Money Magazine's 100 Best Suburban Hellholes to Live 2005

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Rich people are funny:

http://money.cnn.com/best/bplive/winners.html


1 Moorestown, NJ  20,700  Philadelphia 
2 Bainbridge Island, WA  21,600  Seattle 
3 Naperville, IL  163,900  Chicago 
4 Vienna, VA  61,700  Washington, DC 
5 Louisville, CO  32,400  Boulder 
6 Barrington, RI  16,800  Providence 
7 Middleton, WI  21,400  Madison 
8 Peachtree City, GA  35,800  Atlanta 
9 Chatham, NJ  17,600  New York City 
10 Mill Valley, CA  29,200  San Francisco

Pick your sprawls, ladies & gentlemen.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 11 July 2005 18:48 (twenty years ago)

NAPERVILLE IS NUMBER THREE OH WHAT A SURPRISE

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 11 July 2005 18:53 (twenty years ago)

Yuck, no thanks.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Monday, 11 July 2005 18:53 (twenty years ago)

What was the criteria, sheer boredom factor?

Actually I never, ever, ever want to hear another thing about housing markets or best places to live or blah blah blah blah blah. It is my goal in life to never own a house. It is my goal in life to be as irresponsible as possible. It is my goal in life to spend my money on breast implants instead of trust funds for my kids.

Fuck this best place to live nonsense. I want to live in urban hell! I don't want to die with a large amount of cash left behind! I don't want "equity" and "assets"!

SOMEONE ELSE JOIN MY REVOLUTION.

― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Monday, 11 July 2005 18:59 (twenty years ago)

I like how "number of golf courses" was a parameter.. haha.. "best places to live" aimed at the already-well-off-so-why-does-it-fucking-matter-anyway? shocker.

― donut e- (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:02 (twenty years ago)

Then again, Gary Wilson, ex-The Far Side lives somewhere in the islands west and north of Seattle, possibly Bainbridge Island, where I think he's a jazz music instructor, or does that to pass the time.. so, I dunno. I wouldn't call Bainbridge Island a suburban hellhole.. there are plenty worse closer to Seattle than that, actually...

― donut e- (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:06 (twenty years ago)

i live on the border of aurora and naperville, trying to spend most my time in aurora is like trying to keep in the shade on a boiling day

― pete densmore, Monday, 11 July 2005 19:08 (twenty years ago)

http://www.dopebeatz.co.uk/acatalog/biggiemomoney.jpg

― Jimmy Mod Is Sick of Being The Best At Everything (ModJ), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:08 (twenty years ago)

louisville? grodey, man

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:10 (twenty years ago)

for even more fun, check the state-by-state breakdown.

http://money.cnn.com/best/bplive/statelist.html

which they for some reason call the "breakout".

Two of Michigan's finalists were Saline, an overly-wealthy surbuban of Ann Arbor, and Rochester, which is for Detroit.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I can't say all of these places are "suburban hellholes". Mill Valley certainly isn't, for example... I can't think of too many cities besides San Francisco, Berkeley, and Oakland that are "better" actually (within the ILXOR parameters, that is.)

― donut e- (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)

barrington! ha!

― dahlin (dahlin), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)

(Mill Creek, WA on the other hand..... *shudder*)

― donut e- (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)

Then again, Gary Wilson, ex-The Far Side lives somewhere in the islands west and north of Seattle

His name is Gary Larson, but we get your drift nonetheless.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)

True, some of them reek of "charming, small-town americana for those who can afford only the very best"

Like a Prairie Home Companion made flesh, only for those with bigger cars and more-right-leaning politics.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:17 (twenty years ago)

Blue States rule this chart.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:18 (twenty years ago)

His name is Gary Larson, but we get your drift nonetheless.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
<Emily Latella> Never mind! :) </Emily Latella>

That said, Gary Wilson was "on the FAR SIDE, MAAAAAN".

― donut e- (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:19 (twenty years ago)

i went to school in barrington. you can look at the boats on the water there. and they have guilford, ct on the list! my family helped to build that town, by gum! my great-grandfather was the founder of the yacht club in sachem's head! my sister is buried there next to grandpa.i've been meaning to pay a visit. i think you could by a one-car garage out there for under a million. and new milford! holy toledo. now you are talking my teenage stomping grounds. my grandparents lived there till my grandfather went mad and died. and i lived there too with my brother till i went mad and almost died and ran back to philly. i have fond memories though. good old new mildew.

― scott seward (scott seward), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)

god, i miss living in a city.

― scott seward (scott seward), Monday, 11 July 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)

wow, none of the N. TX suburban shitholes made the top 50. I figured at least one Dallas outpost (Frisco, maybe - they've got an Ikea, pro soccer and minor league baseball) would place.

― milo, Monday, 11 July 2005 20:18 (twenty years ago)

hahaha how does one choose between Aurora and Naperville??

― oops (Oops), Monday, 11 July 2005 20:21 (twenty years ago)

Chatham, NJ is actually a nice, quaint little town. I wouldn't mind living there if I was in my 50s or something.

― Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 11 July 2005 20:23 (twenty years ago)

Moorestown, NJ is also a very nice little town.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 11 July 2005 20:43 (twenty years ago)

Wow. Louisville? It's been ten years since I lived in Colorado but I don't remember Louisville being any good. Much less top ten good.

Owning houses is for suckers who think lawn care is a reasonable hobby.

― pullapartgirl (pullapartgirl), Monday, 11 July 2005 20:44 (twenty years ago)

Mill Valley is quite nice!

― Nevada Lime (nordicskilla), Monday, 11 July 2005 20:47 (twenty years ago)

Newberry Park is in the top 100. pahaha.

Coronado is #25.. I'd probably live there if given a chance...

― Stuh-du-du-du-du-du-du-denka (jingleberries), Monday, 11 July 2005 21:11 (twenty years ago)

smaller towns are more diy. that's not always a bad thing.

ally and pullpartgirl are otm about house ownership in theory, but for me in my situation, it just doesn't work in practice. not anymore. renting is more and more expensive. plus, you piss your money away. sure, i can't take it with me, but i would much rather my kids or the local food bank or somebody i care about have my dough than our jackass landlord that fixes nothing and gouges us. i'm tired of not having a dog. i'm tired of not being able to do what we want to our home.

i think that can be done without becoming a card carrying jackass.
m.

― msp (mspa), Monday, 11 July 2005 21:13 (twenty years ago)

I would like to buy a condo someday so I can avoid pissing money away, paint the walls any damn color I like, and never ever have to cut grass again.

― pullapartgirl (pullapartgirl), Monday, 11 July 2005 21:15 (twenty years ago)

Guys, this one is really funny:

97 Dyer, IN 16,800

I guess things are soooo bad for the yuppies that they are now living in Dyer, which used to have kind of a "hayseed" reputation.

That's too bad, since there are nice houses elsewhere in that area. However along with those nice, affordable brick homes comes the indignity of having to live and shop among darkies.

I believe Dyer is near Crown Point, which is known for Nazis.

― VM 9001 (dymaxia), Monday, 11 July 2005 21:30 (twenty years ago)

yeah Mill Valley is good.

― kyle (akmonday), Monday, 11 July 2005 21:48 (twenty years ago)

I'm sitting in #53! WTF! So vanilla.

When they say the bars, restaurants, etc. within 15 miles they mean "you can get in your car and drive through streets of chain restaurants and shopping complexes until you find a suitable establishment on the border of the real city" for the most part. Great place to live means that nothing in particular is going to happen in your neighborhood, whether it be crime or great art.

― mike h. (mike h.), Monday, 11 July 2005 22:01 (twenty years ago)

many xpost to Milo, Colleyville was number 40. But I expected more as well. The Metroplex is crawling with communities like this.

― Bruce Bwned (Matt Chesnut), Monday, 11 July 2005 22:37 (twenty years ago)

Mill Valley is quite nice!

I lived there for 5 years and went to school there for 7. Meh...

― M. White (Miguelito), Monday, 11 July 2005 22:41 (twenty years ago)

The Metroplex often feels like it IS one big community like this (I didn't even notice Colleyville, oops). Except I had a guy flash a pistol at me in traffic in Arlington last week, so I guess that would eliminate at least one semi-burb from Money's list (if all the poor non-white people didn't anyway).

Surprised to see Sugar Land make it. I thought that was a redneck backwater, given its most famous resident.

― milo, Monday, 11 July 2005 22:43 (twenty years ago)

When I saw that the top two entries for Minnesota were Chanhassen and ROCHESTER, I knew this list was bullshit. In what universe is Rochester, a municipality that's what, 2-3 hours away from the Twin Cities metro area, not a city in its own right??? Why not list Duluth while you're at it?

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 11 July 2005 22:46 (twenty years ago)

They had Eden Prairie listed as a contender too, Dan. Eurgh.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 11 July 2005 22:54 (twenty years ago)

I was very surprised to see that every town on the "top 10 list for most golf courses" is in the chicago area.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 11 July 2005 23:11 (twenty years ago)

I lived there for 5 years and went to school there for 7. Meh...

Would you rather have preferred Walnut Creek or Concord?

― donuty! donuti! donuté! (donut), Monday, 11 July 2005 23:41 (twenty years ago)

oooh Barrington, RI!

This town is often compared to my old hometown, but it is more suburban and less has quirkiness to it. Supposedly my mom says that all the teachers in her school system that live there are wingnuts. I never hung out there.

― no tech! (ex machina), Monday, 11 July 2005 23:45 (twenty years ago)

Their Ohio finalists: Well, Solon's at least in Cuyahoga County, though I thought all the big money there had bugged out to Aurora. I never drank the Kool-Aid re: Hudson. Canfield, Uniontown, Powell: just say no to outmigration.

― Jeff Wright (JeffW1858), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:01 (twenty years ago)

Chatam NJ????

― lyra (lyra), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:40 (twenty years ago)

Apparently the #1 criterion in picking these areas is the sheer whiteness of them. The S.A. suburb they picked is Snobby Whiteyville, which is nothing at all like the suburb near where Bruce Bwned lives. The housing prices in Boerne are at least 30% more than what housing prices are like in a really good neighborhood In Town -- a sizeable difference when you think about it. I am still surprised, though, that they picked an S.A. suburb -- they would have never done that even five years ago. Odd.

― The Kind and Benevolent Oracle of Dee (Dee the Lurker), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:43 (twenty years ago)

I like Chatham

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:47 (twenty years ago)

i dont know which is worse, living in naperville or living in champaign.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:55 (twenty years ago)

i've never lived in naperville -- just near it -- but champaign is way worse.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:57 (twenty years ago)

yeah, that is my sentiment too. its such a black hole.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 01:58 (twenty years ago)

just knowing that chicago is 100 miles further away from there than if you're in naperville is enough to give one the fear.
plus there's NO good beef places and only one place that has good stuffed pizza.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:01 (twenty years ago)

I don't think Chatam is bad, I just don't get the randomness of picking it over Chester or Madison or some other town near it.

― lyra (lyra), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:05 (twenty years ago)

and even the art theater sucks balls these days.

xpost

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:05 (twenty years ago)

at least champaign has a good record store, tho.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:06 (twenty years ago)

which one? parasol? because record service went out of business last year...

parasol mailorder is good though, some pretty good current psych stuff and minimal crap.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:20 (twenty years ago)

wait where's parasol? downtown?

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:22 (twenty years ago)

That said, Gary Wilson was "on the FAR SIDE, MAAAAAN".
Gary Wilson fucking rules.

I'm amused by the inclusion of Daphne, Alabama (on the east side of Mobile Bay, directly on I-10) although it makes sense to me. Fairhope (two towns to the south) got a nicer downtown, though.

― Ian Riese-Moraine: that obscure object of desire. (Eastern Mantra), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:25 (twenty years ago)

mucho xpost to Dee, the suburb to which you are referring (Helotes) has other reasons why it wouldn't make this list, like the dudes with 20 ft tall trucks with Confederate flag decals blasting Jay-Z. But a lot of my friends also live there so it gets the high bro rating.

― Bruce Bwned (Matt Chesnut), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:27 (twenty years ago)

parasol is actually in urbana on griggs street... a couple blocks from race and just south of university ave.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:27 (twenty years ago)

kinda kitty corner to that parking garage? has a bunch of vinyl but not that many cds?

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:30 (twenty years ago)

the record exchange went outta biz? fuck.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:31 (twenty years ago)

oh, there is a new place called exile on main street in downtown champaign that is kinda ok, but i cant see it lasting more than a few months. it really doesnt fit a niche and you can find almost everything that they carry at best buy for 2 bucks cheaper.

xpost... um, there is no parking garage that i can think of near there. its kinda in a residential area. they also carry more cds than vinyl, but their vinyl selection is pretty decent. i think the place you may be thinking of is record swap that

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:33 (twenty years ago)

carries a bunch of vinyl. xpost

the record exchange seems way way overpriced and doesnt really carry much current stuff. much of their stock looks like it was bought from radio stations that were changing from records to cds.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:35 (twenty years ago)

what's where record exchange used to be? lemme guess. a starbucks.

xpost no record swap in in campustown on green still, right?
was periscope before your time?

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:35 (twenty years ago)

yeah that's why it was great! it used to be cheap tho.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:36 (twenty years ago)

there are no record shops left in campustown. record service was the last one which was near green and wright, but it closed last may.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:38 (twenty years ago)

i meant record service! i think. this is getting confusing.
xpost yes record service. and record swap used to be across the street, upstairs.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:39 (twenty years ago)

campustown is basically just bars, restaurants and coffeehouses now. very sad.

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 02:42 (twenty years ago)

This is a weird list, nothing like the usual "best cities" contests. For the DC area you get Vienna, Ellicot City and Gaithersburg? What about the old standbys of Alexandria and Arlington? Too expensive? Alexandria will go toe to toe with ANYONE when it comes to faux-small town cutesiness.

― Chris H. (chrisherbert), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 07:20 (twenty years ago)

100 Best Places for your (upper) Middle-Class Parents to Live

― kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 12:56 (twenty years ago)

By the way, if you're considering moving (to Naperville or elsewhere) this website has some good information for comparing cities statistics:
http://www.bestplaces.net/

― geyser muffler and a quarter (Dave225), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 13:01 (twenty years ago)

Would you rather have preferred Walnut Creek or Concord?

Good God no!

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 14:33 (twenty years ago)

Chanhassen

Two words: DINNER THEATER.

...please, by all means, continue to rent for the rest of your lives. From me, preferably. Suckers.

― giboyeux (skowly), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 15:05 (twenty years ago)

I don't think Chatam is bad, I just don't get the randomness of picking it over Chester or Madison or some other town near it.

this is true. likewise, moorestown isn't THAT much nicer than voorhees (and there's NO WAY IN HELL that it's nicer than princeton or lawrenceville).

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 15:52 (twenty years ago)

solon is so gross... the ugliest new bulid developments/mcmansions and horrible horrible traffic jams caused by unanticipated levels of white flight.

― lauren (laurenp), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 16:10 (twenty years ago)

I don't get Chanhassen's status as a finalist one bit, and the dinner theater (which I used to work at once upon a time) doesn't answer anything since it's been there forever. My best guess is that Chanhassen's finally emerged in the last ten years out of the city-snatchers' pod as another cookie-cutter 'burb.

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Tuesday, 12 July 2005 18:25 (twenty years ago)

Alexandria will go toe to toe with ANYONE when it comes to faux-small town cutesiness.

Yay my city. Oh wait.

― Mary (Mary), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 01:38 (twenty years ago)

Middleton isn't bad at all.

Scott, did you go to Barrington High School or the private school there? OMG two of my college roommates grew up there, I've been there for weeks at a time, I've been to Cumbie's and macked on high school girls at parties, OMG please reply

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 01:55 (twenty years ago)

my former neighbors from a true suburban hellhole retired to bainbridge island. we visited them once and it very beautiful and not quite typically suburban, although i think quite expensive. it had a very relaxed feel, although i remember that mudslides were a problem. the entire back of their house was windowed and looked accross the water to the seattle skyline.

― tehresa (tehresa), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 01:57 (twenty years ago)

Rochester, a municipality that's what, 2-3 hours away from the Twin Cities metro area

Dan you are a Twin City Provincialite, Rochester is exactly one hour from St. Paul by highway; I've driven it, many people use it as a "bedroom" community. Doesn't mean you're wrong about the list being bullshit, but (as God kinda said to Prince) you have to hate it for the right reasons.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 02:00 (twenty years ago)

Bainbridge Island is nice. A number of my friends have houses over there, and it's very cute and twee.

― lyra (lyra), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 02:25 (twenty years ago)

IT IS MORE THAN AN HOUR.

...by about 20 min. Please refrain from fronting.

― giboyeux (skowly), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 05:30 (twenty years ago)

Giboyeux, I like how you stick up for your friends, but I don't front, I'm ALL BACK. I made that trip in a little more than an hour, but it was late at night and I was pissed off and hungry and didn't care if I got a ticket.

But the point is that even 80 minutes is less than 120 to 180 minutes, and 80 minutes is not unheard of for suburban commute, and Rochester's northern suburban communities would be even closer than that, and WTF calling me a fronter WHEN I AM RIGHT.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 16:54 (twenty years ago)

Bainbridge Island is far too small to be considered a suburb in the Naperville sense of the word, and far to beautiful in its own right as well. It's just a shame that it's kept away from the public at large, since it really is quite lovely... a hellhole by no means. Kent, on the other hand...but I can't imagine anyone choosing to live there.

― Sparkle Motion's Rising Force, Wednesday, 13 July 2005 17:22 (twenty years ago)

No doubt much of the results had to do with quality of the schools. no? You (and by "you," I mean "I") find that priorities change a little once you have kids.

― Josh in Chicago (Josh in Chicago), Wednesday, 13 July 2005 17:25 (twenty years ago)

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