The ILE Panto

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Apologies to Grinches.

I'm casting the ILE Panto. Audition and impress. What part do you want? I also need help with the script. I suggest an amalgam of normal Pantos and anything else you can think of: 'Aladdin, Peter Pan and Dick Whittington get lost in the Woods with the Three Bears and the Dunedin cru' or similar. I expect a story of similar complexity and beauty to the ILE office.

I think Nick Dastoor should be Aladdin, and I (as the anti-Dastoor :-)) should be Nebuchnezzar. I also see Ned as Buttons, for some reason.

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

New answers for old! New answers for old! Oh no they're not! &c.

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

We need panto dames, btw. Sarah Starry, are there enough stripy tights to go around?

― Wil, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

can i be the one with the red sparkly shoes oh pleeeeeease Will? i can provide my own stripey tights!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I have the legs and pot bellly for a good widow twanky. We need the chuckle brothers as guest stars, they'd do some 'amusing comdey with a plank and a bucket of confetti.

― Ed, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Katie - you're aGIRL. Panto dames must be boys! Lend your tights to RickyT!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Bags I the back end of the cow.

― Madchen, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Right, if panto dames are boyz, can I be a suitable candidate for the naive Dick Whittington, as every time down the CITY I am just outraged by your behaviour?

― Laetitia, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Of course, Laetitia! In the crazy gender-bending world of Panto, girls play boys and boys play girls. Whose behaviour outrages you in particular? We can cast him/her as the boo-hiss villain!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OK then i am gonna be Peter Pan as i am shiny-eyed and naive. i'm still gonna have the red sparkly shoes though. i'm gonna be DISCO PETER PAN! i'm gonna be a gay woman in a boy who never grew up's body! i'm gonna be DISCO POPPY Z BRITE PETER PAN oh i appear to be foaming at the mouth.

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well if you are Peter Pan then I am Captain Hook (afraid of the crocodile whose kids I et) - and I am assisted by the S Club 7 Pirates. My favourite is Hannarrrrrrrrrrgghhhh!

― Pete, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

THis is an over18's Panto, so what about an Green Fairy Absinth Tinkle to stand by Peter Pan, Kylie-style? Please,please,please!

― Laetitia, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i will kick yo sorry asses to never-never land and back, pop pirates! have at you! etc.

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Absinthe Fairy will be excellent! A great companion to Miss Darcy's Tinkerbell!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

*hic* i luuuffsh the idea of absinthe tinkahbel. she'sh gorrrrrgeoush... S CLUB SHEVEN! come on then bring it on, i'll whup all 4 of your shorry ashhes...

― disco petahpan, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

God, a drunkard in the cast. Will someone take her to her dressing room and get her cleaned up? ;-)

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

What will the public think? Call yourself an actor? Will, call the understudy.Your days on the boards are through!

― Jonnie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

On second thoughts, we need a professional. Does anyone have Christopher Biggins' phone number?

― Jonnie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Who can I call? What can I do? There are no agents awake at this time in the afternoon! Jonnie - there's only thing for it. What size tights do you take? I'll even let you wear Spurs colours...

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Biggins is doing Cinderella in Clacton. I called his bastard agent. I mean Cinderella the show, by the way.

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Darling, t'was the role I was born to play.

― Jonnie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You see what happens if you don't keep up a professional attitude, Miss Grocott? I run a tight ship. You had your chance. Now you'll be in that Mark Goodier show 'Whatever Happened to...', chain smoking and drinking whisky and spitting 'that should have been me...' and looking like Bette Davis.

Oh, all right then, I'll call you back for second round for auditions. Should I give Katie a second chance, boys and girls?

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

English people are weird.

― Sean, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i've said it before, and i'll say it again, cos it's such a brag: when i was 10-ish i was in Cinderella at the Darlington Civic as a pageboy with my friend Simon. We held cinders' train at the encore/finale and came in before the interval on the coach and horse (well pony). it had the krankies and stan boardman in it!

― Alan Trewartha, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

dahling dear heart, if i'm going to have an absinthe fairy as a sidekick it's absolutely essential that i do some background research in the effects of absinthe. background, dahling, background!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

In that case I want to be the WHISKY tigXoR fairy.

― Sarah, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

come along Sarah, we shall conduct our research at Thresher's... William, Equity will hear of this!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OH... NO... THEY... WO-O-ON'T!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

come on, everybody - OHHHH YES THEY WILL!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OHHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY WOOOOOOOON"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

BEEEEEE-HIND YOU!!!

― Alan Trewartha, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS THEEEEEYY WIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Alan, I almost certainly saw that, we used to go to the civic most years, and i certainly saw the krankies somewhere...further proof that there are only 70 people in the world

For my audition piece all i can say is "70 miles from London and still no sign of Dick" (also i know all the words to "why does a red cow give white milk when it only eats green grass" for the songsheet at the end)

― CarsmileSteve, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i was having fun there Alan! but lo, what is this behind me? take that, Pirate Hannah!

― katie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO they WON'T, will they, boys and girls?

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I tried instituting panto calls at the gig on Wednesday but it didn't catch on in any way.

― Nick, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i always call out wrong. i'm so indie.

― Alan Trewartha, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

But Hark! What's this? Articulate Alan and Candid Carsmile have broken into the Castle and have posted SENSIBLE posts with REAL WORDS. Boo! But I have my Sword of Silliness and Truncheon of Twee

What shall I do, boys and girls? What shall I do?

Its Friday afternoon and I've been at the sherry!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

well baron hardup's got pissed as a fart and fallen over in the wings after groping one of the dancers. good night, and i'll see you all outside NOW. (or tomorrow in ver bets failing that)

― Alan Trewartha, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh no we won't!

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well, apart from the Bets bit.

― Will, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I wish my boss would fcuk off so I can go home and research for my whisky fairy role DAMMIT.

― Sarah, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

So me,naive of naives, going to town and falling into the arms of a sexy piquant Whisky Fairy...it starts to sound so close to reality that this is going to become a kitchen sink panto

― Laetitia, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I wish to be the phantom of the opera. Or someone EVIL, and rise outta the of the stage.

― james, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I cannot act, sing, or remember lines, so I should probably be hidden at the back somewhere with no lines or anything. Please can I wear a cat costume? Oh please please please? I have a spangly green sparkly plastic top-hat somewhere, if that seems an appropriate thing for a cat to be wearing.

Actually, I am dead short, have red hair, and own a big green coat, the aforementioned green hat, and - thanks to previous fancy-dress parties - a fake red beard, so if you want any leprechauns I may be useful. I could throw chocolate coins at the audience and stuff. I can't do an Irish accent though. Perhaps Ronan should say all my lines from offstage. Or perhaps I should have no lines and just wander on at random intervals and throw chocolate at the audience. Mmm, chocolate. Mmmm, green sparkly hats.

― Rebecca, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Actually, I would now like to play the piano. I could write some songs?

― james, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

only if you can print the lyrics in 20 feet high letters.

― Jonnie, Friday, 7 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

ten months pass...

What happened to good ole Will anyway? Did he finally seduce Helen Baxendale and go off and live the high life?

― Sam (chirombo), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 11:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it too late to audition for this year's production? I'll consider any part, as long as I can wear something pretty and sparkly!

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

We could of course incorporate this idea into the already agreed Xmas Karaoke session, so that we could render top pop songs of the modern era in the style of the late, great Peter Glaze on "Crackerjack."

― Marcello Carlin, Tuesday, 22 October 2002 14:07 (twenty-two years ago)

i'll play any characters with broken teeth. can't think of any, though. an ugly sister?

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

if we do the panto, can I be the supposedly kindly old relative who is looking after the nubile heroine but who is actually planning to marry her in order to acquire her fortune (and her ripe young flesh)?

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Mr McKenzie was living the high life in Paris last I heard.

― RickyT (RickyT), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.poopoochoochoo.com/kitties/boots.jpg

DO YOU SEE!

― Alan (Alan), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

That'll be Peter Glaze, then, DV.

Kindly don your Billy Bunter specs, undersized tweed jacket and comedy deerstalker, turn to Mark "Don MacLean Yes I Had A Bath This Morning" Sinker and say: "I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want..." etc.

ktee can be wee jimmy krankie, and tom e can be the crush a grape bloke.

― Marcello Carlin, Tuesday, 22 October 2002 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

[*laff*laff*laff*laff*laff*]

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry - I've only skimmed over the previous posts.......have we got a pantomime cow yet? I'll volunteer for one half, if you like - or are we using the horse from Rentaghost this year?

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 17:37 (twenty-two years ago)

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