handism

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

why is using non-hand forms of masturbation "creepy"?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:14 (twenty years ago)

Is this about Tracer Hand?

― adam... (nordicskilla), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:23 (twenty years ago)

I find it creepy because I am frightened of disembodied body parts, and even more freeeeked by disembodied body parts that are brilliantly colored, so really there's not much option for me.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:24 (twenty years ago)

well i wasn't referring to pocket pussies necessarily. what about people who fuck pillows?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:30 (twenty years ago)

or use cucumbers?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:30 (twenty years ago)

that was unnecessary, sorry.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:31 (twenty years ago)

or mayonaisse jars. does mayonaisse have a socio-political implication?

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:31 (twenty years ago)

yes, it means you are so deadened by capitalistic consumerism that the products you grew up on are more real then women (or men).

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:32 (twenty years ago)

Well I do not like the idea of masturbating into pillows, mayonaisse or using cucumbers either. I wouldn't go so far to call such people creepy (though really I kind of find mayo creepy) or rapists but it's just not for me, personally.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:32 (twenty years ago)

I remember an ethics question that said "A man decides to have sex with a raw chicken before he cooks it. Is this morally wrong?" I said YES! as long as he doesn't serve it to other people. Or if he does, he should say, "hey, I had sex with this chicken before I cooked it. Do you guys still want some?" (this wasn't for a class, it was from the internet...obviously)

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:35 (twenty years ago)

"A man decides to have sex with a raw chicken before he cooks it. Is this morally wrong?"

Yes, it is wrong. I don't know why though.

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:40 (twenty years ago)

how about barbecue sauce?

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:41 (twenty years ago)

Color me pedantic, but even if you're going to make sweet, sweet love to a jar of mayonaisse, you're still going to need your hands to get the job done, no?

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:41 (twenty years ago)

well yeah but thats still not the "classic" way of doing it...

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:45 (twenty years ago)

I really don't imagine mayonaisse would work, would it?

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:58 (twenty years ago)

This totally should have been a tracer hand thread.

― Leon the Fratboy (Ex Leon), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:58 (twenty years ago)

(not because of the mayonnaise though)

― Leon the Fratboy (Ex Leon), Friday, 12 November 2004 03:58 (twenty years ago)

I imagine if you took, say, a largish sponge and smothered it with mayonnaise, and then rolled it up and stuffed it into a mayonnaise jar it would probably suffice as a masturbatory tool.

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:18 (twenty years ago)

Seems like a lot of work. And a waste of mayonnaise.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago)

I'm just hypothesizing.

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:23 (twenty years ago)

yeah that's an awful lot of effort to make your dick smell like a freaking salad.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:24 (twenty years ago)

Don't hate me because I'm creative.

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:24 (twenty years ago)

(I don't think I've ever owned a jar of mayonnaise, let alone used one while masturbating.)

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:25 (twenty years ago)

Fucking a raw chicken may be wronger than Wrongtown but I dunno if it is *morally* wrong.

Leolo to thread.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:26 (twenty years ago)

Well I don't think I agree with fucking dead things or animals since they cannot consent, and that gets both of them, so I think that's kind of wrong on some moral level but OTOH it could be worse.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:47 (twenty years ago)

People will fuck fucking anything. I am no longer surprised. People eat chickens and don't think it's morally wrong, so I don't see how fucking a raw chicken can be morally wrong either. Oh, it's gross though. I don't even like putting my hand inside a raw chicken to, like, put spices/garlic in it. (I am so glad to be a girl right now, without even the ability to fuck a chicken. hurrah!)

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:50 (twenty years ago)

It's not morally wrong in the slightest, as dead chickens are inanimate objects, and chickens are incapable of having a desire for their bodies to be respected after their death. It is incredibly messed up, though.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:53 (twenty years ago)

But don't you think that we as human beings with the capabilities to respect death should understand that that is so gross and wrong?

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:54 (twenty years ago)

HAHAHAHAHA

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:57 (twenty years ago)

I think a bigger question might be: why isn't your hand good enough? Perhaps you should work on technique? Perhaps your desire to ejaculate in inanimate objects is a thinly shrouded cry for help?

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:57 (twenty years ago)

It's gross, maybe, but that's more to do with our ideas of sex than death. I don't think we do, and I don't think we should necessarily respect death in animals. Our respect for death has more to do with ideas about the soul, and respecting the wishes of those who died, as well as not offending their family.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:58 (twenty years ago)

it's necrophilia whether it's a chicken or a person.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 04:59 (twenty years ago)

You should really go ahead and watch Chicken Run, you'll find it enlightening for this discussion.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:00 (twenty years ago)

I mean it's necrophilia AND bestiality if its a chicken. Way to kill two birds with one stone. Or chickens. You can have a threesome.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:00 (twenty years ago)

Alex, sometimes you just wanna penetrate something, just as women sometimes get a desire to be filled.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:02 (twenty years ago)

So if one of these 'fleshlights' I've been hearing so much about is made from animal products, like gelatin, it's necrophilia? It is necrophilia if it's the idea of death that turns you on while in contact with the chicken, but otherwise it's just perverse. And you can't just say, it's necrophilia - necrophilia is wrong for the readons I gave above, none of which is relevant to chickens. (I can't believe I'm arguing this...)

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:02 (twenty years ago)

Alex, sometimes you just wanna penetrate something, just as women sometimes get a desire to be filled.

Fine, but go to your sock drawer to appease this urge, not a chicken coop and nor your grocer's freezer.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:04 (twenty years ago)

Kevin I was making a joke.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:05 (twenty years ago)

what about McDonald's, can you go there?

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:05 (twenty years ago)

What about the bacteria? A penis isn't exactly hermetically sealed!

Um, I wish to register my profound disturbance at having been the first thing that came to some people's minds on a thread about masturbating into a raw chicken.

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:06 (twenty years ago)

Kevin I was making a joke.

I know, I just miss moral philosophy a lot.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:07 (twenty years ago)

According to Jim Carroll's spoken word album, Praying Mantis, veal fillets better replicate the sensations of vaginal penetration than raw poultry. Just fyi.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:08 (twenty years ago)

But veal is immoral!

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:08 (twenty years ago)

This thread is about nothing at all.

Also, I'm hungry.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:09 (twenty years ago)

ALOHA

― THE AMAZING HANDY (gabbneb), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:10 (twenty years ago)

This thread is hilarious. I was going to argue a point but got caught up in the phrase "chicken fucking", so I just let myself laugh for a while instead.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:14 (twenty years ago)

you should see that south park episode.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:19 (twenty years ago)

But veal is immoral!
-- Kevin Gilchrist (KevinGil14...), November 12th, 2004.

only if you care about cows

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:24 (twenty years ago)

but if by "immoral" you mean "delicious", then yes it is quite immoral.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:25 (twenty years ago)

used veal fuck-fillets with someone's sperm though, that's just nasty.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:28 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 15 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

hahahaha wtf hahahaha ew ahahahaha

― oops (Oops), Friday, 12 November 2004 05:51 (twenty years ago)

omg!

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 12 November 2004 07:11 (twenty years ago)

i imagined non-handism would have involved feet, and yoga

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 12 November 2004 07:12 (twenty years ago)

can anybody here 'think'-off? I did this once when I was 17, and haven't tried since.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Friday, 12 November 2004 07:15 (twenty years ago)

i've done that maybe once.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 07:50 (twenty years ago)

never

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 07:51 (twenty years ago)

Once.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 08:23 (twenty years ago)

It's kind of a 17-ish trick, you know?

― Casuistry (Chris P), Friday, 12 November 2004 08:29 (twenty years ago)

Hahaha. indeed.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 12 November 2004 08:39 (twenty years ago)

how do you think off? i want to do it in class.

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:03 (twenty years ago)

if you have to ask..

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:06 (twenty years ago)

"A man decides to have sex with a raw chicken before he cooks it. Is this morally wrong?"

It'll be pretty raw after he has sex with it surely.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:14 (twenty years ago)

"A man decides to have sex with a raw chicken before roasting it. Is this morally wrong?"

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:23 (twenty years ago)

are you guys like the david copperfields of masturbating? "think-off"? did you actually blow a load when you did this or did a rabbit come out of the tip of your penis.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:43 (twenty years ago)

i saw david copperfield live once. he didn't make me come, sadly.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:45 (twenty years ago)

but he did transport your penis into a vagina telepathically.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 12 November 2004 12:46 (twenty years ago)

Apparently Jean Cocteau could come without touching himself. He'd do it for people at parties, like a parlor trick. He'd strip naked, lay down on the floor and come spontaneously.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 21:55 (twenty years ago)

I really can't tell if you're making that up or not. Why the hell would you? But why not?

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:00 (twenty years ago)

Good lord. Two days in a row now.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:04 (twenty years ago)

I wonder what he was thinking about.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:04 (twenty years ago)

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/images/m-p/monkeydog.jpg

― oops (Oops), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:09 (twenty years ago)

I'm going to think of that from now on instead of baseball.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:12 (twenty years ago)

I don't know about you, but thinking about baseball doesn't make me giggle uncontrollably.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:13 (twenty years ago)

OK that story was originally told by William Burroughs.
Nobody wants to believe Hunter Thompson's Nabokov in real life motel with nymphette scenarios so I guess they'll question this one too.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:19 (twenty years ago)

Hey don't get me wrong. I like weird old cranks as much as the next guy.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:29 (twenty years ago)

True story: guy I knew, boyfriend of a roomate, would sometimes come in his pants after he took a bong hit. After the first hit he'd get a huge erection (and it really was huge), and after the second he'd kinda lean back and spasm. It was kinda cool, really.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:36 (twenty years ago)

Are you sure he didn't place the end of the bong tube on his cock?

― oops (Oops), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:42 (twenty years ago)

I believe Burroughs said he himself could do it too, and IIRC he describes a "think-off" in a jail cell in Junky.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:50 (twenty years ago)

No offense, dude, but you need to get less of your information from raving lunatic drug addicts.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:52 (twenty years ago)

hahaha, but they tell such fun stories!

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:53 (twenty years ago)

would a chicken's cloaca fit an average sized man's penis?

That's how come you cut the head off!

― Dahlia Chelon (Suzyopath), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:57 (twenty years ago)

Thinking off is very possible, and not that difficult! I almost did it a few weeks ago, just lying on my back meditating. Start by making yourself hyper-aware of the nerve endings in your toes, work your way slowly around your body and end at the groin. Make sure it's absofuckinglutely quiet, and calm, and you'll be off in no-time.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:17 (twenty years ago)

"and you'll be off in no-time."

you make it sound like i'm going to blast into space.

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:19 (twenty years ago)

Haha, well I guess a wet-dream could be said to be 'thinking-off', but I don't think I've ever had one, and frankly, I'm not sure I believe in them. And when I meditate, I don't meditate on my body, so I don't think I could do that, Jer.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:21 (twenty years ago)

You don't believe in wet dreams? My good man, I assure you they are a very real thing!

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:22 (twenty years ago)

can you 'not believe' in wet dreams? i mean i've never had one either (of course) but aren't they supposed to happen to most boys? they sound fun.

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:22 (twenty years ago)

oops

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:23 (twenty years ago)

I think boys make them up because they're supposed to have them. (note, this isn't a real belief, I'm just messing around because I'm bored).

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:26 (twenty years ago)

my mattress pad served like a sponge when I was between 13 and 17!

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:29 (twenty years ago)

My flatmate recently told me a story about a woman who was found dead in her bathroom with a head wound and all sorts of nasty larvae crawling out of her. Turned out she'd been masturbating with a live lobster and it had laid its eggs in there, and the subsequent spawn freaked her out so much she freaked out, fell over and smashed her head on the bath.

I have no idea if this is true or scientifically credible but seriously, can you imagine a less dignified way to go? The moral of this story is NEVER MASTURBATE WITH ANYTHING THAT COULD CAUSE YOU SERIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS DOWN THERE BECAUSE IF YOU DIE SUDDENLY YOUR RELATIVES WILL WRITE YOU OUT OF FAMILY HISTORY AND PRETEND YOU WERE NEVER BORN.

Now back to this yoghurt pot full of maggots...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:29 (twenty years ago)

also: death as a result of autoerotic asphyxiation. how embarassing!

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:31 (twenty years ago)

NOT

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:32 (twenty years ago)

Snopes is an on-line killjoy.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:33 (twenty years ago)

"She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police."

AWE-SUM!

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Yes I was 95% sure that story was bollocks, but the moral still stands ;)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Didn't the guy from INXS die like that? auto-erotic etc. not lobsters.

― Hi, I am a genius. a big one. (AaronHz), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:35 (twenty years ago)

True, this story being false has robbed me of a little pub fun. But on the other hand, LADIES! CARRY ON MASTURBATING WITH LIVE LOBSTERS! IT WON'T KILL YOU! JOY!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:37 (twenty years ago)

The episode of the League of Gentlemen when the guest house guy's wife and all his friends die in a group auto-erotic excercise gone wrong is one of my favourite bits of any sitcom ever. Especially the part when his mistress comes round for dinner and he's hidden the bodies around the front room.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:38 (twenty years ago)

St3ph3n M1ll1gan, the Tory MP died during autoerotic asphyxiation, if I remember correctly.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:42 (twenty years ago)

CRUSTACEAN EXPLODA-PUSSY! That'd be a great superpower.

― Kenan (kenan), Saturday, 13 November 2004 00:42 (twenty years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.