"MERRY KOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! ZEE POOSSYHORSE! JOO LYEKIT??"... or screenplays dictating the encounters with the homeless that make you love the city you live in

stence, while I would humbly offer others' stories here as well, I'm happy to make this thread the one.

(I don't know which bus story I should post on this thread - homeless guy w/pants falling down? lunatic w/paper bag full of vomit? shirtless/toothless drunk man leering at little girls? the pimpfight? the sea hag vs. the kids from the projects? angry retarded asian sister won't get off the bus?)

btw I love public transit.

This top one will be a hard one to beat.

But I do remember this one from last year. On my way to work (Scott: this is the 26-->39 bus if you're keeping notes), I was sitting in the back of the bus. Sitting near me also were:

* a very dressed up young urban professional woman reading Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead
* a disgruntled dishoveled large bald man

These two start to interact:

MAN: Great book you're reading.
WOMAN: Why, thank you!
MAN: What inspired you to buy it?
WOMAN: Well, I was talking to some friends at work, and they recommended the book to me, so I went to a bookstore, read it through, it looked interesting, and NOW I can't stop reading it! It's fascinating!
MAN: (pauses) Yeah, it is interesting, I'll give it that! (smiles)
WOMAN: (smiles back)
...
WOMAN: Ah, that's my stop!
MAN: You have a good day, madam
WOMAN: Why, thank you very much. (smiles)
WOMAN: *gets off bus*
MAN: *turns to me*
MAN: WORST FUCKIN BOOK EVER WRITTEN!
MAN: ...
MAN: But SHEEEE was FI-I-I-NE!
ME: *Proudly ROFFLES on bus, gets off at my stop*

interior: yes we are here

me: whats that smell? christ what are you drinking?

interior: drinking?

me: its smells like...petrol! are you guys drinking petrol?

interior: yes. with orange juice. whats it to you? fuck off!

me: *sniffing* are you smoking too? you're fucking drinking petrol and smoking??

interior: when we smoke, we smoke with care.

Junkie #1: you know that song, "heroin"?
Junkie #2: "heeeeeerooooooiiiin.... it's my life" yeah! who does that?
Junkie #1: uhm I forget, it's um (tries to recall for several seconds) Lou Reed! he's great maan, I've been trying to learn that song forever.
Junkie #2: Lou Reed, Lou Reed... he played with Ozzy Osbourne?

EXT. 7-11 - NIGHT

GEAR walks across the lot to his car parked around the side of the building.

SUDDENLY...

A bearded, grim-faced DERELICT rushes up to him, KNIFE in hand.

GEAR
Hi!

DERELICT
MONEY! NOW!

GEAR
I'm sorry, I've got none--

The derelict slashes Gear across the throat with one swift motion, dropping him to his knees. Coins fall out of Gear's pockets and clatter onto the pavement.

GEAR (cont'd)
gurgle....

DERELICT
JACKPOT!

The derelict runs off into the darkness, leaving Gear on the ground, barely moving.

FADE TO BLACK.

Man #1: "Hey, do you have 36 cents? I need to make a phone call."

MAN, who looks vaguely homeless and/or mentally ill.

MAN is listening to a portable radio tuned to a talk show of some sort. We are all stopped at the lights.

MAN (to me, in a paranoid hiss): Hey... can you hear those voices too? I hear voices!
ME (looking down at his radio): Uh...I think its your radio man, you have it on.

MAN looks at his radio in bewilderment, and crosses the street.

ME: looks out window, sees man in business suit crouched in gutter.

MAN IN SUIT: stands. his pants are around his ankles. scrabbles around on side of road for empty chip packets etc and wipes his bum with them. pulls up pants, tucks in shirt, straightens tie.

Late on a saturday night --

Likely paranoid schizo man in his 30s/40s pacing back and forth in the PATH station, mumbling something about "the feds" and wearing two pairs of pants -- the outer ones unbuttoned and unzipped.

Man (to himself): "Pull up your pants stupid! Which ones?!"

Enter MAN WITH TONS OF ANIMAL TAILS STAPLED TO THE BRIM OF HIS CAP-- FORTY OR SO, MANY SPECIES. MAN WITH TAILS also carries a STAFF.

MAN WITH TAILS: GODDAMN! khg ckjhgzc NAZIS!
OLD WOMAN WITH EASTER POSSE: [averts eyes]
MAN WITH TAILS: [to passing delivery man] YOU NAZI FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!
MAN WITH TAILS: [to lady walking in front of me] GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING NAZI MOTHERFUCKERS!
ME: [ steps inside a store to watch excitedly but from safe distance]
MAN WITH TAILS: [ to minty-green minivan with windows down-- two KIDS, ages approx. 9 and 11, staring in wonder] MOTHERFUCKING NAZI KIDS!

Right across the bus pathway from our waiting bay, on the grass near the curb, between the bushes and flowers, in full view of everyone...

Two Canadian geese loudly and proudly fucking.

I need more moments like this in life.

Anyway, to my right is this Thai kid with a bandana, and (I think) his mom sitting in front of him. This kid is, in a word, weird. He'll just burst out laughing at things he sees outside "HAHAHAHAHAH YEAH IT'S LIKE WHEN CLOUDS LIKE THAT IN THAILAND THERE'S LIKE A LOT OF THUNDER HUH? AND LIGHTNING HUH? HAHAHAHAHAH..." and then starts to have a conversation with his Barney The Dinosaur doll, while simultaneously recording his conversation with Barney on a recording walkman. He also, several times, starts making fast waving motions in front his face going "PEEEEWWW HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU EAT A LOT OF CHEESE HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAH I MEAN CHEESE TASTES GOOD BUT MAN HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAA". He's basically announcing to the entire bus that his mom farted -- several times. (even though I was closest and couldn't smell a thing.) His mom just pretends that she doesn't know who this kid is. (for all i know, maybe she wasn't his mom!)

Keep in mind that all conversations on the bus stop when he says anything, because this kid is LOUD! And his bursts of dialogue/activity come and go like white and black.

Anyway, the climax of this substory... we're approaching Fremont, a major exodus for about half of the bus, including myself. There are three indie-ish teenagers near the front.. two guys and a girl, but they all look the same.. no big surprise there. The girls' phone starts ringing. It's some sort of music, but it's hard to tell because of all of the peripheral conversations that have resumed since the last blast from the kid. Half of the bus is standing up preparing to leave.. immediately after this girl's cell phone rings.. the kid goes "HEY, IS THAT N'SYNC??!!!" and that's it. EVERYONE on the bus goes quiet. He stares at her looking really excited, obviously not meaning to embarrass but earnestly curious, in his own special way, if her ring sound was actually N'Sync. Her two friends start cracking up, (and admittedly I start losing my shit at this point too). She, however, looks unamused. So, the bus comes to the stop... she gets up.. turns around -- hence stopping everyone else from wanting to get off this goddamn crowded bus alfuckinready -- and tells the kid "It's *NOT* N'SYNC!...... it's OF MONTREAL!".. She whips around, turning nose up, briskly prances to the bus driver, flicks her transfer, and clops off the bus.. with her two indie guy friends behind her looking slightly embarrassed but still roffling.

Everyone else on the bus now starts chuckling in a "WTF was THAT supposed to mean?" sorta way, and the kid pokes his "mom" and yells "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO MONTREAL HAHAHAHAHH WE SHOULD GO TO MONTREAL HAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT GIRL IS FROM MONTREAL HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

Guy at hoagie place downtown this evening, while banging on their windows and flailing his arms:

"HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!
HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!
HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!
HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!
I FOUND THIS IN YOUR TRASH! (holds up scrunched up brown paper bag)
HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!
HEY, HOMEBRO - WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT, AMERICA?!?!"