Book Proposals

Yes, I do. But I couldn't really think of it in terms of fun anecdotes. Main features:

a) adopting unconvincing slick corporate type lingo to 'sell yourself', promise vast sales to imaginary constituency of readers, etc.

b) readers' reports: people paid to say nasty things about you. One makes damning comments about chapter 3, other says Ch 3 is great but ch 5 is terrible. I find them physically hard to open / lift / read. Awful comment last year said I couldn't write and quoted sentences out of context - almost made ME feel I couldn't write.

c) guessing who readers (anonymous) are. One very critical goofball typed a sheet saying 'Be sure to cut my name off when this is sent on to the author': it wasn't: he looked bad. Etc.

d) Did actually succeed with one proposal. Problem now = writing the darned book.

Thanks Pinefox! Responses in order:

a) Depressing stuff; as a child of the 90s I seem to have an innate ability to churn out the requisite buzz-words; I've met enough publishers to know they fall for it -- the readers may well be another story.

b) I can well imagine. This sounds like my examiners -- 'I thought your material on X was dull, but Derek likes X, so he thought it was OK.' Me: 'And?...'

c) One of my friends had both his phd and his book proposal scuppered by one particular academic with a grudge, not against him, but against the subject matter of his work, despite it being such a small field that anonymity is virtually impossible. Having a particularly vituperative style, his 'anonymous' comments were entirely transparent.

d)Congratulations. RAE-tastic!

Contributed to a bk that was published by Aurum. I'd say the key thing is to have somebody on your side at the publishers - someone who'll champion the book at meetings, keep the project moving, who basically won't let yr name/work drop off the radar. Stay on their case! And if it's an illustrated. non-fiction title, I'd also say sort out any copyright/repro probs. as quickly as possible - have had a couple of things scuppered by not securing permissions quickly enough (in my experience, publishers understandably nervous abt copyright infringement issues - again, a good pic editor/rights person on yr side will reassure them that everything will be ok.)

Oh, dear. I could be here all day and I've got stuff to do.

My first publisher is now London's finest and HE was brilliant for me, but there are a lot of people working in publishing companies in other non-editorial departments who are there to say no, not yes. They are a lot more likely to be patronising about Who Reads than actual readers (or us lot). Even if you've been previously published to acclaim, it can be hard. Basically, you've got to look objectively at what you're writing as a piece of commerce, not as a piece of art and come up with lots of sales points. Use your writing skills to avoid a game of Bullshit Bingo. If the editor really wants to make it happen, they'll make it happen because after it gets round-tabled they're the one who makes the offer.

I'm not so sure about academia but if there's some eeejit trying to roger you sideways career-wise, pull rank, go upstairs, make friends with his/her worst rival, read the acerbic bits of Possession. And those petty academic spats make such fine tempest in a teapot scenarios for the media to watch, this might work in your favour: you know...LOOK! Read what's REALLY fucking off Tom Paulin!

My feeling is ALWAYS that if I actually spoke to the person writing the cheques, I'd have no problems selling to them. If the person dissing you isn't actually paying for anything or signing a cheque, fuck 'em. Alex, you're picnicking next weekend? I can be more specific then. Readers' reports are usually by overworked and therefore prematurely jaded editorial assistants with too much evening/weekend reading to do. Have an agent, who can do this for you and keep you away from the cringemaking process of talking cash.

And yeah, what Piney said about actually writing the fucking thing.

For my sins, I used to be an editorial assistant at Bloomsbury Publishing, and if you didn't have an agent, we would read your book and then automatically reject it. In 10 years, Bloomsbury have published 2 unsolicited manuscripts (and this is with 200-500 coming in every week). So getting an agent is a requisite, if only cos of the stupidity and ingrained prejudices of the industry.

Pinefox - Literary Agents have slightly less coarse readers who take on unsolicited manuscripts. (I know - none of them would employ me, which is a good recommendation for them heh heh)

Lastly, publishers will only take your book if they're convinced it will sell shitloads. I always got extra photocopying fatigues at Bloomsbury whenever I suggested they should try and be less middlebrow, a bit more like Harvill or Atlas press.

Lastly, some of the nepotistically promoted, chinless, incompetent upper class fools who were in charge of commissioning at Bloomsbury were often convinced that some very odd, tangential stuff was going to sell, and threw barrels of money into it, so don't despair!

Believe it or not, I did go through an agent at one point. It didn't work. But this is to do with a particular sector of publishing - it doesn't contradict what Alasdair is saying in general.

Esp. given the astonishing garbage that Bloomsbury DO ACTUALLY PUBLISH: cf Mark Pr*nderg*st's history of ambient music.

I was once advised that your proposal should begin as follows:

"Since time began, mankind has been interested in [slug pellets: or whatever]," and that you elaborate from there for LESS THAN A PAGE DOUBLE SPACE PLENTY PARA BREAKS. I put in a proposal which began EXACTLY like this, to the very person who advised me thus: he accepted — and ten years later I have not yet finished the book. (I have found details of slug life in Borneo hard to research adequately....)

heh, well you won't find me defending Bloomsbury's output. Sample attitude of boss: we'll publish him cos he's catholic and I went to school with his old headmaster. Sample question from job interview: "so, you stopped going to church aged 11? don't you think you were a tad young to make such a big decision then?". I tried to get a book by Mark Webber (of Pulp) on LaMonte Young published (I think an extract eventually ran in the Wire?) - the editor decided it had no commercial legs and went back to concentrating on whatever Hampstead set novel about middle aged divorce in vaguely atmospheric surroundings he was editing at the time.

could the people above who have books, tell me about them? i would certainly be interested to hear.

Alasdair, name and shame this prize cretin! Do you know how many publishers would KILL for that?

I'm too much of a gentleman, Suzy. But it was a dismal, enervating experience. The realisation that even if you shout for a hundred years, no one will hear you.

not one publisher in oz would touch my stuff -- had to go to an overseas epublisher to have it published/sold - comments re quality was fine; subject matter wasn't appropriate etc - bastards, scaared of a tile like Fuct & Fiction. Persistence alex - bukowski said you couldn't call yrself a writer until you had wallpapered yr room with rejection letters.

The last time I seriously tried to get a novel published (five years ago for my sins) it was only Bloomnsbury who were actually positive about it (ie not sending the standard brush off letter). I would like to think it was you being nice back then Alasdair.

I need to get an agent, but then i need to write something good and the two sort of collapse in a downward spiral. Oh woe is me for the fear of being discovered as the charlatan I really am.

When I'm running my own list I'll make an announcement; someone's gotta put money where their mouth is, right?

ps I have also been a publisher's reader once or twice, tho not — I do not believe — for anything written by the pinefox (who CAN write). But it is a mug's game.

Any and all various attempts at writing a book have collapsed on my end. I get too damn bored! I'll stick with short pieces instead.

Good friend of mine was a publisher's reader for Michael Joseph in the 70s and 80s, before they were bought out (ultimately by Penguin, i think.) Utterly thankless task. His biggest error of (commercial) judgment - turning down 'The World According to Garp". He also had numerous nutters writing to him abt their dreadful manuscripts, including one chancer who used my friend's name for the main character in his woeful novel.

Biggest error of actual judgment: not "losing" the Garp manuscript when he put it down by mistake during a visit to a local steel-smelting operation.

okay, i'm writing a book proposal. all the elements are there: genius conceit, sales potential, kissable author photo.

but how to write the fucker? literally, HOW?

'daerest editor

peep this: '

and then i'm stuck.

Go on about how it's very similar to this other book that just sold loads and loads of copies, except also different, such that everyone who bought the other book will still be very much interested in reading yours. I have used this approach to contract several unfinished books, including Guns, Germs, and Cashmere, Who Moved My Yogurt, So You Want to Learn How to Read, and my novel, The Gall Bladder is a Lonely Claims Adjuster.

The first half of that advice is serious.

haha, yeahi am trying that (though natch my thing is so awesomely novel no-one has thought of it yet) but i'm literally asking for WORDSZZ.

like, line one: 'i would like to propose this book, my liege,..' i can't do it!! i did a semi-sucessful proposal one other time, but it was different then.