My sister is engaged to an asshole

seriously though, we're not hearing both sides of the story here. Without some attempt at self-refutation, I can't help give any useful advice, ya know?

Another example: they were in a car accident while my sister was driving a few months before that second time I met him. The accident came up in conversation, and he said, "Do you want to see what she did to me?" as he pointed to his teeth which had been injured in the accident.

Another example: she called me, in tears, because they had argued about him expecting her to cook and clean when she was at his house when he had his friends over.

Another example: they were having dinner with my mother, and he says to both my sister and my mother that he could, if he wanted to, date someone younger than my sister. WTF?!

I know that these little anecdotes aren't in the same league as "he hits her" or whatever. But to me, they are big red flags. I mean, sure, you can live with this, but why would you want to? There are better people out there.

It was unfair of me to comment on his appearance. But it is relevant that he is overweight and a smoker and therefore not the healthiest person out there, because the *only* doubt that my sister will admit to is the age difference (and she recognizes that she will outlive him, probably by a long time). Thank you for reading.

(ok, kidding.)

Well, is your sister sleepwalking into this, or does she really find something neat about him? I can totally understand you being very turned off by him, now that I heard some of these stories. But, I think each of us all know somebody who is "obviously with the wrong person".. and usually, there's not much one can do other than a) see how things work out and hope they do, or b) see that somebody learn the hard way.. and possibly keep re-learning the hard way again and again.

But it is relevant that he is overweight and a smoker and therefore not the healthiest person out there.

Is that relevant? It's relevant only in that he's sure to croak before your sister does, assuming she doesn't share this guy's health lifestyle. But your overweight and smoking complaint sounds like another superficial complaint to me.

Are you particularly close to your sister? (I'm asking earnestly.. you haven't really expressed this notion clearly yet, so I honestly don't know.)

zpost - HAHAHAHAHAHAH to blount's comment

Does she find something neat about him? Yes. She was never really the "party" type of person, and I think he introduced her to stuff like going to bars and such. He is very confident (and yes, cocky), and I can see how that would be appealing. My sister also admits that he is very vain. He wants to be viewed as being a cool person.

I should have been clearer. My point is that the guy doesn't care much for his own health. Age difference and potential health problems make it certain that she will outlive him by a long time. He could be dead before their kid is ten years old. He refuses to change his lifestyle.

Are we close? I would say yes, but we live far away from each other. You may be thinking that I have some possession issue, but that is not the case. I would love for her to be married to some decent guy.

(When their 3-year-old son is playing with his baby sisters' dolls right beside him:)
- Haw haw haw, he's playing with dolls, good thing my friend XX is not here to see this, I mean, I'M homophobic but he's even worse.

(Regarding their live-in au-pair from the Philippines:)
- I think it's a really good thing that we got an au-pair from the Pilippines and not from, say, Denmark. I mean, a Danish au-pair would have MUCH higher demands, and want more money. They'd probably have more friends over as well.

Wtf.

What's wrong with that? Nobody wants to settle for a slob.

You should call the guy up and say that.

Exactly, I wouldn't want a sister of mine marrying some fat, old, wheezing, ugly bastard. Seriously. Fuck that.
-- David Merryweather (i...), February 16th, 2005.

Yeah, you guys are right.. Capsule's sister should immediately drop that guy and just go shop for this adventurous, chivalric manhunk immediately:

http://www.collecttolkien.com/images/FigMattelKenDollLegolasDec2004$40.jpg

Is your sister more often in tears or more often in bliss? If the former, then I'd obviously talk some sense into her, and she's clearly making a decision that's not wise! I don't mean to project, but I hope she's not just finding the first man out there just because she thinks her expiration date for being a valid human being is up if she doesn't get hitched quickly. (the kids thing I can understand being more urgent about, since that is related to age, but still.. having kids with a potentially abusive father? Is that a good idea?)

Ok, I gotcha. Sorry - I obviously misunderstood your sentence, three posts up.

Thanks for your response, donut. Her emotions are a mix. I sense frustration sometimes - sometimes she expresses it aloud, sometimes she is silent. Does she have fun? Yes.

In her previous relationship, which lasted six years, her boyfriend was incapable of taking care of himself; she eventually wised up and dumped him. She will plainly state, though, that she was *happy* in that relationship. But, I think she realized that she could not have long term happiness with him.

Is it possible to have long term happiness with someone who belittles you? Total happiness - no. But total happiness is probably unreasonable. Day-to-day happiness - I guess it's possible. But if he is dead in ten years, then that obviously would not make her happy.

I know that I am applying my own, personal criteria for a "good relationship" onto someone else. I know that it is her own life. But it seriously *kills* me to hear her being insulted and belittled. If she can take it, well, I guess good for her.

Re: biological clock. Yes, she's hearing the tick tock.

Regarding her previous relationship, I told her that she should have had the foresight to realize that it wouldn't work out earlier on, instead of staying with him for six years (and it wasn't a casual relationship - they lived together) - his behavior and personality did not change for the duration. (Actually that was part of the problem - he didn't grow as a person and demonstrated no ambition in working toward something, improving yourself, etc.) I mean, if someone can't even house/feed himself, I'd think that after, say, a year (or two, or three) you'd realize that it's time to move on. The thing is (and this is the point I'm slowly getting at!) - she likes to take her time and work things out, slowly, hopefully, and optimistically. Working out problems is good, without a doubt. But I think that it is preferable to just *avoid* problems. Like, if her boyfriend said something insulting and she was upset and they worked it out and then made up, okay fine. But am I unreasonable in thinking that there are a lot of people who just wouldn't say the insulting thing in the first place? I told her to exercise foresight with her current relationship. It is unfair to speculate, but I can't help but think that she might have a signficant amount of regret, ten years from now. Will she regret having children? No, of course not. And she might push aside her regret and concentrate on the positivity of having children.

I want the very best for her, but I realize that "the best" is unreasonable to wish for. I just want her to find someone decent and kind, with whom she can spend many years with.

kinda seems obvious doesn't it

However I had a lot of people such as family asking me why I was still with him, and in defensiveness I'd always say everything was fine. Didn't want to admit I made an error of judgement I suppose.

I guess my point is yes, this guy does seem like an ass, and if she is going to marry him that is a concern if he keeps this shit up. She wont be happy. But sadly there may be no telling her this. She might need to realise it for herself. It depends on her, I guess.

Not really. Have you met him? I haven't. Based on the stories, I'm not betting anything on him, but I've known assholes become better people after being given responsibilities like kids. It's rare, but it happens. Unfortunately, far more people think it happens than it really does.