ILX Documentaries presents... Trading Places: Varg Vikernes and Ol Dirty Bastard

i have always wanted to say this...

i knew this was a moley thread.

cut to: funeral ceremony in sunny cemetary. there are many many attendees - most of them young blacks dressed in expensive white suits or skin tight dresses. they appear to be having a good time.

the camera flies past as if airborne and in slow motion. it catches faces smiling rather dreamlike. it descends past grave diggers waiting with shovells and past the burly black priest (who looks like...james brown) and towards the figure in the coffin.

close up: the "corpses" mouth mouth grins bearing some stunnin gold fronts.

This SO not going to work.

Great concept ... unfortunately, the next time I am visited by my creative muse, I must channel my energies into the Kraftwerk/Colplay/Yello thread.

OK, just a couple of lines:

[cutback to Varg's cell. He is writing the intro for his next manifesto. Soundtrack: whistling wind + metallic scraping. Pausing to munch on a bite of moist, delicious cake (flavour: the darkest chocolate legally allowed in Norway), he returns to his writing. The camera gradually closes in on Varg's face as he writes]

Voiceover (in Varg's voice): There is no need to remind you that the Judeo-Christian scourge is dominating over our Nordic minions like never before. Our rich, one thousand year old culture is being overrun yet again by Norway's Jewish multitudes. The lessons must be learned in the hardest possible manner, as always, the cold steel of the dagger is our only recourse. Had I not assumed such a recourse for myself, it would be me -- not Euronymous -- whose spirit of death would be haunting that staircase. The dagger would now reside in MY skull, MY blood would have spilled into a thick red river, seeping down to the landing in its gravity-fed manner. I did not what I was compelled to do, but rather, what I was obligated to do in the name of reclaiming ourselves, our very souls and cultural livelihoods, from under the jewel-encrusted thumbs of the church and their Jewish pawns.

However, after much careful thought, I have realized that cannot fight the church with just our Nordic deities and ourselves. They have become too powerful, too rich and they control all the media. This is a difficult concept to accept, but it was necessary to reconcile myself to this over a period of many years. I now believe this to be a self-evident fact and anyone who disagrees with this notion should be instantly shunned due to their obviously Jewish behaviour. We must align ourselves with the only people on earth who can empathize with our repression and appreciate our deep musings of mysticism. What has brought about this change? Simple -- I have been profoundly inspired by a recently published book, known cryptically as "The Wu Manual" ...

{camera slowly recedes, slowly panning out and recentring upon the small window in Varg's cell. It is snowing terribly outside, whiskers of white blowing snow over a pale grey sky]

Kenneth Branaugh's voiceover: Once again, dark philosophy runs deep through Varg's blood. Evil can only beget more evil. The Wu-Tang Clan have no idea ... they have no idea of the viciousness that is in store for them ...

A small dark room. Two men of the church (one who looks remarkably like..James Brown!) are looking despondant. Another man is gestculating fiecely. The fourth is looking askance.

Rza (3rd man): the muthafucka what?

Gza (fourth man): disappear like smoke up da flue nigga smarter than you beat yall at a game playin machiavelli seen his face on da telly - dint ya? an you all laugh...time ta beat anutha path

Rza: breathe nigga

James brown lookalike: ahm sorry gents. he's gone. we can't know where.

Kenneth Branagh (KB): Guns, violence, kung-fu in futuristic settings, and day-to-day living in the 'hood - it's just another day for Old Dirty Bastard.

(we see ODB making an omlette)

KB: Two very different men, two very different lifestyles, two countries on opposite sides of the earth. What would happen if they traded places?

*Cue: Theme song for Trading Places. A frank Sinatra clone croons over a full swing band -

Each of them is not like the other
So many new things for them to discover
Different lives and different faces
...they're trading places!

(etc)

Scene - Varg in the studio with Wu-Tang, playing a home Casio organ. He is coming up with a medieval melody loosely based on an old Norwegian folk tune.