BEWARE THE TRANSPORTER OF MISERY

Picard is struck by chronic depression following a chemical flux during what should have been a routine journey from the studded asteroid belt at Raijilicus 55

I shook Patrick Stewart's hand last night!

Although I was midly disappointed with the handshake, I was under the impression it would be a shake of steel, but it was surprisingly mild.

What was he debating about?

O'Brien: Welcome back, Captain.

Picard: Mr. O'Brien, do you ever feel that there's really no point to it all?

O'Brien: Sorry, sir?

Picard: Do you ever get the feeling like we're all just scurry around the cosmos like brainless little ants?

O'Brien: Well, sometimes I fell like my commanding officer keeps me busy with pointless assignments. I don't feel like I'm valued, sometimes.

Picard: No no no, oh what's the point? There's no way you can possibly understand the depths of my existential malaise. [starts sobbing, exits transporter room].

O'Brien: Stuff this! I'm transferring to DS9, far away from all of this philosophical nonsense!

[later, on bridge]

Riker: Data, have you noticed that the Captain's been acting funny since he got back from Raijilicus 55?

Data: Indeed. Since he returned I have noticed that he spends the majority of his time in his ready room playing Bartok at dangerous volumes. When I asked if he could turn down the volume, as it was starting to affect the performance of the bridge crew, he screamed some lines from one of Shakespeare's tragedies at me, and begged me to leave him in his "pit of despair".

Worf: We must do something, Commander! Counsellor Troi has even picked up on the Captain's mood, and is currently acting even more simpering and weepy than usual! I am starting to lose my patience!

Riker: At ease, Mr. Worf. Data, if there's something down on Raijilicus 55 that's affecting people's moods, we can't afford to send anyone else down there. You're the logical choice to beam down to investigate. Report to the transporter room at once.

Data: Aye aye, sir.

[later, in transporter room]

Data: Ready to transport. Energize.

[cut to bridge]

Riker: Mr. Data, report.

Data [over communicator]: I am on the surface of Raijilicus 55 now, Commander. I cannot see very much but I am sensing a great sadness.

Riker: Stay focused, Mr. Data. Is your tricorder picking up any signs of life?

Data [over communicator]: Life...don't talk to me about life.

{COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Wonderful Sean (xpost-2)

Picard [pointing at data pad]: ...therefore I feel I can no longer go on like this. As the Borg might say, resistance is futile. I now see that it's no longer useful to continue with this pointless existence.

[cut to bridge]

Troi: Oh no, Commander, I feel like something bad is about to happen.

Worf: Something bad WILL happen if you don't stop your incessant bawling and whining!

Riker: Mr. Worf, you're confined to quarters!

Worf [storming off of the bridge]: A Klingon warrior does NOT get confined to quarters. I'm going to Ten Forward to get liquored up, then I'm going to the holodeck!

Riker: Deanna, darling, what's wrong?

Troi: It's...the Captain.

Riker: Geordie, you're with me. [moves towards ready room]

Picard: ...initiate self destruct sequence, authorization Picard 0-0-Destruct-0.

Riker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Computer: Self-destruct sequence activated. T-Minus 10 minutes and counting.

Picard: We're all going to a better place now.

Riker: I thought I needed to second a self-destruct command?

LaForge: Usually that would be the case, Commander, but in this case Braga's law applies: if continuity with previous adventures were followed, this episode would only last 10 minutes and the advertisers would be indignant.

Riker: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

[cut to surface Raijilicus 55]

Data: I'm so depressed. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they have got me running off on "away" missions. What's so "away" about them, I would like to know? Data, go down to the planet because you're the only one who is not a human like us, so you get to go on the insanely dangerous mission. Valued crewmember? More like expendable crewmember, I don't think. I might as well be wearing a red shirt. Data, go on the dangerous mission. Data, lift the heavy wreckage. Data, save our pathetic lives yet again by walking into Engineering while the warp core is overloading. I ought to end it all right here.

[there's a rustling around the corner of a boulder that looks almost identical to one seen the previous week. Props department, please use that styrofoam boulder that was put in Rick's office after last episode, it's starting to piss him off.]

Data: Who is there?

Lore: Data! Mi amigo! Pal! Buddy! Hoopy frood! Am I ever glad to see you!

Data [despondent]: Ohhh nooooo.