Another Anonymous (Post Break-Up) Advice Thread

i would decline the invitation by claiming a prior engagement and schedule a make-up belated birthday outing to catch up with your friend.

basically, don't put your friend in the middle and don't force yourself into a situation you seem to know that you're not ready for.

Option Four - decline the invitation and suggest another occasion to meet your friend and others you don't see enough of.

Don't go, it could well be horrible and especially don't round up a date because then you're putting THEM in the middle and pretty much guaranteeing them a bad night.

(xpost Lauren otm)

It's your friends birthday ans they would neither wnt you to feel unconfortable, or have a fight between you and him at her party. Equally forcing them to take sides is not fair. So claim a prior engagement and then meet up seperately to celebrate.

(X-post x-post)

Well that's three different cross posts advising exactly the same thing. You're sorted.

Invitation list? Heck, he might not even be going...

Option 2, with a check first...

How do I find out if he's going or not without either:

1) talking to him (absolutely out of the question)
2) directly asking the hostess if he has RSVP'd (thus putting her in the middle)

I'm not sure that you shouldn't be honest about the reason for not going to the party. First off, this may not be the last time that you and your ex are invited to the same event and it may not always be so easy to say that you've got a prior engagement. I think that your friends (and by "your" I mean the friends common to both of you) have a right to know if it's awkward to invite you two to the same events. What happens if someone has a party, you don't see the invitation list, and there he is?

Also, your friend could tell you if your ex is even coming. Maybe he was invited and can't go or will be out of the country and you are free and clear.

You can make it clear to people that this isn't FOREVER, but you just don't feel comfortable socialising in the same place as him right now. No big deal. Then make the other arrangements that Lauren and Matt so sensibly suggested you should make (and who doesn't love double celebrations, after all).

(xpost delete delete)..

exactly.

as to second query, i don't think you can, RPA: at least not reliably

it's likely the hostess has an inkling though, and will be understanding of a "prior engagment' apology w.promise of subsequent more intimate celebration (not least bcz if aware, she will also realise you are working to not spoil her party)

rpa: i think i was on that email list too (you can probably guess). i think in this case, if you let the hostess know the real reasons without making too big a thing of it ('i don't feel able to see him right now' rather than 'because he did this and that to me'), she'd be really understanding, and if it transpired that he wasn't coming she'd let you know.

also, trish otm re: future engagements.

: (

Future invitations from other friends is actually unlikely, as Birthday Girl is pretty much the only friend we had in common. (Ex didn't actually have many social friends. BG/Hostess actually introduced us.)

Hostess definitely has more than an inkling - we discussed it (not specific situation but why I have been avoiding places, gigs where Ex might be) the last time that we saw each other. She has been in similar plights and she very much understands.

I am very very very glad that she has been honest and open about the invitation thus allowing me to make my own choice (memory of recent event where this was not the case still rankles). I would like to be honest with her, but I have nothing but respect and affection for her, and the *last* think I want to do is ask her to take sides, or risk ruining her party.

I think that honesty is actually the best policy here, accompanied by the suggestion that we do something more intimate on a different day.

(Of course, the moral of the story is, never ever go out with anyone, ever, because it will only create social minefields when you break up.)

Works for me!

Ha, bizarre, I was in almost EXACTLY this same situation this week, except that my break up probably wasn't as bad. Still, I was feeling weird and vaguely worried about it. I'd ultimately decided I was just going to brave-face it, with the option of doing a runner if things went badly, and I'd also considered (but rejected) the idea of bringing along a date of my own. But I finally found out this morning that my ex won't be present after all (becuase her name wasn't on the second "reminder" email that went out to everyone who'd responded positively to the original invitation). In retrospect, I'm maybe even slightly disappointed by that...who knows, maybe everything would've gone fine anyway and then I wouldn't have to worry about things like this again in the future. Cos this way, yeah, it's still going to crop up again eventually. But hey.

Ha ha, this is the week of ex boyfriends, isn't it?

Guess what just turned up in my inbox?

Yet another ex-boyfriend is playing in Mark Gardener's backing band at Sonic Cathedrals.

That breakup was shattering and awful and world-destroying at the time (more because of gossip and scenesterism as much as how badly we behaved) but now I just look at it with amusement. I definitely just want to go and kind of laugh and say "introduce me to Mark Gardener, you twat! ha ha!"

I guess the moral of the story is "when you feel ready, you'll know."

I went to see this particular ex's band a couple of years ago, I experienced great trepidation, I forced myself to do it, and the whole thing was just awful.

Now I don't even have a moment's hestitation about seeing him.

Time is a great healer (unless you are dying of old age or have a terminal disease I guess).

If it will upset you to be in the same party as your ex, you need to know if your ex will be there. You can tell your friend why you don't feel able to accept, and that will mean you are truthful, you will be understood, and you will learn if your ex will be there or not. This is all good, with no significant downside. Yes, do make arrangements to see your friend otherwise, if the ex is going.

I agree that you shouldn't force friends to take sides, but in a large proportion of such cases they will anyway, and in those instances everyone generally knows which way it will go. It's not clear whether this case falls in that class.

I honestly don't think there was any side-taking or malice involved.

I still haven't made up my mind yet, as my best friend has suggested a good compromise (go early, leave early, look fabulous, don't drink) but perhaps I should still write the hostess and let her know my trepidations.

meeting ex at parties is totally a great idea - this is the chance for you to be there and be all friendly and nice, and nonchalant.

and thus feel GREAT about the fact that you're ex will be like "oh man i can't believe he didn't make a big deal out of it, i feel so worthless!!!!"

PWNED

YOUR EX. fuck my you're usage.

... which is today's T-shirt slogan...

these are so blatantly all written by the same person.

Huh? I know ILX is a hivemind but that is pretty silly...

Phew! This whole thing has resolved itself really really nicely.