Let's talk a little bit about when you go into a public loo and there is some guy taking a seriously loud bowel movement and it's so distracting you can't even pee and in fact think you might throw up

P.S. Hilarity abounds with the amount of people registering my nom de plums. Fantastic! Keep it up.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

I thought it meant something else.

They should put Michael Stipe on boxes of Kashi in the future, I think he'd make a good spokesmodel.

I was on a ship to Bilbao once, & it was a "rough crossing". I went for a piss, and whilst in the lav I could hear people in the cublicles puking up. that was about as bad, I suppose.

*Never use a public loo unless utterly neccessary (i.e. when drunk and need to pee)

*Never sit on a public loo

*People who shit in public loos - GROSS. I don't wanna hear it. I still remember this guy in Singapore who must have had serious problems. Yuck - those noises will never leave my head.

I used to feel this way about toilets when I was young but now I just don't care. I shit loud and proud and talk to unseen strangers while doing it. If there's some geek trying to conversate in the doorway I don't say shit, I just smash right through them and if they say anything I'll just get them thrown out.
-- LeCoq (LeCoq), Monday, April 18, 2005 2:44 PM (2 years ago)