Dear Tenant,

Watch you don't have someone's eye out with that Cockney accent.

Kisses

http://www.wehateyouandyourhorrendoustasteineverything.com/cinema/images/tenant/5big.jpg

Especially when I'm lonely

l need the noises of destruction

When there's nothing new

Oh nothing new, sound of breaking glass

I love the sound of breaking glass

Deep into the night

l love the sound of its condition

Flying all around

Oh all around, sound of breaking glass

Nothing new, sound of breaking glass

If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble. some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was

I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud

They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore

Yes I think I'm okay
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown

Just don't ask me how I am [X3]

Don't look at the carpet,
I drew something awful on it

See

You're such a wonderful person
But you got problems oh-oh-oh-oh
I'll never touch you

Wake up early
Round 7:30
Housekeeper knocking on my door
Do not disturb sign
The back of her mind
I must’ve left it on the floor
(Yeah)

My eyes are hurting
The cheap nylon curtains
Let the sunlight creep in through from the clouds

Cos at times like these remind me
That I gotta keep my feet on the ground

Na na na na
Na na na naaaa
Na na na na
Na na na naaa

'Cos its times like these remind me
'Cos its times like these remind me
'Cos its times like these remind me
That I gotta keep my feet on the ground

Na na na na
Na na na naaa
Na na na na
Na na na naaa

'Cos its times like these remind me
(Times like these remind me)
'Cos its times like these remind me
(Times like these remind me)
Cos its times like these remind me
That I gotta keep my feet on the ground

[Break] - w/ ad libs
Put 'em on the glass ..
Put 'em on the glass, girl
Put 'em on the glass

[Verse 2]
Yes he's kinky, weenie and jinky
Got fresh rock on his pinkie
He gets paid to stay laid
My copycats fade, evade to unpaid who's stay played
Girls when I'm on the freeway
Cats jumpin in, givin me leeway
And then drop them things on the dash
This Porsche is quick so don't try to run fast
At speed I got a need to see you breathe
And proceed with the kinky tease
Indecent exposure can't hold ya, it's makin you bolder
Cause baby is a Mix-A-Lot soldier
But lusting is on balls
Everybody's beggin to get into your draws
What's makin you hit brown?
+Baby Got Back+ or (shake it up and down)
You can follow me home cause this bone is on full blown
Straight growin all night long
I like my females nasty
Never try to drive straight past me
Just get in the left lane and show me your insane
And fill up the window with fangs
Puttin niggaz on skids, jump out and straight crash
Cause she put 'em on the glass

[Break] - w/ ad libs - (*scratched*)

[Verse 3]
How many times will you play this
before your ban this, I heard Mix so I can't stand this
But I got a family, lovin this scandalous rap
Guess who I got layin on the canvas
D-R R-I-C-H-A-R-D
Hard from the three way party
Baby them things is workin
Fillin up the passenger window with Jergens
You hit the gas I hit my drool
Baby can I get with you?
Rush the blood 'til the glass gets dressed
Obsessed with the ways you express yourself
Some say I only rap about wealth
But baby can I talk about your health?
Lungs, lungs, motherfuckin lungs
Get a brother oh so strung
I'm lovin this window draftin
The whole right lane is draftin
Offend me, offend me, you can freak me if your friendly
B double O B S, straight sittin in the window
I'd rather kiss them than indo
And if you see me on the freeway, baby don't pass
Slow down and put 'em on the glass

[Break] - w/ ad libs
Put 'em on the glass
Put 'em on the glass, girl
Put 'em on the glass
Now shake them titties ..
Shake 'em ..
Put 'em on the glass ..
Put 'em on the glass

M: I gave you love
S: You gave me a necklace of diamonds
M: I gave you love
S: You gave me a Mercedes Benz
S&M: I gave you love, love, love

S: Well I thought I loved a hero, but it seems I loved a fool
M: Gee, thanks!
S: Too many times I've seen you falling drunken off your stool

I've seen you in the looking small on the floor of some dark bar
Spending all your money like the vagabond you are
You promised me a heaven, but you stuck me in a hell
You're lazy and you're indiscreet, and you're bad in bed as well

M: Well, I've had no complaints before.
S: Lipstick where I've never seen lipstick marks before
Out each night to play the field, and me I'm locked behind this door

Repeat Chorus

M: You gave me lies and deception
S: I gave you love
M: You gave me an overdraft
S: I gave you love
M: You gave me the cold shoulder
S: I gave you love
M: You gave me an icy stare
S&M: I gave you love, love, love

M: I thought I married elegant
S: You did!
M: But it seems I married cheap
Seems you found some doubtful ways to boost your
__________________________(???)
I've seen you draped in furs, but they're as fake as fake can be
They go with your complexion and your personality
Well, when things start to get bad -- your hand up to your head
Making for the tranquilizers or some boy to your bed

S: Uh, you can do it!
M: Behaving ways I've never seen a lady act before
Out each night to play the field
And me I'm locked behind my door
I gave you love
S: You gave me an elegant prison
M: I gave you love
S: You gave me a washing machine
M: I gave you love
S: You gave me nothing
M: I gave you love
S: You gave me nothing
S&M: You gave me everything but love, love, love

Dear Tenant,

i'm writing to you in the voice and style of you, my tenant, zach. i am landlord, your landlord. on april 26, 2024, approximately 10 months ago, a hole developed in your ceiling above your shower. it was rainy. the plaster dipped heavy with water and formed a large and disturbing shape. the horrible face-hatchet only grew larger as the evening continued and the rain fell heavier, until finally it burst open, mostly onto the shower floor, but also onto the rest of the bathroom. it was not good smelling water. soaked plaster and ceiling debris floated on a thin wave and then slowly mushed into the floor. on the ceiling was a cloud-like weightless negative space, with a 2" hole to the roof staring eyes wide open.

https://i.imgur.com/EsbvMMK.jpeg
https://i.imgur.com/cRpA1eA.jpeg
https://i.imgur.com/ipbswgT.png

you, the tenant, notified me about the damage. by the way, i just want to take a moment to remind you, tenant, that you live in missouri, and you have some of the weakest "tenants' rights" in the country. haha on you, you foolish renter! i will probably exclaim more about this later in this letter and give you a few fun tidbits about why you can't do anything about this except leave, you big baby!

should i be less detailed and skim through a few things just to save us all some time? yes - i did come and visit your house about a dozen times over the last 10 months, each time discovering something new about the hole above the shower, but never fixing it. as fate would have it, it did happen to rain and snow during those 10 months, and i was surprised to find that the hole didn't repair itself, but only became larger. did i hear that you, the tenant, say something about being hit in the head multiple times by falling ceiling/roof plaster while taking a shower? wow, that must have been weird! glad i'm not the renter, here.

i have heard your frequent requests that i should hire a professional to take care of the problem. there is a problem, i agree, and the problem is that would cost me some money. i'm sure you'll say that i could even probably write it off on my special landlord taxes, if i wasn't motivated enough to maintain a minimum level of physical safety and wellbeing of you, the tenant. my tenant, you make me laugh with your foolish requests. i don't want to do tax stuff. i just want to not pay a professional to do it, either. so i think it fine to visit your bathroom every 3-4 weeks and excessively whine about hard it is for me to always be visiting and looking at your ceiling. what a great problem it is, this fixing of the ceiling, and how loooong it takes! it is such a burden for me to be working on this for so long! but there's no alternative, at least not one that's gonna be good for my bottom line.

you see, in missouri at least, there is actually no financial incentive for me to fix your shit. what would you do, hire someone to fix it yourself and then deduct the cost of the repairs from your rent? or withhold your rent or something? haha, you must have heard of one of those places where tenants have rights! we don't do things like that here. i wouldn't make as much money if i felt this pressure to keep you safe.

let's review this together! https://ago.mo.gov/wp-content/uploads/knowyourrights.pdf

REPAIRS
• A lease should state which repairs are the landlord’s responsibility and
which are the tenant’s.
• The landlord should make repairs caused by wear and tear and natural
forces such as the weather.
• Tenants should pay for damages that they or a guest cause.
• A tenant cannot legally withhold rent payments until repairs are
completed. You can get evicted.
• If a home becomes unsafe, the tenant should contact local health or
housing authorities.

that's all the .gov website will give you, and they don't mention the idea of the tenant getting it repaired and then deducting it from rent. just in case you were getting your hopes up,

https://www.lsmo.org/node/650/repairs-rental-unit

Can a Tenant Make Repairs and Deduct the Cost of the Repair from the Rent?

If a landlord does not correct housing code violations that negatively affect the habitability, sanitation or security of your home, in some cases a tenant may repair the problem and deduct the cost of the repair from her rent. To qualify to make a repair and deduct:

1. You must have lived in your home for 6 months or more,
2. You must have paid all rent and charges due to the landlord,
3. You must have fixed or corrected any lease violations for which you have received notice, and
4. Your family or guest must not have caused the defective condition.

[b]The cost of the repair must be less than $300 or one half the monthly rent, whichever is greater, provided the amount may not exceed one month’s rent.[b]

that's right! if the problem is severe enough to cost more than half your rent to repair, then you can no longer get it repaired and deduct it from your rent! nice! for me!

anyway, i don't need to recount all the times we've shared together on this over the last 10 months, but i do want to take the time to revisit the best text that has ever been sent, the one i sent to you last month, 9 months after i began "repairing the ceiling", when you mentioned that the pesky giant hole in the ceiling hadn't gone away on its own accord yet. when you sent that message i was like 'what the heckers?!', i couldn't believe it! so i sent you this:

https://i.imgur.com/z4jB5XY.png

so, finally i can get to the reason i'm writing, that is, the request you sent me earlier today pleading with me to hire a professional to get it done, and suggesting a 2 week timeline for doing it. first of all, i'm going to meet with you sometime soon to talk about that, we can discuss it.

https://i.imgur.com/OMqJf0L.jpeg

okay, i see there's a problem there. i'm not going to mention the hilarious mold problem you have! that one, similar to the problem you have with the ceiling there, is actually a pretty big issue and is damaging the building. it has to do with how we constructed the add-on! i probably did it myself, it's so fucked up, lol! anyway yes, i see you'd probably have to scrape and clean the fallen mold off the floor every single day. AND you're in missouri! you really messed up here, but since i've made $11,000 off you already this year, i am going to once again have to consider my bottom line and tell you i'm going to fix it and i'm definitely going to do it right this time, but you're going to have to wait a few weeks so make some changes and see how it affects things. really, you have to wait until it rains or snows again to see how it falls through to your head while you're taking a shower in a different way. life is about failing, learning, and then doing things differently. we'll see what happens. i'll be around sometime tomorrow, probably in the 8am-10pm window

I had one of those giant paint bubbles form (upstairs neighbor's leaking tub) and I called them, but then the whole fucking 1920's ceiling fell into the tub
they fixed it fairly quickly so I can't complain too much, pales to your situation

the ironic thing is that if i moved out, he'd fix the problem. because then he wouldn't be able (maybe) to convince someone new to move in until he fixed it.

i also have a few friends who are well-versed in missouri landlord-tenant law, and yeah, they've all agreed that there are virtually zero meaningful rights for renters, and that the only real thing you can do without risk of legal retaliation by the landlord is leave.

it's such a bummer because i actually really like this shithole

my landlord is pretty responsive - I'll bitch about the heat not working and lo, someone will show up to fix it. We had a chronic issue with mail-theft and he bought a heavy-duty Fort Knox set of mailboxes which put an end to that... he doesn't raise my rent regularly just because he can.

I'm just worried that he's pretty old and the next owner might not be as cool.. but California has pretty decent tenant protections, especially if you live in a old building

that is some cold horseshit, z, i am sorry.

oh, that's just how it is sometimes, but thanks!

i sent the landlord a message today telling him he has one week to hire a professional to fix the problems, and if not, i'll exert my meager tenant rights and get a health inspection (which will note the mold covered walls as well), then see if i can hire someone to at least do a band-aid fix on the ceiling and wall so it's safe and livable, and then deduct that from rent. under missouri law, i can only do that if the repairs cost less than half a months's rent, so we'll see if i can find anyone who can do a quick patch job.

i let him know, yeah, he could just fucking fix the issues too, if he wants to avoid all that, but really, the work will all be on me so i doubt he'll care

bad update:

the landlord came over, after i had already said that i would call the health department if he didn't do something. he arrived earlier to, fix the broken furnace in my basement. i told him i would be recording our conversation, and then he whistled while he worked. after he finished the work and went outside to his truck to talk on the phone (he rolled his eyes at me as i approached and waited for him to finish), i told him i was recording the conversation and put my phone on the truck. then he served me a termination of lease. i have til april 30 to get out. he was smiling as he did it.

grim update: i was able to schedule a health inspection (waiting for inspector to coordinate a visit). i was given a # for the tenant's right association and the machine said that they were no longer accepting new clients, but that i could leave a voicemail. i waited til the voicemail part and then it said the mailbox was full and hung up on me

Ugh, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

at least i have a recording of the whole thing, but he didn't say much. i did take a selfie with me and him and the termination letter though

shit Z, that sucks.. what an asshole! Hopefully you can find someone else to help navigate this bullshit

the only answer is literally liquidating landlords materially as a class and physically if that fails. Fucking scum of the earth.

shit Z, that sucks.. what an asshole! Hopefully you can find someone else to help navigate this bullshit

i have few rights as a tenant in missouri, and he and i both know i won't win in court and that i don't have the resources to put up a real fight. we'll leave, we'll move to a better place, he'll deal with the health inspection results and suffer little material consequence.

second that heartily xp

very sorry you're dealing with this, z. i wish i could help somehow.

appreciate that, but we'll be ok. :) we have lots of friends and a community that is very amped to fucking trash this dude and help us out. we'll be in a better place by may 1. also i'm going to register 3157californiaavestlouismo63118.com just in case someone is looking to rent the place and uses the internet

hahah yes, also loved your vid on ig where you were literally clowning him to his face whilst he cowered in his truck bed

it's so rare that you actually get a chance to call out evil fuckers without them hiding behind any number of bureaucratic layers of protection, i had to do it

but also, without going into tmi, i'm going through so much right now, in a number of ways, and once again, it has to do with my depression and how i can control it. i felt comfortably clowning on the landlord because, sadly, i've clowned on him in my head so much. i have had so many arguments with him that take place entirely in my head. by the time i said the things out loud, i had said versions of them many times before, quietly. that's not good, and i'm (tmi for this thread, sorry, but just being real) in therapy, in part, to help regulate my emotions and how they spill out of me into the outside world. in lots of ways, the social media rush of people "liking" what you do, it felt good to yell at him, and yes, it feels good to put an evil landlord on blast. in missouri, it's the only right of the tenant. tenants are so fucked, and landlords have all the power, even more so than in most other states. so in some way, i was exerting the only meaningful right i have, which is to let people know what happened and to stay away from him - and equally, more importantly probably, to let my wealthy friends and better-off friends know how the real world is when you're not protected by money. money surely does fix a lot of problems. if you have money, you'll never have to deal with a landlord being an evil fucker, because you could just take the wheel and be the evil fucker yourself, i guess. i went to an ivy league program (i was one of those suckers who subsidizes the program by taking out massive student loans i still haven't dented in order to get accepted) and most people in it were already wealthy in college, through their families, and 16 years later, almost every one in the program is doing really well financially. i am one of the only ones who doesn't have money. it's good for them to see, through social media at least, that the guy in their program who did their homework for them and spent all the time in the library and was naive enough to actually complete all the hundreds of pages of reading every week and try to learn something, is completely struggling and that there still is a "real world" out there that they have the privilege of floating on top of due to their money and absolutely nothing else.

and then, all of that, balanced against just not wanting to be angry and not wanting to feel hurt and screwed over, not wanting to let such a cowardly person ruin my day, week, month, etc. it's been a horrible episode, all of this, but i guess to try to return to my point about the social media thing, it is both helpful (to vent to friends, who were unanimously supportive) and unhelpful (to be "rewarded" by social media attention) to share at all. what i share and how i share it is a big topic in therapy right now.

speaking of, due to recent life events (unrelated to landlord) i have another 2 hour session today. life is hard ya'll! *hugs*

Signed, Tenant

Sending good vibes your way.

thank you jon! and for your comment upthread, as well, sorry to not say that earlier.

i realized maybe that was a really alarming post, what i just said. don't worry - i am ok, and although times are hard right now, i am actually really hopeful and optimistic about the future, for real. i'll be ok, and i'm lucky to have the people i do in my life.

not alarming, just real life