My First-Ever Live-In Relationship: Any Advice?

and I'm sure you know this already, but don't ever go to bed mad at each other.

I live in an apartment about the size of a single dorm room. It's probably about 12 X 10 feet. but it totally works, because we are kind to eachother, considerate, and can co-exist. (plus we're both used to living in small spaces)

However, I've lived in a huge apartment with a girlfriend, and it was stifling and limiting. So, the size of the place plays a role, but it doesn't really determine success or failure.

My advice, live together if you have a good, healthy relationship. if you have a strained relationship, living together will only make things worse.

I have a 2brm place so one is the study, where my lad can go do his programming or being Gordon Freeman for hours on end while I read a book or watch TV or ILX. Works nicely for us, we're both homebods so we'd probably butt heads in a smaller space.

this is an important balance. when i was co-habiting a few years back, our work schedules were just off enough that we had completely distinct social lives. which is good in some ways, but it also meant that we didn't really ever have 'quality time' together. sometimes i'd only see him when he got back from his restaurant job (late late) and, as i was teaching, i was more early to bed and rise. eventually, we took ballroom dancing lessons, but it was basically too late by then.

Major piece of advice - don't spend every evening in front of the telly (I'm sure most of you don't anyway). Spend an evening talking, playing, cooking, reading together instead - it's amazing how much more intimate and fun your interaction becomes.

It stresses us out and I'm sure most of our arguments stem from being squeezed together.

The worst thing of all is when we do argue, and I flounce out of the room and slam the door, I find myself in the undignified position of being in the bathroom.

I don't know, I used to agree with this, but isn't it sometimes better to cool off and talk about it the next day rather than feeling like you HAVE to talk it out while you're both all worked up?

As it stands, we plan to stick my futon in the living room, as it's a decent enough couch substitute and there are times when I'll need to get home late from the studio. There's a decent size corner nook where the home gym stuff will go, and the kitchen is big enough that we'll be able to cook together without bumping into each other.

Our schedules are different enough that I don't see us getting in each other's hair that much, and we're planning some fun activities that we can do as a pair. I'm also going to go through my things over the next few weeks and do a purge of everything I don't need (old clothes / books / tchotchkes / CDs) so that I'm just moving the necessities.

We really do get along phenomenally well. I'm pretty pscyched about the whole thing.

Anyone else?

the 'no-tv' rule is really spot-on, and i think our lack of television(stations, that is; we watch a lot of movies) helps a lot, as well as having a dog. be sure to eat together, keep meals special with a table set and all, instead of eating on the fly or on the couch. it's hard to say; we break couple rules all the time, but we got into a comfortable situation within about a week of meeting seriously, and it still hasn't ended.

I agree very much with the giving each other quiet time, letting each other go out separately.

I'd also add that it's good to have little "dates" once or twice a week -- you know, even if you eat dinner together every night, make a nicer one and light candles and get a bottle of wine, or go out to eat in the middle of the week just to relieve some tension, go to the movies, go for a drink, etc. Anytime one or both of us is in a bad mood this seems to cheer us up. I think on the other thread someone said something about the distinction between just being around each other and actually spending time together, and there's a big difference.

Also, do try to remember how beautiful she is at points when you'll really need to.

it = period of butting heads, obv.

Other than that, just general common sense stuff. Do a fair share of cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Don't hog the things you guys share, ie, TV, audio space (playing music), etc.

And don't try to convince her to have a threesome.

I think I want out. :(

Andrew! I think it's good Tantrum talks to someone outside the relationship. Maybe we won't give Tantrum good advice, at least it'll clear his (her?) head. (Sorry, don't know if you're male, just assuming. ;-) )

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), June 13th, 2005. (later)

Well, I started the bloody thread, right? And people responded with advice, no?
I thought they might want to know what's happened since then.

it's like chris rock said, "you haven't been in love if you haven't wanted to kill em!" "you haven't been in love if you haven't been caught with rat poison and garbage bags!"

honestly, i'd rather be in a couple that fights instead of a couple that doesn't fight...
m.

However, maybe none of that is working.

I would also have said: have a conversation IN ADVANCE about the petty stuff. People are so different with their tiny foibles and domestic routines, and yet *because* they are so habitual we half the time don't realise that other people do things differently.

Matt and I have fairly different ideas about tidiness (not that one is and one isn't, more than we are both untidy/anal about different things). I try really hard not to argue about it, but it doesn't always work. It's important to make a distinction between fighting about the HOUSE and fighting about the RELATIONSHIP though. Which are you doing?

I think it's normal for there to be some bickering in any relationship, but if you're at each other's throats all the time, I'd think it's less good than bad over all. Anger/tension isn't always sexy.

One advantage to being married and bickering is the thought that as bad as the fighting is, LAWYERS would be worse!

So you hadn't lived together before you got married? wow, that's BRAVE.

I'm on week six of cohabitation, we're getting to know each other fast. I'm trying to suppress the desire to explain to her that every moment I spend not with her, is *not* a moment during which I *hate* her and am *plotting* our messy and acrimonious break-up...

Good lord, this is an absolutely horrifying suggestion in my experience, based on my folks. It's not that my parents never disagreed on things and sometimes could be snippish to each other, I've seen that at a number of points -- not constantly, though, and usually with an air of gentle teasing. They're both individuals and they both will have their say, and I'm glad of that. But actually fighting...nope, never saw it, never even sensed it. And they've been together happily for almost four decades now.

I told my best friend about it in 8th grade and then learned her parents THREW things at each other, and her dad ended up in the emergency room from a plate at the skull. Then I felt like it wasn't so bad.

But yeah, I don't miss their shouting matches at all.

My ex-girlfriend was very much into the whole "let's fight and then we'll be able to make up, it's healthy" thing, and I think it made things worse that I was unable/unwilling to indulge her.

Thanks for your responses everyone, and xpost to Andrew: no harm done.

I've got to go look at this through a wider-angled lense.

sometimes it's the way you're programmed. If that's all you're ever fed is tension, baiting and cruelty it's hard to know how to want anything else.