Relationships: When is it time to move on?

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It would be almost impossible to try to capture the last fifteen years of a relationship in a single post but I'll give a brief outline.

I've been married for thirteen years and two years into the marriage and almost immediately following the birth of our first child, my husband had an affair. I was completely devastated and my whole life fell apart. I was also suffering from post natal depression at the time so -- although there is never a right time for this kind of thing to happen -- the timing couldn't have been worse. I left with my child and following a couple of months spent living with my parents, in the pits of despair and self-pity, I managed to get some level of functioning back and moved into a place of my own.

Soon after, my husband asked me to take him back. He assured me that the affair was over and agreed that we should get into some kind of therapy and work through stuff. I agreed because I did still love him and I really didn't want to bring my child up alone. We worked really hard and he appeared to fully re-commit himself to the marriage. It took a long, long time for any level of trust and faith to be restored, but eventually we seemed to be back on an even keel.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I'm now estranged from my family (a whole other thread) but was reconciled to the fact that my husband and child are the most important people in my life now and was slowly coming to grips with the physical and emotional detaching of myself from my family. It's been a tough year and my husband has seen the shit I've had to go through and has undoubtedly been very supportive throughout.

Last week though, I was plunged back into the nightmare of distrust, lies and deception yet again. We have managed to save quite a large sum of money that (without going into details) we have kept at home in a safe place. Last week, I asked for access to the cash and as my husband was handing it to me, he casually dropped the bombshell that he'd taken over half of it and would replace it shortly.

It was like someone had kicked me violently in the stomach. This isn't really about the money but the fact that he took it without telling me. He says it was because he didn't want to upset me because of all the stuff I was going through with my family but then in the next breath said he knew if he'd asked me, I would have refused. Of course, all sorts of things went through my mind. Was he gambling? Supporting another woman? Putting it into another account for himself with a view to pissing off? This is what deceiving someone does. It plants seeds of doubt about all manner of things and I'm wracking my brain to see if there are signs I've missed all along.

I'm still reeling. We've had two huge rows about this and I've asked him to leave. He has refused. He said his business was failing and that he needed the money to keep it going. This could be the truth but I'm no longer sure. Either way, what he did has succeeded in demolishing any semblance of trust I had worked so hard to regain. I can't even look at him right now.

I needed to write this down. It's whizzing around in my head and making me ill. I don't know where to go with this. I don't even know if I'm over-reacting (as he has told me) all I know is, that I'm hurting really badly all over again and I'm thinking about leaving.

I feel so fucking weak and dependent. If I stay, am I signaling that I'll put up with any amount of betrayal or deception? I don't know what to do for the best.

― itdoesn'tmatter, Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:23 (twenty years ago)

before you do anything else, take the rest of the money and put it in the bank. in an account with your name on it.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:38 (twenty years ago)

When is it time to move on?

The day you think of it as moving on. I haven't read much of your post, because it isn't necessary -- if you're debating "moving on" vs "staying," the details are just by-products of the inertia that has thus far kept you from leaving. No one has ever been happy or made someone else happy by means of inertia.

(The alternative is that your choice of phrase is just a means of venting, in which case the details aren't important either -- overstating the case is a good way of venting because then you can sit back and go "it's not actually THAT bad, is it?", but it's hard for people to key in on that vibe and react appropriately.)

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:41 (twenty years ago)

Scott's is good advice. I'd also want to see evidence that that was where the first half went. It might easily be true - a combination at embarrassment at failure in business and not wanting to add to your stress would make sense there. If it isn't true, get out of it and don't go back.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:44 (twenty years ago)

I accept what you're saying and it's true I guess. I also know if he were to post his version of events here, it would most probably be quite different. I just hurt so damn badly again and I feel I've got no one in my corner.

xpost

― itdoesn'tmatter, Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:46 (twenty years ago)

So you need to find out if there is reason to be hurt, by asking for the evidence. I know that is tough, but you have to know you can trust him. He can't get on his high horse about it as he took lots of joint cash without telling you!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:50 (twenty years ago)

how was the money saved? was it through mutual contributions? why did you have to ask him for access to it in the first place?

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:51 (twenty years ago)

He brought in the lion's share but I was / am the frugal saver. I had to ask him to get it for me because it was in a place I physically couldn't get to, that's all.

Martin, you're right. I need to see evidence of where it's gone but that still doesn't change that I'm so hurt that he did it all behind my back.

― itdoesn'tmatter, Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:54 (twenty years ago)

If you've been married this long and you have a strong feeling it should be over, you're almost certain to be right -- if you stay, you may find yourself feeling that way again in two years, and then two years after that, and so on (my mother divorced my father when I was thirteen after spending eight years trying to talk herself out of it, but that's only the first time I've seen that happen, not the only).

Every time I've been at the end of a relationship, I've felt like maybe I was/we were doing the wrong thing to end it -- but in retrospect, my reasons for staying never amounted to more than "it would be hard to leave." (That's true for things other than relationships, for that matter.) They're always very persuasive reasons -- but leaving is only hard for a limited period of time, and then it's done.

(See, everyone is focusing on the details. They need to be dealt with eventually, and the money ones need to be dealt with quickly, but detail work also invokes questions of fault so much that you can confuse the issue of where fault lies with whether you should leave -- as though the only reason for Person X to end a relationship is when it's Person Y's fault.)

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 13 January 2005 16:55 (twenty years ago)

Perhaps I'm missing your point but I wouldn't be considering leaving if this hadn't happened. Maybe you're right that in a couple of years time, I might think about it, but I can't know that right now.

― itdoesn'tmatter, Thursday, 13 January 2005 17:13 (twenty years ago)

No, I know you can't -- but it would probably be the case (especially since you've been separated before). My main point was just that when your impulse is to move on -- not just to leave, but to move on, which means a lot more whether you meant it that way consciously or not -- in a situation where you're not just some dumb kid freaking out because you had your first argument with Snookums, that impulse is almost always correct.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 13 January 2005 17:21 (twenty years ago)

Yes, I see what you're saying and you're probably right. It's such a huge decision and I probably need to stop feeling so sorry for myself and try to work this through rationally.

― itdoesn'tmatter, Thursday, 13 January 2005 17:29 (twenty years ago)

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself! But sure, dwelling on it can drain you too much to fix anything.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 13 January 2005 17:30 (twenty years ago)

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