Name the Next Pope!

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So there's all this speculation about whether he'll be Italian, or other European, or maybe (gasp) African or Latino. But what I wanna know is, what name will he choose?

Some possibilities:
Apocalypta
Inferno
Britney
Alcoholus III
(Not That) Innocent
Ludacris

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:28 (twenty years ago)

(All suggestions will be forwarded to the conclave of cardinals, care of the Holy See press office. But hurry -- they only have 15 days to make the selection!)

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:29 (twenty years ago)

Pope George Ringo I

― Paul in Santa Cruz (Paul in Santa Cruz), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:32 (twenty years ago)

Can anyone explain the process? How do you get from Karel Fialka or whatever to John Paul?

― rwillmsen (rwillmsen), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:34 (twenty years ago)

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:35 (twenty years ago)

Cliff

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:37 (twenty years ago)

In an effort to court the youth of America, he will name himself "Pope Justin Fiddy Playstation Portable I"

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:42 (twenty years ago)

Popey

― Paul in Santa Cruz (Paul in Santa Cruz), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:43 (twenty years ago)

Also under consideration "Pope Crazy Frog Ringtone I"

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:44 (twenty years ago)

Andrew Eldritch would make a good Pope. As would Michael Jackson. In fact, he'd fit right in.

Actually, I think Pope Gregory is probably an option. South Park ahoy!

― rwillmsen (rwillmsen), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:47 (twenty years ago)

The more I think of Michael Jackson seems to be the perfect choice. They're trying to get converts in exactly the countries he's still popular!

― rwillmsen (rwillmsen), Sunday, 3 April 2005 06:49 (twenty years ago)

http://www.memorygongs.com/spacepope.jpg

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 3 April 2005 07:42 (twenty years ago)

Theeeee Space Pope!

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 3 April 2005 07:42 (twenty years ago)

Haven't the last four been Paul, John, John Paul I and John Paul II (or something very similar)? If I've got that right, there doesn't seem to be all that much scope there.

I guess that someone with greater powers of logic than me could detect a pattern and say for sure what's coming next...

― Japanese Giraffe (Japanese Giraffe), Sunday, 3 April 2005 08:36 (twenty years ago)

The conclave is like a bunch of cardinals all sitting in a locked room right? Does anyone bring them water? Do you think there's hominy for the homilies? I kind of imagine it like an empanelled jury, with no contact allowed, and kind of stuffy and hot. I'm sure they've all been consolidating their positions for awhile, though. The next Pope surely must be a matter of whose faction within the concalve wins out, right?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 3 April 2005 09:17 (twenty years ago)

Dave

― Sven Basted (blueski), Sunday, 3 April 2005 10:23 (twenty years ago)

News reports keep saying "the cardinals meet in secret to decide the next pope". Not much of a secret if it's being discussed on the news is it? What they really mean is "the bastards won't let us televise it".

(Next Pope: Francis Arinze)

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Sunday, 3 April 2005 10:25 (twenty years ago)

onimo is right, and holy fuck does that scare me (its also an amusing, condi rice situtaion--you leftists have wanted more diversity forever, and now we get a black pope--and hes a facist asshole)

― anthony, Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:20 (twenty years ago)

actually its even better then that--because the hard left in the conclave are going for near dead, white european males and the hard left tends towards the racially diverese

― anthony, Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:21 (twenty years ago)

read right in the last half

― anthony, Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:22 (twenty years ago)

Daddy Pontiff.

― RS £aRue (rockist_scientist), Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:23 (twenty years ago)

dinotheodore one (1)

― Sébastien Chikara (Sébastien Chikara), Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:30 (twenty years ago)

http://ox.eicat.ca/~scarruthers/ilx/pope-dan.jpg

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:36 (twenty years ago)

(Sure, it'll prevent him from being the president, but I think it's a necessity that this happen.)

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:40 (twenty years ago)

Pope n00b
Pope Eye

― Frogman Henry, Sunday, 3 April 2005 17:41 (twenty years ago)

If Pope Dang isn't going to work, Pope Bootyflakes is an acceptable alternative.

Or Pope Blueberry Pious X.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 3 April 2005 18:15 (twenty years ago)

Pope Chocula

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 3 April 2005 18:39 (twenty years ago)

Xanax I

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 3 April 2005 18:47 (twenty years ago)

I'm amazed noone has suggested Pope Raggett I yet

― caitlin (caitlin), Sunday, 3 April 2005 18:57 (twenty years ago)

Raggett is only destined to be a Cardinal, though.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 3 April 2005 19:01 (twenty years ago)

Pope M'man.

― dave225 (Dave225), Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:11 (twenty years ago)

"I call the big one Bitey"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:16 (twenty years ago)

Pope Definitely Won't Live Past 2020 We Promise

― Aaron A., Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:19 (twenty years ago)

has anyone said "poparoni" yet?

if not, then i just did.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:22 (twenty years ago)

Pope Dasani

― Aaron A., Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:23 (twenty years ago)

Chris Elliot.

― shieldforyoureyes, Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:26 (twenty years ago)

Mel Gibson.

― Masked Gazza, Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:28 (twenty years ago)

pope goes the weasel
pope goes the world

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:42 (twenty years ago)

only a Mark E. Smith operetta can tell us

― Morley Timmons (Donna Brown), Sunday, 3 April 2005 23:53 (twenty years ago)

Pope on a Rope.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 4 April 2005 00:01 (twenty years ago)

papal tiger

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Monday, 4 April 2005 00:15 (twenty years ago)

Little Pope Pete

― Masked Gazza, Monday, 4 April 2005 00:16 (twenty years ago)

pope sandoval

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Monday, 4 April 2005 00:18 (twenty years ago)

Pope Matrix III

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 4 April 2005 00:20 (twenty years ago)

Pope Sandinmyfagina

― *sorry, Monday, 4 April 2005 00:20 (twenty years ago)

Pope Manidongus

― Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 4 April 2005 00:20 (twenty years ago)

Pope Sumyunguy

― *sorry, Monday, 4 April 2005 00:22 (twenty years ago)

Pope Don King

― Star Cauliflower (Star Cauliflower), Monday, 4 April 2005 01:43 (twenty years ago)

popebitch

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Monday, 4 April 2005 01:53 (twenty years ago)

Popegrrrl

― Matt Chesnut (Matt Chesnut), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:16 (twenty years ago)

Pope Pourri

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:21 (twenty years ago)

Pope Mohammed

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:25 (twenty years ago)

Pope Tart

― VegemiteGrrl (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:26 (twenty years ago)

Captain Jean Luc Popeard

― Matt Chesnut (Matt Chesnut), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:27 (twenty years ago)

pope trayce da nongoth

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:38 (twenty years ago)

I'm amazed noone has suggested Pope Raggett I yet

-- caitlin (wpsal...), April 3rd, 2005. (later)

Raggett is only destined to be a Cardinal, though.

-- Sean Carruthers (oneiro...), April 3rd, 2005. (later)

Oi. (My first act will be to smite the Back-Bacon Heretics.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:49 (twenty years ago)

paul john IV

― kyle (akmonday), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:52 (twenty years ago)

Sean John

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:54 (twenty years ago)

Pope Diamond

― latebloomer: strawman knockdowner (latebloomer), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:54 (twenty years ago)

there is no pope for us

― latebloomer: strawman knockdowner (latebloomer), Monday, 4 April 2005 02:56 (twenty years ago)

Obvious candidate:
http://chronicle.com/photos/v45/i31/t99040502.jpg
"So I say, 'Hey Pope'"

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 4 April 2005 06:27 (twenty years ago)

Pope Springs Eternal

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:43 (twenty years ago)

Pope On A Rope

― Sven Basted (blueski), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:47 (twenty years ago)

bzzzzzt
Repetition!

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:50 (twenty years ago)

pope pourri

― Ed (dali), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:51 (twenty years ago)

i mean, Pope On A Rope!

― Sven Basted (blueski), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:52 (twenty years ago)

Iggy Pope

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

[reposted from radio free narnia last year]

we live in an age with not one but SEVEN antipopes:

Gregory XVII, Pius XIII, Michael, Hadrian VII, Gregory XIX, Linus II and Valeriano I

(actually it’s possible some of them are no more) (i don’t know what’s up with the obvious gregory numbering glitch) (esp.as there seem actually to be TWO Gregory XVIIs if this is correct)

(big ups to valeriano since if yr gnna be antipope why not at least go with a non-canonic papal name?)

http://www.iconbusters.com/iconbusters/antichrist/images/392.jpg
(this is one of the gregory viis)

― mark s (mark s), Monday, 4 April 2005 09:54 (twenty years ago)

Pope Gwongettanabortion

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 4 April 2005 11:57 (twenty years ago)

do you recon these modern anti-popes pope all the time, or only on weekends?

― Ed (dali), Monday, 4 April 2005 11:59 (twenty years ago)

One contender is apparently a Belgian cardinal named Godfried Daneels, which is so close to WC Fields' curse "Godfrey Daniel!" he should get it. They could call him Pope Rollo.

― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Monday, 4 April 2005 12:45 (twenty years ago)

These modern anti-popes all seem to be "self-proclaimed". Which I think is great - "I AM POPE! HEAR ME ROAR!"

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Monday, 4 April 2005 12:46 (twenty years ago)

"it should be noted that in contrast to historical antipopes, the number of their followers is minuscule"

― pope dawnie lizard x (mark s), Monday, 4 April 2005 12:48 (twenty years ago)

(the number of my followers is uncountably large)

― mark s (mark s), Monday, 4 April 2005 12:54 (twenty years ago)

Makes sense, as opposed to old skool antipopes who nobody knew were antipopes until 200 years later.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Monday, 4 April 2005 13:00 (twenty years ago)

Popes-a-Poppin'

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 4 April 2005 13:06 (twenty years ago)

ihttp://www.drewmarlowe.com/pictures/brackets.jpg

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Thursday, 7 April 2005 00:43 (twenty years ago)

popeapalooza

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Thursday, 7 April 2005 00:43 (twenty years ago)

Frank swedehead of course

― Frank Swedehead, Thursday, 7 April 2005 06:30 (twenty years ago)

Bono of course, he killed the pope by playing zooropa backwards on loop to him so he could get his job.

― cavern (cavern1), Thursday, 7 April 2005 11:48 (twenty years ago)

Why do people always think Bono is a Catholic?

― Dadrock, Meshach and Abednego (Dada), Thursday, 7 April 2005 11:58 (twenty years ago)

He's not Catholic he is Oirish, like the lil ol lepper-recorns

― Frank McJengaFan, Thursday, 7 April 2005 12:00 (twenty years ago)

He's a dirty Proddy

― Dadrock, Meshach and Abednego (Dada), Thursday, 7 April 2005 12:01 (twenty years ago)

Pope Sandwich.

(just strikes a chord somehow.)

― dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 7 April 2005 12:04 (twenty years ago)

Hey wait, that dude in the photo above Mark posted just died as well! IT'S A SIGN.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:41 (twenty years ago)

― mark s (mark s), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:43 (twenty years ago)

“And then, as they watched him, what did he do but call out in a squeaky voice: “If Tim Toldrum is dead, then I'm the King of the Cats!’ And with that, up the chimney he sprang and they never saw him again.” (Story peculiar to Britain, collecteed Lancashire and elsewhere...)

― mark s (mark s), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:45 (twenty years ago)

'Pope Leo VI' II

Pope Leo the sixth the second.

I know it sounds wierd, but Leo VI was in the mafia. Why wouldn't any other pope want to follow in his footsteps?

― Aja (aja), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:49 (twenty years ago)

turns out there've been three gregory viis and one gregory xix

(the only gregory viii i found on the web is fictional)

― mark s (mark s), Saturday, 9 April 2005 21:57 (twenty years ago)

Hey Eisbär: Did you notice that your chart includes one Ted Crilly of Ireland? (I'd previously heard that bookies had been quoting odds on Dougal McGuire as Ireland's candidate.)

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:11 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, PaddyPower.com the bookmakers put odds on Ted Crilly being the next pope up as a joke (1,000/1), and apparently some of the US newspapers have reported it as a genuine "quirky smalltime underdog" possibility to the papality.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:18 (twenty years ago)

Hahah. That makes me so happy.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 9 April 2005 22:22 (twenty years ago)

According to The Washington Post on Tuesday, gamblers can back Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Italy at odds of 11 to 4. "Or they can take their chances on Father Dougal Maguire of Craggy Island, Ireland, a long shot at 1,000 to 1."

http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=8102647

― James Mitchell (James Mitchell), Tuesday, 12 April 2005 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Pope Snowball III

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 12 April 2005 10:38 (twenty years ago)

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