Tell us about the biggest moron you know

A mate of mine deliberately walked in on him at a party when he was about to loose his virginity and the girl ran out of the room and didn't speak to him again. Very cruel, but if anyone deserved it it was this guy.

'Know' vs. 'know of' -- in this case I am profoundly glad it's the latter.

Runner up is another Nick. He was once arrested after driving past a cop while smoking a bong.

We had to sit this guy down and ask him what was going on. His response was that every shift was another "baptism by fire". My response was, "Dude, YOU ONLY GET BAPTIZED ONCE."

Maybe he's a born-again moron. Plenty of those to go around, I suppose.

1. During a conversation about the "terrible twos" with another coworker who has children, he brought up the fact that he keeps wooden spoons on each floor of the house, for ready access should one of his offspring require discipline, apparently. He was once overheard on his office line asking his wife "Did you beat her?" in a tone that suggested 'well, you should have.'

2. At one point he found some footage of an Iraqi insurgent armed with a rocket-propelled grenade being shot to death during a street fight with US troops. He played this over and over at work, loud enough for most of us in the office to hear until I yelled at him and stormed out of the room.

3. Once when I came into work on a Friday with my weekender bag, he asked me where I was headed. I responded that I was going to New York. He asked whether I meant upstate, or where I was going, so I said I was heading to Manhattan. Now, see above concerning the screensaver on his workstation. He asked where Manhattan was.

4. Today he was working at a different computer, which is plugged into the video wall to function as a display for large status diagrams and such. He was using it to check his email while everybody could see what he was reading. In his inbox was an email from some homophobic mailing list informing members to boycott some company which was apparently pushing to hire more gay people.

There are plenty more. Thing is, he is in all other respects a completely harmless and polite individual. But that just really starts to wear thin after a while.

xpost to Tom

Over the course of several months it dawned on me that this guy was a complete moron. Mostly because he had only four topics of conversation:

- his son, who he was pushing to become a child actor as well
- his "hot" wife, 9 years his junior
- the special way they prepare burgers at In N Out ("they scrape the grill clean before they throw new burgers down! So good!") despite being a vegeterian
- and his anti-gay rants

On the latter point, one night we were working, sitting at some desks in a row, and he was talking to a friend of mine about homosexuality, something along the lines of how he liked "the gays" but just happened to think what they did was completely disgusting and awful. Next to T@z on the other side was sitting a fellow named Anthony, who happened to be gay. Anthony stood up after a few minutes and walked away to get something, I'm not even sure he heard T@z. T@z turned to me and my friend and said "He might be pissed at me because he's a homosexual!" Anyway, to "make up" for the insult, T@z went out of his way for Anthony. Anthony had left his VCR on pause, and after a couple minutes the tape started playing again. T@z immediately rushed over to the TV and stopped the tape, in a HEROIC FEAT! Anthony returned minutes later and T@z breathlessly explained "Hey buddy, you were gone and the tape started playing again on it's own, so I ran over and stopped it." Anthony, confused, said "Thanks" and T@z gave him the ol' thumb and forefinger Pistol of Friendship and said "Anytime, man, anytime."

We later found out T@z was a convicted child molester.

Every other day (including weekends, of course) he used to come down and knock on my door, asking me to turn my music down (usually it wasn't that loud). At first he would come down at around 9pm, saying he was studying blah blah blah. Gradually it became 8pm. Finally he started coming down at 5pm (basically right after I'd woken up) to complain. He also used bitch constantly about my cigarette smoke, demanded I close all the windows in my apartment all the time (I should mention the ventillation was piss poor in this place), tried to get me to hang out with my friends in my kitchen (who didn't come over very often ANYWAY cuz I live in a airless shoebox) rather than the living room (he claimed the smoke bothered him less) and generally just attempted to pester me as much as he possibly could. FINALLY after months of this idiocy, I told him to in fuck off, that I was tired of being harrassed and that if he had a problem with noise or smoke or fucking anything, he could a) take it up with the apartment manager or b) the police, but that he wasn't to knock on my door anymore. He got really indignant, claimed I was being pissy and unreasonable and flounced off. Occassionally after this, he would bang on the ceiling with a broom or something like that when he decided the music was bothering him, but I would just turn the music up louder and he'd eventually shut up.

Weird side note: the ceiling of my bathroom (which was right below the ceiling to his bathroom) was leaking really badly one day and the manager knocked on this guy's door to see what was going on. No one answered so he opened it up and went inside and checked the bathroom (probably illegally, but whatever.) No leak (turned out it was the apartment above his) but there was an ENORMOUS bucket hanging from a huge chain dead center in the center of the bathroom (blocking access to the the sink, toilet and shower actually, and no it wasn't to catch the leak.)

In the Smart-People-Can-Also-Be-Morons File, I was at a thanksgiving dinner the other day and a girl there grated incrementally more and more on my nerves, with the loudness of her voice and her pithless pithy statements. At the beginning of the night I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but by the end I was driven from the room by her presence. It's a fine-tuned kind of moronicness.

I don't know what kind of collar that shirt has but from a purely logisitical point of view it would seem moronic. One generally tries to get a girl's shirt off as opposed to climbing into it.

(Haha, who is Steve Young anyway?)

I don't understand what you're trying to say here, Nick.

on a lighter note, the football coach at my dad's college in iowa was recently fired. he was a serious zealot; the team had required bible study, which was no problem (sadly), but when he ANOINTED THE TEAMS' HEADS WITH OIL before a playoff game, a line had been crossed.

his american biblical literalism meant the oil wasn't, yknow, olive or whatever but regular old 10W40 valvoline. motor oil all over their heads, before a game, for maximum jesus power. adios fuckface!!

ROFFLE!! U.S. foreign policy is suddenly making a whole lot more sense.

One time I ran into him out on campus and he stopped me and then suddenly he was all like “show me love, man.” Then he put his arms out at me. By this time I was pretty sad to know the dude at all, so it was terrifically embarrassing to have to give him the “show me love” hug in public.

Over a few months I figured out how to avoid him: I’d just peek out my door before leaving, to make sure he wasn’t across the hall waiting to collar me. Later on, my best friend started dating this very cool, incredibly good-looking girl named, let’s say, Helen. Helen would come over to my friend’s place a lot, because she had a weird situation going on at home: she was living with an ex-boyfriend, who she said was kind of psycho and made life difficult for her. It wasn’t until several weeks later, after my friend had gotten pretty attached to Helen, that we learned this ex-boyfriend was Jilm. And apparently Jilm’s apartment issues had nothing to do with being her ex-boyfriend: he was just a complete freak about his space. For instance—I heard about this and later verified it at a party there—he kept constantly stocked with four cans each of four kinds of soup, and he got very angry if they moved from the way he stored them: in four parallel lines, with the labels all faced out toward the front of the cupboard. I think it was when I saw the soup that Jilm’s transition completed itself in my head: at first I’d just thought of him as an embarrassing harmless doofus, but looking at that soup I was pretty sure he’d one day kill somebody.

My friend broke up with the girl.

And yes: one day this guy Jilm will be operating on your gall bladder.

everything about him is everything you could hate about promoters.

I am in a serious rage right now as regards promoters/clubs so this thread is therapeutic.

also the way she structured sentences was very bizarre -- she was super-hyper and i think she had a serious case of advanced ADD that was making her write in the weirdly disjointed way her brain hopped from thought to thought. major syntax problems. she wasn't dyslexic or anything, she was just kinda... not all there. she talked that way too (slightly more normally).