Leaving The Paternal Home For A Life Of Sin With Girlfriend.

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After an embarassingly long stretch living at home, I'm about to move into a small flat with my fabulous girlfriend Caitlin.

Now, I've been doing all kids of budgeting and making enquiries regarding the essentials of moving, but to ILX I pose this question - what are the things you learnt in the transition from the family home to your own place?

I aim to learn from your mistakes!

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 12:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Depends on how much your Mum's been picking up after you and how much Caitlin is willing to :)

― king of the eyesores (papa november), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 12:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahah, no, unfortunately my messy, slack ways are tolerated by neither.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 12:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Make sure that your partner *is* paying their share of the bills, so you don't end up with a four-figure debt when you break up, they move out, and you find out that the electricity bill they'd assured you they'd taken care of hasn't been paid for well over a year.

(yes, I learned this one the hard way)

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

in any shared situation, if possible its best to pay the bill yourself, and get the money back off the others, anyway. you know where you are then. get the money off them upfront, if you cant afford it the other way round

― *@*.* (gareth), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

The most important thing I learned was that my [family's] way of doing things, domestically speaking, was NOT the only way. Compromise on the unimportant things or you'll regret it when it comes to the important ones.

Be VERY organised about rent, bills and other financial stuff.

Discuss all purchases, home improvements and general changes with your partner or housemates first.

Pick up after yourself.

Make sure you both have time and/or space to yourselves occasionally.

Introduce yourself to the neighbours.

Don't buy a pet or have a child. Yet.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:03 (twenty-one years ago)

You're going to discover things about her you dislike, and vice versa. You're going to get antsy when things aren't done the way you've always done them, even if her way is just as good or better.

You have to be able to rationalise all these things, understand them. Talk about things that genuinely bother you, as long as you're aware that you're not just being unfair/selfish about it. Be prepared and happy to change *your* habits and make compromises.

Be aware that no matter how great things are, you'll both need your own space from time to time. Bear in mind that you're going to see her when she's mopey or angry or bloody-minded, and don't take it personally.

― Ol' prune face (Mark C), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

My only advice is "don't do it". Which isn't very helpful, is it?

But the making sure that you have time and space to yourself is so urgent and key it hurts. And allow your partner to have the same.

Also, it does require quite a zen paradigm shift to view a space as "our flat" rather than "my flat that she is in". but it is essential to do so.

― The Grain of Sand in Lambeth That Satan Cannot Find (kate), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I would say that you have to remember to make time for each other. Jusr because you live together, doesn't mean you're actually spending quality time together.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

OTM.

(Have you actually lived away from home AT ALL before, or is your first taste of that ALSO your first taste of co-habiting? If so, good luck, it's going be a reeeeaaaalllly steep learning curve.)

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Indeed!

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:10 (twenty-one years ago)

If neither one of you is particularly keen on doing the dishes, make a deal to do them in rounds. Ditto for all the other cleaning activities. It's suprising how many cleaning-related arguments one can have while cohabiting an apartment.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

i've been on my own since i was 17. pay your bills on time

― Big Baby Bingo (Chris V), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

we don't argue about cleaning in my house. We have an agreement....that neither of us will clean anything, it works a treat and the roaches love it.

― king of the eyesores (papa november), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

everything is mutual in our home. we bought clean, me more than her and we both cook. make sure you find sometime for yourself every once in a while.

― Big Baby Bingo (Chris V), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:22 (twenty-one years ago)

**in any shared situation, if possible its best to pay the bill yourself, and get the money back off the others**

Argh - this is the WORST possible thing you could do! Because you end up always chasing your flatmates for the debt, and it makes you feel like a pain, and if any bills go unpaid it's your credit rating that gets shagged even if it's their fault. Speaks the voice of bitter experience...

My advice:
Have a joint account where you each set up a standing order every month to cover all joint bills. That way everything is equal and fair.

Get a dishwasher.

― Mog, Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:30 (twenty-one years ago)

It's amazing, but I only JUST realised that Matt and I have different ideas of ideal washing up etiquette ie. I think the person who didn't cook should wash up, he thinks if you cook you also wash up. For *three years* we've each thought the other wasn't taking their 'turn' and this has caused occasional resentment (although in practice we would have been flexible anyway, which I guess is why it never became clear).

So yeah, um, don't be dumb like me.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:38 (twenty-one years ago)

caitlin sounds like a nice posh name.

im still at home at age 26. i need to get out. i need more money first though.

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:41 (twenty-one years ago)

same here at 24. I've moved out and back a couple of times. money is the problem, as well.

― Every country has their stupid (AaronHz), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

We always cook together. I wash up & he dries up. Things seem to work out better this way.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

oh no, i dont have the bill in my name! i always have it in others names, but then i pay it and get the money back. if people are no good, then you must get the money beforehand (or, before you pay it, but after you've said you have already paid it)

― *@*.* (gareth), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:05 (twenty-one years ago)

It's so much easier to have a joint account & bill all of the bills in both names otherwise one of you could be left liable.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:14 (twenty-one years ago)

It may sound unromantic, but consider writing up and signing a cohabitation agreement that defines bills, responsibilities, etc.

You might save each other some anguish in the future.

― Dale Panopticalis (cprek), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Make sure she understand you need time to play Football Manager 2005.

― Ol' prune face (Mark C), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

prunizzle is OTM there, not forgetting San Andreas

― Porkpie (porkpie), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

i did move out for uni but had to move back when work wasnt paying enough. i need to leave. my parents are getting older and weirder and not giving me enough space that a 26 yr old needs.

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 14:56 (twenty-one years ago)

You mean your mum still interupts your wanks with a cup of tea?

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:00 (twenty-one years ago)

depressingly, thats not far off from the truth at ALL.

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I think the way we have the bills set up now is pretty good. We just sat down and estimated how much each bill was going to be for each month, and then split them up so that we are each responsible for a certain group of bills that add up to roughly the same amount each month. So Sarah pays for the car payment, insurance, and practice space, and I pay for the phone, utilities, computer payment, etc. It's really good because if something doesn't get paid or it gets paid late and has added fees, it's clear whose fault it is (mine) and who should have to deal with the late fees (me). The only disadvantage is that since a lot of the bills are in Sarah's name, if I don't pay them on time, it could potentially effect her credit rating, but this hasn't really been an issue.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Heh heh. 2.57 weeks into cohabiting here. It's very good indeed but I'm trying to bear in mind pretty much all of the Great Prune Face's above-posited situations. I think Rob is slightly stunned by my anal retentiveness with regard to e.g. exactly the correct way to hang laundry up to dry. Financially we're still working stuff out, such as the best way to balance out the fact that I'm the one who generally cooks and therefore is most interested in grocery shopping.

Crumbs, titchy. Can you not find a space with people who don't make you tea or are at least more accommodating of trouser-shuffling?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

joint checking acct. all bills are in both names...except mortgage...my credit sucked too much to be on that. although i am on the deed.

my wife also has her own bank account.

― Big Baby Bingo (Chris V), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, it does require quite a zen paradigm shift to view a space as "our flat" rather than "my flat that she is in". but it is essential to do so.

OTMFM

― results not typical (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

we have our own bank accounts aswell as having a joint account. it's so much easier that way. At least it's been working ever since we moved in together about 2 1/2 years ago!

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:14 (twenty-one years ago)

well my girlfriend asked me to move in with her but weve only been going out a year and im not sure it would be the best thing for us to live together. not just yet anyway. im thinking about it though. but joint accounts? no!

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

We haven't got a joint account. I expect we will, one day, but I'm defintitely having my own acc too. Mentalism not to.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Ah, well we moved in together after 4 months & had a joint account straight away. I don't see the problem if you are both transferring the same amount which covers the bills.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I've been living with the girlfriend for about a year and a half now, and it's going surprisingly well. Neither of us clean quite enough but we're getting better slowly, it's such an important thing. Bills are split down the middle.

The personal space thing is SO U&K. We actually each have our own room, which people (usually people who haven't lived with an SO, I think) think is weird, but it results in us not killing each other. The privacy/quality time balance is constantly being worked out, it's very different from living separately and constantly scheduling time to be together.

(we don't have a joint account, but we're thinking about it)

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, it does require quite a zen paradigm shift to view a space as "our flat" rather than "my flat that she is in". but it is essential to do so.

OTMFM

OTMFM squared.

― Ol' prune face (Mark C), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:06 (twenty-one years ago)

The personal space thing is SO U&K. We actually each have our own room, which people (usually people who haven't lived with an SO, I think) think is weird, but it results in us not killing each other.

I sorta think this is key as well, I've come to realize more clearly over time.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Just don't leave anything to ambiguity - don't be afraid to make your voice heard, otherwise things she does that annoy you will go unchecked and she will have no idea they annoy you.

It's amazing how many people must have had parents pick up after them their entire life. Both my roommates (in their 20s) have the habit of picking something up, walking into the living room to play with it, and when they are done, dropping it right where they are, where it will remain for a long time. They're the kind of people that leave silverware on the floor when they're done eating.

Yet, for some reason, both their own rooms are spotless in an almost compulsive way.

― Adam Bruneau (oliver8bit), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:19 (twenty-one years ago)

It's so much easier to have a joint account & bill all of the bills in both names otherwise one of you could be left liable.

but (at least with my joint account) you're still individually liable, anyway, so if one of you vanishes you're still fucked.

― toby (tsg20), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:27 (twenty-one years ago)

separate rooms? interesting.

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:34 (twenty-one years ago)

> I don't see the problem if you are both transferring the same amount which covers the bills.

do people split bills down the middle? even if one person is earning more than the other? we used to split them in ratio to our earnings, 2/3rds me, 1/3rd her and i still used to get the impression from people that i was being unfair and should be paying all of it. i did make her pay the phone bill though as 95% of the calls were hers (although i still paid the standing charges)

oh, and get more closet space.

― koogs (koogs), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:39 (twenty-one years ago)

As for the money thing, the only way that realistically works is the 50/50 split on everything (with maybe allowances made for specifics - I am more spendthrift than Sarah when it comes to food shopping, which we split 60/40) - otherwise, someone is making a subjective judgement on who owes what, and even the slightest sense of unfairness can niggle.

So if you *don't* want to split everything, make sure you have solid guidelines for who pays what and why, and if you have any grievances, utter them now. Equally urgent is don't get touchy - money is a fiendishly difficult thing to discuss as there's so much import attached to it - be totally honest with each other, as even if you don't immediately agree, you can discuss the situation openly.

― Ol' prune face (Mark C), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

me and my flatmate sets up a spreadsheet for working these out.. basically communal stuff e.g. bills furniture are split 50/50 and we take rough turn buying beer small things like washing up liquid bin bag etc. i mean these things balance themselves out.

we never really have arguments about money matters.. if we were gay we'd make a good couple. washing up too pretty much.. we do our bits when things start to look bad and we're not overly gung ho about the place being pristine.

although the recent suspection of mice takes weight off my confidence in the system at the moment.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

We just pay for things according to whoever's got some money at the time. I don't recommend this as a long-term strategy though and it's much less helpful when it comes to luxuries than it is for essentials.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:28 (twenty-one years ago)

whatever you do, don't leave your hair on the soap.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

That's the great thing about seperate bathrooms, as well. As much stray hair as we want.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

We both get paid at different bi-weekly periods so its like someone gets paid weekly. bills are paid whenever by whomever.

― Big Baby Bingo (Chris V), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Respect one another, have your own space, work out how to pay which bills in advance, clean up after yourself, be mindful of the other person's space, don't expect them to share all of your obsessions or deal with all of your quirks, make an effort to communicate, don't take one another for granted, and above all, enjoy yourselves.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

It's great having someone to come home too!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

My girlfriend is leaving for a two week vacation (from me, har), it's going to be very weird having the apartment to myself. I haven't lived alone for like three or four years, and even that was a college dorm that I was rarely in.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Enjoy being sinful long and often.

― beanz (beanz), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

i've lived with my (now) wife for seven years. when neither of us made any money we split everything 50/50 but now I make more than here; after we got married we set up a joint account, figured out our gross expenses for the year, figured out a ratio that seemed fair, then divided these amounts by the number of pay cycles we each had (she has 24, I have 26), so now we just put that amount into the joint account on the day we get paid, and it covers all the bills (minus groceries) and the rest of the money we keep to ourselves for everything else (our own credit cards, food, clothes, etc). It's worked fine and is less hectic than worrying about each bill every time it shows up. The only bad thing is that it sometimes necessitates writing checks a few days before we get paid, which hasn't been a problem, but I guess might be soon since they can clear a check instantaneously now with the power of COMPUTERS

the other important thing to do is get rid of all your pornography. she will find it and get mad eventually.

― kyle (akmonday), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 17:59 (twenty-one years ago)

So, you guys want to come over? We can trash the place.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 18:05 (twenty-one years ago)

NB: This is not true.

the other important thing to do is get rid of all your pornography. she will find it and get mad eventually.

NB: This is also not necessarily true. I sort of hope my gf doesn't read this thread. :>

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 18:26 (twenty-one years ago)

make sure you both stay in the habit of going out and doing things on your own or with friends, getting out of the house seperately so you're not on top of each other all the time.

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 18:37 (twenty-one years ago)

so to speak

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 18:37 (twenty-one years ago)

nudge nudge wink wink

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 18:49 (twenty-one years ago)

"It's great having someone to come home too!"

OTM.

― titchyschneider (titchyschneider), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 20:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm going to totally Dan Perry this thread with:

Now, I've been doing all kids of budgeting and making enquiries regarding the essentials of moving

...and bust my spleen giggling over this.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Thanks for the advice, guys. All should be well, spent a fair bit of time away from home and sharing enclosed spaces with the lady, so there's no danger of her eviscerating me early on. We work well together, and I say that having lived through some very high peaks and low troughs with Cait. That said, I'll be reading over this thread very carefully.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Make sure that she's aware that you need your Halo 2 time.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:24 (twenty-one years ago)

(only half-joking)

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I have to say this. I just have to.

When I first saw the thread title, I read "Girlfriend" as "Garfield."

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:25 (twenty-one years ago)

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Hell, she actually tells me to go play Halo, on top of visits to the comicbook store!

She's the one!

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:32 (twenty-one years ago)

What I meant to say is that, on top of her demands for me to go unwind with a little spritekilling, she'll tell me to go buy comicbooks as well.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

She just wants you out of the house so she can have wild parties in your absence.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

it's generally a good idea for a shared living space to have a room other than the one you sleep in. i'm an insomniac. if i'm awake and have a lot of nervous energy i'll be up doing stuff. it's nice when there's a separate room for me to putter around in.

the joint bank account thing is weird. that would make me nervous. even if i got married i'd still want to manage my own money.

― hockey family (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:47 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't think people are having a joint bank account for ALL of their money, just one that you both put money into for the express purpose of paying bills, rent, etc.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:56 (twenty-one years ago)

i reckon that's a great idea, then maybe if there's a bit left over in teh account at the end of the month or the quarter or whatever you could shout yourselves a night out.

― gem (trisk), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 03:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Good advice from everyone. Here's an example of how not to do it:

Both going to school, I worked PT coaching at a resort, she worked PT at Aritzia in the mall 2 mins from our apt, we liked smoking weed and heckling the TV, it was so great, we didn't need much money, we were adventurous, limber and arrogant. Once summer break hit things got insane right QUICK, we both started doing bumps, smoking coco puffs, eating 3 tabs a week, we'd find ourselves getting pure mangled just to go for a walk or see a movie. Plus I had a consistent rotation of like 8 of the ghettoest dudes in Western Canada constantly hanging out which totally fucked up the feng shui and perverted my manners ("Hey, uh, I need a little bro time, not ho time, eh"). Then her mallworker clique (they're younger, crazier, and more treacherous than Earls girls, not kidding) started hanging out too and soon our crib was this heaving mass of kids selling shit to or jacking stuff from each other, EATING EATING EATING, burning the fucking kitchen countertop by careless hotknifing, CLIMBING THE BALCONY to get in when it was too loud to hear the buzzer, this ONE jibtech ninja chick from Montreal sprained her ankle trying to rollerblade down my stairs, little baggies all over the place, we watched the SAME DAMN MARTIN LAWRENCE VIDEO constantly, it was like FOOD COURT MAFIA APOCALYPSE.

So yeah, don't do it like that.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 03:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Hells, I got 'mosi action!

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:01 (twenty-one years ago)

"FOOD COURT MAFIA APOCALYPSE"

― mattp, Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm attempted to set up a really good quality mic and minidisc recorder during my next Halo/Fable binge, because her commentary from the sofa is some A-Grade Criterion Release shit.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:05 (twenty-one years ago)

In what sense, though?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:07 (twenty-one years ago)

In that when played over a feed of me slaughtering aliens, her comments are what could be described as 'comedy gold'.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:16 (twenty-one years ago)

But we will need the visuals of your game!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 05:17 (twenty-one years ago)

oh dear, my partner and i break all of these rules, i think. she's working two jobs, while i'm on student loans, she she pays the phone, 2/3 of rent, most of the groceries; i only pay hydro. i do lots of unpaid stuff, though; writing for the univ. paper, on the board of the co-op, political work, so it's not as if i'm laying around. i do all the dishes and keep things clean, generally. we've been living together since Aug. '03, and moved into the co-op July '04.

the my flat/your flat thing didn't happen, as we got our first place together, she leaving roomated and me leaving a dorm. it was only 5 months after we hooked up, actually. i guess we're very lucky. we've got a dog, too, rottweiler/hound cross.

― derrick (derrick), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 07:53 (twenty-one years ago)

make sure you each have your own room. please.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 09:24 (twenty-one years ago)

derrick, mail me. It's good to hear you're already more together than I'll ever be (which I kind of sensed would happen when I first started writing with/to you on the net). If I go to meet DB again (and Ned) in Seattle maybe we should meet up beforehand.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 09:44 (twenty-one years ago)

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