How do you stop being jealous?

xpost -- You really shouldn't be. Really. It's got all kinds of problems. Prone to depression, terrible attention span, ADHD, propensity towards alcohol and drug abuse... the list goes on and on. I can imagine a lot better brains.

Andrew OTM, in other words.

If something is making me gut-churningly unhappy, for whatever reason, I tend to make lists - what's actually making me jealous, what can I do about it, what do I have no control over, how would I advise someone else to deal with it (if it were their problem and not mine), what are the options etc etc. It's a bit dull, but somehow writing it all down helps me gain better perspective. It also means that I feel less wound-up about things inside, so I am less emotional and reactive about everything, and that helps too.

I'm sorry you are feeling these things, Kate. Is it because of anything/anyone in particular, or just a general feeling that everyone else is having a better time of things than you are? (this is seldom true, btw, if that is any comfort to you).

However, understanding something rationally and intellectually is very different from feeling it emotionally.

With regard to the object of my affections, the only thing I can do is wait and see, and slowly build up the trust which I, intellectually, think the other person is very much worthy of. But the question of trying to make *myself* feel more secure, and more self confident, that is a much harder thing to do.

Unfortunately, being hurt by someone can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you aren't careful - if you are tormented by self-doubt you run the risk of becoming clingy and constantly seeking affirmation from him (maybe even without realising you are doing it) and that's something which can drive people away. Confidence is sexy, weak wobbliness is not. Generally speaking.

I don't know what to suggest, really. It's easy to say that you should allow a person the benefit of the doubt, and they are innocent until proven guilty, but I'm sure that's much harder to do if you have been hurt so many times before by people who have betrayed your trust. But you *do* say that you feel this person may be worthy of your trust, and the only way you are going to discover that is to give it a try, and let him start with a clean slate. That's only fair.

As regards your self-confidence/self-esteem, I am sure there are lots of things you can do to boost this. I'm sure if you looked online, you'd find suggestions - I dunno, maybe something as simple as writing down five things you really like about yourself, for a start, and maybe try to add one more different thing to that list each day. Even something very simple like "I have fabulous eyelashes". I'm no expert in these matters, but perhaps you need to do a bit of the old "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative" stuff to make you feel better about yourself right now :)

I could've sworn I just said this ;)

(I'm kidding, just in case anyone thinks I'm really that insanely egomaniacal.)

i haven't quite got there yet. i have anxiety a lot when i have self doubt. basically i just blame myself for being shit rather than blaming others for being better. being jealous sounds more fun.

The first is that he is just a much more extroverted, and much more demonstrative person than I am. And that's the bit that I do just have to learn to hide and/or ignore my more irrational impulses. Which I know from experiences gets easier to do with more time, and with growing trust. (Though that has made it all the more hard when the trust has been betrayed.)

The other thing is the general insecurity. And that doesn't really feel like it will ever go away until I figure out exactly what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I've really been drifting for the past few months, and I've been trying to take it one step at a time, rebuilding things bit by bit.

But there's still a stupid, naive part of me that thinks "It doesn't matter what you do with your life, love is the most important thing, and if you are experiencing love that's all that really matters, everything else is just window dressing!" and I'd love to believe that, but I know that it just isn't true. You do have to be happy with yourself, and in order to be happy with yourself you have to have some kind of direction, and achieve some kind of accomplishment that means something to yourself.

All this stuff gets so wound up all together in my head, I guess. And I start thinking that he's too good for me. And that's when I get neurotic, and that isn't attractive, confidence is attractive.

I guess it's easier to pick at emotional insecurities that to figure out what you want to do with your life.

Andrew, when are you going to be ready with that neurosis detecting filter for the interweb? if you're so perfect, I'm sure that will be a doddle for you. ;-)

That said, times and moods do change, self-confidence is crucial -- if not in everything, in as many things as you can -- and you'd be surprised at how many people might be jealous of you in turn.

No, I just didn't want to help them further substantiate that perception :)

Andrew, when are you going to be ready with that neurosis detecting filter for the interweb? if you're so perfect, I'm sure that will be a doddle for you. ;-)

Oh that's easy, "if (board == "ilx") neurotic = true;".

I think Markelby is right, sometimes you just have to not express some things.

I think this is wrong. Holding stuff back never really solves anything.

I totally agree with Andrew. It really is better to discuss this kind of thing so that it can be worked through as a couple.

If you have stupid, irrational, irksome fears and you've talked about them together, and agreed there's no justification for this, it is not fair to continually badger your partner about it. Even if they love you there's a limit to the number of times they can hear all that stupid, irrational, irksome stuff without getting exasperated and defensive.

Isadora OTM.

If I had a problem & I wanted to discuss it with my partner I'd be a little upset, to say the least, that they would regard it as "bagering"!

Surely everybody gets jealous at points in a relationship. I don't believe for a second nobody suffers this emotion even at small levels, but if you mentioned it all the time to your partner wouldn't it start to play on their minds a bit? Of course huge levels of jealousy may be covering for other problems, as Andrew said, and definitiely need further 'treatment'.

e.g. with girls etc it's about when other boys are making moves on the girl you like etc. i don't know whether i can feel the hatred for that (unless they do it intentionally to hurt you), i'd wish it didn't happen but on the other hand think that at the end of the day if i'm not good enough etc. then it's not anyone else's fault really surely?

Seriously, is the word 'jealous' abused incorrectly this way?

I'm *trying* not to make the same mistake with the Object Of My Affections, and trying to be as honest and open about my feelings as is possible in a new relationship.

But I also know that a lot of these feelings are absolutely *nothing* to do with him, and everything to do with my own insecurity and neurosis. I don't know if it's better to talk about it, and risk making it worse, like some kind of thoughtworm going round and round. Or else shut up about it, try to ignore it, and risk it eating away at you.

Actually I did talk about this last night. I said "I feel jealous of H..." (his friend who just moved back to town without her husband and in need of emotional support) and he said "that's stupid, but she needs friends so I'm not going to let her down" and I said "I don't want to be a Clayton's girlfriend (non-acoholic beer once marketed as the Drink you have when you're not having a Drink)and he said "you are a 20% proof girlfriend" and I said "I won't go on about it" and he said "good". So now I think I have to just try to cut off the insidious thoughts which are really just repeating what we've already discussed.