The Aristocrats

"Ready everyone?" says the father.
His family nods. "Ready!"

"Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three!"

The daughter and son quickly duck behind their parents, out of the agent's view. The parents start singing:

"All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air"

The children lean out from behind their parents backs, singing:

"With one enormous chair"

And as the family sing together, the children walk slowly out from behind their parents and kneel in front of them, facing the agent:

"Oh wouldn't it be lovely"

"Lovely," echo the children.

"Lovely," sings the husband, turning to face his wife.

"Lovely," she sings back, facing him.

"Lovely," they all conclude together, smiling beatifically.

The agent waits a second, watching their hands flutter to a stop, then yelling "What the hell was that!?"

"Wait!" says the father. "We're not finished - you'll miss the best bit!"

The family turns expectantly towards the dog. The tension builds. The dog stands slowly, first on all fours, then just on its hind legs.

"Rrroowwwrrreeee", it howls.

Father rips off his tear away pants unveiling a rock hard boner that could cut glass. He lifts up the distracted dog’s tail and starts banging away at his tight pink asshole.

This is the cue for the twin girls to jump into action. As one girl starts to lick Father’s ball sack the other pulls down her dress and takes a shit in Mother’s mouth.

Father ejaculates into Mother’s mouth and as if they had done the routine one hundred times over, the family forms a circle. Mother spits out the concoction of dog’s blood, cum and feces onto the ground and the little girls form a pentagram with the sludge.

The Family begins to bow their heads as the patriarch cries out, “Oh, Dark Lord Baphomet! We summon thee from the depths of Hell to manifest thyself on Earth in this assembly of iniquity!�

Suddenly, the ground opens up and Satan himself ascends from the underworld. After letting out a malicious laugh, four humongous, hardened penises emerge from his crotch. The family starts sucking away on each member’s respective dick as Satan lets out a deafening moan as loud as one thousand lions. This goes on for hours until Satan ejaculates fire which each member swallows.

"Notre Dame is French for Our Mother," says the father into a megaphone. He then takes a shovel out of his briefcase, and smashes it over his wife’s head. Her unconscious body drops to the floor.

"Son, you may begin," the dad says.

The son drops his pants to reveal a massive, throbbing hard on. With glee, he falls to the floor, removes his mother’s pants from her lifeless, unconscious body, and starts fucking her in the ass.

“Wake up the echoes cheering her name!� sings the Notre Dame Men’s Choir from the old victrola.

“Missy, hit it!� says the dad.

“Yes, sir,� says Missy, the buxom, fifteen year old daughter. And with that, she disrobes, drops to the floor, and starts eating her brother’s ass.

“Fido, eat, boy!� the dad shouts. The family dog obediently sits behind the daughter and starts licking her young pussy like a peanut butter sandwich.

As the sounds of the Notre Dame philharmonic begin to reach a crescendo, the dad steps into the action, letting his son suck his cock until he spews all over the young boy’s face, climaxing with such force that he shits all over his knocked out wife’s head. The dog stops licking the daughter’s pussy and runs to the front to eat the dad’s shit off the mom’s head. Seeing an opening, the dad runs to the back, and begins fisting his daughter like he was fixing a clogged drain.

Just then, the son pulls out of his mom’s ass and blows his load all over his dad’s shit on his mom’s head. The dog keeps chomping away on the steaming pile. The dad then stops fisting his daughter and runs to the front join the dog in eating the pile of shit and cum while he jerks off. Beaming with joy, the daughter runs to the front and starts sucking the dog’s dick, while the son runs to the suitcase and grabs a piece of fabric. He then jumps on a chair, and starts pissing all over the rest of the family.

The warm joly of the son’s piss causes the mom to recover from her concussion. Just as the dad blows his load on her face, the dog cums in the daughter’s mouth, and the Notre Dame Men’s Choir sings, “Onward to Victory!� Finally, the son wipes his dad's cum from his face and unfurls a banner that says 'Notre Dame', and vomits on his mom’s head.

The mom looks up, covered in shit, piss, cum and vomit and smiles at the talent agent, and the whole family says in unison with a smile, “Our Mother!�

The son, still fucking his sister, starts shitting all the sudden, he stops the fucking and starts fingering himself in the pee hole, the sister wakes up and turns around. She goes over to her mom and starts vomitting all over her, they start making out and vomitting into each others mouth while moaning.

After a while of fingering himself, the boy walks over to the dog corpse and starts fucking it in the throat. With each thrust, blood spits out of the dogs ass, and after a few humps the lungs, heart etc starts to slowly leak out. The dad now shows the dog head into his daughters asshole and starts peeing. After a while they all stop doing what they were doing and the father lies on the floor and the others surround him.

They all start peeing and shitting and vomiting over him until hes completely covered in shit, vomit and pee. The son then sits on his fathers penis which is still hard as a rock from fucking the dog head earlier.

His sister and mother still peeing and vomitting as much as they can over them. The father cums inside his boy which starts jacking off and after a while he ejaculates right into his dads face.

The mother grabs her daughter and breaks her neck, she dies instantly. Then they all proceed to rip her stomach open and eat her intestins. The father grabs her stomach and takes a big bite, acid spills out and burns his face. As the acid deforms his blood, shit and vomit covered face he takes out his dick and sticks it into his daughters corpse as he throws the stomach at his son which also gets burned by the acids. After ejaculating in his daughters corpse, they all stand up, except for the daughter and the dog, and take a nice bow.

http://www.lacitybeat.com/article.php?id=2128&IssueNum=103

I have never heard this joke.

The Clown joke clocking in at at least 45 minutes whenever I tell it (world record: 1.5hrs!)

!

*"The Orange Orangutan"

Never heard of this aristocrats thingy, though.

Totally. The Clown joke has a great one.

...I'm also a fan of really short, stupid jokes.

"Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread."

The "South Park" version that leaked about a year ago is seriously one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. ("You guys wanna hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?" "No.")

*so-and-so is...GILBERT GOTFRIED!!!

got a great looooooong joke i attempted once or twice among friends, much to their annoyance, in high school (nerd!). purple polka dotted ping pong balls.