Moving in/Living with your SO

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My boyfriend & I are talking about whether to live together when we move to Minneapolis. He's moving in July & I'll probably head up there in Sept./Oct. Is this even a big deal to anyone anymore? I feel like it's such a big step . . . how do you know if it's the right one?

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:20 (twenty years ago)

RUN ITS A TRAP

Unfortunately, I think the only way you ever tell if it's the right thing to do or not is when it all goes wrong.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:23 (twenty years ago)

I think it's a good thing to do. It's seems like it's not a big deal to anyone but grandmothers anymore, but I thought it was when I first did it.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)

Or when it goes right.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)

Woody Allen advised that you should always keep your own apartment, even if you're married. But look what he did in his apt!

― andy --, Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)

sadly i have never done this. :(

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

Ooh ooh! Get two bedrooms if you can help it, seriously.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

Or when it goes right.

Yes, of course, sorry. I have to stop sounding so bitter all the time. Of course, it's like the mathematical stuff where you can never prove something, only ever disprove it. All the supporting results in the world won't mean shit if you find a non-conformant one.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:28 (twenty years ago)

It makes a big difference if the place is new to you both. Moving into someone else's occupied space can be bad; at least it was for me! It was a small one bedroom, full of her stuff (mine was in a storage unit) and I felt like a guest the whole time. Looking back, it was a mistake.

― andy --, Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:29 (twenty years ago)

It makes a big difference if the place is new to you both. Moving into someone else's occupied space can be bad

OTM.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)

well, it would be not only a new place, but a whole new CITY. Some of the questions have been whether it will increase (new city--we should make friends, maybe i want to live alone, etc.) or lessen pressure on the relationship (he's starting law school so we might actually see one another, etc.).

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:33 (twenty years ago)

i've sort of floated around thinking that i wouldn't ever want to live with a boyfriend before we got married. now i'm kinda changing my mind. a lot of it is this particular relationship and then a tiny part of it stemmed from when i saw marjane s____ (author of "persopolis") speak & she talked about how so much of america is steeped in christian morality. it made my wheels turn, hearing that.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:36 (twenty years ago)

You could have reasons unrelated to "morality" for not wanting to move in with your s.o.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:41 (twenty years ago)

i do. but for a while it was mostly "moral" reasons. well, kinda. it's cloudy in my head. maybe the more worthwhile question should be, "should i make sure to live alone for the first time in my life before i commit to living with someone else? or, if the relationship seems right, is it okay to just move in together?"
that sort of thing. right now i guess i'm mostly trying to decide if i want to live alone for a year first.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:43 (twenty years ago)

How long have you two been together?

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:44 (twenty years ago)

just over a year. that's probably the other thing. has it been long enough?

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:45 (twenty years ago)

It's difficult to say, only you can tell that. What does your partner say?

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:47 (twenty years ago)

(xpost)Sure. Unless there is some obvious reason why you shouldn't do it (like being around one other too long drives one or both of you crazy) I would just do it.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:48 (twenty years ago)

I mean if it goes badly it is annoying, but relationships ending are always annoying so it's not as big a nightmare as folks make it sound. DO NOT GET HIS/HER NAME TATTOOED ON YOU THOUGH! That is really bad move.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:49 (twenty years ago)

he goes back & forth, much like me. the last he said about it was, "let's just do it." we honestly practically live together as it is seeing that we spend most nights together & hang out all the time.
thanks ILX for being my sounding board.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:50 (twenty years ago)

I say go for it. I think if it's a new place in a new city, then it can only really strengthen your relationship, in a me & you vs. world style.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:52 (twenty years ago)

getting married without having already lived together = dud

i know it's a cliche, but living with someone is the only way you'll ever know whether you can really spend the rest of your life with them, since most relationships don't end due to one singular event or tragedy but because of thousands of little annoying things that build up over time, and you've gotta learn whether you can deal with those things in your partner or not.

― Josh Love (screamapillar), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:53 (twenty years ago)

i have to admit, rather sheepishly, that i'm a bit nervous about telling my parents if we do go ahead with it. they will not like this news, even though they really like him. i suppose they'll get over it eventually.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:54 (twenty years ago)

the first six months i lived with my gf were def. the hardest, just getting used to simple shit like "do we wash the dishes right after dinner or let them sit there and do it in the morning?"

― Josh Love (screamapillar), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:54 (twenty years ago)

Alex, did you make this mistake before?

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:55 (twenty years ago)

also: does it matter if this is my first time & not his?

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:56 (twenty years ago)

Haha no actually an acquaintance of mine is dealing with this particular problem. Of course, everyone shook their head when she/they got the damn thing/s. It's just now dawning on her that "twue wuv" doesn't always last forever.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:58 (twenty years ago)

"also: does it matter if this is my first time & not his?"

No.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:58 (twenty years ago)

i think it's a much better idea than moving in with your CO.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 19:59 (twenty years ago)

CO?

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:00 (twenty years ago)

The only caution I will give you is that moving to the new city/state and then moving in together thing can be not the ideal if you don't have a good support system there in the event things do go wrong (it sucks to have no friends and go through a breakup, but it's double-y worse if you don't have any friend's couches to crash on.)

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:00 (twenty years ago)

Correctional officer, I guess.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:01 (twenty years ago)

I have a couple of friends that live up there & tons of people in chicago (where i live now). I feel pretty realistically confident about the relationship (then again, i guess you never know). My backup plan would be to either a) use the local friends or b) move back to chicago.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:04 (twenty years ago)

It's okay, I have lots of friends in Mpls!

Or you can probably stay with Dan Perry's family.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:06 (twenty years ago)

i say go for it! this is a totally amateur opinion though.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:07 (twenty years ago)

wocka! wocka!

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:07 (twenty years ago)

There are loads of art things and shows to go and see in Mpls and a lot of young 20s/30s people so you won't fall into that rut of only hanging out with boyf. It is often cheaper to go for cheap Vietnamese and Mexican dinners rather than to go to the grocery store and people are pretty friendly, especially if you are the kind of person who strikes up conversations easily and already has a few friends to ease the transition to a new place.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:10 (twenty years ago)

that's a good point. i kinda think it might be easier to meet new people if we live together b/c then i won't be planning all this free time of mine around his free time & figuring out how we're going to meet up & all that.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:13 (twenty years ago)

Be careful because one can wind up doing that wherever your boyf hangs his hat.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:14 (twenty years ago)

also: does it matter if this is my first time & not his

are we talking about living with an SO here, yes?

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:15 (twenty years ago)

yes. not sex.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:15 (twenty years ago)

Be careful because one can wind up doing that wherever your boyf hangs his hat.

What do you mean?

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:16 (twenty years ago)

Then it could be even better, as he will already be aware of some of the stumbling blocks of living together, and should be more accomodating of you 'mistakes'. If you know what I mean.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:20 (twenty years ago)

(xpost, of course)

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:20 (twenty years ago)

I have never had a good "living together" experience. I haven't compared notes with anyone else on this, but I always assumed it was me. I need, nay, DEMAND a LOT of space and alone time. I could be the most love-struck person in the world, but the thought of having to spend every last bit of all my free time in the world with the same person makes me nauseated. Also, living together is never just that. It's commingling finances, for one thing, which is better left undone. One person will end up doing all the laundry and taking out all the trash, and woe if that person is you. Also there are social expectations on both sides. For all intents and purposes, you're married. You can't stay out as late as you want anymore. You have to account for having loser friends. You have to account for everything.

It's serious shit.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:21 (twenty years ago)

but it's not unlike that now. we go to each other's family gatherings, friends' weddings, etc. he's mentioned the finances already but i'm so used to living with a roommate that i think it won't be much much different finance-wise.
i think what i meant about it being easier to make friends . . . he's going to be in school & i feel like if i know he has a late class or study thing or whatever, i can take for granted that we'd both bed down in the same place & that i can just leave him a note saying that i'm out for the night & i'll see him later. that sort of thing.
i'm aware that i have a bit of a romanticized notion about living with him which is exactly what worries me about taking the plunge.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:26 (twenty years ago)

p.s. kenan, i go to bed early now anyway. ever since i started biking to work & lifting weights.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:27 (twenty years ago)

sounds like a good idea. just don't go to bed angry with each other.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:41 (twenty years ago)

I don't know about that! Everyone says that shit, and it's my natural tendency to work this out right away as well, but sometimes trying to resolve an argument when you're all mad at each other is actually NOT the best thing to do (go figure). It can be better just to go to sleep and make "sorry about last night" apologies in the light of morning.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 20:50 (twenty years ago)

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