How do you deal with being a failure?

Give yourself "permission to fail" and just get on with the business of mucking through?

(Mind you, that's the sort of thing that the therapist I just dumped yesterday used to say.)

However, I am learning to avoid situations that I *know* will wind me up and increase my sense of self loathing.

The only thing that helps me, is knowing that no matter how isolated I may feel, there are others like me. Even if they're far away or long ago.

(xpost)

I already have a pet, and I've already explained why I'd *never* have groupies!

(xpost)

There is, and it's me.

So at least you've got something.

hell of an opener.

anti-depressants never really worked for me. therapy was so so so much better.
though, the thing that really straightened me out was my girlfriend finally snapping and dumping me. short, sharp shock just seemed to kinda reboot me, my head levelled out and i quit wallowing, quit worrying about EVERYTHING (especially meeting people, leaving the house etc etc) quit drugs (probably a big help, all in all) and became a much better person for it. i can honestly say that hey, i like myself these days, whereas back then, nothing but hate hate hate. grasp the nettle! or something. i'm so crap at this.
i even flew to sweden on my own once to meet some internet roleplaying mentalists (NEEEEEERD!), so don't feel bad.

column 2: determined causes of problems

column 3: proposed solutions to problems

column 4: method of achieving said solutions (following consultation and reflection)

column 5: a song that represents this problem and/or solution (i dunno, why not?)

I think this "savoring of the pain" can be applied to feeling like a failure, being depressed, etc. as well. The thing is, you can move past this and realize how ridiculous it is to live that way. Of course, you have to truly want to change things.

And, as therapy or part of it, read: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. It helped me get back to some fundamentals of being that had been obscured by life circumstances (and I'm not a reader of self-help, by any stretch). Kind of like what g-kit said - you can snap out of it and things get better, sometimes suddenly, sometimes in this apparently "magical" way. If you're in a dark cave, you got in there somehow - there's a door very close by - so of course you can get out again.

I mean, the suggestions of counselling and/or medication may or may not be helpful to you. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for good counselling when I was in my late teens. And I wouldn't have made it through the past year without medication. But it's not for everyone.

1) If you *really* hate where you live, or feel isolated, then move. Sure, you will take your problems where ever you move to, as you cannot escape your friends. But living in a larger urban area really *does* help a lot of problems. I spent nearly 10 years of my late teens languishing in the armpit of Upstate NY because my father made some poor career choices. I moved, first to the nearest major urban centre, then back to the country of my birth. No, I did not become a happy person overnight, and I'm still having my problems. But compared with the problems that I had when I was langushing in the middle of nowhere, no, I am much happier. It might seem hard, but it's harder than the alternative.

2) Your "dead-end" career. Most of us don't get our draem jobs. We just end up doing something we're good and/or not entirely shit at. If your career is really unfulfilling, try finding something else in life to live for. I like music, so I play in a band. I like history and architecture, so I go on walks. These are the things that make my life worth living, not staring at a computer screen 10 hours a day.

I mean, maybe that refers back to problem 1 - I'm socially awkward, but I ended up meeting the friends that I do this stuff through the interweb. It's easier when you live in a larger urban area.

Everything is scary. Leaving the house is scary. Getting a new job is scary, moving is scary, meeting people is scary. But to me, the alternative - staying somewhere I hated and rotting - was far *more* scary.

As to the "bizarre sexual history" - that's not necessarily a problem. Lots of people are more bizarre - or at least bendable - than you'd think on that front. Nasty and vindictive? Well, yeah, that's me a lot of the time, too. I've got the added extra bonus of carrying around so much bitterness from failed relationships that I scare everyone off before it's even started.

I've got around this problem by trying to redefine my priorities. Finding a relationship is no longer my number one priority. I've accepted that at my age and with my expectations, it's not really likely to happen. So I've refocused my emotional life on having better and more rewarding *platonic* relationships with my friends. And for the most part that's been a lot more rewarding than any romantic or sexual relationship.

Anyway, I'm off to rehearsal now. That probably helped no one but myself, but I sure felt a bit better about my shit life for having written it.

I've forgotten how to ride a bike. I found this out the last time I tried to ride one.

I might be failing in everything I have tried up to now, but I am still scared of failing in anything I might try in the future. Because I can spot a pattern happening.

Note: this is a serious suggestion

Visit Groupie Central. Actually does that site still exist?

There is nothing in my life other than staring at the computer. If I avoided ILX (and IRC and the various other places I use), I'd have *no* kind of socialisation at all.

There's another option: get out and do something. Go to a pub, a club, do a hobby,... Staring at a computer screen will only make this state of mind worse.

Also, you're prettier than you think.

(there have been internet friends who have met up with me in person, and then just blanked me for years later because they thought me "too creepy")

Also, you're prettier than you think.

Yeah. Right. You don't know what I look like.

Patterns, especially once you've looked at them for long enough and figured them out, are for breaking. also xpost.

I know that you don't want to, that you don't feel you can even think about actually trying something new, like relearning to ride a bike, but it's the small activities like this that are Urgent & Key.

Take a queue from the Bush Administration. If you can't meet environmental standards, lower the standards. If you want education statistics to improve, lower the standards.

Lower the standards.

Having gone through some pretty distinctly jarringly different stages in my life, and staring down the barrel of another in about 9 months, I have found solace in good small things. These are things that you can enjoy for themselves, that don't require any approval/judgment from others, and that you can do without having to spend a lot of money on them (if you don't want to, at least).

Seriously - these thoughts you are having are totally normal and EVERYONE has them at some point or another. Some of us are just able to admit to ourselves these moments of uncertainty exist and that they suck. I would much rather be miserable once in a while (sometimes for a long while) than be a deluded person who has no connection to their own feelings and emotional rhythms.

If bars/pubs or clubs aren't doing it, they aren't doing it. Don't keep trying them.

For me, and I think for a lot of anxiety sufferers, the hardest thing about anything is often the first step. Past that, you're already moving and doing.

Please take care of yourself. Moments, days and months like this pass. Please take this as true.

The bulletin board (http://www.voy.com/16357/1/) is all that's left right now. But be warned, the number of posters there who are still hung up on various hair metal musicians is alarming if not depressing.

There was a time in my twenties when I felt worse than I thought it possible to feel. Shrieking, howling anxiety kept me from leaving my apartment, then from leaving my room, then from leaving my bed. A few times, I even got into the closet (yeah, I know, the joke writes itself; save it).

For me, just getting out of my room was a victory. The momentum from leaving the bed got me out of the room. The momentum from leaving the room got me out of the apartment. Etc.

Point two: I had been paralyzed by the notion that there was a right way out, a perfect thing to do. This is a mistake. Action--any action--is better than waiting for the planets to align perfectly.

Point three, slight caveat to #2: while the thread has excellent suggestions, I'm not sure anything will help unless you own it. That is, unless YOU end up deciding that it's the right path for YOU to do, any path you do will just be going through the motions. Therapy that you're not a full participant in is a waste of your time and the therapist's.

Well. Good luck. I empathize.

i don't know how you can help yourself...

1. exercise, good food (then you'll stay awake), and both of them are fun, after a bit of trying.
2. is there *anything* you find a bit interesting? architecture? literature? gardening? making dumb songs using free music software? photography? if any of these even raise a glancing eyebrow, do some homework: what goes on where you are with this stuff?
3. antidepressants helpo some, therapy for others, some combination of the two help a huge number of people. me included.
4. start looking for other jobs at your present job. don't be afraid to leave a crap job.
5. change your hair / clothes...even if just a little bit. (in other words, develope a new idea of yourself).
6. accept that (most) people are weird and hermit-like in one way or another (hey, why do you think we're all ilxors - everyone needs another little world), and know that no-one else out there is as together as they look. you just need to see the signs to know this.
7. if you have the money, buy yourself something nice. if you have a garden, plant something. or make yourself some home-brewed beer. in other words - find a way to get connected to stuff around you. and if all esle fails, move and start again. heaps and heaps of people have done it...it's fine.

and cheers to (most) everyone for answering this helpfully.

ha ha ha! I did this and am sitting in an office in Thailand now feeling pretty much the same as the chap who made the orignal post. But I am not ugly or vindictive.

You have to go out of your way to meet people. You can't simply wait for it to happen. You have to overcome the terror of the outside world and actually socialize. If you fail (and you certainly will) -- don't worry. It may work next time. Sooner or later, it will certainly work. Like everything else, the only way to get good at it is to practice.

this totally defeats the purpose of paying someone $125(+) an hour. you must go into therapy with the sole intention of getting better. no bullshitting yourself, no bullshitting your therapist. no point in wasting time / money otherwise. plus, they aren't going to have you lobotomized. really.

even still, doesn't make you much crazier than anybody. especially sexually. everybody's got some kink. even the dullest person. in fact, one could argue that their dullness is their kink.

i agree with all the sentiments of changing things up. break your routine. change your habits. your routes. maybe join a club related to something you actually do like. take a class. volunteer for some needs organization. helping charities will get you out with all sorts of people. you will be making a difference. most likely, you won't have to be in front of a computer either. if that's too organized or commitment-oriented. sneak around and put money in unlikely places where children or the poor will find them. like the pockets of kids clothes in a thrift store. or nustled under generic diapers. if charity annoys, then strike out in other ways... rock/art... or guerilla flyers ... or just ride a bike. climb a mountain. do you have a kitchen or break room? bring donuts or muffins or cookies. regularly. break the ice.

?
m.

I started a thread about that, but lots of people posted to say "no, I don't have any kinks! I'm just ordinary!"

I mean, part of what *makes* a kink is the idea that it's weird, private, not to be discussed, shameful, etc.

I don't believe anyone who claims that kinks are that common, sorry.

Going back to the original post, if you have trouble staying awake for more than a few hours at the time, it sounds like you have a medical problem. Please do see a doctor.

Today is a typical example: I got up around 8.30, felt reasonably OK until lunch, started to get tired, slept from half-one to half two and felt dog-tired after that. Last night I had about 9 hours' sleep, fairly continously (which is rare). I'm hardly tired enough for it to be a medical problem.

AVE A FOOKIN WANK YA TWERP

Does anyone else think it's worth asking for an IP ban for Garu G? His schtick was never funny to start with, and I don't think hiding behind an anonymous "joke" persona to insult people is really acceptable behaviour.

perhaps i'm thinking quirks or something. ??? cause seriously, everybody i've ever talked to about sex has something peculiar they like to do on occasion. and typically, their partners aren't even into the kink necessarily. even if kinks are uncommon, the number of willing partners to participate in a kink is much higher. "i'm not into licking shoes, but if she wants me to lick her shoes, i'm there!"

and then all the people who don't really have a kink necessarily, but have issues... etc etc... "can't do it doggie cause that reminds me of so and so." or... "i was abused so we can't kiss with tongues." or... "i'm religious and we can only do oral or anal unless we're married." etc etc etc

do you see where i was trying to come from?
m.

Ooh, unfortunate in the context...

I mean, how important *are* those definite kinks? More or less important than other elements of a relationship - compatability, companionship, etc.? Or is it more a sense of "oh my god, Person X would *never* be able to find me attractive if they knew about..."

I guess I ask because I have a friend who has a very specific kink which is so important to him that it's a deal-breaker in a relationship. He could meet the most amazing, lovely, girl in the world, with whom he had everything in common, but if she doesn't practise his kink, he won't continue the relationship.

On one hand, I think... "You know, if I was *really* into someone, I would indulge the kink, unless it was actually physically painful or harmful to me. Even if it's not something I'm necessarily into, well, if it'd make my partner happy, I'd do it for birthdays and special occasions, so long as they were willing to indulge my kink in reciprocation."

But then again, if a partner repeatedly pestered me to do something I know I don't like, I'd have have big problems with the relationship, and not just because we were sexually incompatible.

I dunno. Kinky Friend obviously finds it really important - he says he'll get his emotional satisfaction from his mates. And just wants a partner who will indulge his kink. I think that's kind of a messed up priority in a relationship.

I'm not sure if that's what you're talking about, or if a different but related problem. But just wanted to throw that in there.

I don't know.

This does seem odd to me. If you're not looking for emotional satisfaction from a partner, why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with them as opposed to just having a fuckbuddy or very casual, open kind of 'relationship'? Surely he does not actually define it as a relationship himself?

Damn, what a time for my colleague to come over and ask me a question about a report! Blimey!

i almost said "attitude problem" but it isn't at all - if you find someone who bows down to your demands then it's wahey slave-city, however the more demanding you are less likely you'll pull, obv.

Being Kinky is not necessarily indicative of emotional or mental problems. However, prioritising your kink over the happiness or wellbeing of your partner/relationship probably is.

Anyway, I'm going home now.

night!

This is the perfect reason for embarking upon a Quixotic quest to do what you always wanted. Once you're assured of failure it just wipes out the whole performance anxiety issue, freeing you up for all sorts of lovely hijinks.

In case you're not already properly tilted for this sort of endeavor, you are in luck. Miguel de Cervantes wrote a how-to manual you can read. Sometimes it comes with pictures!

My depression 10+ years ago was about equal to where you're at today (large sized). It seemed so goddamned hopeless - and I biked a lot then too, which didn't help me.

I had a girlfriend who I wasn't very into, then she left me before I could leave her, and I realized that she was the only thing I could get. I was single after that for a very very long time.

And I was wretched at social activity. I scared away anyone who came near me in a matter of seconds just by trying to be witty.

I stoppped trying the witty thing, which made me so boring and forgetable.

I kept finding myself with groups of people I had nothing in common with, and I was only part of someone's entourage. They had nothing to say to me...I just tagged along and got lost in their crowd.

But time passed, and believe it or not, you find the dynamic of your surroundings morph more than you ever could've imagined.

Now I go through occasional medium sized depression, but I have learned not to analyze it. That only builds it up more. Seriously.

I've been medium depressed for close to a week. I just keep biting my lip and waiting. It will pass because it always does. So does euphoria...

I have just realized that my undoing is having an unassertive personality mixed with a quest to dominate any social situation...making only win/lose situations.

If I learned how to be a little more formal in life, I suppose this could create a decent smoke screen for self analysis.

Damned ILX diary entries...

http://giganticmag.com/images/ilx/grief_vodka.jpg

Excercise = walking. Where ever you feel safe.

Make a list of things you enjoy or have enjoyed and do one of them every day. These do not have to be big things, could be having a hot bath, buying flowers on the way home from work, reading a book, eating toast, going on the internet. If there are things you enjoyed but can't do right now, like going swimming in a river or lying on a beach, visualise doing those things before you go to sleep.

Better yet, find a dr and a counsellor because antidepressant drugs might help you do these things. They don't change who you are, just how much you want to stay in bed hiding.