Hello- Please find attached you reports. Regards, Kate

I *like* the repetitive, boring bits of the job. Me = masochist. The bits I don't like are the things that don't happen very often, because I never know what to do to sort them out.

Going there

See, the mathematical functions of reporting, I don't mind the repetetive aspects of. It's writing those bloody emails.

I HATE putting the email title as the body, but I find myself having to:

TITLE: ET Reports for week 13.
BODY: Here are the ET Reports for week 13.

xpost: Can't you write a report that automatically emails itself?

If I do that, I don't bother with a message body; it's just subject / sig / attachment.

Yes! Exactly! I try to rearrange the wording a bit, like:

Title: Flash Reports 06/04/05
Body: Attached please find your daily flash reports for yesterday.

but that's just more typing.

x-post - they like having the "personal touch" of a human being at the end of the email. It's one of our Unique Selling Points or something.

I thought this thread was going to be about typing "you" instead of "your," which I myself seem to do all the time.

Blimey, I didn't even notice that. Usually I have autospellcheck in Outlook to correct my typoons. Though I suppose it wouldn't have caught that one.

I have many macros. All along the lines of 'you left your x in the centre yesterday YOU MORON I will keep it for you to collect' and 'the following new materials have now arrived and are on the shelves at x'. Sending the emails is still quite boring though.

Kate, add a "On this Day in History" section to your emails.

Dave, I actually quite like that idea. Maybe an "on this day in advertising history" would really annoy people.

I have my most common emails stored as stationery so it's just a matter of filling in the blanks and hitting Send.

Ooh yeah. Or a hilarious 'calculate your age by chocolate' exercise such as the one I was sent the other day.

explaining how our FTP system works (which works much like yousendit, but i thought of it first)

explaining to ppl that they have no right to be on a mac as they are clueless about any of the basics of working with design applications, and could they please tell their line managers to fucking well employ people with the skills to do the job

I think my bos would come down me like a tonne of bricks if I tried that. They're not keen on frivolity round here.

I'm sure you can write something that adds something that *looks* human-generated to the report emails.

(I had to write a report generator, recently. I was bored, so made it put a progress bar on screen that checks to see who's running it, and, if it's someone I like, displays silly "hidden messages" in the title of the progress bar window)

Robster: I *hate* trying to use stationary in Notes. My boss wants me to somehow modify the mail templates to force specific stationary on to all new memos. Bleah.

I am really sick of proofreading.

I'm intrigued. How do you calculate your age by chocolate?

I have to write 'facilities' an awful lot and I never ever get it right first time. faciltirs, facilties, faciltis, facilitis, faclitiies. Hopeless.

Aha! It's just one of those tedious 'think of a number' games, but MY maths certainly isn't good enough to figure out how it works. Shall I paste it here? Oh alright then:

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
> >
> > It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you
> > read..
> > Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it
> > out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's
> > fun.
> >
> > 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
> > you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but
> > less than 10)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 4.. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
> > calculator.................
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add
> > 1755....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you haven't, add 1754 .....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > You should have a three digit number .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The first digit of this was your original number (i.e.,
> > how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The next two numbers are ........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO
> > SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

I wonder if I can invent a random typo generator macro (which also intersperses random friendly terms typical of me, such as calling people "Dude!" when I am admonishing them) to make automated emails look more human.

1755 + 50*5 = 2005

change the regards bit everyday

kind regards,
best regards,
regards,
disregards,
retards,

petards,

It does only work this year - but to make it work in the future, just increase the number in step 5 (which should be the year of your last birthday minus 250).

(xpost)

I try to alternate "regards" with "thanks". I had to force train myself out of saying "Hope yer groovy!" so perhaps I should start using that at work as well.

I am also tired of bugging other people to proofread.

1.
Subject: Your Am*zon M*rketpl*ce order (Artist: Title)

"Hi, thanks for your order. I shipped it today via First Class Mail.

Best,
etc."

2.
"Hi, here's the first proof of your ad for the upcoming issue of P****** S*******. If you have any changes or corrections, please email me back as soon as possible.

Best,
etc"

If I know the advertiser on a first-name basis, sometimes I'll close with "Bestest wish,"

Kate, I've reduced my message for faxes and emails to "Please see attached." I'll put the title of whatever it is in the subject line, so it ends up being longer than the body of the email.

Personally, I'm getting kind of tired of greeting everyone as they walk in. Ha ha - I'm a receptionist. But I have to be smiley and say, "Good morning!" "How's it going?" "Would you like something to drink?" "Let me tell him you're here." "Isn't it beautiful out??"

I went through a week-long stage of ending emails with "Thankski thereski muchski budski," but I soon stopped.

To: P.H.B.
CC: My Elbonian Minions

Status:
We did work when you were within earshot. The rest of the week was spent talking about Lord of the Rings musical and Dr Who. The client can suck it.

Best Regards/Lick My Great Gate of Kiev
Mr Noodles

With some of the people I talk to every day, I've started saying silly things like "thanks a bundle!" and "if this final report ain't right, I will EAT MY KEYBOARD!!!"

"Thank you for your email. We will be pleased to send you a letter of invitation for visa purposes, but can only do this after you have registered and paid the conference fee. This is on the advice of the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office..."

I'm fed up of having the explain the disclosure requirements under the comp@anies @ct to clueless comp@any directors all day.

I kind of really enjoy typing so I finish all my emails with like "If you need further information or assistance please do not hesitate to contact me at extension whatever" or something equally unnecessary and verbose. Every fifteen seconds I spend on inanities is 15 seconds I'm not staring at the clock willing it to hurry the fuck up.

It's 15 seconds I could be playing freeciv against the sqa department.

Oh my god, I can no longer put it off. I have no other excuses or reports to do. I have to get out the Pet Aligator Database and start working on it. Sigh.

"Dear

Thank you for your email. I'm afraid we don't represent publishing rights at all, so we won't be able to consider your work for representation.

Good luck and best wishes,

Barry Lasagne"

"Please find attached private patient data for last week."

I just change the date in the subject box so I can just reuse the same email again. This could bite me on the bum the time I forget to attach the correct week's report though.

However often I change the default, I always need to produce a file that uses different settings - Registration on/off, offset 6pt/n.a., symmetrical bleed @ 3mm / page items only, OPI off, spreads ticked/unticked, produce blank pages ticked/unticked...

kae, how many of these reports do you write?
does anyone actually read them?

I put together about 20 reports a day (from about 50 subreports that I receive.)

And yes, every single one of them gets read by someone or other - especially on the rare days that I make mistakes, cause then I get angry phone calls!

No-one reads the reports I do. I spend all day writing queries, running queries, making charts - and no sod reads them. The boss thinks that everyone below reads it, and everyone else thinks the boss reads it, so no-one bothers. It's most demoralising.

It is the avriety here that gets me down. And going to the bank. And students. They get me down. Sometimes. Its nice today. They are on holiday. Yay!

I think it would be better if no one read my reports - I would feel like a minor Gabriel Garcia Marquez sub-librarian.

But no, alas, lots of high powered advertising execs pour through my reports with a fine-toothed comb looking for why the conversion rates are too high/too low/fluctuating with lunar cycles, etc.

(I had to google to find the proper spelling of his name, as well. But first, I turned to my boss, asked "What's the name of that blind Spanish novelist who always writes about libraries, Marquis or something?" to quite humourous oblivious blank stare.)

I just pulled off the speaker arm from my phone headset by accident. I wont know if it works until I phone someone up. Erk.

Wheeeee... I've just had too many crazy Dutch cookies. I just called one of the tables in my database "aligator".

WHat the hell is thsi aligator database? Are you marketing pet alligators?

Variants on this:

We have to let you know that unfortunately a large number of the readings you provided do not seem to have reproductions of the copyright notices from the original texts. We do require that the copyright information from the original texts be provided, as without it we cannot scan the item in accordance with UC fair use/copyright policy. If you could provide copies of those notices as quickly as possible, that way we can scan and upload the items. Further information about this policy can be found here:

http://www.lib.uci.edu/services/reserves/UCICopyright.html#additional

http://www.lib.uci.edu/services/reserves/citation_copyright.html#notice

This has mostly been this year, though. Next year I'm sure it'll be a new mantra for a new policy.

No, I just call it my "pet aligator" as in it's this totally useless database (I think it's to do with T3l32 customers who cancelled) that no one else wants to take responsibility for or do anything with, since the person who commissioned it has left. It's totally fuX0red, doesn't do what it should, and whenever I'm really bored at work, I take it out and give it a walk. Like my pet aligator. When it should really be flushed down a sewer already.

Man, these Dutch cookies are GREJT!!!

I was thinking of bringing some "dutch cookies" to work, but it'll cost me a tenner for um . . dutch ingredients. I figured I will on my last day.

Or do you really mean cookies from Holland?

Heh, I mean actual cookies from Holland (I suspect actually South Africa, but can't tell, as two colleagues have just got back from Holland and South Africa about the same time). We may be lax at the advertising agency, but we're not *that* lax!

OK, that was enough playing with the Aligator. Someone else gave me something to do. Updated anticipated call stats/media schedule for a charity. Hurrah.

dutch cookies sounds like some kind of variant of soggy biscuit

No, Dutch cookies are DELICIOUS. Seriously, the Dutch invented the cookie. (How do they spell it? Koekjes or something?) Leaves biscuits in the dust. Especially the Strupwaffels or whatever they're called. Mmmmmmmmm.

These are especially amazing.

Stroopwafels oh my GOD, the yumminess.

From: Tombot 64
Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2005 10:08 AM
To: Chrisbot 36
Subject: Required Absence

Sir Airman 64 reports I will be not in the office on the April of the 19th of a 2005 due to a requisitioned attendance by me at a muster duty screening session in Jackson Hole, Wyoming where the Air Force Reserve Personnel Command has required I be to assess how I have kept up on my Parachuteless Drop training at the journeyman level and to make sure I still have both of my thumbs in working order and can hold a pen. US CODE TITLE 10 Subtitle E PART II CHAPTER 1209 § 12319 says I have to do it and I checked it and it says I have to do it. James L. Playford is a Colonel and he says also you have to let me do it but he did not say where is that legislation. Actually it is not in Jackson Hole but I was wondering if I could have a plane ticket to Jackson Hole because I am pretty sure they won't think to look for me there.

Tombot 64
IRR status until 25 Aug 2007
Which is 870 days from now

Also yesterday when I got a request from one of our other lead managers I started my response with "This is stupid." and hit reply-all. They love me here.

So can you hold a pen?