If your current self got in a time machine to visit your teenage self in the past, how would you react to meeting her/him?

My 20-something self, however, god, I would smack her upside the head and tell her to quit mucking about.

xpost

I'd also tell her to pay more attention to her education. Doing just enough to get by will make her complacement and she'll regret it when she's older. Oh, and I'd tell her to look after her teeth, she'll have hang-ups about it for ever.

Oh yeah, and stop dying your hair so much, you've given me bald patches!

2. When you split up with Leela 3vans at the end of your first term at uni, stay split up.

3. Just go into the family business when you graduate - it'll save 8 years of fannying about.

4. What do you mean, you don't like coffee? You fag.

I'd tell me not to fuck up my A-levels (well, I didn't really, I got 22 UCAS points but I needed 24 points to get into UCL!) and tell me to ask out the girl I had a crush on because in hindsight she probably would have said yes, but I was way too shy. WAY too shy. Maybe if I'd managed to get some confidence back then I wouldn't have been so shy and depressed throughout my late teens/early twenties (and beyond).

I'd also give me a big list of records to buy!!

I remember the day I learnt to do this and it coincided with the day I stopped getting bullied at school.

14 or so. "You may not think it now, but what your brother says about your parents being over the top strict until you turn 16 is actually true. And once you're 18 you'll be allowed to do pretty much whatever you want!"

16. "so it might seem bad in a teenage angst way that you're single and things, and this won't necessarily go away at any stage, but when you're 18 you'll go out so much it won't matter."

18/19 "get some kind of job, because you'll meet more people, be happier, have more money/less stress from parents. in 2 years you'll realise this. (admittedly with a better job)

see now, I don't, because like you have access to images of your past self and therefore can easily conjure up what you would do/say to that version of yourself. whereas, when you're a teen it's quite hard to imagine what you'll be/look like in 10 or 20 yrs.

then tell him to loosen up, develop some social skills, not to be intimidated by girls, stop listening to so much metallica, and read challenging things for gods sake.

i would say my teenage self had much less real passion than my current self. The "passion" of my teenage years was based more on lack of self esteem , angst, vague anti-conformity, and just plain stupidity.

I would also politely suggest that if he ever spent a week walking around wearing a maple leaf attached to his blazer label with a Daphne & Celeste pin, I would come back in time again and rip his fucking midget head off.

(that *was* in your Sinister days, right?)

http://djearlybird.blogspot.com/2005_01_01_djearlybird_archive.html

Scroll down five posts to "Back to The Future Part 4."

2. Mom knows you smoke pot. Don't bring the subject up and pass-judgement on stoners to try to throw her off the fact. It's patently obvious what you do.

3. Sy1via, Ph1l & Jon will still be good friends in ten years. N40mi will be a nasty burned-out ho-bag, and get over her. Seriously, get your head out of your ass, and get over her. She's not 'rebellious,' she's just loose. And the story she told you about her rape? More than 90% embellished.

4. Your english teacher TOM ANDREW (GOOGLE ME, BITCH!) IS a dick. Nobody believes you, because nobody has the capacity to understand how a psychologically-vindictive mustachioed shithead behaves toward a weird kid who threatens him. You'll be successful in a way that'll make him mega-jealous.

5. Jared Wasserman is going to sucker punch you on April 9th, 1998 in Jack Craig's class. You'll tackle him back (and really damn good) and you'll get in trouble for it. He won't. Instead of moping about what happened, just make sure to throw an elbow to his eye, because otherwise you'll be the only one with visible damage, and he'll tell Nick St. Jean (who tells everybody, as you know) that he kicked your ass. But he won't have one at all, he's a lying fuck.

Holy shit I thought he was talking about me there!

xpost, gah

Eventually....

1) Learn to take a joke, now. (OTM, dog latin.)

2) Find a sport that you can at least tolerate and learn to play it with some level of competence. People don't know what to make of a grown man who won't play a friendly game of basketball / softball / hockey / whatever for fear of embarrasing himself.

3) K---- is not your friend and is just into fucking with people to see how much he can play them off each other. Drop him before he gets you into trouble.

4) Make sure you develop your keyboard abilites as much as your talents at recording / composing / sampling / sequencing.

5) You and C------- are poison for each other. You'll be sorry that you lost your virginity with her. Don't date her, and if you do, don't try being friends after the fact.

6) Your parents' marriage is a complete joke and is going belly-up before your very eyes. They're your folks, and they love you, but you should really take a lot of things they say with a grain of salt, because there will be days when they can't see past their own pain.

7) Keep an eye on your brother. Just do it.

8) No one likes a know-it-all, and people won't always share your passions, so there's no need to lecture people at length about your favorite music / movies / TV shows, etc. If they take an interest in things you like, then, fine, you can talk about them, but you should really wait to be asked.

9) Dave Gahan's haircut looks good on Dave Gahan.

10) Rakim and Chuck D sound cool when they rap. You do not.

1. Not every comment made in your direction is meant to be taken so deathly seriously. These people aren't plotting your demise, they're merely joking. Learn to take the joke and laugh at yourself, and you won't be bothered nearly as much.

2. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you want to ask that girl out, do it -- what's the worst that could happen? She says 'no'? Big deal, at least you tried. She will never approach you. You must take the fist steps.

3. Relax. There'll be plenty of time later on to get hung up and histrionic. You're in your teens, why are you so angry? You have no idea how easy you have it -- enjoy yourself, for cryin' out loud.

got a question for ya, nothing vulgar this time, i promise

To my sixteen year old self:

All the romantic and existential stuff you think about is genuine, artistic, and actually meaningful and will serve you well as an adult. Unfortunately, when you talk about it as a teenager it sounds ridiculous, cheesy, and insincere. It's better for you to keep it bottled up - because it's embarrassing, and because the more you ruminate on it before exposing it to air the more full-formed, weird and interesting everybody'll find it. Think of your naturally, um, coked-out brain as (a) a gift and (b) a loaf of rising bread. And, proverbially, don't open the oven door until you're sure it's reached its height.

Hehe but seriously... I would tell myself that, actually, more people like you than you think, yes even BOYS. But your overwhelming fear of looking stupid is in fact making you look aloof, sarcastic, uptight, snobby and boring, so they will quite probably STOP liking you. Don't be so scared of everything. Hell, I should probably tell my CURRENT self that a bit more often.

Also, smoking pot will *not* turn you psychotic.