.

Also, what the hell is an Imprezza?

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 00:24 (twenty-one years ago)

From The MacDonald Speller:

Daihatsu Charade CES
Daihatsu Charade CLS
Daihatsu Charade CLX
Daihatsu Charade SE
Daihatsu Charade Social
Daihatsu Charade SX
Daihatsu Rocky

― WeatheringD, Tuesday, 12 October 2004 00:42 (twenty-one years ago)

With a name like that, it kinda sounds like the Daihatsu dudes aren't really serious auto makers.

And while we're at it, let's not forget the almighty Plymouth Cricket. (Japanese import - mid 70s)

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 01:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Hurting wrote:
The worst are made up words that combine to other words, i.e. Cadillac's Escalade (Escapade + Escalate?)

Yeah, like the Nissan Frogurt (Frozen + Yogurt.)

We need more names based on arthropods (Mitsubishi Spyder, Pontiac Lobster), spices (Porsche Cayenne, Honda Cream of Tartar), and inert gases (Dodge Neon, Chevy Radon.)

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 01:56 (twenty-one years ago)

You know there's an Alfa Romeo Spider?

http://memimage.cardomain.net/member_images/11/web/239000-239999/239131_1.jpg

― Alba (Alba), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 07:19 (twenty-one years ago)

best name ever-the mitsubishi Starrion. The US importer called the factory and asked what their new sports car should be called, Mitsubishi thought Stallion a good name, you can guess the rest.

― lukey (Lukey G), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 07:38 (twenty-one years ago)

There's still plenty of evil model names for cars, aren't there?

I think Andy nails it right there in the question. In an era where the car was unquestionably good, you could give it an evil badass muthafucka name and get away with it. The Dodge Swinger being a case in point. But when even Bush knows that cars are fucking up the weather, the air and global geopolitics (that's why he gave a billion dollars to the auto industry to develop a hydrogen car, isn't it? Oh wait, he gave a billion dollars to the auto industry because they support him and his anti-Kyoto stance, and zero emissions was just the pretext) you have to give cars caring, sharing, eco-friendly names.

The thing is, when you get back to nature, you get raunchy. The Japanese are ahead here; I was driving a Daihatsu Naked this summer, a little eco-friendly low-emission hatchback that's so in tune with nature that it's not wearing any clothes. Just like the Dodge Swinger. We've come full circle.

― Momus (Momus), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 08:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Relatively recent car name that actually does kick ass: The Mitsubishi Lancer Evo [insert roman numeral here].

I read that as Mitsubishi Lancer Emo. A car for the sensitive boy in you.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

There are 88 constellations, most of which haven't even been touched on:

Fiat Vulpecula
Buick Sagitta
Volgswagen Auriga
Vauxhall Triangulum

etc.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 08:38 (twenty-one years ago)

F# would be a great band name!

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 08:42 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.rockcrawler.com/features/newsshorts/04june/dodge3.jpg

Here's the new Dodge Emo 4x4, pictured near Dick Cheney's personal golf course. It's for emotionally sensitive boys who just want to let off steam -- well, C02 and carbon monoxide, actually -- by ripping up some nature after a girl has dumped them. Who needs power chords when you've got 345 horsepower under the hood? Who needs a girlfriend when Dick Cheney is your grandpa?

― Momus (Momus), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 08:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, what the hell is an Imprezza?
-- jim wentworth (wenc...), October 12th, 2004 1:24 AM. (later)

you need an Imprezza, in order to impress her.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 10:06 (twenty-one years ago)

lamborghini diablo was a pretty evil name

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 10:09 (twenty-one years ago)

as for lame - VW "Sharon"

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 10:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Volvo "Tracey"

(this one's made up)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 10:12 (twenty-one years ago)

It's a sha-ran ken - it's all in the inflection! See it sounds so much more coool now, doesn't it?

― Rumpy Pumpkin (rumpypumpkin), Tuesday, 12 October 2004 10:47 (twenty-one years ago)

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