feeling irrationally slighted - stop me from being a bitch, ile

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So clearly the best thing to do when feeling irrationally slighted is to shut up until you become rational again. But I don't really feel like doing that.

situation: I leave home for a summer job in a week. All but one of my friends at home never call me, I just call them. When I don't call for awhile, we don't see each other for awhile. This used to bother me in high school and still does, even though I know that often groups just do have one or two people who plan everything. I would like someone to finally prove that this is silly by calling me this week, but I expect that they won't, even after I wrote a hint in a livejournal entry saying "I'm leaving in a week, call me if you want to get together. It would mean a lot to me if anyone called."

Now I would like to write a very direct livejournal entry saying "I wrote that it would mean a lot because it would prove to me that my friends actually like me and don't just forget I exist when I don't call. It would also make me feel like I'm not just the person you hang out with when nothing better comes up. I have been insecure about this for years and the longer I feel this way, the more disappointed I am with my friendships, which is why I am finally mentioning it. So please call me if you think I'm misunderstanding you horribly or you want to show me that my friendship means enough to you to be worth five minutes of your time."

I know that using livejournal to manipulate your friends is wrong, wrong, wrong. And passive-aggressive. But is it really THAT bad?

Also, are any of you people who never call, just wait to be called? If you are, get off your ass and pick up the phone once in awhile. You might be hurting someone's feelings without realizing it.

― Maria (Maria), Sunday, 12 June 2005 20:52 (twenty years ago)

i think the proposed lj entry wd not put you in the best light!!

― mark s (mark s), Sunday, 12 June 2005 20:57 (twenty years ago)

Do not ever rely on your LJ as a point of social contact. You assume everyone who you would want to see it will see it regularly enough to spot the message in the fist place. All many people have to do is miss one or 2 days and your note will nhave dropped off their friends page without even being read, possibly.

So yeah it is a bit passive aggressive and also maybe some people genuinely missed it so would be more upset at your proposed second post, I'd say.

Why not email people? LJ just doesnt work for this kind of thing...

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:17 (twenty years ago)

Why not call them and say "why don't you ever call me?"

― Orbit (Orbit), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:22 (twenty years ago)

Indeed. LJ has caused people (and I say this as someone who's fallen for it myself) to act really oddly around friend groups; to take offense at being "taken off" a reading list; used for public attacks on people and such dramas, it is very strange. I'm so glad it didnt exist when I was in school, I cant bear to think of the shit it wouldve caused.

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:23 (twenty years ago)

i saw a guy, i dont know personally, do almost this exact same thing on lj about a year ago. he posted your proposed journal entry and although i did feel bad for him and it was obvious where it was coming from and that he was right to feel slighted, i couldnt help but think it was lame. i still cringe at the thought of the awkward convos he might/must have had with his friends after that.

youve already said how much it would mean for your friends to call you. id leave it at that. i know if i saw that from one of my friends id call for sure. if they dont, then fuck them. go off to your summer job and forget them for 2 months or so. meet some new people. the great thing about ditching your friends is being able to find new things out about yourself. toy with different ways of looking at things or presenting yourself to the rest of the world. youll have more perspective by the end of summer and, whether you chose to hang out with your friends again or not, im pretty sure youll feel good about not making things weird and awkward.

― sunny successor (katharine), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:27 (twenty years ago)

yeah i hate drama over livejournal, which is why i'm thinking twice about causing it. and it is probably the case that a bunch of people would just miss both entries anyway. contacting them personally is just too confrontational. i should probably just continue to do the usual - resent people silently and do all the planning myself.

and i don't want to just give up on them though. i mean, i have other friends, but these are the ones i've known since i was twelve, i've got a lot invested in these friendships.

― Maria (Maria), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:35 (twenty years ago)

So true!

― moley, Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:38 (twenty years ago)

Jesus Maria, I really do sympathise. I know I'm guilty of not being the best at keeping up with people, but there are a few in my past who I really did make the effort with and got nothing back.

Any anger and rejection you feel are entirely understandable, but will ultimately get you nowhere (as I learned to my cost once). Unfortunately the one who explodes will always be the one that everybody else stands back and points at.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 12 June 2005 21:42 (twenty years ago)

I'm not sure you should give credence to friendships based on how much you've invested in them. Is it really an investment if it's not paying dividends now? I don't talk to any of my childhood friends and in many ways those were my favorite years.

Isn't the usual trope to reject your childhood friends during college?

― ssss, Sunday, 12 June 2005 22:09 (twenty years ago)

I would try and invest in other people now Maria.
I started university a year ahead of most of my school friends. Many of them stayed in my home town to do art foundation courses (a one year course that most people going on to do visual arts degrees take). When I went back in the holidays I was expected to just fit into their new lives, hang out with new art friends etc, but they still got upset with me talking about my new life. I was told I had changed - the dread word of female friendship. What this actually meant was I was who I always thought I was on the inside, had some confidence, felt more attractive etc.
Obv. I don't know your friends, but I've drifted away from all but a handful of the people I knew in high school and I don't really mind. I always felt they stopped me from being who I actually was because they already had a picture in their heads of this person 'Anna' and how she should behave. The friends I made at university, male and female, can often predict me better than I can and are always there in a variety of different ways. These are the people who are going to change with me, not force me to stagnate.

I spent most of my first summer back from university feeling irrationally and rationally slighted. Weigh up what and who matters. Good luck.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 June 2005 15:41 (twenty years ago)

The choice that results in less lj drama is always the right choice.

― Jordan (Jordan), Monday, 13 June 2005 15:44 (twenty years ago)

I'd just stay in touch with the person who calls you. I only know one person from when I was 12, and this seems quite rare, it's sad but most people lose touch with their childhood friends. You've got a lot of chances to make new friends, just let the resentment go. You never know, maybe you'll get a call out of the blue and rekindle an old friendship one of these days.

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 13 June 2005 16:04 (twenty years ago)

update - one of the people actually called me. i don't think she has ever called me before. so she's restored my faith in humanity...yeah, that's really all it took. they are really not otherwise bad friends at all, just pretty passive. we don't stay in touch too much during the school year but it's good to have people to hang out with at home. thanks for the advice, all.

― Maria (Maria), Tuesday, 14 June 2005 04:27 (twenty years ago)

I think in most friendships there's someone who will be the first to call, and in some it's about equal. I don't think it really matters any more than one of you will be taller, or neither will.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 14 June 2005 07:29 (twenty years ago)

No actually, it's good to have one person who will call you.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 14 June 2005 07:31 (twenty years ago)

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