Cast a Schumacher-directed _Batman Begins

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

This came to mind as coworker Tom and I yakked a bit about the real film after seeing it (v. good, more later on the 'official' thread and FT). This was partially inspired by the fact that a fair amount of the basic evil plot (meanies out to screw people up via the water supply) could have been transposed into a Schumacher, ahem, 'vision' all too readily, since it's a handy enough trope/boilerplate.

So assuming Batman and Robin had, sickeningly enough, actually succeeded at the box office and it was decided to start the cycle over 'fresh' with Schumacher again at the helm...

We got as far as:

Batman/Bruce Wayne -- Ben Affleck (oh JOY)
Scarecrow -- Adam Sandler (this would have been inevitable -- "I just got TIRED of HANGING AROUND!")

Suggest alternates, plot adjustments, other horrors of the night...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:01 (twenty years ago)

Seriously what's with the Schumacher hate? I thought Batman Forever was great fun (never saw Batman & Robin though), certainly better than the first Burton Batman. What's wrong with a lighter approach to Batman? Ever since Dark Knight Returns everyone seems to think that Batman must be dark and broody and all, but I don't think that's the only way to treat the character; he has a 60+ year history full of silliness.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:10 (twenty years ago)

Dude, Where's My Batmobile?

STARRING
Batman - Sean William Scott
Scarecrow - Ashton Kucher
Alfred - Burt Reynolds
Rachel Dawes - Paris Hilton

― Leeeeee (Leee), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:11 (twenty years ago)

scarecrow was actually supposed to be the next villain tackled anyhow right?

wrong daredevil castmember for the bat though - colin farrell is schumack's boy

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:11 (twenty years ago)

tuomas i don't think anyone's arguing against camp batman, they're arguing against schumack's batman.

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:12 (twenty years ago)

r since Dark Knight Returns everyone seems to think that Batman must be dark and broody and all

"when I discovered him as a child, he seemed darker and more grown-up than the cheerful Superman."

― Leeeeee (Leee), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:12 (twenty years ago)

Well, I'm arguing for Schumacher's Batman.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:13 (twenty years ago)

You sick fuck.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:14 (twenty years ago)

We were also imagining contrasting DVD special editions for the real Batman Begins and Batman and Robin. For BB, you get Nolan and Bale and the like all chatting away calmly and sharing a laugh and all that on the commentary track, for Batman and Robin you hear Schumacher all by himself with an aura that makes it sound like he is swigging grain alcohol and is not wearing any pants.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:16 (twenty years ago)

Ned, you scare me with the amount of detail over here.

― Leeeeee (Leee), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:19 (twenty years ago)

Tom and I have very similar senses of humor.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:21 (twenty years ago)

Seriously what's with the Schumacher hate? I thought Batman Forever was great fun (never saw Batman & Robin though), certainly better than the first Burton Batman. What's wrong with a lighter approach to Batman? Ever since Dark Knight Returns everyone seems to think that Batman must be dark and broody and all, but I don't think that's the only way to treat the character; he has a 60+ year history full of silliness.

-- Tuomas (tuomas.alh...), June 16th, 2005.

Tuomas, see Batman & Robin and you will understand.

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:23 (twenty years ago)

Batnipples! (obviously)

― Roz (Roz), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:26 (twenty years ago)

xpost - Alternately one can just read this.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:27 (twenty years ago)

haha otm. that "this is why superman works alone" line....GAH! the way clooney delivers the line sounds like even he knows how fucking stupid it is.

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:37 (twenty years ago)

http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg
http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg
http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg
http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg
http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg
http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:41 (twenty years ago)

Ned your description of the Schumacher commentary track is pretty much the Carpenter/Russell track for The Thing! and it's great of course.

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:45 (twenty years ago)

I don't get the comments on Batman's nipples and buttocks... Are you saying it shouldn't be implied Batman might be gay? Is it wrong?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 05:49 (twenty years ago)

Eh? I don't think being gay has anything to do with them. The nipples and buttshots are just terribly cheesy.

WHY should their suits have nipples on them in the first place? Do they serve some special purpose? I mean, if you're gonna have them there, might as well get them to shoot lasers or something.

― Roz (Roz), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:02 (twenty years ago)

Well, not all parts of a superhero suit are functional; Batman's cape, for example, is rather unfunctional (one'd assume it'll get in the way in fistfights and all), and his ears are completely useless too. They're there for style - Batman wants to look like a bat. So maybe Batman is gay, and wants to appear more gay; hence the nipples.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:20 (twenty years ago)

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME IT WAS SCARECROW ASSHOLES.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:25 (twenty years ago)

but thats not even a surprise! scarecrow was featured in the trailers.

i remember there being talk for a while of howard stern playing scarecrow.

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:40 (twenty years ago)

NOT THE TRAILERS THAT I SAW.

I hate you guys all so much.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:44 (twenty years ago)

kiss my batbutt:

http://www.agonybooth.com/batman_robin/batman_ass.jpg

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:48 (twenty years ago)

...is that really batbutt?

WOW. Seriously. Though, to be honest with you, it looks more like siamese dick.

Think about that. SIAMESE DICK. (girl) You know it's true.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 16 June 2005 06:51 (twenty years ago)

omg you're totally right!

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 07:08 (twenty years ago)

Ned your description of the Schumacher commentary track is pretty much the Carpenter/Russell track for The Thing! and it's great of course.

Most true, I agree! But I also think they have a reason to be, y'know, proud of the results. The two of them do create the best commentary tracks around, I love how Big Trouble in Little China turns into a talk about how their kids are doing in hockey and all that.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 11:12 (twenty years ago)

god, the commentary on "In the Mouth of Madness" where it's Carpenter and the cinematographer and they just talk about lighting rigs the whole time and say "thats a great shot" SUCKS. they should get kurt russell to be on the commentaries even for movies he's not in.

― latebloomer: We kissy kiss in the rear view (latebloomer), Thursday, 16 June 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

Dear Bruce Wayne, Thanks For Everything, Joe Chill

Bruce Wayne / Batman: Rosie O'Donnell
Vicki Vale: Hugo Weaving
Poison Ivy: Wesley Snipes
Catwoman: John Leguizamo
Commissioner Gordon: Anne Heche
Alfred: Dame Edna
Lucius Fox: Lena Horne

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 16 June 2005 13:20 (twenty years ago)

And, of course:

Dick Grayson / Robin: Andie McDowell

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 16 June 2005 13:21 (twenty years ago)

Should I salute you or hurt you?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 13:36 (twenty years ago)

wrong daredevil castmember for the bat though - colin farrell is schumack's boy

blount beats me to it!!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 16 June 2005 14:23 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I admit that's far too good a choice to deny. And very appropriate after ALEXANDAH!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 June 2005 14:24 (twenty years ago)

From the Ebert review leeeeee-nked above:
The movie is not realistic, because how could it be, but it acts as if it is.

― Huk-L, Thursday, 16 June 2005 14:29 (twenty years ago)

Way to describe EVERY MOVIE EVER, Boober!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 16 June 2005 15:43 (twenty years ago)

Well, not all parts of a superhero suit are functional; Batman's cape, for example, is rather unfunctional (one'd assume it'll get in the way in fistfights and all)

If you'd seen the movie, you'd know that the cape is très functional!

― Leeeeee (Leee), Thursday, 16 June 2005 17:21 (twenty years ago)

capes allow the bat to beat meat in public

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:13 (twenty years ago)

The Batbutt looks like an out take from a Tricky album photo shoot.

― Earl Nash (earlnash), Friday, 17 June 2005 00:40 (twenty years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.

Cast a Schumacher-directed _Batman Begins_