I have just read the wrongest scene in a fantasy book ever written.

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An ancilliary male character is watching the female protagonist across a crowded marketplace. While he is distracted by her amazing beauty, her (female) teenaged sidekick decides to try to pick his pocket. Somehow (the text isn't clear on exactly how this happened) she misses his pocket and sticks her hand down his pants, grabs his scrotum and tries to wrench it off of his body. This leads to an uncomfortable confrontation where the female protagonist ends up flirting with the ancilliary character (in the middle of a crowded market) by jiggling his ballsack and saying, "Hmmm, no permanent damage! *wink*"

... Er?

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:38 (twenty years ago)

(Actually, I've read wronger things but they've generally fit into the story. This is just gratuitous scrotum play! FFS.)

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:40 (twenty years ago)

What was that from? "Debbie does Hogwarts"?

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:42 (twenty years ago)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812570812/qid=1119447807/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-9111939-8857665

I was completely fine with the book up until that scene. Now I am extremely dubious.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:45 (twenty years ago)

Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time series, volume 2,124,530: Balls of Faith.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:46 (twenty years ago)

The mere thought of 2+ billion pages of "The Wheel of Time" has made me break out in a cold, avaritic sweat.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:48 (twenty years ago)

Fitting the the person who once told me that these were good books was known for masturbating with a Snapple bottle.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:52 (twenty years ago)

(I should have expected something like this when the two male protagonists discovered that the female protagonist used to be a prostitute and decided that A: it was an appropriate topic to tease her about; and B: said teasing should revolve around the possibility of her restoring her maidenhead and reselling herself at virgin prices. So I was actually dubious about the book before the scrotum yank-and-bounce but was ignoring it because the rest of the story is actually entertaining, but the fact that she spent a page and a half lovingly detailing the agony of having someone attempt to abscond with your goodies kind of kicked the already suffering body of my "good taste" boundaries in the head.)

(xpost: OH SNAP I will never look at the ex-Marine co-worker who loaned me this book the same way again)

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 12:56 (twenty years ago)

Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
dragon sense, new warlord, root wall, mismatched eyes, sandy voice, cloaked man

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:00 (twenty years ago)

Lots of scenes follow in which Jo mistakes men's privates for coin purses

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:00 (twenty years ago)

The ball, his crotch, it works on so many levels!

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:01 (twenty years ago)

I'd have a sandy voice as well.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:04 (twenty years ago)

Rough and leathery, like you.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:05 (twenty years ago)

The characters are so stock that they seemed computer generated. I had definitely seen every one of them before, and most of the places I had seen them they were better done and more believable. Though Haydon makes an effort to portray people who are well-rounded and not necessarily nice, it fell flat. Even when the ogre-type was hlding forth about drinking the blood and eating the flesh of his enemies, he seemed to have been brought into being by the creators of My Little Pony.

― The Ghost of GIGGLETITS (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:05 (twenty years ago)

(I have half an hour left before going on holiday)

The back cover compares her to Tolkien. Stop turning in your grave brother Tolkien, I have come to defend your honor and put a stop to such a crude metaphor.

Moral: the customer review button is a powerful force for good and evil, but mostly for incomprehensibility.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:08 (twenty years ago)

Oh dear dear dear.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

Oh god, music magic. Suck ASS fantasy-by-numbers.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

BROTHER TOLKIEN!

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

I like the idea of a thoroughly convinced Catholic like Tolkien being addressed as 'brother,' that would have gotten his goat.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:10 (twenty years ago)

To be honest, if we're talking standard fantasy-mediaeval setting, there would be no pockets per se in the geezer's breeches, so his purse would indeed be stored in his keks. But mistaking a hairy scrotum for a wallet? "Imaginative".

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:11 (twenty years ago)

The best review on there is hilariously bad until you notice it's written by a kid, then it's kind of sweet.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:11 (twenty years ago)

Some quotes off the cover:

"A stunningly told tale by a new fantasy author who is sure to go far." - Anne McCaffrey

"In a genre choking with predictable worlds and characters, Haydon blows in on the fresh air of new insights and talents. A very auspicious beginning!" - Jennifer Roberson

"A well-worked out backdrop of impressive depth and appeal." - Kirkus Reviews

― The Ghost of There Is A Reason I Don't Read Roberson (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:13 (twenty years ago)

Good one, McCaffrey! How senile is she by now?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:14 (twenty years ago)

Bless Anne for Pern but beyond that...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:15 (twenty years ago)

You call it "fantasy literature", I call it life.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:16 (twenty years ago)

The Kirkus is wonderful in its evasiveness. "You can almost touch the matte paintings!"

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:16 (twenty years ago)

OMG Andrew you are so OTM:

A Kid's Review

I see all these bad reviwes, but it really isn't that bad of a book. I guess people don't know a good book when they see one. Yeah it may have same Sex, but everything elese is good. The charcters are well build and form into the story perfectly. Achmed, Grunthor, Jo, and the # one Rhapsody. Rhapsody in the beggining falls in love with a man called Gwydion who falls back in time by being transport by his son Meridion. Both meet, fall in love, plan to marry, then poof, he goes back to his time, and finds by his seer mother Anwyn that she has not come. but she tells him a half-lie. While she really walking deep down below the earth with two half breeds. One Bengard and Firbolg, the other half Dharacian and firbolg. Grunthor and Achmed meet, (I think) when Achmed runs to the desert up north, and meets him to get the message to take back to Tolsten, which is the Thousand Eye, F'Dor, his evil demon master. Achmed is called The Brother then but is changed when Rhapsody accidently renames him, and before that Ysk. Grunthor and The Brother run to Easton. There they escape into a crowd, and run into the back alleys. Meeeting up with the Rhapsody, running from the city gaurds, and pulling out the cwellian and shoot them, and steal horses in daylight, and run off. There they travel to the forest with the great tree Sagia and go into the deep depths of the earth, not only to run away, but to keep the sleeping child that lives down there from waking up. This story is fantastic, great, one of my personal favorites, and I still can't see why people can dislike this novel, it's a real treasure.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:17 (twenty years ago)

You call it "fantasy literature", I call it life.

Your balls are often mistaken for a wallet?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:19 (twenty years ago)

Yeah it may have same Sex, but everything elese is good.

Sign this kid up.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:19 (twenty years ago)

The charcters are well build and form into the story perfectly.

"... And I'll form the 'change purse'! *wink*"

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:20 (twenty years ago)

There's a story buried somewhere in ILE about a friend of mine accidentally yanking my balls, but I can't bother to rewrite it, and I don't have the time to search for it right now.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:21 (twenty years ago)

Actually, there are two different stories like that.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:22 (twenty years ago)

I love you, Tuomas.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:23 (twenty years ago)

Okay, I found the post I was referring to:

Well, let me tell you about two incidents in my life:

Incident 1

I'm sharing a bed with a male friend. I've fallen asleep, but then I wake up because someone is touching me. I've got my back against my friend, and I feel his hand stroking my ass underneath my panties. My still half-asleep brain tries to figure out the situation: "I'm on a bed. He's sharing it with me. There's no one else here besides him. So, logically, that could be only his hand... I must be dreaming! I MUST BE DREAMING!!".

Amazingly, I manage to go back to sleep. In the morning I ask my friend:

"What did you dream of last night?"

"Oh, I think I had a dream about my girlfriend."

"Yeah, it figures."

Incident 2

I'm sharing a bed with a female friend. We're sleeping with our arms around each other, because we're best friends. I'm still awake. Her hand starts to move; it goes underneath my panties and grabs my dick. I'm like, "Whoa, hold on! What the fuck!". She pulls her hand of very quickly. Apparently she was already half-asleep, and thought she was lying next to her boyfriend. It figures.

Such things happen between people, that's all I'm trying to say. Neither incident was particularly traumatic, because we talked about it afterwards and had a good laugh. End of story.

-- Tuomas (tuomas.alh...), June 22nd, 2004.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

OMG that was on the infamous "in bed with a sleepwanker" thread, wasn't it???

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

Yeah.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 13:42 (twenty years ago)

That sounds like some really horrible Lord of the Rings fanfiction written by a hormone addled 12 year old girl.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 16:51 (twenty years ago)

Were you really wearing panties, Tuomas?

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 16:58 (twenty years ago)

HAHAHAHAHA poor Tuomas.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 17:28 (twenty years ago)

Fun with ellipsis!

In a genre choking with predictable worlds and characters, Haydon blows... - Jennifer Roberson

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 19:02 (twenty years ago)

I finished this book, BTW. There's no actual resolution of the plot. The guy who got his balls yanked shows up at the end and pervs all over the main character, who happens to spend a significant portion of the final bit the book running through a meadow.

I wish this book had a scrotum that resembled a coin purse so that I could kick it until it puked blod.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 1 July 2005 17:00 (twenty years ago)

Aren't there several sequels?

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Friday, 1 July 2005 17:10 (twenty years ago)

Yes, there are.

GUESS WHO ISN'T GOING TO READ ANY OF THEM??? (hint: me)

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 1 July 2005 17:29 (twenty years ago)

because you're too busy re-reading Dr Who books to review on the Wedge?

― kit brash (kit brash), Saturday, 2 July 2005 09:11 (twenty years ago)

I wish this book had a scrotum that resembled a coin purse so that I could kick it until it puked blood.

!!!! I was going to mention "mixed metaphor", but that doesn't quite cover it, does it?

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Saturday, 2 July 2005 09:15 (twenty years ago)

How exactly do you masturbate WITH a snapple bottle?

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 3 July 2005 02:46 (twenty years ago)

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y298/hukl/staywithusbuddy.jpg

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Sunday, 3 July 2005 03:04 (twenty years ago)

three months pass...

Someone talk me out of buying the second book due to some annoying sense of morbid curiosity!

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:27 (twenty years ago)

Do not buy the second book unless you feel the need to act out all the parts.

(This thread is actually very sad when you realize it was one of the last that Liz posted on, and how she showed further proof of her coolness.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:32 (twenty years ago)

In fairness, it isn't. (And it doesn't)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:37 (twenty years ago)

I am being ~~too prickly~~ a prick about this, but she contributed to a lot of fine threads (and improved them) in the days before her death, and I can't believe she would have wanted any of them turned into a reliquary.

(I originally said "the days leading up to her death" but of course it was nothing of the sort)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:51 (twenty years ago)

Particularly the one about scrotums being nearly yanked off by fictional overenthusiastic pickpockets!

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:53 (twenty years ago)

Good point! How many days of your life did the previous one take up, so that we can measure the cost? Only joking, of course we want you to buy it!

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 16:58 (twenty years ago)

I read the first one primarily on the train, so I think I finished it over a... two week period? With the first two-thirds being devoured in the first two days?

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 17:03 (twenty years ago)

I kinda hope you literally devoured it, with soy sauce.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 17:06 (twenty years ago)

With fava beans and a nice chianti!

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 17:22 (twenty years ago)

You must read book two, to document any further scrotal damage.

― O'so Krispie (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 12 October 2005 17:41 (twenty years ago)

one month passes...

i find it funny that the name of the "ancient" city in this book is Easton. b/c it makes me think of easton, pennsylvania -- which is a down-in-the-dumps old factory town-cum-college town (lafayette college up on a hill).

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 20 November 2005 04:30 (nineteen years ago)

discus

― mimi in st. louis (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 20 November 2005 04:35 (nineteen years ago)

There is a lot of testicle handling in Easton Pennsylvaniam according to the US goverment. It raises eyebrows.

― Mike Hanle y 3000 (hanle y 3000), Sunday, 20 November 2005 05:24 (nineteen years ago)

There is a lot of testicle handling in Easton Pennsylvaniam according to the US goverment.

yeah -- when the sorority girls fondle lafayette college fratboys' balls!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 20 November 2005 10:15 (nineteen years ago)

and when the mayor "examines" his staff!

― Mike Hanle y 3000 (hanle y 3000), Sunday, 20 November 2005 10:26 (nineteen years ago)

"staff"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 20 November 2005 10:29 (nineteen years ago)

the mayor "examines" his "staff" , especially the "head" of the staff. The staff often comes early to work, especially when the staff has not been worked very hard the previous month.

― Mike Hanle y 3000 (hanle y 3000), Sunday, 20 November 2005 11:18 (nineteen years ago)

Dan, your bemused analysis surely deserves a place on the Amazon review page? Please, do a review. Here's that link again:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812570812/qid=1119447807/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-9111939-8857665

― moley, Sunday, 20 November 2005 11:35 (nineteen years ago)

five months pass...

I'm ashamed that in order to find my posting history, I have to type "ballsack" into Search, so I can find this thread and change Liz's name to mine in the above link. Sorry Liz, if you're watching somehow.

― JTS (JTS), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 20:09 (nineteen years ago)

You know that there's a "search" link at the bottom of every page, right?

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 20:42 (nineteen years ago)

that would be the search function he typed "ballsack" into, genius.

― TOMBOT (TOMBOT), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

He probably put it in the field up in the right-hand corner. If he used the link below, he could tweak his search request by name, date, etc.

GENUIS.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 20:57 (nineteen years ago)

(And that was a helluva moment for the dyslexia to kick in.)

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:02 (nineteen years ago)

AH ha ha!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:04 (nineteen years ago)

pwned

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:12 (nineteen years ago)

I got this book from a friend, who said it was a great retelling of a Japanese folktale:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312875592/qid=1147904992/sr=1-18/ref=sr_1_18/103-7831091-0047023?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

She neglected to say that it was fox porn.

― patita (patita), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:32 (nineteen years ago)

Wow.... for some reason I totally blanked the bottom half of that search page.

Woaoa, you can even see the New Answers page from a certain date! Woaoaoaaooaoa!

Liz, your good name will never be sullied again.

― JTS (JTS), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:43 (nineteen years ago)

"She neglected to say that it was fox porn."

I wonder if "The Animals of Farthing Wood" has ever been shown on Japanese TV?

― JTS (JTS), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:44 (nineteen years ago)

HA! Who's the moran now?

― PLEASANT PLAINS /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:51 (nineteen years ago)

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000WYC84.01.MZZZZZZZ.jpg

― late to the bloom to the er (latebloomer), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 21:56 (nineteen years ago)

It's fitting that this thread was revived because I once again almost accidentally bought volume 2 of this series over the weekend.

― Dan (Bad Id) Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:09 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

ONCE AGAIN I avoided buying volume 2 of this! Instead I bought books 1 and 2 of "The Black Magician Trilogy" by Trudi Canavan, both of which are already much better due to a complete and utter lack of attempted ballsack larceny.

― HI DERE, Tuesday, 10 July 2007 14:42 (eighteen years ago)

ballsack filching, surely

― Curt1s Stephens, Tuesday, 10 July 2007 18:20 (eighteen years ago)

ballsack fel- no, too easy

― HI DERE, Tuesday, 10 July 2007 18:23 (eighteen years ago)

cullion capers

― Curt1s Stephens, Tuesday, 10 July 2007 18:27 (eighteen years ago)

dan, i'm going to buy you this damn book if you won't already

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 10 July 2007 22:53 (eighteen years ago)

oh noes

― HI DERE, Wednesday, 11 July 2007 17:31 (eighteen years ago)

twelve years pass...

Been looking for this thread. Just so happens she was included in a Polish translated series of novels curated by Sapkowski (Witcher).

This series finished only a few years ago at 9 books! That's possibly a lot of scrotum to look forward to.

― Robert Adam Gilmour, Friday, 27 December 2019 19:22 (five years ago)

great revive

― hot nuts (small) (bizarro gazzara), Friday, 27 December 2019 20:37 (five years ago)

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