criticism / compliments

i take neither very well if i don't actually agree with the judge, the way i can switch from modesty to arrogance can be quite alarming.

I know this is unreasonable. If I give someone "nice shoes" type compliments, it's usually cause I like them and just want to say something nice about them to show that I appreciate them and/or their tastes.

Other things are more nebulous. I'm better at accepting compliments on, say, my music (or constructive criticism, I'm not talking about "blah, this sucks" type crap) but it's getting too close to that line where it's talking about myself. "This music is good" is abstract and therefore acceptible but "You are talented" is uncomfortable.

It's really twisted, isn't it? Being so accomplishment-driven that you start to think of yourself and your accomplishments as being two separate things.

ha ha, exactly! the quality of the criticism can be worse than what the criticism is directed at, and when that happens i get annoyed, even if it is all subjective.

Wha?

No, I mean you should TAKE dancing classes

oh.

Agreed and the reverse is also a problem for me - I find myself avoiding paying compliments, both sincere and harmlessly insincere (eg "nice shoes" when I don't really care), because I assume that the person I'm complimenting will think I am either lying or creepily trying to ingratiate myself. This is definitely a Calvinist thing - my Presbyterian parents brought me up to prefer dour but honest to superficially warm but insincere. There is a social price to be paid for this - I have an exaggerated sense of how easily people will see through transparent insincerity and am dismayed when they don't and the (to me) obvious faker gets the gig/ promotion/girl/closer friendship or whatever. I've belatedly come to realise that an ability to carry off even insincere compliments is a pretty valuable, even necessary, social asset, but I that it's too late for me to acquire it - I just feel too much of a self-conscious prat when I try it. I feel like a fake and therefore assume I come across as one.

I went through a phase of trying to do that sort of thing, but it always came off as so insincere that it put people off.

I do tend to pay compliments quite readily, along the lines of 'hey that's a cool t-shirt' or 'your hair looks really good like that'. I only do it if I mean it, but if I think it I more often than not say it. More often than not I think it works as intended ie to make people feel good about themselves, albeit briefly.

Criticism - two reactions. I tend not to be worried about criticism except from close family and friends when I easily become mortified and over-compensate. I put it down to a very critical mother, but I'm not sure that's fair. When it's at work or from people I don't like or respect, I just think 'stuff you' and ignore it. I'm not sure that this is healthy, but it's innate. Does anyone else have this binary reaction to criticism?

I find it much easier to pay professional compliments than personal ones. If I work with someone and they do a good job, I find it very easy to say 'you did that really well. I particularly liked the way you did [x].' But then, this is a definite networking skill that I learned in a class. It works well, because it also makes it easier for you to criticise that same person if they've done something badly.

But personal compliments and criticism, I am crap at.

Compliments I tend to react too terribly, which I can well imagine is irritating. 'Yeah I know!' sounds obnoxious, 'Uh thanks' goes nowhere and reaching for something to compliment them back on just seems a bit rote and insincere. If I agree with the compliment I will invariably use it to fuel smug 80s yuppie shit eating grins for the rest of the evening though, and probably like the person a lot more even if they don't ever realise it because they shuffled off crestfallen after fifteen seconds of me umming and ahing.

that sort of thing?

i can't take criticism unless it's from someone i hate, because then i can write it off.