Lost Time

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I know I'm not a very regular poster so posting something this personal is kind of weird. But I think it would be good for me to get some perspective on this.

Have you ever felt a big portion of your life was wasted? Does thinking about those times fill you with regret and a horrible sense of mortality?

I'm 25 now, and I think just recently I came out of a shallow depression (I was never clinically diagnosed though) that started around 19 (maybe the shock of going to college started it). I was fairly sad most of the time. A bit of a loner. (I had friends but they were at different universities.) I didn't do much in college. Didn't date, didn't really meet new people. I spent a lot of time alone reading and thinking. I felt pretty crappy and kind of wallowed in existential literature and philosophy. To the point now where I am a phd student in English.

This february I kind of hit a low point. I wasn't suicidal or anything but I was close to tears everyday. But somehow (maybe with the help of all the shit i read when alone!) i was able to pick myself up. I asked a girl out. I started calling my friends to hang out more. I feel like being around people again. My social life has NEVER been this active.

But now I feel like complete shit all the time. Not the general sadness I was so comfortable in for so long, but just anxiety. I feel like I NEED people around now, because I am so afraid of being in that place I was in again. I also have terrible anxiety about those lost years. I almost obsess over them. It's a terrible feeling to look back and think "what the hell was I doing?" It sneaks up on me at the strangest times. (I have always had anxiety problems but now it's really found something to latch on to.)

Probably the worst part is that I have begun to question my motives for studying literature and philosophy. I think I was running away from life, rather than immersing myself in it like I thought I was. I don't know if I can continue to study it anymore.

Does anyone else ever feel this regret over lost time? How do you deal with it? CAN you deal with it or is it something I need to learn to live with? Am I just getting older and that's it?

― ryan (ryan), Sunday, 3 July 2005 20:13 (nineteen years ago)

I think a big part of this is that I feel kind of like I missed my window of opportunity. I Haven't ever had any serious relationships or made new friends since high school. (Thank god I still have a few friends from high school who never abandoned me.)

― ryan (ryan), Sunday, 3 July 2005 20:17 (nineteen years ago)

I'm with you on the "window of opportunity" thing. I'm 27, and so many of my friends are in long-term serious relationships (if not actually married) that it definitely feels like I've missed the boat as far as having relationships is concerned. My last long-term relationship ended nearly five years ago, and apart from one short patch I've been celibate ever since.

(one of my schoolfriends and his partner are due to have their first child any day now, incidentally; it's the first child among the group of schoolfriends that I'm still in contact with)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Sunday, 3 July 2005 20:21 (nineteen years ago)

The acute feelings of regret and fear will diminish into total complacency soon enough, if you're anything like me. :_(

― Aaron A., Sunday, 3 July 2005 20:24 (nineteen years ago)

Time wasted, no. Opportunities and plans, yes, and I have regrets, but not so much that I feel like it's all been for naught. Much I still hope for is entirely possible, and I hope in my own way to have helped more than hurt.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 3 July 2005 20:26 (nineteen years ago)

i watched tv during my lost years, so at least you got some reading done.
window of oppertunity is just bullshit, for one thing not evryone is sposed to end up in a long term stable relationship, the important thing is just to enjoy yourself and see what happens. Relationships happen cos' all of a sudden you bump into someone you feel right with, its so rare (especially for smart people) that to wonder about it is a total waste of time. The truth is that you dont know why your friends are in the relationships they are in, lets hope its love, but perhaps its a fear of being alone that up until recently you never shared.
The needing to be with friends all the time thing is natural, its about trying to make up for lost time. Except that you cant and you can begin to define your own social life, rather than grabbing onto every opertunity for a pint that floats by (not hugely productive).
Remember allways that you are out of this depression, that what is important from now is to live a normal healthy life. Remember that depression is the easy option, it requires very littly planning, organisation or risk, all essential elements of a healthy social/personal life.
Last but not least, you are far from alone, we are all on different parts of different paths. I am a 27 year old car nut with a penchent for cultural theory who still lives at home, cant drive and is starting a masters in the fall. You see a 17 year old drive past in a BMW and such things can get depressing, but that is the easy option.

― lukey (Lukey G), Monday, 4 July 2005 10:38 (nineteen years ago)

ps forgive yourself

― lukey (Lukey G), Monday, 4 July 2005 10:39 (nineteen years ago)

This is exactly my situation. I wallow (especially since I broke up with my girlfriend) at all the time I've supposedly 'lost', even though common sense allows me to understand that none of the time we ever have is 'wasted'.

It's doublethink of the purest form--I 'know' that I haven't wasted any of my life, but I also 'know' that I have.

Not that this helps any, but maybe knowing you're not alone will make you feel a bit better.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Monday, 4 July 2005 10:47 (nineteen years ago)

Lukey is of course, OTM. I think that everyone can relate to your story in one way or another Ryan seeing as no-one ever lives their life to the full 24/7 and it is impossible to achieve everything one wants in a lifetime. It's definitely not worth beating yourself up about, and the worst thing you can do is worry about the past. You've beaten depression and now you deserve a big pat on the back instead of agonising over your so-called "lost years". If you really must look back, think about what you managed to achieve during that time rather than what you didn't do.
Changing your lifestyle can be a bit of a culture shock at first but you'll settle into it, so long as you take each day at a time and take it easy. No one ever did themselves any favours by worrying about the past.

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 4 July 2005 11:06 (nineteen years ago)

lukey... brilliant. yes. listen to lukey

― dahlin (dahlin), Monday, 4 July 2005 11:07 (nineteen years ago)

go out, and live life.

really

― charltonlido (gareth), Monday, 4 July 2005 11:16 (nineteen years ago)

well done lukey ive also overcome depression, they weren't "lost years" but more gained experiences, you know that you can deal with tougher things now, you've probably grown from your experience in ways you havn't seen yourself but others will know. And now you have had some tough times, go out and have some great times, and take photos, theyre always good for cheering you up to look at a great party, or a nice sunny day.

― battlingspacemonkey (battlingspacemonkey), Monday, 4 July 2005 11:51 (nineteen years ago)

thanks a lot guys. I do feel like i have learned a lot. spending that much time with yourself can be harmful, but if you can come out of it in one piece you learn some invaluable things.

ps forgive yourself

yeah. good advice. this is the hardest part i think. i'll get it one day. (maybe once i get my life completely back on track.)

― ryan (ryan), Monday, 4 July 2005 16:13 (nineteen years ago)

four years pass...

hope we all felt v productive in those four years

― kind-hearted, sensitive keytar player (Abbott), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 04:32 (fifteen years ago)

ps forgive yourself

Advice I can relate to.

― Bob Six, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 07:10 (fifteen years ago)

this "4 years pass..." thingy is depressing me

― baaderonixx, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 08:05 (fifteen years ago)

seven years pass...

Didn't date, didn't really meet new people. I spent a lot of time alone reading and thinking.

possibility toxicity

― j., Monday, 5 December 2016 02:07 (eight years ago)

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