My anorexic friend

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I recently made a new friend. (In real life, not on ILX.) If you met her, you wouldn't know that she suffers from severe depression, bulimia, AND anorexia.
I don't know her too well yet.
How does one try to "help" someone with anorexia without directly telling that person that you want to help them? And how do you help her?

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

I would say that the best way to help would be to not overtly help at all, but to simply befriend this person and simply be there for her when needed. Anything else will smack of "SEE? SEE? I'M DOING SOMETHING GOOOOOOOOOD!!!"

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:41 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you know she suffers from all of these?

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:42 (twenty-one years ago)

She said so! And I believe her.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

don't make fat jokes around her.

― hockey family (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:44 (twenty-one years ago)

She's not fat, AT ALL. I'm not "thin", and I'm sure as hell not anorexic.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

well, telling you that stuff seems in some way to be a plea for help or at least a friendly ear. tantrum is right, though. you shouldnt make her into a mission, or make it the point of your friendship to save her. but you can talk to her about it.

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not trying to "save" her! She seems weirdly okay with her condition -when she told me about it she was drinking a strawberry shake, and she told me, "I'm gonna throw this up later" or something.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Jon, she may really be anorexic/bulemic, but from the way you describe it, it sounds like a plea for attention.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe. I doubt it.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:50 (twenty-one years ago)

wait. this is jon?

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Apparently.

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't find the thread, but, somewhere, it would seem to be the case.

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I think poor self-esteem is a huge problem in all of those illnesses, so the one piece of advice I'd offer would be to be good to her, to help her believe she is a nice person, that kind of thing. That's quite enough to be going on with, as it's hard to do when someone is depressed. This is all true if it's a plea for attention too, so I wouldn't worry too much about how much of it is true.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I should have guessed this would be a Nowell thread.

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

i dunno what to think about people who are purposefully forthright and blase about their eating disorders. i mean, whether or not theyre doing it for attention, it seems as though they probably feel pretty bad about themselves.

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost martin otmotm

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 21:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know if you could help her, even if you wanted to... My youngest sister has had eating disorders most of her life. It's really very sad. At best, I would just avoid talking about things making you fat. It doesn't matter if this friend is painfully skinny, she'll still see herself as overweight. She needs serious counseling. Whatever you do, don't force feed her.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd force feed her.

― paulhw (paulhw), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 22:23 (twenty-one years ago)

DO NOT TRY TO "FIX" HER. If it's anorexia, it is a very complicated psychological disorder. If it's bulemia, then yeah you can maybe say something, because she opened the door by saying what she said. But please do not try on Superman's cape, here; you're pulling against society and her family and sex and control and a whole lot of stuff you cannot control.

Be her friend.

― Logged out forever, Tuesday, 16 November 2004 22:25 (twenty-one years ago)

wait, anorexic?
low self-esteem?

so she's skinny AND easy?

hook me up!

― trigonalmayhem (trigonalmayhem), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 22:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, that hurts. Wish I looked like her.

She's too young for you.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 22:35 (twenty-one years ago)

how young?

I have questionable ethics
also I'm not exactly old.

― trigonalmayhem (trigonalmayhem), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:08 (twenty-one years ago)

She's 15. My age.

― Nowell (Nowell), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Nowell is named Jon?

― planescapin' 'til dawn (Homosexual II), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

no, there are a bunch of people who decided that nowell was jon williams, for some reason

― kyle (akmonday), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:37 (twenty-one years ago)

There was a thread that convinced me. But I didn't read on and find out that it seems quite easy to impersonate other people.

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:41 (twenty-one years ago)

you can change your name to whatever you want but your login name stays the same. jon did that as a joke in one thread. unless your preferences are set to show full details, it's easy to get confused by something like that.

― kyle (akmonday), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I had a "mild" case of anorexia in my early twenties, meaning that it lasted only about 6 months. I did want my friends to notice something was wrong. I got so much positive feedback about how great I looked emaciated that it was the wrong kind of encouragement. What got me out of it was a boyfriend who would cook amazing meals and who noticed when I wasn't eating. I wasn't bulemic, though, so I wasn't eating and then purging. I would just eat one donut a day until he started cooking for me.

I'd say don't try to be overly prying or pushy, but just let her know you're aware she's got a food issue and that if she needs some help, you're there. It can be a control issue - when you feel that you're life is out of control then it feels good to control your body. You can get a strange superpower feeling like you only need water and air, like you could float off the earth. It helps to have people remind you that you're connected and nourished and that everything is going to be alright.

― Maria D. (Maria D.), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

haha what?? nowell isn't jon, you goddamn loonies!! the cadence is all wrong. among other things.

anyway logged out is soooo otm. don't try and turn this into a 'project' as guys are apt to do (i would know) - i think the majority of my friends have had issues with eating disorders at some point, and your options as far as helping them are v. limited. you're getting in wayyyy over your head as is, just try and be a good friend.

― \(^o^)/ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I didn't think you could change details to the exact same login name and email address as someone else. I have full details showing, so it was when jon's username showed up that I got confused. I am a bear of very little brain sometimes.

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:50 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah it's an affect regulation, similar to cutting in that respect. and definately don't be pushy about it, it'll freak her out

― \(^o^)/ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:52 (twenty-one years ago)

bears :'(

http://www.timnortonart.com/paintings/symbolic/angry-bear.jpg

― \(^o^)/ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 23:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Figuring out whether she really is anorexic, and treating her, is definitely a job for a professional. At 15, you're probably both in school - encourage her to see a school counselor and talk to them about this. They should be able to set her up with someone who can help her.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 01:25 (twenty-one years ago)

I have a friend who was very open about her eating disorder last year...all I could do basically was talk about food with her at meals as if she didn't have an eating disorder, so she wouldn't feel pushed and uncomfortable but she'd know I was concerned about what she was doing (like if she'd eat just one vegetable serving for her dinner, i'd be like "hey the chicken's good, if you feel like some variety"). That was the best I could do but I don't think it did much.

I think she had a summer that was very good for her mentally, so she seems to be doing a LOT better this year, which is great and I hope she keeps it up...I hope the best for your friend too.

― Maria (Maria), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:22 (twenty-one years ago)

My freshman year roommate was lovely and sweet and also happened to be anorexic. She dropped down to almost 80 pounds and started having heart murmurs and they had to take her out of school. It was really sad.

There wasn't a whole lot I could do, or anyone could for that matter. Even when she decided she wanted to get better it wasn't like she could just flip a switch and start eating again and fix everything. Family and/or friends have to be really on point about convincing the girl to see a doctor and making sure she isn't in serious danger.

― Laura H. (laurah), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 02:28 (twenty-one years ago)

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