LiveJournal: A Litany of Sycophants

Someone got a dictionary for their birthday!

As for sycophants, I've seen that side of it too - the goth camwhore who has a slavering pile of idiot followers she's never even met, fawning over her every dribble about how she hates herself and why's she get shouted at in the street just for wearing a nazi hat (I'm not making this up, bear with me), and the same dribbling mob leaping to her defence in a vicious frenzy if someone else dares criticise her morbid, sick nazi-fetishism. Thats a real-life example of a young lady I actually know, and its pretty farking hilarious.

But this story isn't about freshmen year.

You see when Joe returned from summer break and started sophmore year, he was a born again badass. Actually he wasn't. He was still a spaz and a loser, but he THOUGHT he was a badass, so now he was an asshole on top of all his other shitty qualities. He started hanging around with the 4-20 SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY crew and working overtime at being a stoner. He become the lamest, more unfunny class clown in history. He started failing every class since he wouldn't do the work, wouldn't pay attention, would skip most classes, and was hated by every teacher. He was heading toward being kicked out since my school was private and it's attitude was that it wasn't being paid enough for this crap (500 people freshmen year, 300 senior, that school was brutal).

Of course his new XXXXtreme edgy attitude didn't go over well with his parents, who he now constantly fought with, and who had him going to a psychologist.

Which brings me toward the point and end of this story.

You see, this was a catholic school I went to and so occasionally had special occasion masses. Most notably was the PARENT-STUDENT mass that preceded the end of the year awards. I was invited since I was nominated for an award and my parent's saw the invitation resulting in them deciding that I HAD to go and they had to go as well. This was just as well since if this hadn't happened I would have a truly weird breakdown.

Joe was there with his parents, I have no idea why since he wasn't up for anything, and a curious thing came over him right after communion during the part where we're supposed to pray. He started crying. Sobbing. Then he stood up. And ran to the front of the church. Where, with tears streaming down his face, with wild eyes, and in the most broken voice I've ever heard, proclaimed this at the top of his lungs, like he was begging for our forgiveness, to the assembled student body..

"I LOVE YOU ALLLLL

I'M SORRY MOM, I DIDN'T MEAN IT

I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS.

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU ALL

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN DOING THIS

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY. I AM. I LOVE YOU ALL."

At which points his parents dragged him out of the church.

He didn't come back to school the next day or ever again. He didn't start going to any of the other nearby school. In fact, I never saw him again, nor met anyone who knows what happened to him

And to this day, i hate myself for not saying "I love you too."

"There's a 4.35 balance on the account, ma'am," I'd say.
"That's terrible, I could have sworn I dropped it off before noon," she would say.
"Well... (unbuttoning my shirt) I can be persuaded to credit it..."
"I see... (taking off her blouse) that would be awful nice of you."

It nets in a blowjob 50% of the time. Old women are especially fond of this manuever. My guess is the uniform reminds them of the old world war 2 soldiers homecoming somehow. After I'm done eating their wrinkled vaginas out, and after I've spurt my load on their granny polka dotted dresses, I look down at their lifeless, pink and white-haired bodies and think about how sad life really is.

Hmm.. What's more telling is your supposition that the only possible way anyone could have arrive at words like "litany" and "sycophants" is by using a dictionary.

"OK," I said, and opened the refrigerator up. The only hot dogs we had were frozen solid. I tried to get one up "there" for a while, but it wasn't happening. The caller asked if we had a dog, because after I inserted the frankfurter, he then wanted me to get our pet to eat it from my crotch.

I could hear electrical noises in the background of wherever he was, like what a computer back then would sound like—it was like something out of Logan's Run. He said that he was taking a poll. I never found out who he was.

That's one of my earliest memories involving sex. Now, I don't ever talk about sex, because then the person I'm talking to would have to put me in their head doing it. And when somebody else talks about it, then I have to picture them doing it. Usually sex doesn't even enter my mind. Three years or so ago, something clicked, and sex just went away. It isn't that I'm grossed out by it. I just don't want anything to do with it. It would be OK if I never have sex again.

Plus, I really like living by myself. I was just watching these old anti-drug school movies from the 70s, things like The Ten Signs of Alcoholism. There's this lady drinking in one, and her husband busts in the kitchen screaming, "What are you doing?!?" And I was like, "See, that's why you don't want to live with anybody." So it taught me to not get married, as opposed to teaching me to not drink.

I'm into the traditional gender roles. I think my ideal man would be someone I meet in a hardware store. And when male friends tell me about their girlfriends, and these women don't even know how to pan-fry a steak or pack their boyfriend's lunch, I'm like, "That's ridiculous."

I guess I'm more into hearing about sex crimes than sex anyway. I recently read this old book called Sex Crimes. It's by Alice Vachess. Most of the people who pull off sex crimes are men, so maybe it's their dicks that drive them crazy. If I had a dick for a day, I wouldn't want to go out and rape a bunch of women or have sex with animals. I think I would just try tucking it between my legs to see what it would be like to have a vagina.

I was raped in the shower when i was four years old

1) A chick with an ENORMOUS goiter. She actually had to cut a date short to go get it drained (and she dumped him).
2) A chick who left him and married his cousin.
3) He hooked up with the fattest women in the office (we're talking about 300 lbs) when we were all put up in a hotel during last year's blizzard.
4) A chick with (I shit you not) NO FUCKING LEGS (and she dumped him).

Ok, so now that we know his previous track record, let me fill you in on his current find. She's 33 (he's 25). She lives in Pasadena, Tx (middle-of-fucking-nowhere redneckville). They met 2 months ago while he was visiting his grandparents. They met in a trashy bar and they hooked up that night; instead of going back to "her place," she made him get a hotel room (because she still lived with her baby's father).

So after their whirlwind romance, he came back to work and told us about this hot-ass girl he hooked up with in Pasadena. Of course, we didn't believe him. However, the next weekend, he went to visit her again AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIVE WITH HIM.

Two weeks into the relationship, they lived together in his one-bedroom apartment while she makes frequent trips back home to "pick up some stuff" (most of these trips last a few days each). He wants to get her a car so she can drive herself to work at the restaurant where she works (somehow bringing home $150/day from a truckstop restaurant with a total of a dozen or so tables).

When we finally meet her, she is HIDEOUS. I'm not just saying she has a big nose or bad skin or something, she is UGLY. She looks and sounds like a 50-year-old man: stringy hair, pasty complexion, strung-out-looking, bad teeth, sagging facial features, the works. This was his "J-Lo" (he actually described her as a white J-Lo).

After a few more weeks, her "niece" moved in with them, too. Now there's 2 adults and a child living in a crappy 1-bedroom apartment.

AND WE FOUND OUT THIS WEEK THAT SHE'S PREGNANT. The doctor narrowed it down to a week where she was in town with Dave for 2 days, and back at home (with the ex) for 5. Of course, now he's "manning up" and preparing to propose to her. AFTER 2 MONTHS TOGETHER.

Yeah, a few weeks back, before I could even voice concern he said "Yeah, people say that I should be careful and that we're moving too fast and stuff, but I think that we're fine. I mean, we're comfortable with it and that's what matters."

I didn't know what to say because I was about to tell him that he should be careful and that they were moving WAY too fast...

I'm so afriad he's either going to pay for a kid that's not his or just wake up one day missing his wallet, car keys, and/or a kidney.

He's so fucking happy, but this cannot end well. We've all seen this kind of thing before and it's going to end with him getting fucked over somehow. Do we say something to him and try to spare him? Tell him to at least get a blood test on the kid? Not get married? Or just let it happen and watch while it all goes to shit?

Now, discuss...

UPDATE:

Some of my coworkers are having a housewarming party tonight. A bunch of us are heading over at 11pm after work.

DAVE IS BRINGING THE CRACKHEAD WITH HIM!!!

I finally get to meet her in person.

...and I have my camera. PICS WILL FOLLOW.

But not the hot dog in the vagina.

xpost

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it's like a christmas reindeer and tree... and ketchup bottle... in space

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