Christmas Traditions: The Annual Family Row

I'm sorry you've had a row Kate--I'm actually experiencing nostalgia for my family incl. of rows right now, since I won't be seeing them.

What will happen without me in Arkansas: My mother will clean the whole house and get the kitchen in good order, making anyone not doing this feel guilty in the process. My grandmother will fret to anyone who will listen (this is usually me) about how my mom is working herself to death. My uncle and cousin will then arrive sometime with a fast food meal and leave their used drink containers sitting in a puddle of condensation water and melting ice on one of the kitchen counters. My mother will then feel duty bound to clean this up and complain (to me, historically) about how she has to clean up after them. Nothing will be said directly to the offenders.

This scenario has happened almost every year I can remember. Also to be bickered about (my family complain and bicker but never get in screaming fights) include how much everyone dislikes everyone else's hairstyle, how my grandmother is trying to do too much, how the food should be cooked or not, and the dog.

I guess it's kind of heartening that you miss them, despite it all.

I'm just getting the ungrateful feeling that yes, we haven't spent Xmas together in five years, and remembering that yes, there is a reason for that. Sigh.

Me: "I dunno, some time in the New Year." (I was 19, had just started a new program, which I hated, and was unsure about the whole university thing.)

Her: "Whaddya mean, some time in the New Year?"

Me: "I don't know the exact date."

Her: "Do they mail it to you? Do they mail it to us?"

Me: "I think there's an office where I pick them up."

Her: "You think? YOU THINK?!!!"

Cue half-hour rant about how I Wasn't Taking Any Of This Seriously Enough and how my parents were Paying Good Money For All Of This and I'd better Get It Together.

Post-script: I eventually switched to a program I enjoyed, and got a degree and a (somewhat) related job. I love my mother dearly, and we've since worked through a lot of this kind of shit. But I don't miss those Christmases at all.

me: so i was thinking i could help out by making the stuffing this year
mom: yes dear but you know that would mean you'd have to be here before i put the bird in the oven
me: ?!? yes i know, i was going to come up to the house first thing in the morning you know how I have every year since i moved out 20 years ago
mom: oh well, i didn't know what your plans were
me: well, if i'd made other plans i would have talked to yo about them, and besides I just figured we'd do what we always do
mom: well i would never assume anything about what you're going to do

etc.

so basically i'm being guilt-tripped about not making a date to come to my mother's house on xmas morning even though WE ALWAYS DO THE SAME THING

wtf?

hell, so do i. i've had this cold and ear infection for 2 weeks now, and its getting damned annoying.

Me: Hey, you guys want to go to the Japanese place tonight?
Mom: Sure, if you think it's good.
Me: I do.
Pop: Well, if they let extremely aggressive people in to Japanese places.
Me: Jesus, stop it.
Mom: Jeremy... calm down.
Me: I am calm, I just don't do well with his crap.
Pop: Oh, I'm crap now, am I?
Mom: (starting to cry) Now look what you've done.
Pop: (starting to cry)...
Mom: (between tears) Why must we always fight?

etc. etc. etc. If my presence on the board is slight during the next week, please understand I've been consumed, or told I'm not to bother 'wasting my time on that computer of yours' (a common complaint preventing me currently from writing a few contracted reviews, checking my email, or doing a paid rewrite for a shitty sitcom pilot).

(hope it turns out okay dude)

this year my brother is losing his shit because im spending time with this girl and therefore not giving him 'enough attention'.

my mum is ill with flu and is doing the whole 'i shouldnt have to clean' thing.

my dad is silently getting everything done in his usually nice way.

i think i pissed everybody off yesterday (24th, my birthday) by playing Football Manager 2005 for a solid 4 hours while everybody wanted to play board games.

oops.

after that, we visited my dad's parents. everyone there (my grandparents, an aunt, two cousins, some miscellaneous friends) was slightly drunk, and my cousin started arguing with his wife about whether they were leaving or staying. things got slightly physical (my cousin shaking his wife's shoulders), my aunt took my cousin aside and reprimanded him (there being a subtext here of abuse worse than shaking shoulders), and then the argument moved outside the house (where I couldn't really see it). Apparently, abusive cousin yelled at aunt, younger cousin tried to defend her and separate the two, older cousin punched younger cousin in the nose, then came in the house to get his two little kids to leave. meanwhile, grandpa had called the cops, cop cars show up right when older cousin is trying to leave with his kids, cops find out that older cousin has an outstanding warrant with no bail, cops handcuff and take away older cousin in front of his wife and kids on x-mas day. grandpa feels bad, didn't know about the warrant, etc., and everyone makes arrangements to get wife and kids home (she can't drive because of a physical handicap).

ALL YOUR FAMILIES ARE TAME.

when I was a kid, I was a fireball of energy and a handful. and I also liked turning things that weren't rocket ships into rocket ships.

When I was 6, I decided Baby Jesus would be the worthiest successor to the Challenger, and started flying him around recklessly with my hand, to my parents' loud protest. I veered from the flight path a bit and inadvertently domed one of the three Wise Men, leading my dad and mom to yell loudly and dad to run to the kitchen to get the superglue.

we still have this nativity set, complete with Wise Men's surgically reattached head, sitting on our mantle. miss those days, warm memories.