how do i get mormons to leave me alone

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i was nice to them once and now they come by all the fucking time!

― green uno skip card (ex machina), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:25 (twenty years ago)

join and then quit?

― f--gg (gcannon), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:29 (twenty years ago)

several years later, i mean.

― f--gg (gcannon), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:30 (twenty years ago)

show them the wikipedia page about how the book or mormon is a stolen text from the freemasons?

― green uno skip card (ex machina), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:32 (twenty years ago)

Wear garlic around your neck.

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:32 (twenty years ago)

Come to the door wearing a shirt that says "Joseph Smith was a pig fucker."

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:33 (twenty years ago)

http://www.i4m.com/think/jpeg/south_park_712_88.jpg

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:34 (twenty years ago)

dum dum dum dum dum

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Anything they talk about, lasciviously change the subject back to bigamy. "So, you guys do still have more than one wife, right? Oh, come one, you can tell me. Yeah, like any religion would give that up! So do the ladies rotate nights, or how does that work?" Etc.

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:37 (twenty years ago)

Unimaginitively, you could just say: I'm sorry, but I'm not at all interested in learning any more about your church and your beliefs, and I don't want to discuss it any further. Or: you seem very nice, but I have no interest in Mormonism.

― RS £aRue (rockist_scientist), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:41 (twenty years ago)

you have clearly never had them come to your door

― kyle (akmonday), Monday, 14 March 2005 00:50 (twenty years ago)

Whip out your dick and rub it on their literature.

― Remy (null) (x Jeremy), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:02 (twenty years ago)

Ask to see them in their skimpy secret Mormon underwear.

http://nowscape.com/mormon/undrwrmo.jpg

― svend (svend), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:07 (twenty years ago)

Appear at the door naked and fiddle with yourself. Shout "SATAN!" at the key moment.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:11 (twenty years ago)

Ask if it's true that Donnie and Marie were shtupping each other.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:12 (twenty years ago)

fellate them

― anthony easton (anthony), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:34 (twenty years ago)

Ask them if Mormons are noize.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 14 March 2005 01:51 (twenty years ago)

It is not illegal to answer your door naked.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 14 March 2005 01:56 (twenty years ago)

next time they drop by, make sure you're blasting some whitehouse on the system.

― fauxhemian (fauxhemian), Monday, 14 March 2005 02:01 (twenty years ago)

seriously though, as an ex-mormon i know this: don't engage them in any way. if you don't want to be mean about it, you can tell them they're nice kids but MAKE IT CLEAR that you don't want them on your property or contacting you in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. if you waffle EVEN A LITTLE BIT they'll take it and run with it--these guys are like fuckin white blood cells around an obvious pathogen.

― fauxhemian (fauxhemian), Monday, 14 March 2005 02:04 (twenty years ago)

what would happen if you told them you had to videotape them for security purposes?

― scott seward (scott seward), Monday, 14 March 2005 02:09 (twenty years ago)

possible copycat threads:
how do I get ------ to leave me alone
(morons)
(gorgons)
(marmots)
(mummers)

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 14 March 2005 02:53 (twenty years ago)

(momus)

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 14 March 2005 02:54 (twenty years ago)

My parents lived Salt Lake City in the 70s. Here are two ideas, courtesy of a friend of theirs who since moved away as well. Although, these aren't so much to get rid of the Mormons but rather for your own personal entertainment:

1) The Mormons believe that the President of the Mormon Church is in constant contact with God. So, when the Mormons came a-knocking he would invite them into their house. Then he'd say something like:

"You know, we used to live in Salt Lake City. (this would rouse their attention). Yes, we lived next door to the President of the Church. (yet more rapturous attention). But, the thing was, the messages from God wouldn't come down in a cylinder shape. They would come down more like a cone shape, and some of it would land on our house."

At this point, the missionaries' jaws were wide open (no one said they weren't believers) and his wife would come out and tell him to knock it off.

2) During the late 70s and 80s, a lot of missionaries came from non-English-speaking countries. So, they would have memorize their entire schpiel. If one of the foreign-born Mormons would come a-knockin, about 2/3 of the way thru the schpiel the husband would interrupt and ask a bunch of questions. This would totally fluster the missionary, at which point all he or she could do is start from the beginning.

Granted, I think this person had a lot of free time on his hands, but still, these are pretty funny.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Monday, 14 March 2005 03:17 (twenty years ago)

The pictures on teh Marmot thread are better.

― Jimmy Mod Has Returned With Spices And Silks (ModJ), Monday, 14 March 2005 03:42 (twenty years ago)

two years pass...

haha

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude ‫茄蕃‪, Thursday, 15 March 2007 18:37 (eighteen years ago)

http://theheretik.typepad.com/the_heretik/images/mitt_romney_092605_the_heretik.jpg

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, 15 March 2007 18:58 (eighteen years ago)

I must emit some heavy fuckoff vibes, cuz whenever they come to the door they ask about my wife but don't try to engage me. maybe she warned them about me.

I find silence & unbroken staring is often a good approach to personal relations in general.

― Edward III, Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:04 (eighteen years ago)

in my neighborhood they only go after you if you speak Spanish or tagalog.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:26 (eighteen years ago)

^ The J's Witnesses were like this at Flushing JMZ stop.

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude ‫茄蕃‪, Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:27 (eighteen years ago)

I used to have these Mormon missionaries come by the apartment. They helped explain the prophet flow chart by stacking dixie cups with cut-out's of the prophets on them into a pyramid.

― Pleasant Plains, Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:33 (eighteen years ago)

anyway, in response to thread question:

- ask them if that premarital anal sex is really all its cracked up to be
- after noting that their nametags indicate they are "Elders", proceed to refer to them as "Junior"
- ask them if they've ever been shot at while trying to flee the educational compound
- ask to compare their magical underwear with yours

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:33 (eighteen years ago)

possible copycat threads:
how do I get ------ to leave me alone
(morons)
(gorgons)
(marmots)
(mummers)

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra) on Monday, March 14, 2005 8:53 AM (2 years ago)
(momus)

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra) on Monday, March 14, 2005 8:54 AM (2 years ago)

(island momus)

― andrew m., Thursday, 15 March 2007 19:51 (eighteen years ago)

YOU KNOW WHAT actually, they have a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants that says if you offer you hand to an evil spirit, they won't shake it. Missionarios always start out with the handshake, so once I kept my hand by my side and said, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand." They got THE FEAR and immediately left. Exmos know all the tricks!

Alternately you could just send the very clear message, "I am not interested. Please leave and never come back."

― Abbott, Thursday, 15 March 2007 20:43 (eighteen years ago)

"ask to compare their magical underwear with yours "

Seriously, this would just lead to an epic discussion about beliefs, followed by a big lecture. That shit doesn't work. It just annoys them. I hate thje Mormon church & their tactics but these poor boys are working 14-hour days, underfed for the most part,a nd treated to insane brainwashing techniques. So they don't need any more shit from random wiseasses who learned a snippet or two hear and there about their totally fuxored dogma lol.

― Abbott, Thursday, 15 March 2007 20:46 (eighteen years ago)

"join and then quit?"

And this will get them to stalk you endlessly, way more than a potential convert. Jeez louise, you have to take the three-month process of getting your names removed from the records w/big threats of a media stink to get them to leave you alone.

― Abbott, Thursday, 15 March 2007 20:47 (eighteen years ago)

It just annoys them.

I think that was his point.

As for me, I'd just mutter something about the Adam-God doctrine.

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, 15 March 2007 20:51 (eighteen years ago)

but these poor boys are working 14-hour days, underfed for the most part,a nd treated to insane brainwashing techniques

That can't be true (except 14 hr days)

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude ‫茄蕃‪, Thursday, 15 March 2007 21:10 (eighteen years ago)

YOU KNOW WHAT actually, they have a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants that says if you offer you hand to an evil spirit, they won't shake it. Missionarios always start out with the handshake, so once I kept my hand by my side and said, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand." They got THE FEAR and immediately left.

This is awesome and good to know, thanks.

― marmotwolof, Thursday, 15 March 2007 21:35 (eighteen years ago)

Offer them gin?

― Hard like armour, Friday, 16 March 2007 05:08 (eighteen years ago)

I wish I had a mormon problem. Instead we get door-to-door hippie peace groups around these parts. I'm great at getting rid of religious wackos but not so good with the hippies.

― walterkranz, Friday, 16 March 2007 05:17 (eighteen years ago)

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