A 'Pulling Culture' vs. A 'Dating Culture'

As someone who is always prone to treat things expressed in black and white terms with a big measure of suspicion, I am really dubious. But what do the rest of you think?

But at the same time I was left thinking - how many long-term relationships started with one party taking advantage of the other being compleyely off their face? There are plenty of relationships that started via the 'dating' method which ultimately ended in failure. With this in mind can we really diss the 'pulling' method? Surely the 'pulling' method is no more unacceptable than the arranged (as opposed to forced, which is clearly unacceptable) marriage found in some cultures....

truly, sex is evil people. wake up. end it.

Everyone who goes out on the pull starts off with a heart of gold, of course.

I agree with the original premise - asking someone out when, say, you're in the post room at work, is a Big Thing. And I agree that the dating/pulling divide is something deep in British culture - it's part of that whole British Reserve thing.

See also: the thread about pulling strangers on public transport.

...and the annoying thing is, it doesn't get any less of a Big Thing the older one gets! It doesn't matter how much life experience I have had or added confidence in dealing with other situations I might find myslef in, I still find this really difficult. I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that it does appeared to be culturally determined and not hardwired into the human psyche and that culturally determined things can presumably be learned and unlearned to some extent. I really need someone who has lived in a country with the 'dating' culture and the 'pulling' culture in their adult life to comment on this kind of thing I suppose, to get their take on it.

Does anyone think that the 'dating' vs 'pulling' culture is in any way related to 'pub society' vs 'café society'?

This is the excuse you use for not (ahum) pulling enough birds ey? wink wink

There's not much of a *dating culture* here in my country (Belgium). The only real date I made here was just torture (for both parties). But then pulling is frowned upon here as well. We just sort of *get together*. hah

(x-post, maybe i'm such a preson, mark?)

Still, the difference is 90% down to our drinking culture, I think. Perhaps this is a reason why we *need* more of a dating culture in the UK.

In other words - meeting someone at a party, if you casually ask them out for a drink the following week, you look nonchalant and cool and generally like you know what you're doing, and even if the person you're asking out isn't 100% convinced they're more likely to take a bit of a chance. If instead you sit about getting ratted and then make a drunken lunge at them you are more likely to make yourself look like a tit and put them off for good. Unless you're successful, of course.

A friend of mine who DJs 60s ska and R'n'B said that when he played in Belgium, it was common practice to slow down the records because over there people still dance together as couples. When he and his brother got on the dancefloor and started skanking to a faster number, they were met with looks of "You crazy Brits".

Pulling a stranger on the dance-floor is the only proper way to start a relationship. Or getting really drunk with a very good friend & then ending up in bed. That's good too.

Was this recently? Couples still dance, but in my *circles* it's a rarity.

fuck you. we have more teenage pregnancies and more STDs than any other country in the west.

I can imagine this was a particular circle, being a sort of 60s style thing. But the guy is in his 20s and tis must have been no more than a year ago.

Err... What has THAT got to do with it? What I'm saying is that Brits are rarely suave about they find their SOs. The fact there are quite so many teen pregnancies is testament to that - we get drunk and do stupid things. The concept of asking someone out on a date is pretty alien to most and terrifying to the rest.

That's the POINT!

;-) jks.

I think nearly every relationship I've been involved in began with me or lady being at least partially off their face. Probably more likely me, for I am *shy*.

However, the big exception to this is the one I am in at the moment, which began with dating. Which was very exciting.

also your previous post is 100% correct.

ARE WE NOT KNOCKING NOW, MOTHER?

1 bug and one removed set of greater/less than signs later...

And sorry : back to Microsoft MI5.

OTM.. surely it should be 'a pulling culture' vs 'the OKCupid culture'...

xpost

I mean, I've never met you, but I know you REALLY well. I don't know you or heard any of your popmusika, but you're a real-life celebrity! I'm sure I'll bump into you at a FAP one day, and it'll be SOO starstruck!

And yes, votes for the US system, although the UK system is easier.

but there were other times when it's just like hanging out with a friend but with the added bonus of possible going out woo-hah funness, that if things don't happen then at least i'd be making a friend. but there were times when it's really hard to think like that when ego takes over and it's all like "how dare you not fancy me" and stuff.

Forget everything I just said before!

(SEE! See how flippant I am? This is why I don't date)

Ah, but to the average Brit, the whole idea of sitting down at a table with someone you barely know whilst COMPLETELY SOBER can be as terrifying as a job interview. I've tried it before and it's been nothing but awkward. Anyone who's seen the scene in the Office Christmas Special when David Brent goes on a blind date with someone he neither fancies nor has anything in common with will be able to see what it's like.
I spent a whole two or three dates with someone quie a while back and the only things we talked about were what movies we'd seen. Massive awkward silences. Loads of tension with both parties wondering what's going on and what each one thinks of the other. "Do I move in for a kiss? Heck I haven't even touched her hand yet! How do I say goodbye at the end of the date? Does she want to leave? Should I leave? Am I being too slimey? Am I being too hesitant? ARRRGH ARRRGH ARRRGH!"
The other way is less formal and maybe a little less straightforward than asking Jackie in accounting out for a drink and then hopefully falling in love, but then it does involve meeting people at their most informal and relaxed and in their most natural and social environment. In this way you can tell what they're like from the start. If one is introduced to someone in a pub or club and she or he turns out to be a bit of a jerk then you're more likely to find out sooner rather than later on when they reveal their true non-dating-mode colours. It also means that you're not thrown straight into the frying pan of "We are on a date therefore if everything goes well we will meet again/kiss/have sex" - you can get to know them as acquaintances first.

Anyway, the couple in front of me were young, drunk (with beer still in hand), CARLESS (i.e. they were walking through the drive-through coz the main bit was closed) and I heard the girl whinge to the boy "you said you were going to take me out to dinner, not through a drive through!" and his reply was "well, this is dinner, isn't it?"

So, I guess that's contemporary inner-urban 18 to 21 yr old Melbourne "dating" for you.

Er...

My wife and I started dating because she accidentally got completely 'faced at a party and I had to hold her hair back while she puked in the toilet and then walk her home. I slept on her floor to make sure she'd be okay that night. We didn't go out on a date until maybe three weeks later although we lived in adjacent buildings and saw each other all the time. Without alcohol, I would likely still be single.

all of those fears and problems hold true in new york city, from what i can tell. i don't know anyone who "dates" on a regular basis.

you should come to a fap some time...

sayin'

I have been analysing what I was told a lot today. I've realised that although the question I asked was "would you like to go out for a drink?", the answer I got back was to "can you go out for a drink?" - which implies that wanting to go or not wasn't an issue.

then again i have not been to many faps so my sample is presumably unrepresentative.

well i'd imagine this person assumed that you do want to go, since you asked.

Have since found out that the person in question has told everyone else in the office. Grr.