My relationship has ended.

Good advice, that. Seriously! I like it.

Sorry to hear this, LO...hang in there.

I've just spent another 20 minutes crying down the phone at her, and she's being so nice--acceping that I have all these paranoid fears about how she's off having a nice time and isn't the least bit bothered, which obviously she isn't, and reassuring me that the other person has very little to do with it: she didn't leave me for him, which is sort of comforting in a strange way.

She still wants to be friends, and says she can still be here for me. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not, though.

Off having a nice time, obv.

Having your heart broken and what you think is your future path ripped out from underneath you hurts like hell. You'll feel hopeless, helpless, lost, guilty, relieved, all manner of things. What you won't feel is that it will get easier.

So trust everyone who has ever been through it, you will get over it. Have you ever broken a leg or an arm? Once it heals, you can't actually remember how much it actually hurt when it happened. Your heart's a bit like that as well. Except it hurts more, and it takes longer.

a bad idea. a clean break, while more painful/difficult in the short-term, is the best thing for both people.

I hope so. Short of the train-wreck ending of the last couple of weeks, it's been one of the best relationships I've ever had--she changed me as a person, in a good way. I owe most of what I have now to her.

I'm going to stay with my parents for a few days. I've decided against going to the big party thing on Monday, even though my ticket cost over £120. If we're both there, we'll both be miserable. If I don't go, then there's a chance she'll be happy, even though it will kill me to think of it.

Thanks again guys. It really is helping.

And most importantly: my sympathy. I've just broken up with my latest girlfriend in a train-wreck ending, but that was only a very short relationship, so no great pain - but as I say, I remember how bad it can be.

I still want to be with her, and I'm keeping some hope in my heart that she'll she she's making a mistake and come back, but she says she doesn't want that to happen.

try the best you can to let it go. when someone says it's over, it's usually over, and they ain't gonna change their mind.

It certainly sounds as though this 'other person' your girlfriend has feelings for wasn't the main reason for your break up - it would appear she would probably have broken up with you in any case. And she wouldn't be doing that if she loved you as much as you love her - so, although it's the hardest thing in the world to do - you just have to let this one go. As others have said above, it really does sound as though her mind is made up and that for her, at least, the relationship is over so I think it would be unwise to harbour any secret hopes that she might change her mind and come back to you. Such hopes might feel like they're cushioning the blow, but they're just prolonging the agony and hurt.

I wish there were a magic formula to ease the pain of broken relationships, but there isn't. Just surround yourself with friends and family amd ILX for support, have a good wallow in self pity for a bit, be nice to yourself - splashing out some dosh on a treat or two can't hurt - and, most importantly, take time out from coupledom for a while rather than inflicting your hurting self on anyone else right now. There may be a temptation to rush headlong into a new relationship with the first girl who comes along and shows any interest in you, but whilst you may relish some positive female attention (and, let's face it, it's always nice to have a bruised ego massaged) rebound flings are seldom a good idea. Take time to re-group.

at the moment a lot of what you're feeling is shock, disbelief etc. focus on getting through that: it's not easy or fun, but force yourself to do it. the key thing here is accepting the relationship is over, picking up your feelings and, like CJ says, "regrouping". it sounds trite, but you'll discover that you feel a stronger person for it.

by all means wallow and moan and lick your wounds. drink with your friends and cry on their shoulders if needs be. that's what friends are for. but keep looking forward. make some cool new plans, even if it's just for a weekend away somewhere to see old friends. enjoy the freedom to just worry about yourself for a while.

and never look back.

I'm very sorry to hear this, Stevie. :-(

(Also for LO of course.)

In the long run, though, at least she was honest and it's good that you can still think positive thoughts about her. You will probably go through at least one phase of not thinking positive thoughts about her, and that's okay too.

the trying-to-be-friends thing invariably ends up with the person who initiated the split feeling guilty and going out of their way to be nice, thus giving the other person false hope of a reconciliation, and it all ends up in a vortex of unpleasantness which becomes ever more difficult to escape.

I don't think this is invariable - I have experienced otherwise. The key is honesty, realistic expectations and lots and lots of space. And time - with the best will in the world, one or both of you will be too raw for it to be a realistic possibility immediately. It may need 3 months, 6 months, a year or longer, but it's very, very easy to resent the other person for not being and doing what *you* want them to be or do. If there is still good will and real affection, give it time, pragmatism and consideration and it may work out.

(x-post - accentmonkey and casuistry otm)

Also, read my first post just above this.

She would get points from me if she wasn't honest.

It's much better to get dumped by someone who can cite reasons why they are "too different" from yourself and not ready to settle down and all kinds of shit than it is to hear there's someone else they'd rather be with. People need to start being tactful and respectful of other people's feelings rather than trying to make themselves feel better for being unfaithful shits. Honesty is never about making the person you're hurting feel better; it's always about easing your own conscience, as if you're suddenly a good, guiltless person by fessing up to your cheating ways. Or any less guilty at all, for that matter. Make up a lie you can both feel good about and split. In time, you can be friends again much easier and everyone wins.

The whole difficult part of the conversation doesn't take that long to get through once the dumpee realizes your mind is made up and leaves the dumped feeling actually pretty damn good. The only part you have to deal with is "Why all of a sudden, hah? Why do you just have to spring this on me like this?!" To which, the dumper can say, "It's not so sudden," or words to that effect and that should be plenty because relationships don't just end suddenly. They fizzle and one partner eventually fucks the other one over.

Cheer up: 10 Years from now you won't even think about it.

Does it take 10 years? Seriously. How long does healing from something like this take? How long has it taken all of you? I really want to know. I asked this to my best friend last night and got a really vague answer. I can't figure this out.

I got divorced 6 years ago from someone I'd been with for 10 years (married for 5). The initial shock and emotional disorientation lasted a bit over a year. That was the "healing," I guess. What I didn't anticipate was what I'd call the scar tissue. That is, even though I'm now happily remarried -- more happily than before -- and can't imagine life without my current spouse, I still get twinges of bitterness and betrayal about the previous relationship at least weekly. I mean, I'm officially on good terms with my ex, we talk a couple times a year and wish each other all the best. But the trauma of that separation was severe, and I guess it fades slowly. I assume that a few years from now, or a few years from then, those twinges will have subsided still more. I suspect they won't ever completely disappear.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to thread.

i agree with mark c, it's impossible to make blanket statements that staying friends never works. it has for me, several times. you probably need some time and space where you recover and don't see her at all, though.

other practical solutions: get back in touch with friends that you haven't talked to in a while. make plans to see them. make a list of books you've been meaning to read, plays you've been meaning to see, etc and work your way through them. start a regular fitness plan. by having constructive, positive things keeping you busy, you're less likely to spend all your time thinking about her and your relationship. plus, at some stage, you'll probably start enjoying these new activities, and you're already in the middle of your 'new life'

it might be good to read that thread on TS: Single vs coupled (or whatever it was titled). lots of great stuff in there about how being single really rocks and just think of all the possibilities and potentials. Being dumped sucks ass, but hopefully you'll be able to see the new potentials for your life that may have been cut short in your relationship.

Sorry, been away from the computer for a while. Every single person on this thread in some way OTM.

Firstly, my utter condolences to Martin, Stevie, 'Welcome to dumpsville' and Mickey.

It's been nearly three whole days now. We've spoken on the phone each day, and every time we speak it's still incredibly, incredibly upsetting. I end up in tears every time. But in a strange way, I feel better when I'm talking to her. I don't know, I'm guessing this is because she's still the only person I truly trust with my emotions.

Still, when I'm not crying down the phone, I've begun to feel better. It's weird, although I'm guessing perfectly normal, but a part of me is actively resisting feeling better. I want to be unhappy, I want to cry and feel like the world has ended--I guess this fits in with the idea of allowing myself time to be sad and to wallow mentioned upthread.

I've become more accepting of the situation now. I'm confused and I'm hurting like hell, but I've rationalised that if I no longer make her happy, then if I love her I should do the honourable thing and let her go.

I'm surprised that even after being away from ILX for a day or two, everyone's suggestions have pretty much mirrored what has been happening to me. I've been shopping today, and got some nice things, and have arranged to go and see some old friends that I've not seen for too long. I called some mutual friends and felt better that they were concerned about me--stupidly I was assuming they would take her side, even though there is no real 'side' to take here.

Also, I've been on her side of this. I left my husband four years ago and I can assure you that your former girlfriend is NOT out having a good time. I know you know she's not, I just want to remind that she is NOT. She feels like a total bastard and hates facing your friends and knows full well what she has done to you and how badly it is making you feel.

This was reassuring to hear, accentmonkey. Thankyou. Tonight is the big party. In fact it started ten minutes ago now, but I'm still at my parents. I'm gearing up for this to be the most difficult time so far (although currently it's not--reading everyone's support has made this a lot easier). I want her to have a good time, but there's a very, very selfish part of me that doesn't want her to have that good a time. The 'other person' is at this party too.

the worst part is that months ago i tried to end the relationship a few times before but she managed to change my mind, blaming all the problems we had in her stressfull career. the worst of these problems is that she was insanely jealous, even of my best friend's girlfriend. so just a few days ago, she finished the last of her exams and gave me the news. so basically i think she has dragged me through the last insufferabble months of the relationship because she needed someone to lean on, but now that she is finally free and ready to have fun, she dumps me in the exact first day of her new, happy, fun filled ,unstressful life. which is terribly depressing because i had started to have the hope that things would in fact improve when she was less occupied.

While I don't share this same hatred as Welcome to Dumpsville, this situation is not a million miles from my own. I'm convincing myself that this is not worth thinking about--the years before these last few weeks were fantastic, and although the last few weeks are the freshest and rawest, I don't want them to colour the whole relationship. Of course,

also, i've just been told that she is already seen someone. she couldn't wait a fucking single week, apparently. so now i can't help to be insanely jealous and furious, and called her to say some horrible things. and now i feel terribly bad about it, hate her, and miss her all at the same time. i wish i was so understanding and reasonable us logged out, but now i'm just utterly confused and depressed, and i am not sure if i have something to blame on her or not.

is what I'm paranoid about now. Beyond just it happening in this manner, I'm totally uncomfortable with the idea of her seeing someone else. I'm pretty sure this won't happen, but emotional paranoia is a powerful thing.

i agree with mark c, it's impossible to make blanket statements that staying friends never works. it has for me, several times. you probably need some time and space where you recover and don't see her at all, though.

She is out of the country for the whole of July and from October to next May. I'm hoping this will be enough time and space.

eek. i'd want to kill myself after seeing Eternal Sunshine if i just got dumped.

Off-topic, but apparently, according to my ex-girlfriend (let's just accept it, the 'ex-' prefix is going to have to be used eventually), I look exactly like Carrey in that film.

lots of great stuff in there about how being single really rocks and just think of all the possibilities and potentials. Being dumped sucks ass, but hopefully you'll be able to see the new potentials for your life that may have been cut short in your relationship.

Curious, as finally when you get the opportunity, you really don't want any new potentials... isn't life odd? Currently my only worry is that I'm mean to be moving into a new place with my flatmate, but I'm not entirely sure I want to stay where I live now, given that it's not exactly a big place, and there's a lot to remind me of her there. I'm confused about what I should do, because I moved there to wait for her to graduate, but find myself questioning what I'm waiting for now? It would be simpler if I didn't enjoy my job as much.

For me it's been six months and still not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I wish I knew when this would end.

As I'm feeling now, I don't want there to be a day when I don't think of her, but who knows in six months. I'm really sorry that you're hurting, too, Mickey.

Okay, sorry for the length and general construction and grammar. I wanted to address everything that's been said, and try and explain myself more, and I would guess that a) I will have repeated myself a lot, inconsistently and b) I will remember something important I meant to write the second I hit 'submit'.

Once again everyone, I thank you all.

well if you'd keep posting your masturbation habits on the internet your gf eventaully finds out.