Curry House Curiosities

it's always the decor that gets me. whether it's elaborate paintings of Ganesh, Hanuman and Rama and Sita, or faded posters of the Taj Mahal and Amritzar, adverts for Kingfisher beer ("most thrilling chilled!") it's always kitsch as hell and i wuv it!

There's a great one round the back of the Raymond Revue that has two of the finest examples of curry house interior design this side of Bangalore.

Their waterfall painting (with real moving water effect) is a marvel of kitsch decor, but that pales in comparison with the gents loos (bear with me here).

The floor of the restaurant is supported by a pillar in the basement (where the gents also happens to be) which, by some quirk of architectural genius, is right in front of the toilet...to the point that you have to hop over the loo and sit put one leg either side of the support pillar. Comfort and class. The only thing missing is a montage of golden elephants.

mmm, waterfall paintings with moving water effects...

Yeah, no curry house worth its ghee is complete without a ridiculously expensive waterfall painting with its ostentatious golden frame. Plus loads and loads of tropical fish tanks that never actually appear to have any fish in them. And the same tape of music that repeats itself every 20 to 30 minutes. And the baltis that come in the dishes with the big handles that give you third degree burns if you actually try and pick them up using the handles. And the obligatory dessert menu which wherever you go has exactly the same list of desserts.

Favourite curry house affectation of them all = hot towel on the fissog. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

ah, the Natraj in Southampton, fantastic food (including the best onion Bhajis ever tasted by me), very nice waiters, comfy comfy seats and best of all a dance floor complete with glitter ball and live Indian band. oh dear I'm getting all nostalgic.

those hot towels are weird, especially as they come in those little plastic bags. Where do they come from and where do they go? Are they thrown away or recycled?

I must admit to my shame that I don't have an ear for Indian music and so probably wouldn't be able to tell whether the same tape was being looped or not! I once went to a curry house in Brackley where they had Radio 1 on instead. It seemed very incongruous.

The forthcoming Emma's Guide to Etiquette has harsh words for those who think that the proprietors of a curry house have supplied hot flannels for you to wash your grubby face with. Correct etiquette is: wait until towel cools down a little to avoid ungainly flinging from hand to hand squeaking; unwrap; wipe hands in a discreet manner; return cool flannel to receptacle.

I for one will not be placing an advance order for this joyless tome.

Never underestimate the joy of good manners. They allow you feel comfortable in any social milieu. Remind me to tell you about bread rolls sometime.

also towels have been heated in a microwave so application to frontal facial appurtenancecauses ama ays to shoot srate into yore brane

what is the etiquette of getting mango chutney off yr nose then, o mighty mistress of proper doing?

I could have done with your expertise in etiquette at the Hilton. Apparently the correct way to open a jar (yes, a jar) of ketchup is to first bash it on the edge of the table as hard as you can. This makes it far easier to open, as the obliging waitress demonstrated.

(note effect of towelling face: ama ays = gamme rays haha joke languishes)

Emma is wrong on hot towels, wait until you see her ridiculous 1950's bread roll laws. She is much better on the ettiquette of sitting on a bar stool if you are doing a boy band ballad.

Pursuant to the Food Safety Act 1990, any bread roll circa 1950 should not be consumed under any circumstances.

I think you will find, Peter, that civilised people wash their faces before going out and then eat dinner without having to stick their faces into the plate and thus have no need to clean their face with the HAND towel.

I am not surprised the waitress in the Hilton did that, it is really a very common place.

The point is that a curry - being hot - may make you sweat, primarily on your forehead where beads of sweat are both uncomfortable & unsightly. The use of hand/forearm to wipe this away is exceedingly unpleasant and does not remove the problem, whereas application of rapidly cooling, absorbant towel upon the brow will both refresh and cleanse the affected area.

Why would you need to clean your hands? Unless you have been using your finger to clean the bowls.

Well you see Pete it is bad etiquette to sweat in public in the first place. If you cannot deal with curry without sweating order a korma or failing that a chicken omelette and chips. The hand towel is needed for hands that have been eating poppadums / nan bread or for those of us who eat curry with our hands in an effort to be authentic.

"I am not surprised the waitress in the Hilton did that, it is really a very common place."

And it's also very commonplace for people to wipe their fissogs with a hot towel in a curry house. However, the hot towel phenomenon is not one often associated with non-curry house type establishments.

According the fundamental law of common sense, this naturally leads one to conclude that the curry heat = sweat equation is a fundamental consideration in hot towel provision. If it was a basic matter of sticky finger wipage, then hot towel phenomenon would be more widespread than current trends indicate.

Which is the Brick Lane CH with that AWESOME picture of England's Rose Diana Princess of Wales in top Curry-Art stylee! That should have won the "motherfucking" Turner.

on a related note cafe alba in mare street — which exhibits the work of aspiring non-turner type artists — once had a twin show of a. a series of luridly coloured jagged cartoony portraits called THE SCREAMING PRINCESS 1-[x](= diana when you squinted); b. a series of EVEN MORE LURID jagged cartoons of sheela-na-gigs tugging open their vulvas. Enjopy yr meal foax, and hurry back!

generally the art works. we have one that has two of each work on the wall

Although not a curry house, surely NOTHING in London can compete in terms of tack with Cafe Diana in Notting Hill Gate, bang opposite Kensington Palace. Not even the Elephant & Castle Shopping Centre 'cos they repainted that.