How long can you not see or speak to your significant other before you are de facto broken up?

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No, seriously. Three weeks? A month? At what point are you no longer "together" and really just kidding yourself now.

Please advise.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:35 (twenty-one years ago)

It depends. If you live in the same house, for example, it's more worrying not to speak to each other for a week than if you live on different continents.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, depends on how "significant" that other means - if you're dating or actually partners, how long you've been dating, etc.

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:39 (twenty-one years ago)

And also what the previous pattern has been. If there's a CHANGE, that is the important thing.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:41 (twenty-one years ago)

How about 3 weeks of no contact while yes, in fact, on different continents? With one party forbidding the other party from calling. In a serious (almost 2 year) relationship.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Whats the reason for the forbidding?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

If one partner has forbidden the other from calling, I'd say the relationship is probably already pretty over.

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah wtf

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

"STRESS"

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

If they've still got albums of yours, then it's still on.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Right, guys?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Guys?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

give me back my limp bizkit album you rascal

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:44 (twenty-one years ago)

It's still on until one of you dumps the other. Jeez.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:44 (twenty-one years ago)

If one partner feels they have the right to forbid *phone calls* from the other, that partner has too much power.

xpost *his* stress? If so, I love it when people privilege normal everyday shit into an annoying neurosis that must be complied with so they'll feel special or whatever. News flash: Not Special, Just Spoiled.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:46 (twenty-one years ago)

If I waited to be officially dumped before realising that a LDR that hadn't contacted me in a while was over, I'd still be going out with some bassist in Texas. I don't think so.

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:46 (twenty-one years ago)

What if they have not albums but $600 of yours?

And how do you even discuss a break up with someone you can't call?

I don't think I actually realized how hilarious this is on an objective level until I said it. And began drinking heavily.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:47 (twenty-one years ago)

how old is this other person?

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe Laura's dating Karl Rove, we don't know.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:48 (twenty-one years ago)

What if they have not albums but $600 of yours?
And how do you even discuss a break up with someone you can't call?

send the bayliffs

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:48 (twenty-one years ago)

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:49 (twenty-one years ago)

You gave him *money*? Do you people not watch Watchdog?

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:49 (twenty-one years ago)

he sounds awfully immature.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:50 (twenty-one years ago)

something similar happened to me once and it really ate out my heart.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Write him a letter dumping his ass and threatening to send the bailiffs round if he doesn't send you a cheque in 30 days.

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Talk about stress: I moved to a country on the other side of the world where I didn't speak the language or know a single goddamn person, leaving the same tiny town and state I had lived in for my entire life for the first time.

That was in fact stressful. Yet I continue to conduct phone conversations with ease.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

To be fair, I am pretty sure he will return the money.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:52 (twenty-one years ago)

He's international. Send the Justice League.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:52 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.ezthemes.com/previews/3/330.jpg

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

The money, while important, is a side-issue with regard to the relationship. But it does give you a pretty big practical reason for calling him (presuming he has the money/is expected to give it back at some point in the near future).

How long are you going to be on different continents for? And are there many opportunities for you to see each other during that time? It strikes me that he's having huge problems with suddenly being in an LDR, in which case he should really be mature enough to end it.

(I accept I don't *really* know what I'm talking about here)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

This sounds crap Laura. If the other person had said 'I need some thinking time/space so maybe we shouldn't call each other for a couple of weeks' that would be one thing. But the 'forbidding' is a bad sign and the reason an even worse one...

OTOH, you maybe don't have enough information to just end it yourself, when presumably is not what you want?

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I agree with Archel, and when you do talk do you arrange times to call and he's either never there or too busy to talk for long? That's always soulcrushing.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm sorry for being flippant on this thread, this kind of behaviour does actually make me very angry, I've been on the receiving end of it a couple of times - once with a boy who considered Oxford-London a LDR. It sucks, and it's painful to have to be the one to say "OK, what is going on here?" but sometimes if that's a question that you have to raise, then that is a sign that the relationship has something very wrong with it. Either that the relationship is, in fact, over, but the other person doesn't actually have the passive aggressive guts to tell you, or that you're dating someone who isn't actually mature enough to be in a relationship to start with.

Sorry, that's about as non-flippant as I can get. My last relationship, after he threw me out of our flat because of his "stress"... he dumped me because I got angry at him for not calling me for three days. So what do I know?

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 12:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Ha ha! I am so terrible at relationships that I dub thee an expert in comparison, Matt DC! I'll probably be here till Spring at least.

It's a tough thing to admit when you love someone, but it's not really want I want unless it does an enormous 180 immediately. And one thing I've figured out despite my incompetence in relationships is that if you need to qualify your desire to be with someone with an excessive long list of drastic changes, it probably isn't working.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I have zero tolerance for passive-aggressive behaviour like this, so really I want to shout DUMP HIM before he can fuck you around any more. But obviously it doesn't look that easy from your point of view, if you love him.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:02 (twenty-one years ago)

archel just said what i wanted to say

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

No, jocelyn, we don't arrange times to call. He calls when he feels like it, which = never.

Although it is still an improvement over my last relationship, where my ex-boyfriend used to throw me out of my own apartment because of "STRESS" so that (unbeknownst to me) he could fuck other women.

WHEEE!!! Are we learning yet?

Yeah, you're all right. But I don't know why I still feel like I need "permission" from him to say that this is all total bullshit and it has to end.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

If two people don't speak to each other, it's hard to see in what way they have a relationship. Or at least, if communication is possible or attempted but ignored. But Archel OTM, it's very easy to say 'dump him' when you have no emotional investment.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Did you do something bad that made him forbid you speaking? Cos if you didn't, then DUMP HIS ASS, seriously.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I moved to Japan, with his total supposed support. Oops.

But I think you are correct, sir.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

This is very upsetting!

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I KNOW. I AM NOT A FAN OF IT.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

sorry, about that, laura e.

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I am reading a REALLY good book (and normally I spit on all forms of self-help books) called Difficult Conversations. A lot of it is about taking out the artificially imposed power relationships that 'forbid' us from saying what we need to. It sounds like he has passive-aggressively put you in a position of less power than him in the relationship, so you feel in some way like you can't challenge him.

If the relationship matters to him then he will agree to talk about it with you whatever 'stress' he is experiencing. If you don't want to dump him outright, then at least make him TALK to you so you can both see what the real problem is.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

If you feel as if you are making all the effort in the relationship, then I don't think it's worth it. You deserve better, someone who can give just as much back and be supportive while you are living in a very different and difficult situation.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't hold with this chorus of 'DUMP HIM!' from people who are unfamiliar with the relationship. Whats wrong with a letter/phonecall saying "look, this clearly isn't working while I'm in Japan. Can we take a break and see where we stand when I get back?"

If he's still being a jackass when you get home, at least you know you haven't wasted however many months waiting around for him to get his act together.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

That is actually a pretty brilliant idea, Matt DC.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Though there are people on ILX who are very familiar with the relationship, who are welcome to make their opinion heard should they have one.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Also any Big Conversation is not one you can easily have over the phone on different continents. Its probably better to wait until such time as you can have it face-to-face as it'll only upset people more than it will anyway.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Reading all this, I kind of think this guy's a coward for not talking to you and being kind of a bully in this way. If you do decide to dump him, let him know exactly why you think he sucks.

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Laura, if it makes you feel *any* better he's in very very very irregular contact with me.

Last I talked to him he was expressing disgust at the situation he found himself in. I think it might be tough for him sometimes to deal with all the stuff you've accomplished. It is a high standard to live up to.

XPOST

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

on a lighter note, I still haven't broken up with my girlfriend from 6th grade!

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

He clearly needs to talk about that WITH LAURA then and not just break contact. I know it's hard on the phone, as Matt says, but I don't agree that it shouldn't be done.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

That would make him boyfriend #3 who has (de facto) broken up with me because I am too smart/accomplished/good.

I AM NOT THAT AWESOME, BOYS OF THE WORLD. PLEASE CONTINUE TO DATE ME.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:22 (twenty-one years ago)

(Taking out insecurities on your s.o. =DUD.)

I like Matt's idea too. It might give you the chance to think of things on your own terms.

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:23 (twenty-one years ago)

(Taking out insecurities on your s.o. =DUD.)

I like Matt's idea too. It might give you the chance to think of things on your own terms.
(xposts)

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Laura, don't call him drunk btw

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread sucks because a bunch of random strangers are slagging on a good chum of Ian and I. :(

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

needs to be more "i'm so stressed that i have to call her," less "can't talk, too stressed!" i mean seriously

matt DC talks sense

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"chum" = shark bait

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

he's insecure about being called a drunk too?

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Best advice ever, Jon. If the Asahis continue I might start making international phone calls to random people in my phonebook, though.

And I would like to note that Jon is right, he might be making some mistakes (and I might be drunk) but he really is a good guy in general.

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

if he's your chum maybe you should help him in sorting out his relationship

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

He's a tough guy to get a hold of. No celly, I have no idea of his schedule, etc. I manage a call every now and then. He is not someone who enjoys talking about this kind of stuff a lot

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:30 (twenty-one years ago)

I was unceremoniously dumped by the "not gonna call you or otherwise communicate with you in any manor" method recently. I figured it out quick enough but gave it 2 weeks before I actively searched out some rebound fun-time.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Um, I don't think I can fairly comment on this.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

That would make him boyfriend #3 who has (de facto) broken up with me because I am too smart/accomplished/good.

Well if you will hang out with noise dudes...

― I don't really mean that but some jokes are just too easy (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

hiya, he's not a noize dude. (And Laura, I talked to him two weeks ago, axully, or whenever teh Emmys were)

― Remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Shti i forget jer posts here too

ME SO TIRED

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude, there were Emmys?

I'm so out of the loop!

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Emmys were right at my school. I called him when I was stuck in the garage by psycho-cyborg security force protecting the event.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Jeremy, if you are ever a very famous director (which i truly believe is possible/likely), can I someday be your date to a glamorous Hollywood event and make comments sotto voce comments about stupid celebrities with you?

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm with Matt as well - if you take his advice, you'll be reclaiming the situation and dealing with it on your own terms. At the moment, you have no control over things, which I'm sure is making you feel worse.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry, Laura, I already asked for that role.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 14 October 2004 13:57 (twenty-one years ago)

But I am cuter in a cocktail dress!!

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

That sounds like a gauntlet being thrown down...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I'd much rather see Ned in a coctail dress, actually... Especially if he wears his hair up! K-rowr!

― Danger Whore (kate), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

i suggest a cute-off

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

BRING IT

― Laura E (laurae55), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Clearly only a direct comparison will succeed in determining an answer.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I'd much rather see Ned in a coctail dress, actually

sean carruther to thread

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 14 October 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

okay, first thing's first: Laura is hotter than Ned REGARDLESS of what is beign worn.

Secondly: Last I talked to Laura's s/o was last weekend when I was home. He was really tired from work and school. We basically managed to avoid talking about your relationship, but he did say that he was upset that you always called him when you were drunk, so jon is OTM on that point, at least.

Also, I think long distance relationships are teh suq. I tried it last fall and it wasn't NEARLY the distance we're talking about with you, Laura. Shit is not good. It just makes people crabby and sad and unhappy. I think taking some sort of break, officially, is a good idea--that will give you time to enjoy Japan (more), and maybe have a clearer head about things by the time you get home.

― Helios Creed (orion), Friday, 15 October 2004 16:16 (twenty-one years ago)

okay, first thing's first: Laura is hotter than Ned REGARDLESS of what is beign worn.

Ya bigot!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 15 October 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

dude, whatever, laura is hot. you are an old dude.

― Helios Creed (orion), Friday, 15 October 2004 16:27 (twenty-one years ago)

*cries in recognition of this ineluctable fact*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 15 October 2004 16:28 (twenty-one years ago)

It's really hard not to call people drunk on a 14 hour time difference!

Besides, that's when I care least about the enormous phone bill I'm accumulating.

― Laura E (laurae55), Friday, 15 October 2004 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh wow! Now we've spoken and it's officially over. All that remains is to get so drunk that I can't remember my own name. Project in process HUZZAH!!@!

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 24 October 2004 17:41 (twenty-one years ago)

good luck, laura.

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 24 October 2004 17:51 (twenty-one years ago)

kochira e

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 24 October 2004 17:55 (twenty-one years ago)

don't forget to get the $.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Sunday, 24 October 2004 17:56 (twenty-one years ago)

What's $600 when you've got a broken heart.

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:02 (twenty-one years ago)

― Remy (x Jeremy), Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:04 (twenty-one years ago)

>What's $600

... or an iPod accidently left on another continent? I've had almost *exactly* the same experience as you just did, Laura, except with the roles reversed. Terrible, isn't it?

― bonaldi, Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes.

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:19 (twenty-one years ago)

... in the last week, I meant to say. Not just being a random me-too ;)

― bonaldi, Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:52 (twenty-one years ago)

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