Oh, look! A helpful email from management about being a "professional!"

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Good news, everyone! One of the managers decides to email all of us the following for his "Positive Thought of the Day":
A PROFESSIONAL

A professional learns every aspect of the job. An amateur skips the learning process whenever possible.

A professional carefully discovers what is needed and wanted. An amateur assumes what others need and want.

A professional looks, speaks and dresses like a professional. An amateur is sloppy in appearance and speech.

A professional keeps his or her work area clean and orderly. An amateur has a messy, confused or dirty work area.

A professional is focused and clear-headed. An amateur is confused and distracted.

A professional does not let mistakes slide by. An amateur ignores or hides mistakes.

A professional jumps into difficult assignments. An amateur tries to get out of difficult work.

A professional completes projects as soon as possible. An amateur is surrounded by unfinished work piled on unfinished work.

A professional remains level-headed and optimistic. An amateur gets upset and assumes the worst.

A professional handles money and accounts very carefully. An amateur is sloppy with money or accounts.

A professional faces up to other people’s upsets and problems. An amateur avoids others’ problems.

A professional uses higher emotional tones: Enthusiasm, cheerfulness, interest, contentment. An amateur uses lower emotional tones: anger, hostility, resentment, fear, victim.

A professional persists until the objective is achieved. An amateur gives up at the first opportunity.

A professional produces more than expected. An amateur produces just enough to get by.

A professional produces a high-quality product or service. An amateur produces medium-to-low quality product or service.

A professional has a promising future. An amateur has an uncertain future.

The first step to making yourself a professional is to decide you ARE a professional.

Are you a professional?

Wow! What a helpful and inspirational email! not only does it contain a handful of useful ideas amongst a morass of third-rate platitites and a conflating of two different definitions of "professional", it lets me know that i myself can never be considered as such. Of course, this is thanks to me being "upset" and "distracted", due in part to the fact that i have no health insurance to cover meds to offset any problems with ADD & depression.

I feel better already! Now I'm so ready to be productive and stuff!

kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)

i am a professional amateur

Stevem On X (blueski), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)

An amateur reads this whole email through to the end, I saw it immediately for the bumfodder it is.

Huk-L, Monday, 10 January 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

ameteurist to thread, obv.

dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:29 (twenty years ago)

To: The Bosses
From: Me
Re: This Helpful Email

A professional drives a red sports car and has 5 weeks of vacation a year. An amateur rides the bus and takes the day after Christmas off. WHICH DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?

Huk-L, Monday, 10 January 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)

A professional works for an organisation which is not chronically underfunded, an amateur works for an organisation they believe could make a difference.

isadora (isadora), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:34 (twenty years ago)

A professional forwards political rants to coworkers.

A professional does not clean up messes in the kitchen.

A professional breaks the toilet and then runs off without telling anyone.

American Apparel and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:42 (twenty years ago)

A professional runs on a steam engine

David Allen (David Allen), Monday, 10 January 2005 19:55 (twenty years ago)

aw according to that email i'm an amateur

ken c (ken c), Monday, 10 January 2005 20:00 (twenty years ago)

ihttp://www.allposters.com/IMAGES/MMPH/223672.jpg

Leon the Fatboy (Ex Leon), Monday, 10 January 2005 20:02 (twenty years ago)

Does this apply to porn stars too?

Jordan (Jordan), Monday, 10 January 2005 20:03 (twenty years ago)

Jeez, haven't you only been there a short time, K.F.?

Huk-L, Monday, 10 January 2005 20:04 (twenty years ago)

even more good news! i just got another email that we're having a little sub-dept meeting today and that we should

"Please come with a pen or pencil and having read the “Thought of the week” that T sent this morning."

this is even better!

kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 10 January 2005 20:06 (twenty years ago)

A professional brings a pen, because it writes in blue. An amateur brings a pencil because he just got back from a round of mini-golf.

Huk-L, Monday, 10 January 2005 20:07 (twenty years ago)

A professional has a mental breakdown and goes to a shrink. The shrink tells the professional to be more of an amateur.

thee music mole, Monday, 10 January 2005 20:09 (twenty years ago)

I sure hope I never have to work with any "professionals", they sound like they'd make me look bad.

Garibaldianne (Garibaldianne), Monday, 10 January 2005 22:30 (twenty years ago)

professionals have heart attacks at 45

Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:08 (twenty years ago)

I promise when I was a manager I never did this shit.

teeny (teeny), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:10 (twenty years ago)

WE DONT BELIEVE YOU

hmm. turns out i really didn't need the pen for the meeting. my super had typed out her own little list independent of the email one, a list without the need for implied moral criticism

kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:14 (twenty years ago)

Amateurs have more fun.

Adamdrome Crankypants (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:27 (twenty years ago)

A professional makes up new and exciting buzzwords [usually a noun in present participle form]. An amateur speaks ENGLISH.

Adamdrome Crankypants (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:28 (twenty years ago)

The root of the word "amateur" is "amo" innit? Like, amateurs love what they do BY DEFINITION.

Professionals don't.

martin m. (mushrush), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:32 (twenty years ago)

A Professional would send out an alternate version of this email, completely loaded up with snark. An amateur would let them get away with it.

Garibaldianne (Garibaldianne), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:33 (twenty years ago)

i wish you'd taken a crayon to the meeting. surely THAT'S professional.

colette (a2lette), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:34 (twenty years ago)

A professional would leverage hardware security to initiate preventative measures aimed at creating a multifunction barrier to maintain the status quo within the physical space of the company going forward. An amateur would lock the door.

Adamdrome Crankypants (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:41 (twenty years ago)

Can you smell that? Someone's cooking up........SUCCESS!

No, wait a minute--that's just a steaming pile of "professional".

jay blanchard (jay blanchard), Monday, 10 January 2005 23:58 (twenty years ago)

Here, post this slightly altered version and see if anyone notices:

A PROFESSIONAL

A professional learns every aspect of the job and makes sure not to get stuck with the crap.

A professional looks, speaks and dresses like a professional – it’s much easier than actual hard work.

A professional keeps his or her work area clean and orderly with lots of stuffed animals and family photos on top, porn and liquor hidden below.

A professional is focused and clear-headed, as long as he knows his limits and sticks with a dose he knows he can handle.

A professional does not let mistakes slide by – a professional buries the evidence, or failing that, a professional blames someone else.

A professional jumps into difficult assignments and then jumps right out again as soon as the boss has left the area.

A professional completes projects as soon as possible, leaving for home earlier and earlier each sad day.

A professional remains level-headed and optimistic (see note above about proper dose).

A professional handles money and accounts very carefully, unless it is the company’s…what do they care anyway, it’s not like they’ll miss a few pens and such.

A professional pretends to care about other people’s upsets and problems.

A professional uses higher emotional tones: Delusion, Denial, Compromise.

A professional insists that the objective is achieved when he grows tired of working and wants to go get drunk.

A professional produces more than expected. This might not always be good, depending on what you are talking about.

A professional has a promising future. An amateur has an uncertain future. They both get let go in the end.

The first step to making yourself a professional is to decide you ARE a professional.

Are you a professional?

Garibaldianne (Garibaldianne), Tuesday, 11 January 2005 00:04 (twenty years ago)

Yes.
Yes I am.
http://image.compusa.com/prodimages/28/4d3ac5bb-0658-4ace-86ba-ed33d632f42e.gif

Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Tuesday, 11 January 2005 04:08 (twenty years ago)

Professional or anal, that's the question

Jimmy Mod always makes friends with women before bedding them down (ModJ), Tuesday, 11 January 2005 04:11 (twenty years ago)

A professional charges for sex. An amateur doesn't.

tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Tuesday, 11 January 2005 04:23 (twenty years ago)


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