is it ok for friends to bitch about each other?

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if friends spend a lot of time with each other, is it healthy for them to bitch about each other when one is absent? does the time spent complaining when one isn't there enable them to tolerate each other's flaws when the other isn't around?

from my experience, i would say that the closer (certain) people are, the more they complain about the other one. with a casual acquaintance, they would probably not know them well enough or spend enough time with them to grate on their nerves.

do you bitch about your friends? does it help keep you sane?

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:42 (twenty years ago)

yes and yes!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:49 (twenty years ago)

i agree, except that with some people it doesn't take hanging out with them a bunch for them to grate on my nerves. those people rarely make it past the acquaintence stage though.
i have two best friends. if one of them isn't around, sometimes we bitch about him. I don't feel bad about it and I assume they bitch about me when I'm not around. I have yet to meet someone who's worth hanging out with who doesn't annoy from time to time.

― ()ops (()()ps), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:52 (twenty years ago)

bitching is part of the love process.

― The Sensational Sulk (sexyDancer), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:53 (twenty years ago)

it's so much better not to have any friends!

― brody the country girl dalle (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:54 (twenty years ago)

if friends spend a lot of time with each other, is it healthy for them to bitch about each other when one is absent?

Only if they both know they're bitching about each other. Backstabbing is rubbish.

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:55 (twenty years ago)

backstabbing is malicious
bitching is just resetting your moral compass

― The Sensational Sulk (sexyDancer), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:56 (twenty years ago)

but maybe the point of bitching is to vent frustration when the person isn't around - and not doing it in front of their face where it may seriously upset them and damage the friendship. i don't think bitching is the same as backstabbing, regardless of whether the other person knows - though it does depend on what is being said.

(x-post)

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:59 (twenty years ago)

i was just thinking of the weird mental network i have in my head regarding which friends i talk about with which other friends (talk to x about y, y about z, and z about y and x, etc.), and how i talk about them. it does matter both morally and practically. practically because two friends may end up meeting independently, or hanging out with you at the same time. morally because there comes a point where i don't think complaining about someone you're close to is appropriate if you're not telling that person. either something really bothers you or it doesn't. these days i try to keep thoughts and complaints about my friends to myself. i dunno, it's just the mood i'm in.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 22:01 (twenty years ago)

i say nice things about my friends to other friends all the time, i should add.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 22:02 (twenty years ago)

bitching is perfectly fine! in fact, one test of whether you're really good friends with somebody is if you can feel comfortable bitching about them and their annoying habits.

― latebloomer: strawman knockdowner (latebloomer), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 01:04 (twenty years ago)

Gosh, I'd think differently. But then again I can't really think of any friends' annoying habits much in terms of those I hold very dear -- if anything I tend to be self-critical instead!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 01:06 (twenty years ago)

my small group of very old friends does this. but it's more in a sense of making fun of foibles since we know each other so well. all in good fun.

― ryan (ryan), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 01:09 (twenty years ago)

man, i'm always talking about people i know. maybe it's gossip or shit-talk, but it's my way of figuring out how people and social situations work. sometimes it's worrying about someone, sometimes it's wondering if i did something wrong or if they did. it helps me figure out how i feel. i'm not sure why it's wrong if one is smart/sensitive/honest about it. anyone's free to talk any shit about me out of my earshot.

― lolita corpus (lolitacorpus), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 04:48 (twenty years ago)

yeah I would expect I'm bitched about just as much as everyone else, considering the amount of bitching that goes on when I *am* around.

But especially okay when one of your friends is in fact being a complete arse anyway.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:17 (twenty years ago)

I'm gonna be the descenting voice here. The answer is no - it is NEVER acceptable to bitch about your friends. If you've got a beef with them, then tell them. As a friend, they'll stop doing whatever it is that winds you up.

Bitchingabout anyone when they're not there is unacceptable, esp. friends, and if I ever DO do it, I feel really bad about it afterwards.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:20 (twenty years ago)

exception being when your friend is being a stubborn arse and refuses to listen to anyone when they try and confront him on the subject

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:33 (twenty years ago)

mistake in my opening post:

"does the time spent complaining when one isn't there enable them to tolerate each other's flaws when the other isn't around?"

"does the time spent complaining when one isn't there enable them to tolerate each other's flaws when the other IS around?"

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

ption being when your friend is being a stubborn arse and refuses to listen to anyone when they try and confront him on the subject

With friends like these . . .

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

we tell ourselves it's just a phase..

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 09:59 (twenty years ago)

One thing you have to watch out for is when person A starts bitching to you about person B, and A & B are closer friends than you are with either of them. You have to know your place then. It's like when a girl starts moaning about her boyfriend, you can't just say, "I know what you mean, the guy's a total dick". Keep things nice and neutral.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 10:35 (twenty years ago)

I think it's natural and not wrong, provided it's not malicious. Sometimes it's helpful to know something- like friend A takes ages to e-mail me back, but he's the same with friends B & C. So it's not just me then!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 11:13 (twenty years ago)

I would guess (from how we already talk about each other) my friends probably bitch about me for:
How I'm very stubborn
'Struggle' to return phone calls
Don't eat properly
Refuse to learn how to drive a car

I could go on but I don't want to assume too much. But it doesn't bother me, I'd be surprised if any group of friends didn't discuss this sort of thing. Maybe we need to do this so that we can all figure each other out as a team, bouncing ideas around (as to why said person does what he/she does) and then finally resulting in the group having a linked understanding of itself that makes the 'tribe' stronger.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 11:31 (twenty years ago)

I don't do this at all with my 8 or 10 best friends. There are a couple where others of us might have 'isn't he hopeless!' type conversations occasionally, but they aren't much different from the kind of banter we might have in person, mostly. Nothing is remotely like bitching - that happens only about people we don't like, who are only tangentially part of our social circle. I can't imagine bitching about most of the people I love best. I can think of ten offhand where that is completely inconceivable.

Being who I am, I assume they all bitch about me when I'm not around, because I think I deserve that, but I've never picked up anything to suggest that's true.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 11:49 (twenty years ago)

There can be a 'wall' in any regular relationship (including friendship) when your delight in their virtues fades before your annoyance with their vices does. If you get past this, then you have a friend.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 11:59 (twenty years ago)

Actually gossiping is healthy and natural because it bonds people and it's also about *power*: by gaining information, you can *use* this to establish stronger bonds/status in your circle.

― nathalie doing a soft foot shuffle (stevie nixed), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 12:03 (twenty years ago)

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