Social withdrawal three way tie for last: depression vs. detachment vs. disassociation

I certainly wouldn't label myself social to begin with (see Hell Is Other People At Breakfast) but communicating has generally been pretty easy with some sort of abstraction layer of email, SMS, or IM in between. Since February though, I've pretty much dropped out of sight. Not too much of an issue so far because this is all typical for me, especially when I'm on the downswing of a mood cycle.

Anyway, lately my usual social ennui has ratcheted up into a detached sabotage. I'd cancel out on the few plans I'd make. "How's it going?" emails would be deleted without answer. Phone calls unreturned and the few successful ones punctuated by short answers and uncomfortable periods of silence from my end. Textbook avoidant behavior but not, as far as I can tell, a product of the usual anxiety of disapproval, rejection, or ineptness and I'm still not 100% consistent because I have no problem making it to work (more on that in a sec)

Still it certainly seems like major depression. I've got all the symptoms: Unwillingness to interact? Check. Irregular sleeping? Ummm... I've currently been awake for a little over 36 hours (and this isn't the first time) so big check. Loss of interest in things? Hmmmmm. I haven't been bothered to listen to anything outside of WFMU podcasts and haven't bothered with the news much so check. Loss of appetite? My diet has pretty much been limited to coffee and the occasional taco, so check there. Generalized pessimism? Check. Paranoia? No more than usual for me, so perhaps no check for now.

What I find odd is that I can self-analyse all this and be completely detached about the whole thing. The emotional upheaval that I'm causing to myself and others never processes - almost as if the whole works was just unplugged (disassociation?). My gut says "Enh. Whatever. Everyone is just going to do their own thing so who cares." I can't qualify it any more than that.

Complicating factor #1: Since the abortive move to NYC I've been staying at my mom's which itself a major issue because the house is insanely cluttered (we're talking pathological cluttering here). What's left of my stuff is either in storage or in the trunk of my car because there's simply no room available except for me. Long-term effect? Steady emotional corrosion. I can be transient when I'm traveling all over the place, but not in a situation where I can't even use the kitchen. Basically I go home to sleep when the local coffee bar w/internet access closes and then I'm out early in the morning to catch the train. Like I said, lately I've just been staying up. This might change hopefully in the short-term when I start a new job (more on that below).

Complicating factor #2: Although I've really been enjoying work (it's the only thing I've been happy with), it's been irregular and occasionally stressful. It's all part-time consulting work that pays pretty well but for every day when people are adults and I can concentrate without interruption there's a day where it doesn't seem to come together. Compounding that I've been feeling that if there's a day when I'm not working then I'm being a tremendous flake that's one step away from bankruptcy. Again, this might change hopefully in the short-term when I start a new job (more on that below)

Complicating factor #3: A family member is dying with terminal cancer at the moment and one of his sons dealt with it by transforming from a mild-mannered and upwardly-mobile O.C. power-lawyer into an obnoxious Christian fundamentalist who curses out his dad at every moment and tells him that his cancer is God's punishment for being a terrible father and that he's going to hell. I'm not directly in the middle of this exchange now, but when I first heard about it I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach repeatedly. I can't say that I feel any different now, but at least everyone else on the front lines with him has been wonderful.

Complicating factor #4: I'm the last person to kvetch about age, but I can't help but think that I should have some elements of my life figured out by the time I turn 40 (which occurs in three months).

The ironic factor to all this is that I had a job interview last week in the middle of one of these 50 hour jags of insomnia and completely hit it out of the park. I figure I was so emotionally detached then that my usual interview anxiety and nervousness never engaged and I somehow came across as someone worth hiring. Nevertheless, I found myself coming up with reasons to not take it (I did take it though). Go figure.

Anyway, off to internally debate whether or not to ask a mod to delete this thread. Like I said at the start, I'm not looking for sympathy or really anything at the moment...