Latest In A Line Of Occasional Logged-Out Misery Threads

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Inspired in part by where does this idea that you'll never have sex or be in a relationship OR be randomly fancied again come from?, but mostly by events in my own life the last few weeks. Me and my Other Half split a few weeks back, just hitting a wall of accumulated tension and trouble that seems insurmountable. I think we could get over it, but it would take work, and I think my Other Half is too drained by work and everything else in their life to commit any more effort to the relationship.

So I am torn, between missing my Other Half, bemoaning that we aren't even trying to fix our problems, thinking about how she is, in most ways, perfect for me, but also wondering about people I know who I've had feelings for, but not expressed them, because I was in a relationship, and wondering if I could/should/would want to pursue them now.

And I feel bad, because I'm wondering if this is a betrayal of my feeling's for my recently and regrettably ex-partner, if I'm not purposefully shopping for a rebound fuck that will probably misfire and blow up all in my face, if I'm not just a fuck-up in essence and therefore best removed from the Dating Game altogether.

Some perspective, please?

― Logged Out, Thursday, 7 April 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

Er, you are not logged out.

― Leon WK (Ex Leon), Thursday, 7 April 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

Don't overthink it. Take your time. Do not sleep with any exploding women (trust me on this one).

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 7 April 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

Give it time, let it settle, sort your own emotions out before jumping into any kind of rebound thing. I'm sorry, but that is the best advice I can give you. It really will ultimately make things worse if you rush immediately into something else before your own feelings are a bit more... settled.

I'm really sorry to hear this, and I really hope that you are OK - if you need to talk, feel free to email me.

― We Are All Full Of Kate (kate), Thursday, 7 April 2005 14:59 (twenty years ago)

I removed your login name.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:00 (twenty years ago)

You are not a fuck-up. Long-term relationships are hard and not for everyone.

And in re: "betrayal" -- you are broken up. There is no betrayal. You are a free dude.

Look, the only way to get rid of a temptation is to succomb to it. It is ok to fuck up, to have bad experiences, to go out and be free and have it blow up in your face! You will learn from ALL of that.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:00 (twenty years ago)

And, as someone who has experienced both your good and bad sides, you're definitely *not* a f*ckup. You know me well enough to know how honest I am about that sort of thing!

― We Are All Full Of Kate (kate), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:01 (twenty years ago)

This is all normal, but I'm not sure there is a universal perspective-altering solution out there. It's almost like a rebound fuck is a good thing, I think. The misery can be drawn out for years until you feel like you're "past it" when you're really not (just used to feeling worse about yourself) and then the next relationship becomes your extended rebound fuck, but it's all needy. I'm talking out my ass.

― Lemonade Salesman (Eleventy-Twelve), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:01 (twenty years ago)

It would be odd if you *didn't* now consider taking those roads not taken while you were in a relationship. Everyone does that I think.

And while I don't think you should *seek out* new sexual experiences immediately, there's also nothing positive about deliberately *avoiding* them if the opportunity presents itself.

Chances are that nothing you do in the aftermath of a break up will be a particularly shining example of human potential, and NOR will it make you a bad person or a fuck-up.

It's a rough time and you have to just get through it any way you can really.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:16 (twenty years ago)

I didn't say "don't do it, not ever" - I just think it's probably a good idea to let things settle for a while. How long "a while" is can vary - could be a few weeks, could be a few months. But give yourself some breathing room to recover and remember who *you* are before you rush into another relationship.

― We Are All Full Of Kate (kate), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:18 (twenty years ago)

what about rushing into a non-relationship?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:19 (twenty years ago)

I know I was much more disturbed when one of my friends announced his intention, post-breakup, to fall in love again as soon as possible, than I would have been about random shag intentions. I don't know if either are that great really, but what is?

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:23 (twenty years ago)

Look, the only way to get rid of a temptation is to succomb to it.

Eh, no.

It is ok to fuck up, to have bad experiences, to go out and be free and have it blow up in your face! You will learn from ALL of that.

Also no. Or the thing you might learn is that you now have one less friend.

It's not clear, logged out - Are you talking close friends that you feel for, or hot record shop girl?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:24 (twenty years ago)

Control and restraint and not taking your frustrations/romantic issues out on another person, casual or otherwise.

Not that I'm saying that's what Logged Out is doing. But it is a danger. And it's not fair to the other person, or yourself.

What harm can be done by waiting a bit, and potentially not ruining something which could potentially go somewhere?

― We Are All Full Of Kate (kate), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:25 (twenty years ago)

x-post and I just want to be plain that I'm talking about my *own* experiences here, rather than trying to project something onto LO's intentions.

― We Are All Full Of Kate (kate), Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:25 (twenty years ago)

massive xposts:

thanks kate, it means a lot. and yes, taking this all out on someone else is the last thing i want.

other persons include casual acquaintance with whom i had magic chemistry but who lives across the atlantic, a close friend who has intimated no-strings physical things if ever i'm inclined, a friend who i've always felt close to, been attracted to, and who, if i were to date, it would be Serious (so am putting that one on the backburner till I'm level)... a wide plethora of inadvisable and unwise targets. I'm not even really intending to pusrue any of those, since almost every one would screw up what remains there now - i'm more acknowledging shameful lusts and crushes, i guess. but i even feel guilty about day-dreaming about it, like it invalidates how i miss my other half.

my other fear is, i don't even know if i could have a casual relationship. i've never had one before, and i feel wary of getting into anything deep or long-term for a while.

― logged out, Thursday, 7 April 2005 15:36 (twenty years ago)

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