A dilemma

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(This has nothing to do with how mean everybody on ILX is to me.)

The only question I really need to ask: How do I get two adults to tell the truth about something that they would probably never admit to?
If you need a better explanation...say so.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Another bizarre quadry for Nowell. Are you sure it's the truth you're after, Nowell, or just an answer that appeals to you?

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:46 (twenty-one years ago)

HEY NOWELL WHY DO AARONHZ AND ALEX IN NYC POP UP ON YOUR THREADS IMMEDIATELY WHY IS THAT

― experimental grandma (deangulberry), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Truth serum ... magic beans ... Biblical parables to induce guilt.

No, really, more info would help.

― Majooba, Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:47 (twenty-one years ago)

It's definitely the truth I'm looking for.

The two adults happen to be my parents.

And, experimental grandma...I don't know.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Nowell, is your life this complicated or do you just have a complicated worldview?

Read more. Smart men and women have gone through these things before and they have documented their experiences for you.

― adam. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:50 (twenty-one years ago)

'Scuse me?

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

you have to understand, nowell, those were different times.. they *didn't know* about the dangers... it wasn't like today...

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

ihttp://www.harperacademic.com/coverimages/large/0876854439.jpg

― adam. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:52 (twenty-one years ago)

NOWELL THIS IS YOUR GRANDMA. THE EXPERIMENTAL ONE, NOT THE OTHER ONE. LEAVE YOUR PARENTS ALONE. ONE OF THEM IS MY KID AND IF YOU MESS WITH HIM/HER I WILL CUT YOU

― experimental grandma (deangulberry), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:52 (twenty-one years ago)

it sounds like you know the truth, nowell.

your life will be better if you let your parents love you the best the way that they can, which they're doing.

― dan (dan), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Have I missed a huge chunk in the 'ilx storyline' lately?

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:52 (twenty-one years ago)

they knew the time would come when they'd have to tell you about your "sister"...

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Ask them to be honest, Nowell? People respond truthfully more often than you might think.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:53 (twenty-one years ago)

HEY NOWELL WHY DO AARONHZ AND ALEX IN NYC POP UP ON YOUR THREADS IMMEDIATELY WHY IS THAT

I am the Yin to Aaron's Yang. We are opposing magnets. The good and evil spirits that appear on either side of Nowell's shoulder. I'll let you decide which of us is which.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:53 (twenty-one years ago)

i doesn't mean they love you any less... in fact, when you think about the trouble they had to take to get you, they really love you *more*!

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, I think one of my parents is lying about something. And I'll probably never, ever know the truth. By the way, they do not like each other and are divorced.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:54 (twenty-one years ago)

It does depend very much on what sort of thing it is - and on your relationship with them. I can't offer anything on what we have now. (Obviously that may be true if I knew everything, of course.)

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:54 (twenty-one years ago)

so what does it matter if your real birthday's in august? it's all symbolic, really, isn't it? you don't know how it looked at the same, they *had* to do what they did...

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Frankly, if somebody's not going to share the truth on a subject - any subject - it's generally wiser to accept their lie/dishonesty and instead figure out the motivation behind the mistruth instead of the actual mistruth.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:56 (twenty-one years ago)

How important is it for you to find out the truth?

er, what Remy said.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:57 (twenty-one years ago)

you have to understand, your mother and father were going through a difficult time... they had *lots* of problems.. don't blame it on her, she just happened to be there at the time when your father felt most alone...

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, my dad claims he never did what my mom said he did...And I just recently started talking to my dad (I haven't seen him since I was a baby)... And I was taught that he was a bad person. Recently he admitted that he did do some bad things when him and my mom were together...but NOT what she said he did. I don't know who to believe.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

try this, Nowell.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 21 October 2004 21:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe it's better to accept the paradox of their differing posts. And try to remember that your father's qualities as a husband have nothing to do with his qualities as a father.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

dipsy didn't really go to the tortoise farm...

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

"posts"? Argh, ILX is destroying my mind.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I guess I just need to accept the fact that they'll never reconcile.
:::Sigh..::

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Neither. They have agendas. You have to decide whether or not to have a relationship with your Dad depsite whatever happened between your parents. The relationship of being someone's child is not necessarily a subset of the original couple.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

What the hell is an "experimental grandma"??? Is this a lesbian thing? I'm totally lost.

― Majooba, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Shit, Kevin said it better.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

(sorry, i'm procrastinating again, i'm finished now.)
(i suppose i ask for honesty from ilx sometimes, and since i don't really have an opinion about your "authenticity" or lack thereof or whatever, i should give you the benefit of the doubt and not hijack your possibly heartfelt plea in an attempt to garner cheap laughs)

― m. (mitchlnw), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I guess I just need to accept the fact that they'll never reconcile.
:::Sigh..::
-- Nowell (noelcollin...) (webmail), October 21st, 2004 4:01 PM. (Nowell) (link)

::::sigh:::::
I've never pretended to be ANYONE other than myself. I briefly posted under the name Motel Hell, but beyond that i have nothing to do with either Nowell nor Aja. I'm sure Ned and/or Sean Carruthers could probably tell you a way to verify that their posts are very much their own -- if you care that much. But trust me, it ain't me.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...) (webmail), October 21st, 2004 1:15 PM. (vassifer) (link)

PROOF! THEY BOTH SIGH THE SAME WAY

― experimental grandma (deangulberry), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

She capitalized.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I love both my parents. (I used to hate my dad, but now that I've communicated with him, I like him to some degree. He's very, very intelligent.) But, in an e-mail, my dad mentioned something about me going to live with him. That creeped me out. I questioned him about it. I'm still waiting for his response.

And by the way, I deliberately sighed that way cuz I saw Alex do it. And I do what Alex does!

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:04 (twenty-one years ago)

This is gonna hurt you more than it's gonna hurt THEM. Thus spake your wise old experimental uncle.

― Experimental Uncle Albert, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Including worshipping Killing Joke beyond all human reason?

xpost

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:05 (twenty-one years ago)

I was joking.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:05 (twenty-one years ago)

She capitalized.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...) (webmail), October 21st, 2004 4:03 PM. (vassifer) (link)

YOU'RE QUICK TO POINT OUT THE DIFFERENCES ... WHY? BECAUSE YOU MADE THEM SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SO THAT YOU WOULD HAVE AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE YOU DEVIL YOU

― experimental grandma (deangulberry), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever!

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

COME HERE, BOY! I's YER PA!

YOUSE A-GONNA LIVE WITH ME NOW! Y'HEAR?

http://www.news-at-ten.tv/articles/images/redneck.jpg

― Yer PA!, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Eat a big bag of runny, tepid excrement.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

X post

Sometimes I wish my dad were like that...

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, come now, Alex. Aren't you needed a thread on the internet somewhere to defend Killing Joke and/or to type out "Honor the Fire"?

― Experimental Pa, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Sometimes I wish my dad were like that... Like a bag of runny, tepid effluent?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Gargle with your own urine.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:18 (twenty-one years ago)

No. I wish he were a loser. So then I wouldn't have to care or wonder about him!

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I think what Experimental PA is trying to say is "Don't waste your time on this little girl." Which is okay.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Me ot him or both of us?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:20 (twenty-one years ago)

No, to Alex.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:21 (twenty-one years ago)

No time to gargle ... too busy honoring the fire. You know how that is. It's a full time job.

― Experimental Pa, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Gotta go. See ya later.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Felch yourself, Experimental Pa.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Nowell, I was trying to figure out who Alex in NYC was adressing with his non-standard oral hygiene recommendation.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, it wasn't me.

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Clearly.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, it wasn't me.

Well, it just so happens that it wasn't, but it very well might have been.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Why?

― Nowell (Nowell), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Seriously, Nowell. I've been estranged from my father since 1987. I was 18 then, and my parents had been divorced for 13 years already.

I hardly saw him growing up, and also heard a lot of negative things about him from my mother all the while.

Later I found out that a lot fo these things were not quite true, although to this day I do believe that my mother acxtually BELIEVES them to be true.

So what is my point? Sounds liek both of your parents have his/her own side of the story, and each respective story is the one he/she believes.

You are inadvertently caught in the middle, which sucks, to be sure.

Having been through this myself, I really don't believe there is any solution. All you can relaly do is:

a) Understand that it's something between THEM.

b) Declare your neutrality (if either of them is attempting to use you as a pawn).

c) Try and maintain an understanding, level headed approach.

I know it's not easy, but, believe me, there is nothing you can do to change their minds.

It does get easier in time.

Not an ideal answer, but a realistic onme from my own experience.

P.S. -- Damn, Alex, I was just folliong with you. Didn't know you'd be so touchy about it! Truce, ok?

― Experimental Pa, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:29 (twenty-one years ago)

I broke off all contact with my father a little over a year and a half ago. As far as I'm concerned, we'll never speak again.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:30 (twenty-one years ago)

excuse the typos. trying to type faster than my abilities allow.

― Experimental Pa, Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:31 (twenty-one years ago)

HEY NOWELL WHY DO AARONHZ AND ALEX IN NYC POP UP ON YOUR THREADS IMMEDIATELY WHY IS THAT
ROFFLE. I assure you at least I am not Nowell

I am the Yin to Aaron's Yang.
Alex is the passive female principle?

― A Million Talking Hot Dogs (AaronHz), Thursday, 21 October 2004 22:44 (twenty-one years ago)

If Alex is Nowell, he is logging out and in again with completely different IPs for each post as the two identities. This seems unlikely.

Nowell, I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but the comments that his qualities as a husband are not related to his qualities as a father bothers me a bit. If the bad things he did were abusive to your mother, I'd like to mention that studies have shown that about 80% of men who are abusive to their partners are also abusive to their children. Obviously I am talking in ignorance here - the bad things may not be of that kind, you have two versions, neither of which may be entirely accurate, and 80% isn't 100%, but I guess I am saying that you should probably consider the possibility that your mother is telling the truth, and that whatever that behaviour was, if it was directed at you would you want to live with him?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 22 October 2004 10:35 (twenty-one years ago)

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