Desperation!

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We all know desperation to be an unattractive quality. But do we know why it is?

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:52 (twenty years ago)

because, in a sense it seems counter-intuitive, the more you can be seen to want something, the more ppl will think that you actually do want something.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:55 (twenty years ago)

Because it puts undue pressure on the other party.

― In the springtime of the year / Kate (papa november), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:55 (twenty years ago)

I find desperation extremely attractive in a woman, for reasons you can imagine. I suppose it implies you have some reason to be desperate.

― posadist, Monday, 18 July 2005 21:56 (twenty years ago)

space
desire to punch above weight
desire for excitement
wish to do the best you can
ability to live own life free of constriction
DESIRE TO BE WANTED NOT NEEDED

― charltonlido (gareth), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:56 (twenty years ago)

no, it's because the more you seem to need something, the more you seem like you don't have anything to give.

― Tigerstyle Shamanic Vision Quester (sexyDancer), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:57 (twenty years ago)

that is true, in some situations, Kate. Obviously I was thinking in terms of relationships when I first thought of posting the question, but then I recalled reading some advice about job interviews which effectively said the same thing, ie don't for God's sake get down on yr knees and say "Please please please give me a job!"

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:58 (twenty years ago)

not being desperate does *not* come naturally to me

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:00 (twenty years ago)

I always seem desperate when I'm not especially. I guess I just like to overstate my feelings about things.

― In the springtime of the year / Kate (papa november), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:01 (twenty years ago)

also, desperate people are seriously annoying. get one life

― charltonlido (gareth), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:03 (twenty years ago)

(no comment)

i guess one problem w/desperation in the context of a relationship is that the other party wonders whether you really want *them* or just *somebody*.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:03 (twenty years ago)

i remember seeing a Greek guy on Blind Date once. He was one of thre three men the girl had to pick and he actually shouted out "I'm desperate!" in response to one of the questions. This wasn't the sum total of his response - it wasn't that extreme - but it made me wonder whether the desperation thing might be cultural rather than universal. I strongly suspect (and suspected) that it *is* universal. And that the guy was a bit weird.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:06 (twenty years ago)

I think the desperation = BAD thought process goes like this: Why would someone be desperate for a job or relationship? Because they can't get one. Why can't they get one? Because they lack the necessary skills or qualities to get a job or attract a mate. So someone being desparate means that they lack necessary qualities or skills and are therefore unsuitable for the available role.

Note that I am not making judgments, just trying to disect the thought process.

― pullapartgirl (pullapartgirl), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:13 (twenty years ago)

hm, this may get too personal (at least for me), but when i was younger and had only my second relationship i was asked point blank, 'why do you think you haven't been in many relationships?' i.e. 'what's wrong with you?' i was thinking, 'well, do you like me or not? what does it matter?' but of course i mumbled 'i dunno.'

i guess the point is no one likes to feel like they were some kind of default choice for someone desperate for intimacy.

bleh.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:16 (twenty years ago)

ugh, and when they are clingy! fuck off!

― charltonlido (gareth), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:17 (twenty years ago)

we're desperate! get used to it!

THAT'S TOUGH SHIT

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:20 (twenty years ago)

If someone is "desperate" relationship-wise and they're showing an interest in me I'm going to wonder if they really like me or if they'd just take anything they could get. I'd have to be desperate myself to look beyond that.

Same thought process if I was an employer and looking at someone desperate for work.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:27 (twenty years ago)

If someone is "desperate" relationship-wise and they're showing an interest in me I'm going to wonder if they really like me or if they'd just take anything they could get

i think everyone wonders this.

Same thought process if I was an employer and looking at someone desperate for work.

i know some very skilled, qualified people who are having trouble finding steady work. it's just the way things are right now. if i were an employer i'd look at someone's willingness to work as a GOOD sign.

― jody heatherton (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:30 (twenty years ago)

This is true. But say you give a job to a known desperate - how loyal will they really be? What's to stop them from jumping ship as soon as something else comes along. You want people who are willing to work - but more importantly who WANT to work. For you.

i think everyone wonders this.
Uh.. what kind of people are you dating?! That thought has crossed my mind, maybe, once in my dating career.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:38 (twenty years ago)

desperation is non-discriminating. passion can be discriminating - the lover throws himself at her feet because he knows that she is the only one for him, versus desperation - he throws himself at everybody's feet because he can't tell or doesn't care about the difference.

(as a hopeless romantic, i always want to throw myself at the feet of people i barely know, if only because i have already fantasized that they are awesome before really knowing whether they are. it's not desperation as much as the sign of an overactive imagination, but it's usually received as the former rather than the latter.)

― yuengling participle (rotten03), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 01:12 (twenty years ago)

I think it's a heavily weighted factor in the mate-selection program. Desparation is indicitive of someone who hasn't been rated highly by other potential mates, so clearly there must be something wrong with them.

Of course, it becomes self-fulfilling after a while. It prevents people who are low in the rankings from ever escaping their fate. It's completely unfair, of course, but mate selection is incredibly unfair and extremely clumpy.

― mikef (mfleming), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 01:50 (twenty years ago)

oh blah, I meant to not post that.

― mikef (mfleming), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 04:58 (twenty years ago)

Desperate, but not serious.

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 07:31 (twenty years ago)

Desperate, but incredibly lazy.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 08:04 (twenty years ago)

i'm just desperate.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 11:19 (twenty years ago)

for a housewife?

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 11:24 (twenty years ago)

Nah, just some (fairly kinky) sex with cuddling in-between.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 11:26 (twenty years ago)

I guess it's just not cool to be desperate. Being cool is about acting comfortable in any situation and knowing what to do; not flinching when there's a power cut or a loud noise; not fretting about their looks etc.

People who are "OMG, I can't eat this or I'll put on weight!" or "Eeek! A mouse!" or "How am I ever going to do (such and such)?" etc, are in my eyes unattractive because it's likely to be all you're going to hear and it becomes a strain and a bore. I would never want to go out with someone who is constantly and needlessly fretting about their weight for instance, because it means they are looking for problems that are not there and then it becomes my problem too.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 11:31 (twenty years ago)

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