Jailbirds XI

Shooting at journalists wasn't it?

If not, Mark Ward in midfield, currently helping Merseyside police following a drugs sting.

(Best is also currently being quizzed on sexual assault of a minor and assault allegations)

Arse. I was going to nominate Alan Rough for failing to pay for some mince from Safeways.

In goal then, Gyula Groscics. Keeper for possibly the best international side of all time, placed under house arrest for 13 months by the Hungarian government for "treason and smuggling" (i.e. losing the 1954 World Cup Final to West Germany).

Columbian international keeper René Higuita (aka El Loco) spent nearly a year inside for acting as a go-between in a kidnapping between two drug barons. So he can be on the bench.

I've found someone who's done it before.

"Young men were occasionally prosecuted throughout the 1650s for playing football, but in the winter of 1659-60 in York a far more dramatic confrontation erupted. When players smashed the windows of a city church the council decided to take action and on 30 March the borough court, with the Mayor presiding prosecuted eleven players and imposed fines of 20s on them all. But, this backfired and triggered a major 'football riot'.

At five o'clock on the same day a crowd of over a hundred assembled 'in warlike manner…with halberds, swords, muskets, fowling pieces and other guns and weapons', marched on the Mayor's house, and smashed their way in. It was four hours before public order was restored. The badly shaken authorities set up a special commission to identify and punish the perpetrators, and on May 4 the accused 'chief actor' was convicted of riot and fined a massive £10. Seventeen other ringleaders were also convicted, but pardoned after making grovelling apologies."

Those were the days.

Keeper: Gyula Groscics (Treason and smuggling)

Defenders: Tony Adams (Drink driving), Bobby Mooore (not stealing jewellery honest guv)

Midfield: Cantona (Karate assault on a cunt), George Best (everything, including his 'where did it all go wrong?' story)

Forward: Maradona (shooting at pesky journalists)

Subs: Duncan 'disorderly' Ferguson (4 separate assault convictions IIRC), El Loco (Columbian kidnapping bag carrier)

Peter Storey on the bench?

Storey was an England international and a stalwart of Arsenal's Double-winning side, but in 1979, two years after leaving the club, he was fined £700 and given a six-month suspended jail sentence for running a brothel in East London. In 1980 he was jailed for three years for financing a plot to counterfeit gold coins. In 1990 he was jailed for 28 days for attempting to import 20 pornographic videos from Europe which he'd hidden in his spare tyre. Now 56, he still lives in south-west London and works as a driver.

Surprised he wasn't done for GBH after the match. (Even as a Spurs supporter, I will admit to having a soft spot for Storey. I think the term 'a bit of a lad' just about covers it.)

http://www.wanadoo.co.uk/images/editorial/generalarticle/sport/football/stig_toftig_mar05_emp_170.jpg

From this article (pdf) about a footballing footballers' defence laywer Jim Sturman.

THERE WOULD BE PLENTY
of competition for places in a team composed of
players who could have done with Jim Sturman’s
help in their brushes with the law. In goal, Rene
Higuita would be a good choice, after serving six
months in prison for trying to negotiate a ransom in a
kidnapping case in the 1980s. He was released
to play for Colombia in the 1994 World Cup.
Tony Adams, who drove his car into a pizza
restaurant, could marshal the back three alongside
another former Arsenal man, Peter Storey, who
has serious form. Storey was jailed for running a
brothel, head-butting a lollipop man and selling
fake coins. Jonathan Woodgate got community
service for affray so lacks experience in this
company, but the older lags would keep him on
the straight and narrow.
If the prisons are packed, so is the midfield.
Jamie Lawrence, of Brentford, and Ricky Otto,
once of Birmingham City, have the firepower
expected from reformed armed robbers, although it
would be best not to use Jan Molby, the former
Liverpool player jailed for driving offences, to pilot
any getaway car. Better to make money legitimately
— and not in the style of Mickey Thomas, once of
Manchester United and Everton, whose forged
banknotes led to a spell in chokey. Stig Tofting, the
former Bolton Wanderers enforcer who roughed up
two restaurant workers on his way to the clink,
completes the group.
Up front, there are no ifs and buts. Well, maybe
a butt. Duncan Ferguson spent 44 days in Barlinnie
for being on nodding terms with a Raith Rovers
defender while with Rangers. He could be
joined by Eric Cantona, another community
service man but with enough attitude to do
himself justice.
TONY EVANS
LEGALTEAM

He'd be one of the first on my ex-con list.