Problem with a close friend

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I have a close friend at work of the opposite sex. We're both attached to others, and nothing too weird is ever going to happen, but we've developed a strange kind of intimate relationship.

Circumstances at work are about to change, to the extent that we won't be able to see as much of each other. I'm also thinking of moving on to pastures new.

When I shared this with my friend, they went a bit quiet and later came back to me with the unexpected response that, as it would soon be difficult to see each other both inside and outside of work, perhaps we should just bring things to a close and go our separate ways. This upset me.

How can I convince them that we should try to hold on to our friendship, even if it will require a bit more effort on both sides?

― Pawn to King Six, Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:05 (twenty-one years ago)

see of course, now i'm trying to work out who this is, cos i reckon there are only about 6 people on ILE at the moment...

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:08 (twenty-one years ago)

sorry, that's not very helpful is it?

do you see much of them outside work now? if not, in my experience, it's difficult to keep in touch with anyone you have worked with, once you no longer have the shared work thing.

maybe i'm just crap at keeping in touch with people though...

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:11 (twenty-one years ago)

it's not me

i sometimes think most people are bad at keeping in touch. This probably isn't true, but I know I am. This is an odd situation you're in, it seems a strangely formal idea to break up a friendship.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:14 (twenty-one years ago)

She wants you and is frustrated, maybe

― Andrew Blood Thames (Andrew Thames), Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:21 (twenty-one years ago)

It's possible.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:24 (twenty-one years ago)

it's not me. as the supergass song goes.

― piscesboy, Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I pashed my boss so I quit. This was a long time ago. I'm over it now.

― Captain Obvious, Saturday, 23 October 2004 12:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I realise that it's difficult to keep in touch with an ex-colleague, but I'm certain that it'll be worth it for both of us in this case.

We lunch together every so often, and have seen each other outside work a few times. It's hard to do more when there's so much else going on - but not impossible, surely? How can I convince them to give it a try?

― Pawn, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

It's not me, but if I were posting anonymously, I'd make sure it was at a time I wasn't around elsewhere on ILE, to avoid this kind of thing.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

you could be bluffing

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I could be, yes.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

there are no people of the opposite sex in my workplace.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Basically, I'm not surprised they've reacted this way. "Strange kind of intimate" relationships between attached, heterosexual people of the opposite sex are very cool and all, but tend to be dangerous, and I expect you both know that. It sounds like your friend has taken the opportunity of a change in circumstances to call a halt to it.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't have a job.

― RJG (RJG), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't have a girfriend or boyfriend.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I have no close friends. and no problems either.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I never start threads on Saturdays.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:23 (twenty-one years ago)

No, it's unseemly.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I never start threads at all.

― battlin' green eyeshades (Homosexual II), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe all the anonymous threads are all started by one, anonymous, poster.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

(with a lot of problems)

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:27 (twenty-one years ago)

this poster strikes me as having a lot of problems today.

― battlin' green eyeshades (Homosexual II), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:29 (twenty-one years ago)

A bitch is one.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

hit him.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Alba - you may be right about the danger - but surely it doesn't have to be that way? I still believe that this situation can be salvaged. It's worth the weirdness, for me at least.

― Pawn, Sunday, 24 October 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Why don't you just sit them down and list the ways in which you bring something to each other's lives?

― Sid, Monday, 25 October 2004 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

(haha, alba and ronan were my two first choices of who it was, then i realised that, to my knowledge, neither of them was attached)

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Monday, 25 October 2004 08:07 (twenty-one years ago)

hit him.

I never cease to admire the way ILx posters continue to set a moral standard by behaving as rudely and abusively as would-be trolls.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 25 October 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

It's a lyric, Marcello. Get a life.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 25 October 2004 08:50 (twenty-one years ago)

As I said: I never cease to admire the way ILx posters continue to set a moral standard by behaving as rudely and abusively as would-be trolls.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 25 October 2004 08:55 (twenty-one years ago)

*yawn*

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 25 October 2004 08:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Nobody's keeping you here, Liz. You can walk away any time you like.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 25 October 2004 09:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Why don't you try something less boring instead? Turn off the TV etc.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Why don't you try something less boring than reading or posting to this thread?

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 25 October 2004 09:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I was enjoying the thread. You obviously weren't. Who should go somewhere else?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:04 (twenty-one years ago)

it's not me because I'm single as well. though the two married ladies I work with are hot...

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:06 (twenty-one years ago)

You're showing immense evidence of enjoying this thread, Liz. Bye.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 25 October 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www-106.ibm.com/developerworks/library/l-posix2/mutex.gif

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

What is involved in this strange kind of intimate relationship?

― Meh, Monday, 25 October 2004 09:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i don't want to be pessimistic, but if your friend has told you that they don't want to continue the relationship then a lot of thought has probably already gone into the decision. it's not the kind of thing that someone would blurt out without consideration, and while it's not what you want to hear i would assume that their mind is pretty much made up.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Perhaps Lauren, but people do not always say exactly what they mean. Pawn, why don't you try and call their bluff and see what happens!

― erictenet, Monday, 25 October 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

(haha, alba and ronan were my two first choices of who it was, then i realised that, to my knowledge, neither of them was attached)

You mean with me as the questioner and ronan as the close friend??

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 25 October 2004 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Going back to this.. maybe your friend is trying to either cut their losses while they can, and is doing this as some sort of defence thing? You know, you're leaving, and abandoning your friend, or at least that's how it feels. This might either be an attempt to shrug and say "I never liked you anyway", or "how much do you like me to try and save this?".

Reassure your friend you'll still be around, and suggest that you'll probably need their support etc. more than ever when you move on, because it will all be new and it would be good to have a friend to support you. Even suggest you meet up on a regular day or something for a coffee/ drink or cinema.

― Cherry Aide (cherryaid), Monday, 25 October 2004 14:44 (twenty-one years ago)

you are right alba, my logic construction is flawed in that sentence, should be alba OR ronang obv.

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Monday, 25 October 2004 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

yowze, scarily close to something in my life.
In short: I was attracted to my friend a lot, she just wanted to be friends (but like really really good friends as we've known each other for some time), recently been thinking about our relationship a lot and how much it's doing my head in and have basically just decided to call the whole thing off.

I believe I have done the right thing for both of us as I now don't have to pretend i don't fancy her.

This was 4 months ago and I still can't stop thinking about the whole bloomin thing.

So in answer to the question I'd say your friend may still be in two minds on the situation, probably frustrated and also sad that she/he has to make the decision. I do believe that they have indeed put some thought into the matter though, unfortunately.
It might be futile to try and talk her/him out of it but I think you should try if you feel strongly enough about it.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:01 (twenty-one years ago)

haha Marcello my "hit him" was in response to N's 21 Questions style comment.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:05 (twenty-one years ago)

wait not 21 questions, whatever the Jay-Z one was.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:05 (twenty-one years ago)

the 12 days of Christmas

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:05 (twenty-one years ago)

99 coins in a fountain

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:06 (twenty-one years ago)

3 bottles of beer on the wall

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:06 (twenty-one years ago)

99 red balloons ... floating in the summer sky

― sometimes i like to pretend i am very small and warm (ex machina), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Pop me.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

*prick*

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:12 (twenty-one years ago)

too many possible posts to choose just one

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Alba, Lauren, Cherry, Eric, Ste - thanks to you all.

For the record, I don't think my friend has made their mind up on the subject just yet. I'm resolved to talk it through with them anyway - sometimes you've just got to find out, regardless of the consequences.

'True' friendships are just too important to give up on for such bullshit reasons. Wish I could work out just what to say to my friend to get this point across...

― Pawn, Monday, 25 October 2004 18:15 (twenty-one years ago)

How about something like you've just written?

― erictenet, Monday, 25 October 2004 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

give her a paints set with a note saying "never give up."

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Monday, 25 October 2004 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

'True' friendships are just too important to give up on for such bullshit reasons.

Ach, now I feel shitty :(

― Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 25 October 2004 20:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry Ste. I was only thinking of my situation there. I'm sure your reasons were better than my friend's.

Bad day today BTW. Couldn't find the words to express any of this, so I was probably seen as sulking...

― Pawn, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

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