Dying.

keep holding out for that miracle.

My girlfriend's uncle is dying of a brain tumour and I lost a friend a couple of years ago to one (she was 22), so I have an idea how you feel at the moment. All my sympathies to you and your cousin - it's a horrible, horrible situation, but maybe it can help bring the family closer as you all go through it together. Not much comfort, but still.

if you need to talk, email me, okay kid? i'm sorry i can't be more eloquent right now...

I just got a call from my old roommate at 8:00 am in the morning and I knew right away that it wouldn't be good. Her best friend and someone I spent a lot of time with when we lived together a couple years ago was hit by a car last night in Brooklyn and died at 4:00 am. I've never actually known anyone my own age who has died and this just feels really fucking surreal and sad. Fuck. She was only 25 maybe 26. Jesus. <3 Jean. RIP.

Oh Erica, I really feel for you. I wish I could hug you right now.

i'm sorry ENBB.

I'm sorry to hear that news, ENBB.

That is horrible ENBB, my sympathies

Sincere sympathies. I relate to that surreal and sad feeling better than I want to get into, but I truly do relate. Virtual hugs.

Very sorry for you ENBB.

Erica, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

The surreal feeling totally makes sense to me too, like something so drastic doesn't happen in real life, not in my life.

Thanks guys. On my way into work I was thinking how weird it was that my first instict when someone I know dies was to tell the internet but it just doesn't seem real. In fact, it just seems ridiculous - I was emailing with her a couple days ago and she was doing really well and was so happy. I hadn't seen her in a long time and wish that weren't the case now. Most of all I'm sad for the people who were a lot closer to her than I was like my former roommate who just sounded like she was on autopilot and totally empty when she called me this morning. I can't imagine the pain they're experiencing right now.

No, one can't. My best friend from when I was in kindergarden died in a car accident. She was 17 yrs old. I was 15 at the time. We hadn't seen much of eachother. We ran into eachother but we weren't friends anymore. Still that shock was so huge. My mom attended the funeral but refused to take me knowing how devastating it would be to see youth coping with death. A few weeks later her brother killed a friend of a friend in his car. (Her brother had been in the car his sister died in.) After all these years I still remember the guy standing in the rain with my friend. It's just so unreal when someone dies so young, y'know.

ok, that was stupidly selfish of me to post. just wanted to say i know i little of what you are going through....

No, it's not selfish at all and I do appreciate it.

Hugs, sweetie.

sorry to hear this erica

Stuff she posted on facebook just yesterday keeps coming up in my "highlights". :-(

:( :( :( Damn, E. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend.

Up until about 30 minutes ago it seemed more weird than sad but her girlfriend posted an announcement on FB and now ppl are posting msgs to her family and my god it's heartbreaking. If I could I would like to tell her how she never failed to make me laugh and let her know that I'll always remember dancing with her at Toast carrying her tiny drunk ass home from B Ctr while she made lion noises and made J and I laugh until out stomachs hurt.

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c287/expatrica/jeanbean.jpg

All of a sudden it hit me that this actually happened.

god, i'm sorry e

hugs

I'm sorry Erica, that's really sad and painful.

so sorry to hear about this. my prayers and thoughts go with you and her family/friends.

I've known a lot of people who have died. It never gets easier to understand, especially the ones closest to you. It always seems surreal.

I'm sorry, E.

<3

That's awful, ENBB. No words, just good thoughts for you.

Oh no :( Terrible news - you have my sympathies.

Thanks guys. xo.

E, I have been thinking about you. I noticed the picture of her you posted on Facebook. I know it's silly to deduce anything from a picture, but, fuck it, I am going to anyway: she seemed so sweet and lively.

Nath you must have images off because it's posted here too but yeah, she was both of those things. I'm OK. Right now I'm most concerned about my old roommate and some other folks who were extremely close with her and must just be reeling. Got a message last night that they're going to plan a memorial service for her here in Boston since the funeral will most likely be in California and most ppl won't be able to make it out there. I've only ever been to one funeral and the idea of them sort of scares the crap out of me but I will definitely go to the memorial and I'm very glad they're going to have one here.

Ah yes. I noticed only after I posted on this thread, you also posted the pic here.

Again, hugs, E.

My sympathies as well.

oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! It's a terrible thing to lose a friend, but for it to be so random & sudden must be a completely surreal feeling. hugs!! vent to us internets all you want, it's good to get worries/fears/concerns/regret off your chest and we won't judge!

People are posting pictures of J on FB and I've never seen most of them before. This one is cracking me up. I love it so much. lol.

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c287/expatrica/CG.jpg

I'm so sorry to hear this, for you and your friend. A close friend of mine is dealing with a similar sudden loss and it's just so hard when there's no sense or reason to it, there's nothing to say to make it less bad.

Thanks Maria and everyone. Yeah, it still really doesn't seem real at all. I'm sure that will change when I go to the memorial but right now it just seems absurd.

Does anyone have any recommendations for preparing for an impending loss of a person close to you? Ever read anything helpful on the subject? My fiance's father is dying, and I've been putting off thinking about it at all, because the thought of dealing with it, and Andy having to deal with it, is terrifying to me.

hey roxy i don't know that this is that, exactly, & i hope somebody can come through with something more appropriate & useful to you guys, but for whatever it's worth i really loved & often think of a studs terkel collection, will the circle be unbroken, as a thing to read that circles around dying. he talked to a lot of people, on various sides of the equation, paramedics, priests, people who'd been close, & you're just reading people figuring it out. i don't know that that's a space you are trying to be in or not, but just in case.

i went through a similar sitch last year with my mother in law.

these are the things that helped me:
- spending time with my MiL. idk if this is feasible for u, or how close you are. but sometimes ppl who are facing death have an openness that, while scary at first, is actually helpful in preparing loved ones for loss. they often know that you are scared, and want to help allay that because they have reached the not-scared stage. again, yr sitch may be different but that was my experience.
- i regularly talked to a close friend & my mum about my fears as things started to get real, and being open about my fears with them on the regular really, really helped me to gain clarity & strength for the final couple of days.

whatever you do, resist the urge to retreat inwards. the stress of losing a loved one is huge, and you need support just as much as anyone. push past pride/fear and open up to ppl close to you - trust me it will make all the difference. same goes for andy. encourage him to do the same.

thanks schlump - we <3 studs terkel. i'm def going to be checking that out. it sounds like it might be super helpful to me right now.

veg - it's not really feasible for me to be near his dad right now :/ i'm doubly concerned about andy's worries in that area...we live in a different city than his dad, and he tries to go back as much as he can to help his stepmom care for him (none of his other siblings help - at all, and he needs constant care), but he can't be there every day and is really worried that he isn't there enough, can't be there when he needs him most, won't be there when he dies, etc. additionally, his dad gets really scared sometimes - i think his lack of...idk, peace? with dying, and his fear, is transferring to andy. like, obviously andy is scared and feeling helpless, but the fact that his dad hasnt really achieved peace with the fact that he's dying is making it harder.

andy's in therapy and i'm really glad he started therapy before this really hit, because he'll have someone prepared to take him through it, and won't have to start fresh with someone new.

i know we need to be talking about it more. my feelings, or my speakable words about them, just seem really undeveloped and its hard to do anything but just repeat ad nauseum that it's going to be ok and i'm here for him no matter what. i know there's nothing i can say to make his dad be healthy again, though, and that the best thing i can do is just listen. so i do that

ok well...look

make it yr mission to text, email, write or say how *you* are feeling to someone who will listen & support you. not necessarily andy, but someone you trust, who cares abt yr wellbeing.

no matter how secondary you feel in this, it's still hard for *you*, and carrying all those feels around will make it harder to be there for andy or anyone else. reading stuff will help, definitely, but getting it out of your head, however unformed, is u&k for coping

i dont mean to sound like sgt bossypants or anything, i just know what it feels like to be scared & in yr head while trying to support others

<3 thank you veg

np. i'll be thinking of u. hang in there <3