Personal Ads: C/D

In the newspaper?

Yes, in the local newspaper

I will find tonight's copy and post some example ads here, so you can see what sort of people advertise in it.

Based on what I know from my female friends who have done it, and based on my own infamous experiments, I would avoid craigslist. I hear match.com sucks, too.

nerve.com/theonion.com/salon.com personals seem like the best bet. But be careful about who you meet, write back and forth a few times before giving out your contact info, and if it feels "off", don't meet 'em.

my female friend went on craigslist and posted how she wanted a fuckbuddy. she got like 400 responses and we had so much fun sifting through the photos to pick one out. they met and she had a good time!

"good time"?

multiple good times.

The problem with, say, nerve.com, is that last time I looked on it there were only about 2 or 3 people on it within 50 miles of here.

maybe if you're real specific, like this one in our paper today, it could be an answer to your prayers:

"ISRAELITE MAN, 57, 6'1", 165 lbs., dark red hair, hazel eyes, quiet, 21 years praying for answer to the vision of a beautiful loving relationship with a special slender lady, light hair only, name of Glenda. Please write Ollie P.O. box 91, Pyatt Ark. 72672"

(xpost) nice.

OCEAN SENSUALITY w/ an OLDER WOMAN - 36

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-6#######@cr@igslist.org
Date: 2005-04-18, 10:22AM PDT

Thank you for looking at this posting. I love the company of older women. Always have and always will. I appreciate the life experiences, the accomplishments, and everything else that goes along with it. I'm a 36 year old, that looks great, is in great shape, socially and culturally aware, stable in all respects and ready to get to know and possibly (if we connect, if not we can be friends)start a companionship with the right woman. The ocean is an important part of my life, I'm in it and around it most everyday. It is a sensual and essential part of my existence. If you understand this we already get along great. I am generally attracted to women between 36-60ish (little younger, older not a big deal), attractive(even in her own right), active(physically)and for the most part enjoys just being. If you have a/or kid(s), that is totally fine, I get along great with them. The only thing that is really important to me is that you live close to SM,(between Marina DR area- Malibu area) I feel that accessability is important for both sides. Pretty much covered all the bases. If you feel you fit or think you kinda fit, email me! Send a picture if you want!

...Remy?

one thing it might be worth bearing in mind: tho it's kind of a vicious circle, maybe it would be better to build confidence via counselling (if needed) and finding new friends who share some interests before looking for someone via personal ads as in romantic pursuit. it sounds like this is the ultimate goal (tho it's not necess. the guaranteed key solution to all problems) but one step at a time and all that...

It turns out, the local paper claims to have a dating website as well as print ads - but if you look at the website, it's actually common to all Daily Mail-owned local papers. Here are a few samples of the print ads, though.

Women:
Separated 52 year old female, medium build, 5ft 2ins, seeks an honest male for days out, friendship and possible relationship.
35 yr old female likes pubs clubs, single mum of 3 looking for friendship at first.
Claire 22, easygoing and fun loving, likes cuddles and kisses, mother of one, seeks a male for friendship, maybe more

Men:
26 yr old male looking for an older lady, 40-55, to share good times.
Caring male, 39, 6ft 3ins, brown hair, blue eyes and medium build seeks a female, 27-43.
Slim male, 31, 5ft 9ins, attractive, looking for an older woman.
Single dad of 3, 28, seeks caring loving honest lady.
Andy 35, working, likes going out at weekends and seeks good times. Single mums welcome.

Needless to say, they don't have MfM or WfW sections.

all the people within 50 miles of me on personal ad sites are AWFUL.

I'm kind of suspecting that the same applies to me, Mandee.

they all want to grab life by the horns. I'm not into that.

"grab life by the horn" has worrying connotations in the personal ad context, i feel

I've made a fair attempt at online dating, but I've had nothing come of it except for a couple of very good friends and the memories of loads of people who misrepresented themselves, although it was probably unintentional.

esp. if that phrase is accompanied by a winky face

i totally agree with stevem. it might be hard or seem pointless because it's not a direct way to what you want, but you have to just start doing what you can and have patience.

personal ads seem the worst idea actually. they *seem* easy - you just state what you want and someone answers, but 99% are form letters from someone who only got as far as 'female' and thought 'perfect!'.

Hurrah! Good reasons not to do it are exactly what I need! :-)

I'm always impressed by how many women refer to themselves as a 'goddess.' "Lovely Ebody Goddess," "Spiritual Goddess seeks Hero for Life Journey," etc. Confidence is sexy, true; but if these women were truly goddess material, would they be haunting singles message boards?

The essential point that judges stigma towards personals. I think there a valid argument that this is an argument that is less and likely since there are good reasons why a goddess is using such means other than 'because she's not really a goddess'.

Most gay men I know have gotten laid off them. More than that, not often.

i think i have a personal up on some site, BUT ITS HIDDEN!

Eh. Maybe I'm in a minority, but personal ad type deals really aren't the end of the world. I mean, what do you think things like myspace and Friendster are when you're meeting new folks off them? Finding true love off of one...probably not going to happen. A new friend or someone you can hook up with and never see again if you want...more likely.

isnt that really what the whole internet is anyway?

my entire run on ILX has been a thinly veiled attempt at pwning wank material.

Does that include the anal sex thread?

yeah, that backfired

no pun intended

Deny it all you would like, but this whole site and the like IS/ARE, in whatever guise, a singles page.

no.

i disagree.

Caitlin,

I would say that, if you have any major self-esteem issues about your looks/physical self, then it's probably a good idea to think twice about trying online dating. I went through a period a while back of trying my luck at it, and in fact, all of the women I met were intelligent, attractive (even beautiful), and basically "as advertised" (awful phrase, but you know what I mean I'm sure). With any one of them, I would've been interested in *exploring* something, at least -- but none of them reciprocated my interest*.

It was hard not to feel that the dealbreaker for all of them was the way I look. I think I can be pretty charming with the written word; out of all the women I wrote to while I was dating online, I got interested responses from all but one or two, which I think is a pretty good %. The phone conversations I had with each of these women, prior to meeting in person, were thoughtful, fun, and felt good. (I'm told I have a nice voice, too.) The dates themselves even went well -- well, the very first one was a little strange, but after that, they were good.

But without exception, when it came time to take things beyond the platonic...nothing. All the while telling me, mind you, how smart I was, how "much we had in common"...one woman went so far as to say that if she were only physically attracted to me, I'd have had to fight her off to keep her away, she liked me that much "as a person". (A backhanded compliment if there ever was one.)

To be fair, I didn't have a picture posted on my profile, partly because I didn't have a good (or even passable) one, partly because the idea skeeves me out a bit (what if my ex sees? what if my friends see and make fun of me? etc.) and partly because, quite frankly, I generally find looking at pictures of myself to be a painful experience. So these women didn't really know what they were getting, physically speaking (though, to some degree, neither did I: actually, most of them were *prettier* than their online picture!).

But if anything, that makes it worse...maybe I can't relate to the female perspective, but in my universe, if I were that into someone as a person -- their mind, their humor, their spirit -- then they'd have to be pretty UN-attractive for me to not even want to consider being romantically involved with them, to categorically rule it out. Which, consequently, makes me feel pretty shitty about the way I look.

The thing is, in real life I've done rather better (though not anything near as well as I'd like). It's not that I don't think people are attracted to me; sometimes -- once in a while -- they are. But I think that my appeal is a rather niche one at best, and people who know they want what I have will seek me out (well, they used to, anyway), whereas if I present myself "blind", I'm going to strike out for the most part.

Also, I think people are more charitable in real life, in a way...it's a terrible analogy, but I find myself thinking of buying CDs online vs. in a physical store: you tend to be much pickier about what you buy online, whereas sometimes in a store, you can make a blind impulse purchase, buying a CD that you might not have guessed you would've enjoyed, but that turns out to be unexpectedly dear to you. Plus there's the whole element of serendipity -- people like to see their lives in terms of narratives of lucky chances, things that could've come THIS close to not happening. Online dating lacks that element to some extent; it has a self-consciousness that can inhibit people, a presumption of romance that colors your interaction with a person. (How many of us have come to see someone in a completely different light after months, years of knowing them? Waking up one day and realizing, "My God, how did I never realize that ______ is so beautiful?" I certainly have.)

(Plus, there are a lot of terrific people in the world who can't write or spell very well!)

One more thought: when I'm not beating myself up about my looks, another possibility that comes to mind is that online dating seems to attract people who have a very specific vision of what they want. Sometimes this is tied in with their own self-esteem issues, or sometimes they just prefer to live in fantasy ("Someday I'll find a guy on one of these things who looks just like Johnny Depp"). The sad truth is that the older we get, the more likely it is that the "good catches" -- beautiful, intelligent people who are emotionally ready for a relationship -- will have already found someone to be with, leaving a dating pool that's peopled heavily (I don't claim exclusively) by individuals who have major physical or personal flaws that help to explain their singlehood.

*[Well, I did make out with one of them, but she called me a week later, in lieu of a proposed third date, to say that she "wasn't feeling the spark" and was bailing out. Unfortunately, she was the one I liked best out of all of them -- not to mention the fact that she was the first new person I'd kissed after ending a five-year monogamous relationship. I was pretty much crushed -- I *really* liked her...]

I guess my point is this: I've seen you post things before indicating that you had deep insecurities about your looks. I've never seen a picture of you, but no matter what you look like, I can guarantee you that there's someone out there -- many someones, I think -- who will be able to look into your eyes and find you beautiful, and vice versa. But for those of us who are "unconventionally attractive", personals dating may be an experience more brutal and disappointing than it's worth; it may be better to take that energy and put it into counseling, or into meeting with someone who can speak frankly to you about what you're doing that does and doesn't work, on whatever level.

On the other hand, it may well be that by putting oneself into the meat market, it creates the possibility of getting spotted by the person who goes, "Aha, I've been looking for someone with a glass eye, dark brown teeth, and a complexion that looks like raw salmon! We will go yachting together, make love for hours, count my millions, and play backgammon!"

Also, if you're not very proficient at reading people's cues, or if social situations are generally difficult for you, the written word may be a more comfortable place from which to begin. Me, I'm reasonably comfortable in those contexts, so...

Some of the most beautiful women I've ever met have been so insecure about their looks that their POV infected mine to the point that I wound up not being into them, in "that" way, at all. So however fantastic you imagine your personality to be, logged out, keep in mind that your fixation on good looks and how you supposedly don't have them will shine through. Remember the story of the ugly casanova who could talk any woman "past his face" in 15 seconds flat. The reverse happens, too!! You have no control over the actual form of your face so just fucking forget about it or you'll be doomed to turning off people who might have been interested.

I also disagree with "the good ones being taken" thing. Maybe that's true if you're looking for people who are either lucky or easily satisfied.

Good's subjective.

Whether you are truly ugly or not (and you probably aren't), every online personal ad should include a picture. That's 99% of the medium's advantage over newspapers. And really, looks are important! I'm attracted to certain "types" more than others, and I don't mean fat vs. skinny, or anything like that. I don't like big gummy smiles, for example. That's stupid, but it's true. But lots of people must love them, or else Julia Roberts wouldn't be around.

Even a bad picture is way, way better than nothing.

That reminds me: the last time I looked on nerve.com for people in this area,* the only one with a picture was a surgeon who lived 40 miles away and had posted a picture of himself stroking his very expensive car. I didn't think it put a good shine on his personality, frankly.

* admittedly, this was a few years ago, when I didn't actually live here

Personal ads depress me because they remind me that essentially we are all beasts of the field, noses in the trough, attracted to uncontrollable primeval attributes.

What especially depresses me is the amount of women who advertise for "tall" men ahead of any other characteristic they might possess. Makes personal columns read like recruitment adverts for the Metropolitan Police.

i'm not anti personal ads at all. in the past, i've used them for two reasons, one of which will probably come off as shallow/strange.

the first is pretty straightforward. twice i've moved to new cities and known nobody. both places (chicago and london) had the advantage of having tons of listings in different magazines/websites, so i had my pick. i went on several dates in each place, some were not great, some were really cool. BOTH times, though, once i got out of the 'i don't know anyone here and i'm feeling slightly sorry for myself' mode, i met someone else in real life that was even better than anyone i'd met through an ad (by this i mean things 'clicked' better, not that they had a nicer car, in case callum is reading this), and we dated for a while. i think it was just that being out and social and happy was a good thing generally, and made me more attractive/confident/approachable or something.

the other way i've used the ads is when i've been in the mindset similar to the thread about thinking nobody will ever want to date you again. just seeing lists of hundreds of people that are looking for someone to date sometimes made me feel better that maybe just one of them would want to date me, and i him. which sounds weird, i suspect, but i guess it was when i wasn't ready to actually date anyone, but just felt better that there were options.

i don't know if either of these will help you. i agree with what other people have said, that it's important to have your confidence up before you can expect anyone to love you (that sounds so self help i'm making myself sick, but it's kind of true). but there's loads of ways of doing that, and maybe going out on a date or two will be the way to do that? i guess a big problem will be if there's not many places you can look around you, although i second the onion/nerve personals as a good first choice.

i've got a condom in my pocket.

no shit.

i'm so wet.

it hertz.

daddy's chair, j.r. lewd

take me

i'm a frequent flier millionaire

you're australian, aren't you?

i just pissed

"sugar cane alley" imdb

sugar walls

such tilework

such greed

such escrow

such escrow

ethan dork hawking directed that. i didn't see it

was it good?

got a/c to work :D

acdshe

Clearly there is nothing to do but abandon this thread completely. I don't know if you'll get any satisfaction out of my saying this or not, kacka, but you're an idiot and an asshat.

My guess: kacka is a noize dude. Fuck every single one of them in the nostril, ferreal, except for JW, who seems pretty decent, surprisingly.

nar it's not noize dude style

Isn't it? Perhaps there were innovations of asshattery that we were not informed of.

Or perhaps I've grown overly suspicious...

don't leave me hanging! you've grown overly suspicious what?? tumors? magnolias?

Penises. Extra penises.

and here I was secretly thinking it was testicles. what i fool am i.

thanks for the aide but i'm familiar with what a penis looks like

Just making extra sure.

my thread has died :-(

holy fuck

i saw the german!

that german!

that german holy fuck!

GOOD NEWS is on NPR!!!!

the NPR/NPC merger is ON!!!!

ahhhhh!!!!!!!

arrrrghhgaougaeroitjraelffhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG i just came so hard

my cake has come undone

its gluten is intact

it is.

send it to the softserve.

i just pasted an amtrak pamphlet to the wall.

people.

banter!

i need banter!

give me marin canter from the loveless

she's 40+ now and i bet her titties are still great

i ate spiky beef today.

www.albion.edu

127 Jump Street

doods?

I know this thread has been damaged, perhaps fatally, by multiple postings from an asshole and an ill-judged picture, but I wanted to say that I've found online dating sites really good. I'm not attractive, and have had experiences like those of the logged out poster, but by no means every time - I do always include a picture of me, as I figure that if someone is going to find me unattractive, I'd rather filter them/myself out at the start than after several emails and meeting.

This isn't particularly intended as a recommendation to you, Caitlin, but if you are interested I highly recommend www.loveandfriends.com.

Was that the site you couldn't remember the address of when we were talking on AIM at the weekend?

ha, no - that was quite different!

Oh, hang on a moment. This place is COMPLETELY different to any other web site on the intraweb in that WE only try to get into each others knickers because we attempt to speak intelligently about current affairs... err, music and shit.

Some of us have had affairs some of us haven’t... the insentive that is.

F.A.P anyone?